Chapter 30

Carlos took a deep breath. He reached out his hand and twisted the rusty doorknob of 2J. His hand shook a little out of fear and nervousness in general.

The apartment was silent and dark. Everyone had gone to sleep already. Carlos breathed out a sigh of relief. His shaking stopped. They weren't already asleep.

He had waited until midnight to come back. He didn't want to face James and Logan. Not after what he'd done to Logan.

You're pathetic, Carlos.

He felt the guilt eating him up. He really didn't mean it, he didn't. He didn't mean to make Logan cry and insult his smarts and say that Kendall would hate him. Because none of that was true.

It wasn't true. And Carlos knew it. It wasn't Logan's fault, it was his.

He just didn't want people to blame him for Kendall's accident.

Even though it's all your fault.

Carlos tried to block out the mocking voice in his head, but his low self-esteem didn't allow him to. The stupid voice in his head just wouldn't stop. But it was right.

It was so right.

Maybe he should just go and apologize to Logan and James. Logan for hurting him and James for disappointing him.

If he just said sorry, then everything would be alright again, wouldn't it?

Carlos almost laughed. He would have if he weren't so sad.

No. He couldn't do that. He couldn't apologize. People would just go back to accusing him, and he couldn't let that happen.

You're so selfish, did you know that?

It wasn't that he didn't want to take the guilt. This was his fault and he would step up to it if he could. He would have James and Logan punch him a million times. But… but he couldn't.

The problem was... people were going to sue his family for this. Big time. Kendall's family especially. Causing someone to have MR did that to you.

Loser. Betraying your friends just to save your ugly butt.

And his family didn't have that kind of money to pay it off.

Carlos had never been rich. He'd always been somewhat… poor. For a while in middle school, his mother didn't have a job and they had to almost starve themselves to save money.

So he didn't have the money, since all the money he earned with Gustavo he sent home to help his family. And his family didn't have money to pay off any sort of fine if they ever had any.

He didn't want to let his family down. Them and his friends (well, maybe not his friends anymore) meant the world to him.

You're a wimp. A pathetic little baby.

"I know! I-I know..." Carlos cried out softly, his voice cracking. He hated that stupid voice, but it was right. It was always right.

He wasn't even surprised when he found half of the room he shared with James empty when he went to in go to sleep for the night.

But that didn't mean it didn't hurt like a knife piercing his heart.

Of course. James and Logan hated him now. They wanted nothing to do with him.

Carlos wanted so badly to go and apologize. He'd always had James next to him at night. He was his best friend out of all his best friends. Well, at least he was before.

James had always protected him when he had nightmares or when he was afraid of the nonexistent monsters in his room. He'd always been there for him.

He didn't want to sleep by himself. He didn't. It was so lonely… especially without James there.

Oh. My. God. You are SO pathetic it's actually funny!

Carlos took a deep breath and told himself to suck it up. Here he was, 16, almost 17 years old, and he was afraid of sleeping alone.

He squeezed his eyes shut and forced himself to stop thinking about anything. There were no monsters. No ghosts. No serial killers under his bed.

Or at least he tried to convince himself of that.

Line line line

When Logan opened his eyes the next morning, he was surprised at the time.

It was already noon.

He'd cried himself to sleep last night with James's arms around him. He'd never felt so hurt… so betrayed… not since Kendall's accident. Not since then.

He'd never slept that long since Kendall's accident. He was woken every night by nightmares, Kendall's crying, or his horrible thoughts of reality.

But last night… there was nothing to wake him up. He didn't know why; maybe it was because he had been so heartbroken.

But he had to admit it felt good to get the extra hours of sleep.

"Logan? You awake?" James groaned and stretched in the bed next to his. Logan was also glad he didn't have to sleep by himself anymore. He was so glad for James's company.

It was a huge comfort with someone next to him, especially at night when he fell asleep. When he woke up, he didn't have to lie by himself anymore. He didn't know how he had survived before with no one in his room to comfort him.

"Yeah. It's already noon."

James rubbed his eyes. "Really? We've been sleeping for, like, 15 hours."

Logan stood up. "I feel a lot better now, though." He pointed out. And it was true.

James nodded. "Yeah, but you sure you're still okay?" He asked worriedly. It didn't look like Logan was okay.

Logan nodded silently. "Yeah... I'm fine."

James wasn't convinced. "You know none of this is your fault, right?" James asked quietly. He knew Logan was feeling guilty.

Logan looked away. "Y-yeah... B-but sometimes it just feels like... you guys don't want me around. I-I'm always so cautious and geeky and-"

James stopped him. "Logie, we want you around. You're nerdy, sure, but we love you for it. It saved Kendall, Logan, your nerdiness. And even if stupid Carlos says Kendall would be pissed at you, he'd never be prouder."

Logan felt tears in his eyes. Again. He was so emotional these days. "Th-thanks, James. You always know what to say." He said gratefully.

James laughed. "Not really. Just sometimes."

Logan shook his head. "No, you always do, James." James smiled back.

But he suddenly remembered the boy he used to sleep with every night. Was Carlos okay? Did he have a nightmare? Oh no, what if he did and he woke up and James wasn't there and he was just crying all by himself and-

James stopped. Carlos had hurt Logan; why was James still worried about him?

He was his little brother, that was why.

James didn't know what to think. He wanted to forgive Carlos... didn't he?

No. He didn't. Carlos had gone too far this time. He had hurt his best friend.

He hadn't even apologized yet, and it had already been a day. A whole day. Carlos didn't even come back last night to see if Logan was okay.

Maybe Carlos had changed for the worse. James's heart almost stopped at the thought.

As much as James didn't want to believe that his little brother had changed, maybe he just had to accept it.

Carlos was growing up, and he didn't need them anymore. It had to happen some time, right? Carlos couldn't be childish and innocent forever, right?

It hurt James like a gunshot, but James tried to focus on the people who still cared about him. Logan and Kendall.

"Hey, you wanna take Kendall and go to the pool or something today?" James suggested. They needed to get out for a while.
Logan grinned. "Yeah, your tanning session is way overdue. And Kendall could use the sunshine." He pointed out.

"Let's go." James started to change into his trunks, but Logan stopped in his tracks. A thought entered his mind.
"Hey, where's Carlos?"

James looked around. His youngest friend was nowhere to be found. He knew Carlos had gone home last night; he'd heard him.

But when James checked his room, he was nowhere in sight. He'd already left, and strangely, his bed was made.

Then, a horrible thought hit him. Even worse than the one before about Carlos growing up.

What if Carlos was sick of them? What if he had ditched them?

The thought angered James even more. Carlos was being such a big loser. First insulting and hurting Logan, now ignoring them?

Who did he think he was? Did he not care about the best friends he'd had since he was little, especially one with a mental disease? Was he really that selfish?

Yes. He was. James remembered that fire in Carlos's eyes, that hatred that he seemed to have for someone, something. Logan. Or maybe James himself.

He remembered the horrible, heart-breaking words Carlos had spat at Logan.

Carlos hated them now. James was sure of it.

Well, two could play at that game. "Who cares? Let's just go. Go get Kendall." James said dismissively, walking out the door.

A/N- Hello, a fast update! My first one in a long time! Hope you guys liked this chapter! Kendall will be in the next one, I'm almost sure. Yay!

Love you guys, and please review? Can't wait for the BTR episode tonight! Everyone, tune in if you can!

Peace, Love, and Giraffes,

Anonymous Skrtle