Chapter 34

Kendall knew something was happening to him, but he didn't understand what. Every time he opened his mouth to say something out loud, he sounded… different. Like a little kid different.

Kendall tried to understand what people were saying to him, but he didn't get it. His thoughts were still the same… it was just the words in the outside world didn't make any sense to him.

Sometimes, he just wanted to let them know that he was still there. Kendall Knight, the protective leader who loved hockey and Jo Taylor. But he didn't know how to express that.

Whenever he tried, he saw a bunch of strange colors and stuff flashing through his mind and he didn't know what was going on outside of his head anymore.

But when he knew what was going on, he hated what he saw.

James hadn't brushed his hair in days. His face was starting to age like an old person from the stress he had of taking care of them all and holding them together. He was breaking fast. The James Kendall knew before the accident was nowhere to be found. He was lost, possibly forever.

Kendall was supposed to be the one taking care of them all. Not James. But he was no longer able to, even though in his head, he screamed at himself to do something, anything, to comfort them.

But he couldn't. All he could do was talk like an idiot and not understand what he was being told. His mind was clear, just not the things outside of his mind.

And Logan always sounded like he was going to cry or something when he spoke up. He hyperventilated and panicked, but he was still responsible. He still cared for Kendall with caring arms, even though Kendall could see it was breaking him inside.

And Carlos had started growing huge black bags under his eyes from the lack of sleep. Kendall had been woken up before by him crying in the middle of the night from a nightmare… or a dream about his reality. During the day, when he felt safe, he would lean his head on James's protective shoulders and fall asleep right away.

They were all deteriorating… and it was all Kendall's fault.

Kendall remembered the accident… he had been so stupid, going back on the ice without his helmet. Logan had warned him before the game…

Why hadn't he listened?

Kendall had always been stubborn, especially to people of authority and to people who tried to tell him what to do. He should've just listened to Logan… he was smart and obviously knew what he was saying.

He should have listened. Not only did he disobey Logan and probably hurt him in the process, he also hurt himself. He had destroyed himself and now he was destroying his friends, too.

James came in and said something along the lines of "Hey, Kendall, what do you wanna eat?"

Kendall wanted to respond and say something a normal teenager/adult would say, like, "I think we've still got leftover pizza from yesterday", but all he could manage was, "Ooh! I wanna eat pizza!"

Kendall didn't understand. He had his words planned out perfectly in his head. It was just… when they came out, they were different. And he had no way of controlling them.

It was like he was a coma, but his life was the coma. He understood everything, but people didn't know that he understood.

It hurt him so much, to see his friends and family grieving over him every day, when inside, he wasn't even lost.

Kendall hated himself to doing this to his friends and his family. He had caused all of this. All of it.

He knew he had mental retardation… it was just that everyone else didn't know that he knew he had it.

Kendall was sick of it… he didn't know why he couldn't get better. He wanted to scream, shout, but when he tried doing it, he just started mumbling strange things that no one understood.

He couldn't express himself and he didn't understand why.

James made him the pizza, and Kendall walked over to the table. He didn't understand why he walked like a drunk person now, either. Mental retardation was supposed to only affect the brain, right? Why was he having physical problems too?

Maybe something in his brain was making his legs walk strange. Kendall didn't know… Logan knew all of that. But Kendall couldn't ask Logan… if he tried, he'd probably end up asking him to play Candyland with him or something.

He didn't even like Candyland.

But little kids did, and he seemed to be possessed by some sort of childlike demon. He couldn't control anything he did, and when he could, it was to a small degree.

James chuckled at him in amusement, but Kendall could tell it was somewhat forced. Everything was forced when it came to him. Every smile, every laugh, every pat on the back.

They weren't really happy… but they pretended for Kendall's sake.

Kendall knew he wasn't ever going to get better… but there was always that hope that one day, he would wake up and start acting like himself again. And maybe he could control his mind then, too.

But in the back of his messed up mind, he knew it was never going to happen. He would be stuck like this forever, and his friends would slowly break until they were nothing but depressed little pieces of glass.

Kendall giggled at the thought of his friends, or anyone for that matter, broken into pieces. He didn't think it was funny at all… but he still laughed.

"What are you laughing at, buddy?" James asked curiously.

Kendall didn't know what to say. "Nothing!" He blurted out, smiling.

James smiled back. "Well, let's bake the pizza, alrighty?" Kendall cheered, even though he didn't even like pizza that much.

He hated this. He hated his life now.

He was hurting his friends. He hated hurting his friends. But worst of all, he couldn't help it. He couldn't control himself from hurting his friends and his family. He just couldn't.

And that made Kendall feel so useless, so completely worthless.

His friends didn't deserve to have to wake up every morning and face… this.

His friends didn't deserve to deal with him every day of their lives. They were only 17 and 18 year olds… they still had a whole life ahead of them.

Well, now Big Time Rush was out of their futures. And again, because of him. He had destroyed James's dreams, and now they had nothing else in stock for them.

It was all his fault.

He would give up anything, anything, even his own life, to get things back the way they were.

He'd do absolutely anything.

But the problems was; he couldn't. He didn't always get what he wanted, and this was the same thing. He couldn't just wish for it and watch it appear in front of his eyes.

But he just couldn't sit there every single day, watching how broken he'd made his friends. They didn't deserve this.

They didn't need him in his life. They would be much happier without him as a burden there to drag them down. Kendall didn't want to realize the truth sitting right there in front of him, but he had to.

He had to get out of their lives. They would be heartbroken, but soon, they would heal, and their lives would be back to normal.

No more worrying about him. No more being frustrated and depressed like they were now.

It was perfect.

All Kendall wanted was to make his friends happy, make sure they had a good and successful life, and him being there wasn't going to make that happen.

He needed to get out of their lives.

If only he knew how.

line line line

"Hey, Kendall?" James shook the shorter boy a little, confused. He'd been calling Kendall's name for the past 2 minutes, but got no response. Kendall seemed to be off in his own little world.

Kendall blinked, snapping his head up. "When are we gonna get da pizza?" He asked excitedly. James laughed, breathing out a little in relief. He'd thought something had been seriously wrong for a second.

Well, that was kind of stupid. Something was seriously wrong. But James just thought… something was more wrong.

Funny how this was his life now.

"Yeah, pal, I've already got it in the oven now. You wanna go somewhere fun later today?" James asked, trying to look enthusiastic. It was hard, though.

Kendall bounced up and down where he was sitting at the kitchen table. "Yeah! Let's go to da… that place with the animals!" He squealed.

"The zoo?" James asked, raising his eyebrows. Kendall laughed. James didn't get what was funny.

"Yep! The zoo!" Kendall repeated happily.

James smiled down at him in amusement. Kendall was so… he was different, but sometimes, it was in a good way. He acted more carefree, not like the tense and protective and stubborn boy he used to be.

James didn't know if he liked it or not. Kendall had always been good as a leader. He was charismatic, tough, stubborn, good at negotiating…

But now James had to take over that part, and heck, it was hard. He didn't know how Kendall had dealt with it, always having to watch out for him and Logan and Carlos and care for his mother and sister.

James wasn't even sure he was doing a good job, and he was already worn out from just being leader for a few weeks, maybe months.

He wanted Kendall back sometimes. No, always.

"Alright, you go get Logan and Carlos, and I'll get the pizza ready, alright?" James directed Kendall gently. Kendall jumped up and sprinted into the two shorter boys' rooms.

James smiled to himself.

Maybe Kendall was different now… Maybe he had to step up now and realize that Kendall wasn't going to come back. The old Kendall.

Maybe he was going to make the best of what he had.

A/N- Alrighty… sorry about the slow update, I kinda had writer's block for this story, but the end is almost here… I've got it all planned out, had it planned ever since this story started. A few more chapters, probably…

Some people were asking to see in Kendall's head… I didn't know if I would do it, but here it is! Kendall living in a coma. Sad, huh? He has everything clear in his head, but… you know. It's complicated.

And P.S… I don't really know if that stuff with Kendall is medically possible, but I think it is. But I'm not a doctor, and not an aspiring one… so… yeah. Don't get all critical about my horrible medical facts. wink.

Tell me what you thought of this!

Peace, Love, and Giraffes,

Anonymous Skrtle