V. It's In the Past
"To be trusted is a greater compliment than to be loved." — George MacDonald
A word like 'trust' could be so harmless. But used in the right context, it had the power to strike fear in the mightiest and bravest that walked the earth. And if there was anyone on this rotating planet to know the importance of trust, it was Jill.
She foolishly trusted Albert Wesker when he told her to search the mansion in the outskirts of Raccoon City in 1998, she knew better than to trust Nicholai Zinoviev two months later when Raccoon City was falling, and ultimately, she knew how to trust herself. Well, she did. Now she couldn't even rely on her own instincts or her reflexes. This is why she had to ask Sheva if she could trust her. If her instincts couldn't give her a definite answer to put her faith into Sheva, then asking her would help some.
Contemplating her answer, Sheva stared at her hands. Can Jill trust her? It was such an easy question to answer, so Sheva thought. But just hearing the desperation in her voice, Sheva knew that this was something that mattered greatly to the blonde. Could she be trusted? She would hope so.
"You can trust me, Jill," she finally answered after a few seconds of decisive silence. "What is it?"
Sighing in relief and taking a seat on the edge of the bed, Jill gazed at the floor. "It's really silly actually. I had lunch with an old friend of mine and I haven't told anyone about it."
Sheva sat down next to her. "Why haven't you?"
"Well, the person it was with might cause some trouble."
There were so many questions Sheva had, so she started with the first, "Who was it with?"
"Carlos Oliveira." Jill was nervous to go on. Not because she was afraid Sheva would judge her, but that she would have to admit that this lunch date actually meant something. "He's an ex of mine."
Understanding what she was worried about, Sheva played it off so not to scare Jill any more than she already was. "It was just a lunch, though, right? What's the harm in that?"
Jill offered a weak smile, but told her the true reason of her distress. "If Chris knew who it was that I was with, he'd be so angry…"
There was his name again. Taking even, deep breaths inwardly, she asked the obvious. "But you and this ex are broken up, so what does Chris have to worry about?" Sheva couldn't believe it, but it almost hurt to say his name.
Jill thought for a minute. She was shaking slightly from the fear to admit it all, and she knew she was getting cold feet. "You're right. He has nothing to worry about. It's nothing."
As Jill was about to stand up, Sheva placed a hand on her shoulder and asked her to look at her. "Jill, you can trust me. I won't tell a soul if you ask me not to. If you're too nervous to say anything, that's fine. But I can see that you're bottling this up and you need to talk to someone. I'm here for you."
Staring into her brown hazel eyes, Jill studied the woman next to her. Her dark hair was shiny and thick in her ponytail, her eyes were bright and clear, her body was lean and petite, her mocha skin was luminescent and smooth. Despite being a straight woman, Jill knew that men probably drooled over a woman like Sheva. It wasn't fair, Jill thought. She was so pretty, nice, and young.
"Carlos is someone who messed with my heart so much," Jill finally said. "It's a long story."
Sheva nodded and grabbed for a pillow, lying down on her stomach while looking at her to go on.
"I guess I'll start from the beginning. Well, in 1997 I was accepted into this team for the Raccoon City's Police Department called S.T.A.R.S. I was so nervous. I was young and eager to prove myself, but I still had a lot to learn. There were a few new people, but there was one particular member that I clicked with immediately. That member was Chris. We were both guppies and still learning the ropes. We started dating almost instantly."
Jill pulled her legs up and crossed them, turning to face Sheva. "It was great, everything was like a dream come true. I was starting my life and I had someone with me along the way. I had never felt so safe with someone to that point in my life. Then the Mansion Incident happened and I was positive things would change between Chris and I. Not because we would've fallen out of love or that we didn't want to be with each other, but because of what we saw. I thought maybe we'd both be so scarred that we just couldn't love one another anymore. But I was wrong. If anything, our love and bond grew stronger and we made a promise to stay together, no matter what."
Sheva felt something pull at her heart, but it wasn't compassion or happiness. Jealousy?
"Then, he left to hunt down Umbrella and stop them. He said he'd be back and that he was doing this for me and his sister to protect us. Two months had gone by and I hadn't heard anything from him or about him. An outbreak happened in Raccoon City and as I was trying to escape, I met Carlos.
"He was so cocky," Jill reminisced with a smile tugging at her lips. "When I was trying to tell him something, you know what he said to me?"
Sheva shook her head, intrigued with the story.
Jill couldn't stop the nostalgic smile growing on her face. "He said, 'I know. You want to ask me out. All the foxy ladies love my accent. It drives them crazy,'" she said with an imitated South American accent. "I couldn't believe my ears! Here we were, standing in a burning city, and he has the audacity to say I'm asking him out!"
Sheva couldn't stop the laugh at the idea of that encounter. "He sounds very sure of himself," she thought aloud.
"Oh, he is. Anyway, while in Raccoon, I was being chased by this…thing. I don't know what it was, but it was big and it wanted me dead. I had gotten infected at one point and I passed out. When I woke up, the first thing I saw was him. Carlos. He had risked his life to find the cure to whatever was in me and saved me. Even though I was awake, alive, and cured, I could see the worry in his eyes and the relief that I was okay."
Sheva watched as Jill's eyes looked up at the ceiling, gazing into another time.
"Somehow, the accented airhead and I managed to escape Raccoon," Jill continued with sarcasm. "It was a miracle really. We were safe and away from things trying to take a chomp out of us. After going through exams and being told we were just fine, we decided to go out to dinner for celebration. It was such a fun night. I hadn't had so much fun in a long time and I didn't even have to get drunk."
Laughing, Sheva rested her chin in her hand and waited for her to go on. Jill's happy and nostalgic expression changed to one of grief.
"We slept together that night. And I was so guilty for all the worst reasons. I should have been guilty because I was unfaithful to the one man I thought I'd end up with. But what I was really guilty for was that I wanted more of Carlos. I was guilty because I wished that Chris and I hadn't been together so I could be with Carlos. I felt safe in his arms, but there was more. He made me feel like I was just as strong and brave as he was and that I could handle anything. Chris was always good about equality, but he always tried to protect me. But Carlos told me that I could handle anything because I could. He gave me a confidence I had never felt before. He made me feel like the strong woman I always wanted to be."
Sheva could have sworn she saw her eyes tear up, but Jill swallowed quickly; hiding any form of crying.
"It sounds like you fell in love with him," Sheva guessed with a soft voice, not wanting to accuse her of anything.
"I did," Jill replied tiredly. "I had never fallen for someone so hard and so fast. For three months, we stayed next to each other. Whether it was in bed, running errands, or dealing with the government; we were together. But after three months, something happened that I had been dreading and at the same time hoping would happen; Chris came back.
"I had never felt guiltier than at that point when he came to see me. He kept apologizing that he had left me and what I had gone through in Raccoon City. He kept saying that all he wanted to do was protect me and he couldn't pull through. I realized then, that no matter how fair Chris was, I would always feel like someone he had to protect. Like I was limited next to him. I don't know what was going through my head, but I told him everything. I told him that I can protect myself and that I had someone with me the whole time. I told him all about the affair with Carlos. But the most surprising, the easiest thing I told him was that I was staying with Carlos. That we were over and it was for the better."
A familiar feeling filled Sheva. Her being filled with sadness for not only Jill because of the predicament she had been in, but for Chris as well. She had been hurt in the same way. Maybe not in a romantic relationship, but to be told that things were going to be different and to be separated from someone was too familiar for Sheva.
"He turned into a stone," Jill said with furrowed brows. "He didn't say anything. He just left and never talked to me again. While I lost a relationship, I devoted myself into another. It was so great. Carlos and I just got along perfectly and it felt like we were meant to be together. But not all great things can go on forever.
"There was an outbreak in his hometown in South America. It was cleared quickly, but his mother and sister had been victims in the outbreak. He was never the same after that. He would just say that he missed them and that was it. But he changed. He became empty and distant. He became someone I didn't know. I tried so hard to fix what was left of our crumbling relationship, but he was just too broken that I couldn't pick up the pieces. We broke up after 6 years of being together."
"Jill, I'm so sorry," Sheva spoke, placing a hand on her knee in a form of comfort.
Jill offered a blank smile. "It happens, right? Not much you can do when the person you want to be with has given up."
It was quiet for a long time as Jill remembered the days while Sheva marinated over her relationship past.
Recollecting her thoughts, Jill continued with the story. "I told myself that it'd be better if I stayed single for a while. And I was for a year. It was good for me, but I missed having someone near me. After being with someone constantly for 6 years, it's hard to welcome the idea of being alone.
"At that time, Barry had called me and told me about this company he was starting with a few others. He wanted me to be involved with the development and since Barry has been in my life for so long, I wanted to help out. I was so excited, and then I realized who was also involved with the plan. Chris didn't want to talk to me at all. I knew I had hurt him, but I still wanted to be friends, especially now that we were starting a company together. And once he opened up to the idea of friendship, we actually got along."
Sheva couldn't believe the similarities in Jill's story with her own. Not her whole past, but the wanting to be friends with Chris after something that had ruined their friendship. She just hoped that it would go as smoothly as Jill's did.
"When the BSAA was launched and opened, we had a big celebration, all of us. But," she started in an exhausted tone, "I got a little tipsy and so did Chris. I'm sure you can guess what happened. We had a fling that night…and the next night and the next. I don't know if there was any type of love in it all, but I do know that we needed the company and it just so happened to happen through the convenience of sex. We just kept sleeping with each other because we were lonely and had no one else at that point. We decided to try dating out again and for a while it worked."
"For a while?" Sheva inquired with an arched brow.
Jill nodded slowly. "Things were going alright, but things just started going downhill after a while. Just some problems," she said, obviously skimming over stuff. "We broke up, again. It wasn't on bad terms, thankfully. It was more of an agreement. We got along pretty well afterwards. The BSAA still let us go on missions together and it was going well. Until the mission in 2006 at the Spencer Estate.
"You know what happened pretty much. We found Spencer dead, Wesker standing over him and so on. I don't know much of what happened after I was presumed dead. I heard Chris had a hard time during those two years. Probably because he thought he failed protecting me or something," she claimed with a roll of her eyes.
"After you guys found me, he wouldn't leave my side. He was so guilty that I sacrificed myself for him when I pushed Wesker out the window and that I was Wesker's prisoner for all that time. He stayed by my side and protected me like he always does. But he wasn't showing any romantic interest in me or anything."
That's odd, Sheva thought. They were together now and it seemed they were together anyways while in Africa. "So you made the first move?" she asked, doing her best to come across with innocent curiosity. But really, she swore Jill and Chris were a couple by that point and that's why she was so guilty that she slept with him.
"No," Jill responded with a shake of her head. "It wasn't until we were on the plane back to America when he said he wanted to try us out again. I was so surprised because our whole time in Africa, he treated me like a friend or even like his sister. Then on like the second to last day there, he was gone for a while. I had no idea where he was."
Sheva held back the need to gulp hard. The day Jill was talking about was the time he spent with Sheva.
"But on our last day there," she continued, "Something was different. He looked tired and distressed. Then he wants to fix what we had and try to work it out. I didn't know what to say, but he was the only thing that was familiar to me and safe, so I agreed. I don't know. Maybe I really did want to try to work it out, but I was so scared that I needed someone to lean on. And he was there for me. He's always been there for me."
A look of distraught crossed Jill's face as she rubbed her forehead roughly. "But I don't know if I was ready. All I do is push him away. I don't open up to him, I don't ask him how he is, and I don't let him touch me… And I feel so guilty for what I put him through. I know he's tired and I don't blame him, but I don't want him to think I'm using him. I'm just so scared to be alone."
That's where Sheva and Jill were different. Jill needed someone around her to make her feel safe and secure, whereas Sheva needed the feeling of independence. She hated relying on someone for comfort because she had a hard time welcoming people into her life and allowing them to give her love and affection. This was a big reason why she was still single and refused to let someone love her. It was too much for her to accept commitment and the responsibility of sharing feelings with someone. She knew she was better off alone and in the end, stronger. She welcomed friends, but when it came to boyfriends, it was affection she wasn't capable of showing or to give.
Josh would tell her this was because she was abandoned at a young age, so she learned to rely on herself and herself only. She would always be there to help someone, but she had a hard time letting someone return the favor. He said this was because she was afraid they'd leave her like her parents did, how her uncle neglected her after learning he wasn't going to get her inheritance, how when she was in the guerilla groups, if she got attached to someone, they'd die some way or another because that's what happened to people in groups like that. She was afraid if she showed too much love or admiration for someone, they'd leave her and her attempts to be affectionate would prove worthless and she'd be left all alone again.
So, when she found herself opening up to someone or getting used to their company, she pushed them away. She didn't want to be attached to someone for it all to go to waste. The only reason she was close to Josh was because he pushed her to open up and made her feel it was alright to have a relationship with someone. They were never romantic, because truly they just saw each other as brother and sister, nothing more and nothing less.
With Claire, the feisty redhead demanded response and friendship. If Sheva didn't call or respond, Claire would be on her ass and lecture her why it was good to keep in contact. Also, they just clicked as friends. It wasn't the kind of friendship that you had to put much thought into what you were going to say or how you were going to act, rather it was just easy and organic. They just got along and grew to be good friends.
Now here with Jill, she could see that Jill needed someone to lean on and Sheva knew she was good at that. She was confident in her listening skills and her ability to make someone feel calm and safe. As long as Jill didn't push her to open up or something like that. Then again, that's why Sheva came to America, ultimately. She wanted to change that part about herself and welcome the idea of a mutual friendship that she could rely on and trust, like she had with Claire and Josh.
She studied Jill, watching how she bit at her nails in a nervous habit. "Have you thought about talking to Chris about this?"
Jill's head snapped up, revealing wide, scared eyes. "No. Definitely not. If Chris knew that I went out with the man I left him for, he'd have a field day. He'd think I was unfaithful and untrustworthy."
"But was this lunch really something so deceitful? You two had something in the past, but you just met up as friends, right? If it was an innocent meet up with an old friend, then he has no right to call you unfaithful. The trustworthy part is another thing. If you keep holding it back from him then that trust will decrease."
Nodding slowly, Jill sighed heavily. "Thank you for listening Sheva. I would talk to Claire about this stuff, but she's Chris's sister and…well, it's just been really hard for me to open up lately."
"I'm happy I could help," Sheva assured her, giving her a warm hug. "You can come to me anytime you want, alright?"
A knot of happiness filled in Jill's chest. She was able to open up to someone and make a new friend; it was a good day. She was about to open the door when she turned back to the brunette. "You really think I have nothing to be guilty about?"
"It was just a lunch between friends, right?"
Jill nodded in response.
"Then not really. If you still have feelings for Carlos, then that's something you have to deal with him. Talk to him about it and maybe even talk to Chris about it, yeah? And don't feel guilty about going out or anything. You should do more independent things."
Stealing one more hug from Sheva, planting a soft kiss on Fat Marvin's head, Jill felt relieved as she left the guest bedroom. She still had that nagging feeling that there were still things she needed to deal with, and no matter how much Sheva reassured her, she would always feel guilty to some degree. She obviously had feelings for Carlos still, she would always love him. But Chris had been there for her for so long that she couldn't just ignore his feelings. She needed to take baby steps with all of this.
She felt a weight weigh on her shoulders as she said goodbye to everyone and made way to her car outside, heading home to Chris.
Upstairs, Sheva hugged Fat Marvin to hear chest, talking to her cat.
"I guess I should take my own advice, huh Marvin?" she inquired from the feline.
Marvin cocked his head to the side as if asking her what she meant by that.
"Well, I told her about having stuff in the past with Carlos and that she should try to be friends with him. Sounds like something I should consider. What do you say, Marv?"
A soft and delicate meow escaped the cat in her arms, swiping a lick on her arm. She took that as a yes to consider her own advice. All she needed to do was trust herself that she could be strong enough to deal being around Chris. If they could be friends—great. But if things went sour, she'd have to be strong enough to deal with the unpleasant atmosphere when near him. She just hoped that the former would win.
Author's note: If you made it through all that dialogue, you deserve a golden chocolate coin (the ultimate prize). I hope it was juicy enough in information that it answers questions, but also brings up new ones.
For those you tried to guess who Elza Walker is, thanks, I loved reading your guesses. Elza was designed for RE2 but when development started going downhill, Capcom brought in some new people and Elza's character was scrapped. Super sad face. But it's not all bad, because she was remodeled into a new character, Claire Redfield. Not much is known about Elza, but you can download RE1.5 from a few sites for free and play as her. I'm embracing my geeky-ness.
Sheva Redfield: I imagine dry cat food is nasty. Trust is so hard sometimes; it can make or break a relationship. I'll give Robin the biggest snuggle! Talk to you soon, XOXO. :)
HollerHawk65: Trusting easily can't be all that bad, right? I can appreciate those who can trust easily. :) Oh, I didn't even think about Leon's name and the irony that he is allergic to cats! Haha. Irony is always a good friend to have around. :D
JustSomeGirl17: Marvin is inspired by my fatso kitty, Robin, and let me tell you, I never knew a feline could give such human glares! D: The sarcasm just had to be thrown in there! Aw, I'm glad Jill is easier to like in here. :D Confusing is a close friend of mine, so it can't be bad! Arrivederci, you cute seven layer dip, you!
Lollipop Lolli: Oooh, feelings, they're so hard to be comfortable with. Don't worry, you are not alone! I hide my emotions a lot, too. It's just who we are! :) Me too. Jill is kinda out of the loop on stuff and she's all sad. She has our sympathy, though. :) Puzzles are the best. I think my favorite was Leon's because it reminded me of RE2. Chris's, I think, has the best ending, but it's so sad and depressing… D:
toby7400: Thanks for the warning about OC's. They are a handful to write sometimes. The only OC's I have in here are ones to make the story less bumpy and easier to follow. Hmm, how will Sheva get out of this? When Chris and Sheva see each other, it'll be the best kind of awkwardness. :)
Mss. KB: Even though Elza isn't known very well and not much is revealed about her, I think she's a great character. I'm glad you knew she was; you're one of the few! :O I think for Jill, she's the most reliable person. You don't think Sheva would sleep with Chris when he was single? Chris is totally the seducer without even trying! I think Chris would accept attraction easier, whereas Sheva would feel she needs to be professional and try to deny it, but I think she would totally have feelings for Chris. :) After the next chapter, the first flashback will start and it'll be about Chris's first impression of Sheva. You are fabulous, too, darling. ;)
wolfspiritqueen: Ah, that's awesome you knew who Elza was! Out of all the people that leave reviews, you're the only that actually gave a description of Miss Walker. :) Yay for knowing our RE trivia. I can think not being able to trust easy can be more of a blessing than trusting easily. Thank you, I'm really glad you like my stories and that you found them. :)
Sheva Giulia: Hmm, awkward and exploding passion… Maybe both! I can't wait until that chapter comes. But it's coming soon! Aw, I love Fat Marvin, too! ^.^
Aires: I couldn't read all of your review because it was a guest one and my email only shows a certain amount of characters. So I do apologize if I don't respond to all of the review. :) Whoop whoop on no homework! Pets are so amazing. I love all my fluff balls. Haha, Marvin could be taken as a dog, very true. But he's basically my own fat cat, Robin, but in literary form. Marvin is EXACTLY like my Robin. :o I love doggies, but you're right, their barking is offensive. :P So much tension in LA, right? I guess we should be careful who we sleep with, or else we'll get a Sheva/Chris situation… D: I understand. I've been told I'm a good listener, too. But I have a hard to time asking people for help or accepting it, so I usually stick to listening then opening up. :( I'll read more of your opinion on RE6 when the comment goes through on the website and then I'll give a true response on the next update. XOXO :)
The next chapter is one I am really excited for. I shall not say much except that Fat Marvin is good at stalling people. ;)
-Sarai
