Chapter 17.

Gibbs waited with Tony until the paramedics arrived. He looked over his boy's injuries, he knew they would heal in time, his main worry was the light in his eyes, the one he had when he first had his children. The man who no matter how bad things got always held out the hope that there was something better coming.

It wasn't there.

After Tony had broken down he sat there staring into space not registering the paramedics that Tim had let past to treat him or Jimmy who was putting the body of Ziva into one bag and then he moved to deal with the body of Mike Macaluso. As he reached the point where he was going to zip up the body bag, Tony jumped up. Everyone jumped with the sudden movement.

"Tony?" Tim said.

Tony stilled Jimmy's hand on the zipper. "Wait." He croaked.

He looked at the body his hand touching his father's face, "I'm sorry." He said quietly. He looked at the lines on the older man's face, and he slowly closed the old man's eyes. He marveled to himself just how much like his father he was. Doing what he'd needed to do to survive, he'd taken the old man's beatings, he had tried to protect his children and his father was right, He could have been so much more, he could have done so much more to protect them, he was a failure, he was never good enough as a DiNozzo, he'd tried to be a better version of a Macaluso, the letter he still held in his pocket from his mother begging him to find his father and take on his name which had been the turning point for him agreeing to change it in the first place. He was now nothing…maybe his children would be better off without him.

Gibbs was a good father figure, he mused. If he left the children with him, they would grow up in Gibbs' image, be better people.

Gibbs walked over and put a hand on Tony's shoulder, noticing the flinch as he did so, "You need to let him go Tony. You need to go with the paramedics; they need to look at your injuries."

Tony turned and allowed Gibbs to lead him away.


Tony sat starting at the blank wall in the hospital, Gibbs was outside talking to the doctor in the corridor, he didn't want to listen in, honestly he just didn't care, there wasn't any more that he could take.

But he needed to make plans first, his children. He needed to do what was best for his children and he knew that what was best for his children wasn't him. He knew this now, His mother had been ok until he was born, she'd put up with him for eight years before she died. He'd held her body and cried until Senior had told him that it was his fault, he should have gone and looked for help. Then Jeanne, she'd loved him, until he had broken her heart by revealing that the man she had fallen for didn't exist, he had taken Ziva's advice and told her that he had never loved her and broken his own heart in the process. The others, Paula, Kate, and Wendy …those who he had given his heart to and had died or crushed him. Ziva herself, he'd loved her, but she had just used him as part of her mission, granted she had birthed his children, and she had said she had loved them really. But had she? He'd never know and the fact that she had offered to kill him didn't help him figure her out, and his chance to do so was now gone. His own father; Mike Macaluso, had told him he was a disappointment and a disgrace to the family name. All that was left in his life were his children, Gibbs, Tim and Abby… All the people he loved.

He had to go he couldn't take the chance that they too would be hurt.

He grabbed the pen off the clipboard at the end of the bed and turned his chart over and wrote on the back.

Looking over what he had written he climbed off the bed and slipped on his shoes.

It was time to go.


Gibbs walked down the corridor with Dr. Samuels discussing his son's condition. Following him into the Doctors lounge for a decent cup of coffee they discussed everything.

"Physically, he will heal in a month or so, the scars will fade, but I am most worried about his mental state. He's been here 24 hours and apart from answering questions about his pain, he hasn't engaged with anyone. I was told by Dr. Pitt that he would be a handful, to be honest he's the most model patient in here."

"Yeah doc, that's what, scares me." Gibbs admitted.

"I have asked Dr. Dillon our resident psychiatrist to come and see him before he's discharged." Dr. Samuels said.

"He may not talk to her…Him?" Gibbs asked.

"Him, Matthew." Samuels admitted.

"OK," Gibbs responded. He looked at the clock; he'd been gone from Tony's room for half an hour and he felt he needed to be back there. He stood up and thanked the doctor. Leaving to go to the room he gave Abby a quick ring to check on the children.

His call was answered and he was met by loud music and two screaming kids in the background.

"SHHHHHH! It's Gibbs!" Abby shouted over the din. "Hey Gibbs!" she answered brightly as the yelling in the background turned to quieter bickering.

"What's going on Abs?" he asked.

"Your grandchildren are having a small difference of opinion." Abby said and Gibbs could hear her biting her tongue.

"put me on speaker." Gibbs said his voice flat.

"Yes Boss." Abby snapped.

"ADAM, AMELIA!" Gibbs raised his voice over the phone and the bickering stopped.

"Yes Grandpa?" both children answered.

"What is going on?"

"Nothing…." Amelia replied. Adam stayed silent.

Gibbs held on and waited.

"We wanna see dad….and Ima…but Abby said that….that…."Amelia broke down.

"Grandpa, is Ima…dead?" Adam asked his voice small.

Gibbs had wanted to avoid this, "Yes, I'm sorry guys, your mother died. But she was trying to save your father."

"See…!" Adam hissed. "I told you they loved each other."

"I didn't say that," Gibbs interjected, "I don't know what your mother felt for your father, I don't think anyone will know."

"SEE!" Amelia snapped at her brother.

"Your father is hurt, but not badly so he should be home tonight or tomorrow. But you both should know. Your mothers' last words were that she loved you."

"SHE LIES!" Amelia shouted.

Gibbs waited as her voice became muffled and he knew Abby had wrapped her arms around the teenager.

"Abbs. You gonna be ok?" Gibbs asked nearing Tony's room.

"We'll be fine Gibbs, you go take care of Tony and being him home, his team needs him…McGee has them working cold cases."

Gibbs smiled, "Ok Abbs, you take care of all of them for me, including that husband of yours and I'll bring Tony back." He smiled as he closed the phone.


Opening the door, he was already talking to Tony, "You'll never guess what…" he started and stopped as he realized the room was empty.

He checked the bathroom and the hallway and on not finding him went to see if he'd left a note.

He picked up Tony's chart and realized he had written on the back of his chart.

'Gibbs'

I know now…I know I am not what is best for my children, I end up causing the death of all those I love.

Adam and Amelia are too important to be killed by the poor choices I make.

Please Boss, if you ever cared about me adopt them, give them your name a good strong name, take the stigma of the DiNozzo/Macaluso/David…Eshel…whatever from them.

Raise them like you would have Kelly, make them good…

Maybe with your help they can overcome the crappy DNA they inherited. There is an envelope in my house, take it to my lawyers, if you want to it will allow you to adopt the kids.

I love them, which is why I have to leave; I am not what is best for them.

Please help them to forget me, and their past, help them have a brighter future.

Thank you….Boss, for taking a chance in me, I am sorry I was such a disappointment, I should have done better. But I'm the kid no one wanted, I had three parents that's one more than most kids and all three... I killed my mother and my father and Senior knew how twisted and broken I am. I killed Kate and Paula, Wendy made it out alive, but I ruined her. Ziva couldn't love me, like she said 'there was nothing right there for me to love.' I wish… I wish you had been my father; maybe I wouldn't have been so broken.

I'm leaving Boss, don't try and find me, it's not worth your time, just go back to running NCIS, look after my babies, and tell Tim, he is good enough to lead the team. He will be a great team leader and an asset to you.

Tell Abby I'm sorry.

God, I just realized I wanted to sign this…I can't I'm nobody; I don't even have a name.

I'm sorry…

The note finished and Gibbs realized he was crying, the pain in the letter almost too much for him to bear. He quickly wiped his eyes and called Tim.

"McGee…Gibbs, Need you at the hospital now. Tony's gone." He said and shut the phone.