I do not own Fate/Stay night or any of the series' used here.
Naruto sighed as he swept away the various pieces of food, confetti, and alcoholic bottled from the floor into a small trash can. Cole was now sipping a glass of water while Lelouch looked nervously from side to side as both Shirley and Kallen continued to clutch to his left and right arm respectively.
"I swear, this carnival is just too much…" Naruto whined out while setting his broom onto the wall. "Just how many does TIM intend to make?"
"Well, this one is actually made by his beta Sir Godot, so that's something different." Cole mentioned while Lelouch just nodded.
"Indeed, it was about time someone accepted TIM's offer to create their own chapter for the carnival. Hopefully, this will inspire others too…." Lelouch began, only for Shirley to tug his arm.
"Lulu, let's go! WALL-E's about to start on the television!" Shirley whined out while looking at Lelouch with puppy dog eyes. "You promised!"
"No way, we've seen that damn movie for a thousand times!" Kallen shouted out while shooting Shirley a mean glare. "If we're going to watch a Disney movie for the date, we're going to see Wreck It Ralph!"
Lelouch sighed as he looked down before muttering, "It's starting…"
Carnival Frenzy
The Holy Grail War – a deadly contest that started centuries ago. Every time seven Magi gather at the location of Fuyuki City and summon seven legendary Heroic Spirits to fight for them. The Servants themselves are listed by their classes: Saber, Lancer, Archer, Rider, Berserker, Assassin, and Caster. The one Servant and Master remaining in the end shall receive the Holy Grail, an ancient and powerful object with the power to grant any wish, as the prize.
However, apparently someone didn't quite get that memo…
"Okay, that's it! Now keep a steady hand and keep wrapping."
"These feathers are kinda itchy."
"I have sand in my shoes."
Various voices proclaimed various complaints as the seven Masters and their respective Servants had gathered in a location that all but three were unfamiliar with. One of those three approached another one.
"How are the preparations going, Mr. Deadberg? Or do you prefer Spielpool for this, Assassin?"
This voice belonged to none other than Kirei Kotomine, priest, magus and fan of Bea Arthur. The one he had addressed was his Servant and fellow Bea Arthur fan Assassin. Said Heroic Spirit was still clad in his usual clothes, only he now also wore a cap reminiscent of artists on his head.
"Well, things are about as expected. Took a lot longer than expected due to this being not written by TIM for a change, which also explains why we talk so differently compared to normal."
Kirei nodded his head slightly. "It's truly a shame for a guy to write an omake for another author's story when he still hasn't finished the promised next chapter of his own story." The priest then turned his attention to the other people present. "But for the Holy Grail to manifest as something like that… the ideas these authors keep coming up with will never cease to amaze me."
Assassin patted his shoulder in agreement. "No truer words were ever spoken. Well, let's get this party started. Everyone, front and center!"
The six remaining Master-Servant pairs plus tagalongs begrudgingly gathered in front of Assassin and Kirei. Nobody knew where Assassin had suddenly gotten that megaphone from, and frankly, they didn't really question it anymore.
"Alright maggots," Assassin began. "You all know what you're here for, but as the readers don't know yet, allow me to recap: the Holy Grail has manifested as an Oscar – and I don't mean Mickey's rabbit brother. So in order for one of us to win the cup we have to make a movie and floor the jury with it! Any questions?"
Irisviel, who was dressed in a set of black and red robes along with an imposing black head, slowly raised her hand.
"Uhm, where exactly are we? And what's with these costumes?"
Kirei somehow produced his own megaphone and answered the question, completely ignoring the fact that the others only stood a few yards away and would have heard him anyway.
"An excellent question. We are currently in a place called Hueco Mundo thanks to Berserker opening a gate here off-screen." The Servant in question wondered indeed just when he had done that and why there were no Hollows around to eat either the others or get eaten by him. "As for the costumes, they are for the movie we are performing. As the one appointed to be the scriptwriter by the author, allow me to introduce the project."
With that Kirei reached behind his back and pulled out a notebook with the title "Aladdin" doodled on it. "As you can see we are performing Aladdin, based on the Disney movie of course. I shall now proceed to announce the roles, so you should listen up if you want to win that Osc – I mean, the Grail. Ahem."
Maiya: Palace Guard
Kiritsugu's assistant was dressed in white baggy pants and a black, on her head a white turban. While she seemed to dislike the getup, the look on her face when she inspected her sword and discovered that it was quite sharp was a little unsettling for some of the others present.
Sola-Ui: Fruit Vendor
Sola-Ui seemed a little disappointed to be dressed as a generic and rather unimportant character, but as she looked at Lancer and his (in her opinion) absolutely adorable outfit, the thought of offering him her melons somehow entered her mind.
'This day can't get much better.' The woman thought happily.
Kayneth: Stunt Double
Kayneth was confused and as always, proceeded to react to it like he did to everything he didn't like – which was almost everything in existence, really. "What's a stunt double? I demand to know, I refuse to get my clothes dirty with the job of a commoner!"
And suddenly Sola-Ui's day got even better. Lancer still distanced himself a little from her when a low demonic chuckle escaped the throat of his secondary Master.
Tokiomi: Sultan
The head of the Tohsaka family didn't really react to the announcement. He was preoccupied by drinking some delicious red wine of a bottle he had managed to keep save from Archer. But as his role didn't really have to do much, nobody thought it was necessary to tell him otherwise. They could probably sit him on the throne and ignore him.
Uryuu: Unimportant Side Characters
"Huh? Does this mean I won't have time to play with some children? Come to think of it, there aren't much people in this dump any-"
The homicidal maniac was interrupted in his whining by his Servant, who looked him into the eyes and muttered a quick "Mangekyo Sharingan". Uryuu then stayed quiet. He also stayed perfectly still. When Caster waved a hand in front of his face, not even his eyes followed the movement.
"Looks like you broke him, teme. Great job, really." The ghostly voice of Ghost Naruto then proceeded to make fun of Caster, even as the Servant kept chanting "Shut up" and began to drag his statue of a Master around.
Kiritsugu: Cameraman
Without saying anything Kiritsugu approached the camera in question and checked it over. That it looked like he was testing it like a gun wasn't noticed by many, but even the last one got it when the Magus Killer started to tape a sniper rifle to it.
Irisviel: Jafar the Vizier
"…"
"…"
"… what the hell?"
Not many magi were familiar with Disney movies (unlike the Servants, who had been filled in by the Holy Grail), but even those who only knew remotely about the stereotypical evil viziers couldn't help but wonder who in his right mind would cast Irisviel as the villain of a story. Then they remembered who had written the script and who their director was. The question disappeared faster than lunch in front of a certain Tiger.
Kariya: Narrator / Peddler
Due to his poor health and the blood loss (caused by throwing it up), Kariya was only able to follow most of what he heard about his role. He had to win the Grail. He had to narrate something. And as always, these facts were connected to Sakura-chan in his head.
"Don't worry, Sakura-chan." Kariya mumbled to himself. "I'll tell you a nice story… Yeah, a nice bedtime story…"
The Matou magus then fainted and fell face first to the ground. For once it didn't hurt so much as the sand softened the impact, unlike the impact of the kicks of his Servant Berserker, who was trying – in his own way – to get his Master to his feet again.
Waver: Aladdin
"HUH?! I have the main role?! But I – why – how – can't – " Waver's stammering was cut short by a hearty slap on the back courtesy of Rider, who has a massive grin on his face.
"Lucky bastard! The hero always gets the most screen time, so the Grail is as good as ours! Plus, this way you can learn how to act manly in front of an audience!"
Caster: Visual Effects
Caster, who was still busy moving his frozen Master around, barely acknowledged his role. It wasn't even that bad in his opinion, at least he didn't have to play a role and interact with the others this way. Also, if he had to make special effects there was always the chance of some unfortunate… accidents.
"I heard that, bastard! I knew that it wasn't an accident when that fireball of you almost roasted me back then you - !" The rest of Ghost Naruto was ignored as well, as hard as it was. Caster only hoped he wouldn't snap before this whole thing was over.
Berserker: Raja the Tiger
For a moment, Berserker was surprisingly quiet. Of course it didn't last.
"… a pet tiger? You had the BALLS to cast ME as a PET TIGER?! I'M GONNA RIP YOUR THROAT OUT YOU - !"
Berserker had to be forcibly restrained by Archer and Rider so that he wouldn't rip the priest and his Servant into little bits. The fact that Rider was laughing all the while didn't exactly help matters.
Archer: Iago the Parrot
Despite being preoccupied, Archer could hear his role. He was actually quite happy with it. As he knew the basics of the movie, he knew that he got to crack smart-ass comments. Not to mention the feathers he had been ordered to stick to his cloak now made sense. And lastly, he got to hang out with that sweet looking angel of a woman the entire movie.
'I think I'm gonna enjoy this.' Archer thought happily.
He then noticed that the cameraman was already aiming his camera at him. Sniper rifle included. The man didn't say anything, but the message was pretty clear.
'… maybe I should watch my step a little.'
Lancer: Abu the Monkey
Lancer got a little depressed when he heard his role. Not only had it been one of the many quite hurtful nicknames a certain redhead had thrown at him in the past, but he had the feeling there was a "butt-monkey" joke involved somewhere. Considering the director and scriptwriter he was almost sure of it.
"Now now, Lancer." Sola-Ui said in comforting tone. "Don't worry, I know you'll do a great job. And later on I'll give you some of my melons as reward, how does that sound?"
Lancer blinked at that. Sure, his secondary Master was holding two sizeable watermelons in her arms, but he could have sworn that… nah, he was probably just imagining things. Little did he know…
Rider: Genie
A wide grin appeared on Rider's face. "Ha! Awesome! Phenomenal cosmic powers along with my manliness shall pierce the Heavens! And you even get to be my Master here, Master! This shows we are fated to accomplish great things together!"
Absentmindedly said Master was surprised how well fitting some of the assigned roles were (the Einzbern woman as evil vizier aside), as Rider shared a lot with the genie from the movie. Both were loud and boisterous, wore no shirt and had something for the colour blue.
"I have a bad feeling about this." Waver muttered silently to himself.
Saber: Princess Jasmine
The King of Knights was fervently suppressing the urge to scream at this point. Not only was she forced to participate in this farce of a contest for the Grail, they even had the gall to make her a princess, a damsel in distress even. The desire to chop Assassin's head off and do things with it that were unspeakable was steadily rising. However, this was the only chance to get the Grail. So she would wait. But once everything was over and done…
"Hehehehehehehe…" Saber's quite unsettling cackling drew more than one odd glance, but most of the others ignored it in favor of their own problems, there were more than enough of those after all.
Assassin raised his megaphone again.
"Okay ladies, those are the roles. Remember, if you have a problem with your assignment, sent them either to Sir Godot or bury them in the sand, it will do the same, namely nothing. And now, everyone on their post, we'll start shooting the movie in 10 minutes!"
Lancer hesitantly raised his hand. "Uh, but what about our lines? Shouldn't we get to practice them first?"
Assassin looked at Kirei. Kirei looked at Assassin. Then they both burst into laughter. "AHAHAHA, HAHAHA – you actually think we're going to do this PROFESSIONALLY? Oh man, that cracked me up… so no, we're gonna improvise the whole thing. You have about 9 minutes to think of lines that fit the plot because Kirei over here doesn't feel like sharing his script. All you get is a rough outline of what happens in the original movie."
Said priest nodded in agreement. "Indeed. I guess I could make an excuse like saying that this script also contains pictures of the glorious Bea Arthur and that I would be a fool to give it away, however, the truth is that the author simply wants to mess with you. Deal with it."
And with that the mayhem was about to start…
A Psycho Priest and Fool Production…
Waverdin
[SCENE: An endless desert lies before us. Nothing but sand, sand and more sand as far as the eye can see. Did I already mention the sand? Because there's a lot of it. A single figure can be seen trotting through the desert, occasionally stumbling, falling down and not getting up for a few minutes. Zooming in we see KARIYA MATOU, the PEDDLER. He greets the audience by coughing up some blood with worms in it.]
KARIYA: … urgh… Hey Sakura-chan… Have you come for a story? I know a nice one, it's about this guy who finds a magical artifact to get his wishes granted. Yes, I'll be glad to tell you more about it. It all began in a starry night in the desert… COUGH –
"What happened to the narration?" Kirei asked Assassin, who was sitting on a foldable chair which had the word "DIRECTOR" written on its back. "I remember it being a lot less script-like. And with less blood and worms too."
Assassin raised his megaphone and used it to talk to his Master, despite the fact that he was standing right next to him.
"Well, I could make an excuse like "because we lack the budget for something better" – which is true by the way – or something along the lines of "to better portray the feeling of sitting in a play" or any number of similar explanations."
Kirei raised an eyebrow, unperturbed by the fact someone was shouting into his ears with a megaphone. "And the real reason?"
Assassin merely shrugged with the shoulders. "The author of this omake is a) a really big fan of Moczo's "Shinderella" (great job Moczo!) and b) too lazy to write it differently and c) too preoccupied with his videogames to put any more effort into this."
Kirei thought about this for a moment before nodding. "That actually makes a lot more sense than pretty much everything else we do here."
[Ignoring this brief interruption and the fact that there is no Sakura-chan the narrator seems to be talking to nearby, the camera shifts to even more sand. A person in black and red is standing on a sand hill, along with what appears to be a combination of man and chicken. They seem to be looking at a giant face made out of sand. Bleach fans recognize it as the Hollow Runuganga, but according to the script it's the MIRACLE CAVE. The person in black and red is the EVIL VIZIER, IRISVIEL. At her side is her trusty pet, ARCHER THE PARROT.]
IRISVIEL: I think the man we sent into the Miracle Cave was just eaten.
[ARCHER is kneeing on the ground, crying.]
ARCHER: He was still so young! He had his entire life before him! Why gods, why would you do this?
[The MIRACLE CAVE seems to feel unwell. After a short while of moaning in pain, it throws up and spits a slightly digested KAYNETH THE STUNT DOUBLE out, who proceeds to moan and complain while being hugged by an overjoyed ARCHER.]
ARCHER: He's still alive!
KAYNETH: Dear God, it was horrible! I could feel myself being dissolved by its stomach acid! What idiot had the idea to send me in there to begin with? I'm going to make this person regret – "
[KAYNETH then finally passes out as the pain overwhelms him. The entire matter has been completely ignored by IRISVIEL.]
IRISVIEL: Hmm, we might need someone else to get the wish granting artifact for us. Oh, I well, for now there are more important things to do! Come on, it's time to bake some cookies!
ARCHER: Yes, milady! That sounds wonderful!
[The "evil" duo departs, coincidentally leaving a still very unconscious KAYNETH behind.]
[The camera shifts to the insides of LAS NOCHES, which is henceforth known as THE PALACE. In the outer area we can see a panicked WAVER running away from MAIYA THE GUARD, who is pursuing the main character while shooting at him with semi-automatic firearms. To WAVER's great luck, she hasn't hit him – yet.]
WAVER: WHY THE HELL ARE YOU USING LIVE AMMUNITION?!
MAIYA: YOU STOLE MY PANTIES! AND A LOAF OF BREAD!
WAVER: NO, I DIDN'T STEAL ANYTHING! ESPECIALLY YOUR PANTIES, SO KNOCK IT OFF YOU PSYCHOTIC – AAAaaaah – !
[WAVER's complaints are cut short when he fails to notice that the ground he had been running on had a trapdoor in it. Said trapdoor has been opened by WAVER's trusty friend and partner in crime - ]
WAVER: For the last time, I didn't steal anything!
[… his partner in crime, LANCER THE MONKEY. LANCER's costume basically consist of a vest, a pair of baggy pants and an attached monkey's tail.]
LANCER: I really wish I had gotten a different role… And why is there a pair of p-panties stitched onto the back of your costume?
WAVER: At least you weren't getting shot at for a loaf of bread you didn't even steal… wait, what?
[The SCRIPTWRITER KIREI briefly interrupts the consumption of his brunch snack – a loaf of bread with his beloved Mapo Tofu, which he has an entire pot of – to stare at said brunch. "I knew this bread was important for something… Oh well." He then proceeds to eat the bread again. He is hungry as stitching a pair of panties onto someone's vest is not easy when the person is already wearing the vest and a certain other person is looking for said undergarments after all.]
LANCER: We should leave before Maiya-san discovers the trap door. I dislike the thought of getting shot at…
[Waver quickly agrees (after removing the panties) and the dynamic duo (or rather, whiny duo) begins to wander through the vast outer halls of THE PALACE. After a while they reach the marketplace, which strangely enough consists only of one stand, lead by SOLA-UI THE FRUIT VENDOR. Said vendor winks at LANCER, causing his monkey tail to stiffen as if it was a rod. This is by no means a metaphor for anything else pertaining LANCER as this movie is PG rated. Kind of.]
SOLA-UI: Hey there, boys… How about it, can I interest you in my… melons? Your poor monkey seems positively… starved.
[WAVER senses that there is far more to these statements besides the promise of a fruit, but as LANCER begins to mumble something that vaguely sounds like "Imustn'trunaway, Imustn'trunaway", WAVER decides to cut the scene short.]
WAVER: Let's just get this over with… The sooner this movie is over, the faster I can get away from this madness.
[Right on cue a fanfare can be heard, even though there aren't any people to play one nearby. It probably came from the DIRECTOR's megaphone somehow. WAVER and LANCER turn around to see a quite unmoving URYUU being dragged away on a badly made wooden horse by CASTER, who is doing his best to remain unseen. It doesn't really work as the horse repeatedly falls over and drops URYUU to the ground, causing CASTER to stop and put him on it again.]
CASTER: You saw nothing.
[One very short Sharingan-powered hypnosis later…]
SOLA-UI: Oh dear, another suitor shot down. That princess really doesn't know what to look for in a guy. Unlike me…
[Deciding that he does not like the glances the FRUIT VENDOR is sending at his companion, WAVER asks for further information.]
WAVER: What princess are you talking about?
SOLA-UI: The princess of this kingdom of course. She rejects every suitor who wants to marry her, driving her poor father into despair. Personally, I think she's just insecure about her flat chest –
[Before SOLA-UI can say anything else that might end with several people getting acquainted with a certain sword, WAVER interrupts her.]
WAVER: I just remembered that I had to run an important errand. Emphasis on run. Come along Lanc – I mean, Abu. Dear god, how much more of this…
[As our dynamic duo proceeds to walk away from the one stand market, the camera skips to another part of the plot, namely the Royal Palace. It's really just Aizen's old throne room, which hasn't even been cleaned yet as one can still spot half full cups and cans of tea standing on the table. Tokiomi, THE SULTAN, is sitting on the throne and sipping on a glass of wine. So he's pretty much doing the same as always. Next to him is his most trusted advisor, IRISVIEL THE VIZIER. ARCHER THE PARROT is busy eating crackers.]
IRISVIEL: My lord, your daughter has turned down yet another suitor it would seem.
TOKIOMI: Has she now? Such a troublesome child… Really, she is nothing like how a good daughter should be. What did she do this time?
IRISVIEL: Apparently she wanted to feed her suitor to her pet tiger, but only because you forbid her to stab him like she did with the previous one. Maybe you should talk with her?
TOKIOMI: Talk with her? Why would I do that? No, I'm going to ignore her and decide what's good for her. That's what my father did, and look how I turned out.
[THE SULTAN fails to notice the grimaces on both IRISVIEL and ARCHER'S face, as both of them actually know what good parenting involves and that anyone who willingly sells his 8 year old daughter to a man who does very dubious things with worms to her. Not that THE SULTAN knows that, though the chances are he wouldn't care even if he did. Moving on. The camera now shows the lush gardens of the palace. And when I say "lush gardens" I mean a collection of white stones that look exactly like the walls around it. In fact, the only reason to even considers this spot a garden is because of the rather cheaply made wooden sign saying "GARDEN" in big letters. We can see SABER THE PRINCESS and her… loyal pet tiger…? BERSERKER THE TIGER. To appear more tiger-like he is in his Resurrección form, despite it being based on a panther. Having no budget limits one in these things.]
SABER: Why does God condemn me to suffer at the hands of those clowns…? Are my sins really that heavy?
BERSERKER: Lady, you are talking to a guy who is the sum of millions of evil souls pressed into one body. What kind of answer do you expect from me?
[At this point a toy arrow with a suction cup as head hits BERSERKER's head from behind. A note is attached to it, so he for once swallows his rage at being shot at with a humiliating weapon to read what the note is saying.]
BERSERKER: "Remember to stay in character – that means no talking." Oh, you got to be kiddi –
[BERSERKER's words remain incomplete as some kind of cross between bubblegum and glue impacts his mouth at high speed and seals it shut for the remaining time of this farce, eh, play. Where it came from is everyone's guess, but the DIRECTOR is not even trying to conceal the gun in his hands. SABER looks like she's close to an aneurysm.]
SABER: … I need to get away from here before I do something I might regret.
[SABER then proceeds to visit the marketplace, leaving a fuming and quite angry BERSERKER behind. Normally she should have been stopped by guards of course, but as the only guard in this play is still hunting a bread thief, she leaves without anyone getting in her way. The scene then returns to the throne room of the palace again, where THE SULTAN is still sipping on his wine and THE VIZIER is doing… evil… vizier stuff.]
IRISVIEL: Would you like one of the cookies I made, your highness? Archer seems to be quite found of them.
TOKIOMI: Yes, I noticed that when he started spreading crumbs all over my nice and clean floor. And no, I won't eat a cookie prepared by an enemy magus, that's like turning my back to someone after giving him a weapon myself. Do you think I'm stupid?
[The entire cast of this play (minus TOKIOMI) prefers to avoid answering this question.]
TOKIOMI: As you can see I'm busy, so go do what homunculi do when they have time.
[A dejected looking IRISVIEL leaves the throne room, ARCHER faithfully following her while still eating her cookies.]
IRISVIEL: That was just mean… I wish he would be nicer.
ARCHER: … wasn't there something about a wish granting device in the Miracle Cave?
[IRISVIEL blinks as she realizes that there was indeed something like a plot going on.]
IRISVIEL: You're right! Come one Archer! To the secret laboratory!
[One Sharingan powered illusion that made people think IRISVIEL and ARCHER reached their secret clubroom with a rollercoaster out of a certain llama related Disney movie later…]
ARCHER: Soooo… how are we going to do this? Remember, the last guy who tried to enter was almost killed by it.
IRISVIEL: I have actually thought of a plan how to get the wish granting device from the cave. The last guy who tried was too greedy and ready to use violence to get what he wanted. So we just need someone who's really wimpy and weak so he won't set off the traps.
ARCHER: What about that whole "diamond in the rough" stuff?
[At this point ARCHER THE PARROT realizes he's probably the only one who even tries to stay close to the script.]
IRISVIEL: Oh, we'll just tell that the guy we are going to send into the Miracle Cave if he asks then. No one dismisses my cookies…
[At this point casting IRISVIEL as THE VIZIER seems appropriate for the first time since this play started. In a way.
We now return to SABER THE PRINCESS who is on her quest to explore the exiting life outside the castle for the first time in her life. Of course she does so in a marketplace that can once again only be identified as such due to a wooden sign saying so.]
SABER: Once this farce is over I will never think of this war ever again. I'm actually starting to think that not even my homeland is worth suffering through these ridiculous events.
[SABER continues her "eventful" journey across the market that still only consists of SOLA-UI THE FRUIT VENDOR's stall. WAVER and LANCER THE MONKEY are still hiding from a certain gun-toting PALACE GUARD, but decide that being close to SABER might protect them or at least put them out of their misery quickly.]
SABER: If I remember this asinine plot accurately enough I should meet the… "hero" of this story somewhere around here.
WAVER: … I could actually hear the quotation marks for the word hero here. And for some reason it hurts more than it should.
LANCER: Uh… monkey noises?
[Unlike BERSERKER, LANCER had no intention of getting shot by a mouth sealing gun.]
WAVER: Thank you for that wonderful addition, Lancer. Let's just get this over with… Eh, Saber-san?
SABER: … please tell me Rider is not here with you. I don't think I could endure his presence right now without inflicting an utmost stabbing upon him.
WAVER: To be honest, I haven't seen him since the movie started. Anyway, I think I am supposed to –
[Whatever WAVER was about to say is abruptly cut off as a tranquilizer dart hits his neck, instantly putting him into dreamland. SABER and LANCER watch with a mixture of fascination and sheer incredulity how WAVER is dragged away by MAIYA THE GUARD. Once they are out of sight, SABER turns to LANCER.]
SABER: …do you by any chance know what we are supposed to do now?
LANCER: … monkey noises?
SABER: Yes, that's what I was afraid of.
[The scene changes to the sand dunes from the beginning, which can only be identified as such because KAYNETH THE STUNT DOUBLE is still lying there. Most of him anyway. Apparently not all Hollows had been kind enough to vacate the movie premises. We see IRISVIEL, ARCHER and an unconscious WAVER next to KAYNETH's partially eaten corpse. ARCHER is, once again, crying.]
ARCHER: Kayneth died!
[From his very remote position, KARIYA THE NARRATOR mutters a weak "Who the fuck cares?" before slipping into his death-like state again. Why did you think he was casted for the role with the least action?]
ARCHER: He was still so young! He had his entire life ahead of him! Why world, why are you so cruel?!
IRISVIEL: Now now, Archer. I am sure he's in a better place – or better places.
WAVER: Urgh… where am I? And why do I feel like that one time where Rider gave me alcohol at the Matou manor party?
IRISVIEL: Oh, you're awake, perfect timing. Do you want a cookie?
WAVER: Uh… thanks?
[While WAVER eats a cookie, IRISVIEL explains the plot nobody cares about to him. As it's an exposition nobody cares about, here's a commercial break.]
We see Kotomine Kirei in a running shower with only a gray towel around his waist. Also, there is an "I love Bea Arthur" tattoo on his chest in the shape of a heart.
"Hello ladies. Look at your man. Now look at me. Now back at your man, now back to me. Of course, he isn't me. But if your man joined the church and took a level in badass he could become a fraction as awesome that I am. Look down."
Kirei looked down and at the same time the scenery dissolved like the montage it was to reveal a burning city. In the background a small red-haired child could be seen stumbling through the wreckage. Kirei himself was now dressed in his usual priest clothes which had slammed into him from off-screen, somehow attaching themselves to him perfectly rather than falling to the ground as gravity demanded it.
"Look back up. Where are you?" An especially fierce gust of super heated air blew his towel away as he continued to speak. "You are at the center of a situation one cannot survive with the man who did survive it and YOUR man could try to imitate. Now look at your hand."
The priest reached into his cloak. "Back at me." In his hand was now a chimichanga. "I have it. This is the food of champions, a chimichanga." He took a bite out of it with great relish. "Look again." He said while still chewing. The chimichanga morphed into a golden cup where a suspicious black liquid was slowly flowing out of. "The chimichanga is now the Holy Grail. Everything is possible if you join the church as an executor and are as awesome as me."
The image of the camera changed once again and the burning city disappeared in favor of a familiar racing track. Kirei himself stood on the engine hood of the Mario Kart he had used a few chapters ago with Assassin driving it. The intense winds that should have ripped Kirei right off the car didn't even seem to notice him.
"I am standing on a fucking Mario Kart. Suck it Kiritsugu."
A familiar jingle could be heard as a bold lettered caption appeared, saying "THE CATHOLIC CHURCH – WHERE BADASS PRIESTS ARE BORN".
[And now back to the story.]
WAVER: So I just have to go in there and get you whatever there is at the center of the cave?
IRISVIEL: That's right. I just know that you are wimpy, eh I mean, pure enough to be allowed to enter the cave.
WAVER: And why should I actually go in there? It looks like it's going to eat me!
IRISVIEL: Actually, here's a letter for you to answer that question.
[WAVER carefully opens the letter. Only one sentence is written there and it says "Look at the camera". Waver does so and sees KIRITSUGU THE CAMERAMAN with the gun still attached to the camera aiming right at WAVER.]
WAVER: You know what, I'll do it. Not like I have anything better to do, hahaha…ha.
ARCHER: Wow, you're a really nice guy. Here, have another cookie.
[Trying to ignore the feeling of the cookie being his last meal, WAVER carefully approached the MIRACLE CAVE, which was still a Hollow. WAVER is slowly approaching him. Luckily the only dampness on his costume comes from his tears.]
WAVER: I really don't want to be in this movie anymore.
[Just as WAVER steps inside the MIRACLE CAVE, CASTER's head appears in front of the camera with his Sharingan spinning. So while WAVER walks through the digestive system of a Hollow, which is quite frankly disgusting, the watchers only see mountains of treasure.]
WAVER: … I think I have to throw up.
[After a long and arduous journey through places that WAVER will have to go through therapy to forget, he arrives at the center of the MIRACLE CAVE.]
WAVER: … seriously? All that talk about a lamp in the script and in the end it's LAGANN?! *Sigh* Let's just get this over with…
[WAVER then touches the "magical lamp", and with dramatic light and sound effects, which once again only the audience hit by CASTER's Sharingan can see, RIDER THE GENIE emerges from the "lamp".]
RIDER: Man, I am finally out of there! Seriously, as much as I like Lagann, that thing was not meant to contain so much manliness without action for so long! Oh, hey Waver, how's it going?
WAVER: I had to walk through 1 kilometer of a man-eating monster's digestive organs – HOW DO YOU THINK IT'S GOING?!
RIDER: Chill out Waver, tracking through harsh environments and braving nature is all a part of a man's soul!
WAVER: Tell that to my partially digested legs Rider! And do you know how horrifying it was to find one of Kayneth's arms down there?
"Kirei, we have a problem." Assassin shouted with his megaphone from his chair. "This is the point where the Miracle Cave collapses, but Kiritsugu's second squeeze forgot the monkey. Any suggestions?"
The priest in question looked up from his still ongoing brunch for a second, filled his plate with a second taking of Mapo Tofu before throwing the remaining pot at the "Miracle Cave" with incredible accuracy. The Hollow swallowed the very spicy food and for a moment everything was silent. Then the soul eating monster began to groan in pain as its very insides were being eaten away by the infernal dish.
"Problem solved." Kirei simply said before returning his attention to his script which in no way was porn.
[Back in the MIRACLE DIGESTIVE SYSTEM, WAVER and RIDER THE GENIE notice that a ceiling is in fact supposed to be above their heads and not trying to crush them.]
WAVER: We're doomed! We're doomed! We're never going to get out of her alive! I don't want to be digested!
RIDER: Relax, Waver! We're going to burst through the big and small intestine alike and reach for the heavens! Quick, climb in!
[Rather than climbing WAVER finds himself being stuffed into Lagann by RIDER before the hatch closes once more above them. The small mecha then begins to glow and starts its engines, indeed breaking through the Hollow's internal organs and dealing even more damage to them than Kirei's tofu. On the outside of the cave, IRISVIEL and ARCHER see the smaller getting light of Lagann.]
IRISVIEL: Oh phooey, we didn't get the wish granting device! How rude, and that after he promised and took my cookies!
ARCHER: No, stay with us Runuganga! You are too young to die!
IRISVIEL: We need a new plan, Archer. Quick, back to the secret laboratory!
[As IRISVIEL THE VIZIER and ARCHER THE PARROT return to their hideout, RIDER and WAVER land right next to the middle of nowhere. At this point WAVER doesn't even have the strength left to be scared anymore.]
WAVER: And what now? Is there really a point to this anymore?
RIDER: But of course! Just who the hell do you think I am?! I'm going to make a manly prince out of you, and if it's the last thing I do!
WAVER: But I didn't even wish for –
RIDER: Silence! Here's your costume!
[RIDER THE GENIE then proceeds to stuff a short red wig on WAVER's head along with a rather cheaply made paper mask of a young boy WAVER does not recognize.]
WAVER: How exactly does this make me a prince?
RIDER: Waver, believe in the me who believes in the you believing in this costume working! Besides, the order came from above, so just roll with it! … And now for a parade worthy of a real prince!
[A huge amount of mana begins to gather around RIDER as he prepares for his coup de grace.]
RIDER: TEAM DAI-GURREN, ROLL OUT!
[The scene changes back to the palace, where IRISVIEL and ARCHER are busy plotting their nefarious schemes.]
IRISVIEL: What do you think Archer? Should I go with or without sugar coating for the next batch?
[… VERY nefarious schemes involving cookies apparently. However, their sinister plotting is interrupted by the sound of loud music.]
IRISVIEL: Do you hear that? ARCHER: Hmphrgl?
IRISVIEL: It sounds like… a Disney rip-off. Quick Archer, to the throne room!
[The two arrive at the throne room of THE PALACE a short moment later (a little longer for ARCHER who went back to fetch some more cookies). TOKIOMI THE SULTAN is still sitting on his throne and sipping on what was either the 50th glass of wine today or still the same one from earlier. It is everyone's guess, really. SABER THE PRINCESS and LANCER THE MONKEY are also there along with BERSERKER THE TIGER, wondering where the voice is coming from. From there they can see how a procession of enormous proportions is headed their way. It appears to consist of colorful mechas of every size and shape, all of them dancing around what looks like a walking red battleship.]
KITTAN: Make way for Prince Wa-Ver!
YOKO: Say hey! It's Prince Wa-Ver!
[The rest of the song has to be cut off for copyright reasons. Because no one messes with Disney – at least not twice. WAVER is currently sobbing on the ground where the Dai-Gurren had dropped him, RIDER hiding the Lagann behind a convenient pillar before walking up next to his Master.]
WAVER: Thank god, it's finally over.
TOKIOMI: I hope you plan to clean this up before you leave. I do not appreciate the sand in my throne room.
SABER: … for some reason I feel the urge to take this man which I have never seen before to the kitchen and get to know him… intimately.
LANCER: Ano, Saber-san, your nose is bleeding again…
BERSERKER: Hmnnph! HMMPHHH!
ARCHER: Now that was a cool entrance!
IRISVIEL: Oh dear, I hope I made enough cookies for everyone.
RIDER: Well everyone, as you can see the incredibly manly Prince Wa-Ver has come to woo the princess of the country! Are there any objections? No? Then let's get to the marriage!
WAVER: Wait, WHAT?! Rider, it doesn't work that way, and why do I have the feeling that this marriage won't be as fictional as I want it to be? AND PUT THAT BIBLE AWAY KOTOMINE, I CAN SEE YOU!
Kirei sighed as he walked away from the still arguing actors. "Oh well, I guess it's time to end this omake then." The priest then walked to an unconscious Kariya, who was occasionally coughing up blood and mumbling something about 'Sakura-chan'. A quick kick to the kidney woke him up again.
"ARGH!"
"Rejoice, Kariya, for the moment of your triumph is near. All you have to do is read those lines and Sakura will be able to be with you." With these words Kirei handed the half-dead magus a script that was surprisingly enough NOT filled with porn.
"That's good…" Kariya slurred, the overall damage he was suffering from slightly impairing his abilities. "Ehem."
KARIYA: During the whole confusion however, no one noticed how IRISVIEL THE VIZIER managed to sneak behind WAVER and steal the wish granting Lagann from behind the pillar.
IRISVIEL: Huh? I did? But stealing is wrong!
KARIYA: She then proceeded to reveal her cunning plan: to become the ruler of the lands herself and force everyone to eat her cookies whether they wanted or not.
IRISVIEL: Now THIS plan I can get behind!
WAVER: Wait, what?
KARIYA: To make sure everyone would obey her word, she ordered the genie of the robot to transform her into a gigantic snake. Caster, do your stuff. … Oh, I wasn't supposed to read that.
CASTER: I swear, I am the only person who actually works around here.
GHOST NARUTO: A completely new experience for a Jutsu stealing bastard like you, isn't it?
CASTER: Shut up ghost of Naruto!
[CASTER then proceeds to bite into his own thumb before summoning a gigantic snake with his blood. Said snake is decidedly angry for being summoned into such a dry climate. Most of the actors (the smarter ones at least) decide to retreat a little.]
MANDA: Who dares summon me? And where am I?
CASTER: Be quiet, we're running out of screen time. Just do your stuff and kill everyone, makes the whole war easier for me anyway. Why didn't I summon you before anyway…?
KARIYA: However, the vile snake form of the evil vizier was quickly destroyed by the heroic deeds of Waver.
WAVER: Say what now?! I have to FIGHT that thing?!
SABER: NO, SHIROU! EX –
RIDER: Oh shi-
SABER: - CALIBUUUUUUUUUUR!
[Still in her questionable mental state, SABER pulls her holy sword and unleashes it upon the unprepared form of Manda, who consequently is obliterated along with a sizeable part of Las Noches. Luckily enough there are no inhabitants around anymore to complain.]
WAVER: Is it finally over?
KARIYA: With her snake form destroyed, the evil vizier took a last desperate gamble -
WAVER: I just had to ask, didn't I?
LANCER: That was just like saying "it can't get worse". Eh, I mean, monkey noises.
BERSERKER: Hmnmph!
KARIYA: The evil vizier commanded the genie to turn her into a wish-granting device.
IRISVIEL: Eh, I don't think I – EEEEK!
[At this point black tentacles suddenly surge from the ground and wrap themselves around IRISVIEL's body. Where they are coming from is everyone's guess at this point, although there is a distinctive chance that KIREI and ASSASSIN did something off-screen.]
IRISVIEL: BAD TOUCH! BAD TOUCH!
[The cameraman is currently aiming at the black mass – and not with his camera.]
RIDER: I don't like the look of that thing.
TOKIOMI: My nice clean throne room! I'll never get those stains out!
WAVER: Forget your floor! We need to survive!
[By now the tentacle mass has taken on a form known to many fans of the Fate franchise as "Seihai-kun". This doesn't make the situation any less dangerous though.]
SEIHAI-KUN: What's the problem anyone?
WAVER: … that you're going to kill us all?
SEIHAI-KUN: Mou, you guys are really hopeless.
[A gigantic kitchen knife drops down from… somewhere]
MOVIE CUTTER KIT!
WAVER: … eh?
SEIHAI-KUN: Just edit the bad stuff out.
KARIYA: And with that the evil vizier was defeated and they all lived happily ever after.
WAVER: Huh?! What do you mean, that's not an ending and – WHOAH! Saber, just where do you think you're touching?!"
SABER: Don't fight it Shirou! We will complete the Prana Exchange ritual in one moment!
WAVER: Rider, help me, and stop taking pictures! HEEEELP!
THE END
Later, at the Holy Grail War Awards
"Bad touches…" Irisviel kept muttering as a silent Kiritsugu led her to her seat. The two were dressed in very expensive looking evening clothes, much like the rest of the Masters and Servants. Minus Kayneth of course, who was, well, dead. The hall was filled with people from Fuyuki City, who were wondering why they were even there.
Saber was also feeling quite displeased for various reasons. "I can't believe I acted so disgraceful… and that it was filmed. I just know that Assassin knew it would turn out like this." Silently, she began to wonder why she kept calling out to someone named 'Shirou'.
A red-haired young boy kept popping into her mind, much to her embarrassment.
Archer and Tokiomi were seated next to them, the Servant happily munching on one of the cookies he had managed to save from the movie set. Tokiomi was – who would have guessed? – drinking some wine while complaining about the barely adequate seats of the hall.
"I am sooo excited! Aren't you as well, Lancer?" Sola-Ui asked the Servant of the Spear while pressing his head into her melons. And for once this didn't refer to the fruits she had been trying to sell.
A very haggard looking Waver sat next to Rider. The way he kept twitching occasionally pointed to some kind of stress. By now he had, to his great relief, managed to ditch the wig and mask. "I just want to go home."
"Come on Waver, man up! This is the best part! Right after the epic battle we had with that eldritch abomination at the movie finale!"
"You mean the one no one can remember for some reason?" Waver dryly asked.
"Exactly!" The sarcasm was lost on Rider, or he just chose to ignore it.
"Urrr…" Was all that Kariya could say from his seat, which he was only barely sitting in. Next to him Berserker was still trying to get off the damn thing that made his mouth stick together.
Uryuu was standing on his seat, much to the displeasure of the ones seated behind him. Caster's hypnosis still hadn't worn off. The Servant in question was burying his face in his hands and muttering things like 'He'll go away if you ignore him.' over and over.
"Admit it teme, you know you won't get rid of me."
"I admit, even I think it was boring how the author just cut us off like that." Assassin said from his seat. His idea of formal wear consisted of his normal clothes with a white 'I love Bea Arthur' shirt worn over it. Right next to him, Kirei was wearing the exact same thing. The two were busy eating a king-sized portion of nachos.
"Well, what can you expect? Its not like TIM wrote this and the other guy has other stuff to do as well. Like studying - which is a code for playing Darksiders II."
"True that."
"Ladies and gentlemen," Kotomine Risei began from his position at the podium. "It's a great honor for me to announce the winner of the Fourth Holy Grail War Awards. Now, without further ado (as I don't get paid for this) let me announce the winner of the Holy Grail."
The old priest opened a sealed envelope and pulled out a sheet of paper. The tension of the audience was so thick it could be cut with a knife – which Assassin and Kirei apparently did and used to flavor their nachos with.
"The winner of the Fouth Holy Grail War Awards is…"
Everyone leaned forward in anticipitation as Risei slowly opened the envelope.
"…Matou Kariya, as Best Narrator!"
"WHAT!?" Everyone shouted in outrage, shock, and anger, while Kariya limped to the stadium with Berserker who was still trying to get the stuff off of his mouth.
"Look Sakura-chan, I won! Just like Gandhi said I would during my… nap!" Kariya shouted while waving at a still expressionless Sakura, who simply gave him a thumbs up.
Kariya's mind however interpreted this differently.
"Mou, I knew you could do it Kariya-tousan! You're the best tou-san anyone could have!"
"I know Sakura-chan~" Kariya sung out while waving at Sakura as Risei put the Holy Grail, which was strangely shaped like an Oscar, into his hand
"How can he win?!" Waver cried out while pointing at Kariya. "He hardly did anything but say a few lines and he died for most of this thing!"
"It's because the author said so kid." Assassin informed him, before looking at Kirei. "Hey, TIM's writing the end of this! This is awesome!"
"Indeed, but it is too late for us to do any successful trolling." Kirei muttered with a remorseful sigh flowing from his lips. "TIM simply wishes to publish this chapter as soon as possible."
"Damn you for being impatient TIM!" Assassin yelled while shaking his fist to the heavens. "You better make up for this in the next chap of Fate:Stay Away!"
"No! Bad Kiritsugu!" Irisviel shouted while taking away Kiritsugu's rifle from his hands, ignoring Saber as she continued to sulk about her 'disgraceful loss' to Berserker and his Master. "No shooting the winner just because you are upset!"
"Do not worry Kiritsugu." Maiya muttered as she took Kiritsugu's hand. "I will comfort you tonight and make you forget of these events."
"YOU BITCH!" Irisviel yelled as she jumped from her seat to Maiya's, tackling her and making the two descend into a cloth-tearing, hair-pulling, and semi-erotic cat fight which Kirei and Assassin began to record thanks to the wonders of the handheld camera and cell phones.
"Say your wish."The Holy Grail declared from Kariya's hand, making Kariya look at it.
"Will you grant multiple requests if it is in the context of one wish?" Kariya asked the Grail in a curious tone.
"Indeed." Was the simple reply, to which Kariya simply smiled.
In the Matou Manor, Matou Zouken's eyes widened in shock before he whispered, "Rose bud…" After that, his entire 'body' and all his worm familiars burst into flames. Not that anybody in the world wept with his passing. In fact, Gaia began to contemplate on throwing a party for him finally kicking the bucket.
Aoi then suddenly appeared by Kariya's side dressed in a skimpy maid oufit with a first aid kit in her hands while giving Kariya a heart-warming smile. "How may I serve you Master?"
With that, Rin and Sakura appeared next to Kariya. Rin gave Kariya a wide smile before shouting, "Kariya-tousan!" and hugging him. Sakura still said nothing, but hugged him as well.
"W-what!?" Tokiomi shouted in shock and horror before his fine red tuxedo disappeared, dirty rags taking their place and a slip of paper was now in his hand. Tokiomi scanned over the paper before saying out loud, "You have been officially banned for life from the Association, and all your property now belongs to one Matou Kariya…"
Kariya's face filled with utter joy before whispering out, "This is the greatest day of my entire life…"
"MRPH!" Berserker's muffled shout echoed out as he now began to try and slice off the material from his mouth with his Katana, not that anybody was paying attention to him. Instead focusing on Kariya as he began to get some suggestive first-aid from Aoi.
"Don't you love a happy ending?" Archer laughed out nervously while Tokiomi continued to look at the paper and Kariya in shock and horror.
But hey, no one objected to that statement.
To Be Continued…
Omake- Seihai-kun!
"WAAAAAHHHH!" Caster shouted as he ran into Seihai-kun's room and cried at its feet. "SEIHAI-KUN!"
"What's wrong Caster-kun?" Seihai-kun asked as its corrupted purpled-colored contents kept dripping from its 'mouth' onto the floor.
"Ghost Naruto won't leave me alone!" Saber cried out while flailing his arms around. "I know that TIM made him to add more comedy into the series, but I just can't take him anymore! I can't go anywhere without hearing the dobe's voice" With that, Caster continued to sob on the ground while Seihai-kun looked on.
"Mou, you are so pathetic Caster-kun…" Seihai-kun chided before dropping a kitchen knife onto the floor.
Anti-Ghost Kit!
"…Huh?" Caster asked in confusion as Seihai-kun leaned down towards him.
"Use this to kill him again, there is no such thing as a ghost of a ghost." Seihai-kun whispered while Caster looked at the knife with horror.
Note- Yo!, glad to give you another dose of Carnival craziness! However, all the credit should go to Sir Godot! He's the one who wrote this chapter, so thanks man!
Anyway, I would like to inform you guys that my fic, Fate:Zero Sense, has seem to have become so popular that several fics are trying to imitate its greatness. I'm both flattered and excited at what some of these fics offer. One that I highly recommend is Chash123's fic, Fate: Chaos, so go check it out.
Also do not forget to go and check out Farmer Kyle's Stitches and Agitated Animator's The Artist and The Faker. Both of which were inspired by my challenges and the links to those stories are on my profile page.
Again, do not forget to check out Fate:Zero Sense's TV Tropes Page and add on whatever you think belongs there.
And do not forget to review! Reviews help my muse, so the more reviews the better!
