I do not own the Fate series or any of the series' used here.

"Ugh… again…?" Cole muttered out as he clutched his head, an icebag over it and his eyes covered in Jack Nicholson-like sunglasses. "I'm too hung-over for this shit…"

"Whether you like it or not MacGrath, we must in fact do this." Lelouch countered, much more composed than his companion, but also had similar sunglasses covering his eyes.

"Ya know, I kinda' understand why he's all mopey…" Lupin began, pointing at Cole. "But you only drank one glass of watered down beer. How can ya be such a lightweight? I remember my teenage years, and it took more than three to down me!"

"Why would Rivalz want us to drink such horrible stuff?" Lelouch moaned out as his right hand gripped his forehead.

"Freaking baby…" Cole growled out, making Naruto look at him curiously while he polished a glass.

"Shouldn't you be whining about your story?" Naruto politely asked, making Cole freeze for a second before sobbing onto the counter.

"There, there…" Lupin sighed as he patted his new buddy on the back with his right hand while his left hand…

"Try to swipe my wallet and I will fry you." Cole warned, holding off his sobs to glare at Lupin who grinned sheepishly before waving his hands in a mock-innocent manner.

Lelouch sighed at the display before moving his head towards the 'screen' and muttering, "It's starting…

Carnival Frenzy

The Holy Grail War. A bloody conflict that has gone on for ages. Seven Magi come to the location of Fuyuki City and summon seven legendary heroes to fight for them. The Servants themselves are listed by their classes: Saber, Lancer, Archer, Rider, Berserker, Assassin, and Caster. The one Servant and Master remaining shall receive the Holy Grail, and ancient and powerful object with the power to grant any wish, as the prize. And now, chaos shall rain in Fuyuki Ci-

"Welcome one and all! Welcome to Fuyuki City's Fifth Annual Seihai Grand Prix!"

Aw, come on! I'm trying to be epic here!

"That's right folks, we're back!" Taiga shouted, wearing a tight yellow tank-top with dangerously short-shorts that had the number 01 stamped onto its side in purple. "And the people who will be presenting this race to you will be the one and only sexy tiger of Fuyuki, Fujimura Taiga…!"

"…And the fan's favorite trolling priest, Kotomine Kirei!" Kirei announced, continuing to wear his normal priest robes but also having a beer hat that had two tubes that ran from the beer cans to his mouth. "Welcome again!"

"How about we see how the competitors are doing?" Taiga asked Kirei, who simply smirked.

"Of course, we do have to see how this will play out, even though it's more or less a blatant rip-off of the first chapter to regain the 'magic'." Kirei agreed, motioning to the small crowd of Masters and Servants that were gathering on the track.

"Well…" Shirou began, a small, nervous smile forming on his face. "At least nobody will get hurt! Right Saber?" Shirou then blinked when he noticed that his Servant wasn't in front of him. Shirou turned to see Saber sitting in a corner, her knees brought to her chest as she hugged them while a small storm cloud formed over her head. "Saber?"

"Why…" Saber muttered darkly, the storm cloud now visibly raining on her. "Why must I be put through this torture again, God? Haven't I been humiliated enough? Why can't this be a nice, simple, noble fight between knights and warriors rather than a race between idiots and madmen?"

"I know how you feel…" Shinji muttered, now appearing beside her in the same position. "…Is it so hard to ask the universe not too make your life miserable?"

"Shinji-san?" Shirou asked, a confused expression settling on his face. "What are you doing here?"

"As a former Servant that is still in this world, I qualify as a contestant." Shinji explained, sulking even harder. "Plus, Taiga-chan thought that the Holy Grail might make a good piece of decoration…."

"KICK THEIR ASSES SHINJI-KUN!" Taiga shouted over the loudspeakers, waving at her boyfriend. "If you do, I'll make tonight extra special!"

"Last time she said that, we played 'Kinky Master and her Troublesome Servant'." Shinji explained, causing Shirou to recoil in horror at the mental picture. "And she 'forgot' to tell me the safe word…"

"A-Anyway Saber…" Shirou began, walking up to his Servant and patting her on the back, giving her the best smile he could muster. "You shouldn't worry! I know we can win this!"

Saber turned her head to look at her Master, whose face beamed in the sun. That face she had grown to adore. That innocence that she could…

"Uh, Saber…" Shirou began, looking worriedly at his Servant. Somehow, Saber's entire face became red and her eyes became dull, not to mention her labored breaths as she looked at him. "You're drooling again."

"T-Thank you Shirou…" Saber breathed out, wiping the drool coming out of her mouth.

"Shirou." A new voice spoke, making Shirou look behind him to see Maiya with a fairly large case slung over her shoulder. "This race will most likely become dangerous. When the situation calls for it…." She then flung the case to the ground, startling the three as she opened it, revealing an RPG-7 that she slung over her shoulder with little trouble. "Use this."

"N-Now there will be no need of that Maiya-san!" Shirou stuttered out, making Maiya blink in confusion. "I-I mean, nobody is supposed to be hurt in the race, right?"

"…" Maiya just stared at him in her usual blank expression, but her eyes conveyed the message of 'are you serious?'. This did nothing to dispel Shirou's worry, not that it was supposed to.

Like Saber, a few others were… less than pleased.

"What is wrong with this world!?" Avenger raged, shaking his fist into the sky. "Fictional characters replacing the Servants is one thing, but placing us all in a race of all things? What the hell?!"

"Don't worry my love…" Bazette began, kneeling in front of her portable shrine of the Hound of Ulster while tears were forming in her eyes. "Together, we'll win the Holy Grail War, and I'll make your wish come true! Not even a stupid race can change that!"

"Oh, don't tell me that you are actually going to go through with this, Bazette!" Avenger shouted as he wheeled around to his obsessed Master.

"No, I did not hear anything my beautiful Hound…" Bazette muttered as she stroked her hand lovingly on the picture of Cu Chulainn. "Do not worry, nothing can separate us…"

"…Bazette?" Avenger asked carefully, only to inch away as Bazette began to make out with the picture. "No seriously, what did I do to piss off Akasha so much?"

"Mou, this isn't fair!" Illyasviel shouted as she flailed her arms around. "You're supposed to kill them all in massacre-I mean fights! That way Onii-chan can be all mine!"

"What's the point?" Berserker asked, sulking as he stood up and a violinist appearing out of nowhere to play somber music behind him. "Races do nothing more than make people cheer for people to turn on one another. It destroys majestic machines for mere entertainment, so why should we even live in a world such as this? I…" Berserker did not finish, for Illyasviel whacked him upside the head with an annoyed expression on her face. His eyes glowed blue and his mouthpiece slid on. Berserker posed, and an explosion appeared behind him that threw the violinist away.

"I shall gladly compete in this race Madam Illyasviel! JUSTICE will accept nothing less than victory!"

Others were a bit more enthusiastic with the new arrangement.

"You better beat them Archer!" Rin declared as she pointed at Illyasviel and Berserker. "There will be no excuses for failure!"

"You do know that you're going with me, right?" Archer asked as he sipped on a complimentary milk bottle, smirking at his Master as she continued to rant.

"Of course! I have to strategize how we beat them while you implement them!" Rin declared as she began punching into the air. "We will use every dirty trick in the book to win! We will laugh as they cry on the floor in defeat! Especially with Edelfelt!"

"Hmph, as if you will be able to defeat me Tohsaka!" Luvia declared as she walked up to Rin, Lancer in her skimpy maid outfit following close behind her. "After all, your Servant is more of a simple house cat than a man!"

"HEY!" Archer shouted, frustration showing on his face. "I'm not a freaking…!" A seagull then flew overhead, making Archer's head snap towards it and shout, "Bird! Bird! Bird!"

"Ah, it is logical. Felines get distracted easily." Lancer said her usual emotionless tone before nodding at Luvia. "It was a very good joke Master."

"Indeed it was Lancer." Luvia replied in a smug tone as she placed her hand over her mouth. "I hope you are ready to, as the Americans put it, 'eat my dust' Tohsaka! Ohohoho!"

"Edelfelt! When we get on that track, I'll make sure that you are nothing but a bitch sitting on top of a pile of scr-" Rin then stopped, noticing everyone staring at her, before she smiled at Luvia and said, "Now, I do hope that we play fair Luvia! I mean, what are friends for?"

"That bitch…" Sakura growled as she stood away from the crowd, glaring hatefully at Luvia with her hands clenched into fists. "Does she really think that she can win this, and take Senpai away from me? Well, I'll show that bitch…"

"Sakura!" Tsubaki shouted in an amazed tone, snapping Sakura out of her dark thoughts.

Sakura looked at the Noble Phantasm with a worried expression before she stuttered out, "W-was I thinking out loud again?"

"You really need to learn how to control that Sakura…" Tsubaki admonished as she lightly patted the Matou on the shoulder.

"Hey, don't worry Sakura! I mean, there is no way a star like ME can lose this race!" Assassin shouted, grinning as he pointed at the track. "Whatever vehicle we get is awesome, because it can handle my brilliance! All the others are just pale imitations to its brightness! Gahahaha!"

"And I'm sure that we will not lose!" Caster declared, standing beside Souichirou with fire blazing in her eyes. "Fairy Tail's very reputation lies in our victory, and I shall not fail! We will crush our enemies, and our Guild shall triumph!"

"…" Souichirou said nothing, allowing Caster to continue her rant.

"I'm very certain that they will welcome you with open arms Master." Caster spoke while nodding her head, as if in agreement with herself. "Most likely, there will be a celebration once we return! With much alcohol and cake…" She then stopped before pumping her fist into the air. "FOR FAIRY TAIL!"

"Alright man, let's win this for bro!" Rider shouted as he high-fived Waver, who grinned back.

"Without a doubt! There is no way we can lose this one!" Waver replied as he took out a MANLY cigar and popped it into his mouth.

"I mean, JUST WHO THE HELL DO THEY THINK WE ARE!?" Rider shouted at the top of his lungs, his jacket waving EPICALLY in the wind as he grinned at his Master, the two high-fiving each other once again in agreement.

Hey, while Waver usually acted much calmer, put him in combat and his blood becomes as hot as a thousand suns!

"Okay, that's enough with the introductions!" Kirei declared over the loudspeaker, halting any further conversation between the competitors. "Like in the first chapter, the vehicles you'll all be driving will be decided by drawing lots!" Sola-Ui and Ayako then walked up front in matching blue miniskirts and tight shirts, looking extremely embarrassed as everyone cheered for their appearance (Except with Shinji and Waver respectively, who they did not mind seeing their bodies) while holding a box with a small hole on the top. Shirou nervously smiled as he walked up and drew his lot.

Wild Animal

"Wild animal?" Shirou asked in a confused voice before a cheerful melody filled the air. Shirou turned around to see Saber sitting on top of a small, mechanical lion who's head went up and down as the music played. The thing looked like it belonged outside of a mall or a carnival for small children. "Huh?"

"Shirou and Saber have picked 'Unit Lion'!" Taiga's voice shouted over the loudspeaker, as Saber's smile seemed to grow more and more with every minute she sat on the lion.

"Shirou~!" Saber sung happily in an overjoyed tone as she waved at the confused Master before the music stopped. She blinked in confusion before holding out her hand, saying, "Gimme 100 yen."

"It runs on money?" Shirou asked in amazement as he gazed at Saber's expecting hand. He then noticed Maiya trying to hand him the RPG once more before sighing and taking it, saying, "Somehow, I think that I might actually need this…"

"Alright Archer, once we get our vehicle, let's begin the plan!" Rin declared as she strutted up to the box and picked out her lot.

Servant's Financial Status

"Rin and Archer have picked 'Unit Dead-Broke'!" Taiga declared, while at the moment Rin gaped at the vehicle and Archer just sighed. The thing, in layman's terms, was a piece of crap. It was a dull grey Fiat that looked like it had seen better days. Its paint was peeling off, its wheels were rusted, it was covered in dents, and the lights were cracked! Not to mention the torn upholstery that was inside.

"W-W-What the hell!?" Rin shouted as she pointed to the thing. "How can you only afford something like that!? Didn't you say that you were a bounty hunter?" At that moment, the bumper of the car fell off, clanging against the ground.

"Um…" Archer began while scratching the back of his head. "The life of a Sweeper isn't a glamorous one?" That statement only made Rin launch into a new tirade of complaints, much to Archer's embarrassment.

"Hmph, I knew that a brute like Tohsaka would get such an unglamorous vehicle." Luvia chuckled out as she picked her piece of paper.

Master's Financial Status

"Luvia and Lancer have picked out 'Unit Rich-Bitch'!" Taiga declared as Luvia went to the very back of the vehicle while Lancer stepped into the driver's seat.

"Ohohoho! This is truly perfect!" Luvia laughed out as she poured herself a glass of Champaign. "I have one-upped Tohsaka, AND got a vehicle worthy of my standing! This truly is a glorious day!" With that, Luvia slipped into a daydream about Shirou (And Saber, for some inexplicable reason) being in the limo with her, and spending some private time with her as Lancer rolled up the sound-proof window…

"Okay, time to see what the big man is getting!" Assassin shouted with Tsubaki and Sakura following behind him. He dug his hand into the box before pulling out his lot.

Monster Truck

"Sakura, Assassin, and Tsubaki have gotten 'Unit Black*Star'!" Taiga declared, making Tsubaki and Sakura gape at the utterly massive blue monster truck that was in front of them while Assassin looked a bit frustrated about something.

"Hold on, it's missing something…" Assassin then took out a sharpie marker and jumped to the vehicle. In a flurry of motion, Assassin drew two giant versions of his 'autograph' on the sides before slapping a giant picture of his face on the hood. Appreciating his work, Assassin declared, "Alright! Now it's perfect for a star like me! Ghahahaha!"

Both Sakura and Tsubaki shared a sigh of embarrassment towards Assassins actions.

"Very well, I suppose it is our turn." Caster spoke before walking over to the box and picking out her lot.

Bicycle

"Souichirou and Caster have chosen 'Unit Titania'!" Taiga shouted as a red, two-seated bicycle rolled up in front of Caster and her Master. With fire burning in her eyes, Caster hopped on while Souichirou calmly got onto his seat.

"Even with this vehicle, the fire of our Guild shall ensure our victory!" Caster declared, making everyone inch back at the dangerous aura she was emitting.

What? Caster was scary!

"It is time to get our vehicle, Cu Chulainn!" Bazette sung out as she skipped to the box, clutching in her left arm the hug-pillow with the picture of the Hound of Ulster stamped on it while Avenger attempted to nurse a migrane.

"It's just a hug-pillow, Bazette! Cu Chulainn is not here!" Avenger shouted in frustration, only for Bazette to continue with fishing out her slip of paper, apparently not even hearing him.

Food Cart

"Bazette and Avenger have chosen 'Unit Cu Chulainn'!" Taiga shouted as Bazette happily sat on top of the small, wooden sales cart with four wheels on the bottom, hugging her pillow even harder while Avenger just stared blankly at it.

"As long as you pilot it, anything is a work of beauty my love!" Bazette declared as she placed the pillow in front of her, which drooped slightly as she squeezed it.

"…Maybe I should just kill myself and go to the next timeline…" Avenger contemplated to himself, ignoring Shinji passing by him.

Sola-Ui smiled happily at this and said, "Shinji, you can take as long as you want. However…" She then fished out a piece of paper and placed it between her breasts, giving a sultry grin towards him. "…You can be as rough as you want…"

"YOU BITCH!" Taiga shouted as she attempted to get out of her stage, only for Kirei to hold her back. "When I get down there, I will…!"

"Quiet! Allow the sexy cougar to continue!" Kirei shouted as he continued to hold back the utterly furious woman. Shinji meanwhile, gulped and closed his eyes before snatching the note away, not even touching the mounds of flesh, making Sola-Ui huff in frustration.

Owned Vehicle

"Shinji has chosen 'Unit Mustn't-Run-Away'." Taiga muttered angrily as Shinji got into his blue Prius.

"GAY!" Most of the male population in the stands shouted, making Shinji's face become red with anger.

"It's fuel efficient!" Shinji shouted back before sighing in frustration. Why does everyone he meets always make fun of his car just because it was a blue prius?

"Alright! It's our turn now!" Rider shouted as Waver walked behind him. When they reached the two 'showgirls', Ayako blushed as her eyes met Waver's. Waver reached into the box and pulled out his lot.

Sports Car

"Waver and Rider have chosen 'Unit Lagann!" Taiga declared as Waver and Rider looked at their vehicle. It was a Ferrari colored hot-rod red, but it also had the miniaturized version of Lagann's head as a hood ornament.

"Alright! Now this is what I'm talking about!" Rider cheered as he got into the sports car while Waver sighed in relief.

"Well, at least it's not a Viking ship…" Waver muttered as he got in through the passenger's seat.

"Yay! It's our turn!" Illyasviel cheered as Berserker gave her a piggyback ride to the box. She then picked one of the pieces of paper up and looked over what was written.

Pet

"Illya and Berserker have picked 'Unit Friender'!" Taiga shouted, making Illyasviel blink as she saw a mechanical dog walk in front of her and Berserker.

"IT'S SO CUTE!" Illyasviel gushed as she jumped off Berserker and began hugging Friender. Berserker gave Friender a thumb's up.

"Friender, my faithful robotic canine friend! It is good to see you fight in the name of JUSTICE alongside me and Madam Irisviel!"

However, like Berserker, Friender's thoughts were inaudible. And he only had one opinion about his partner's current attitude.

"…Have you been smoking robotic weed or something?"

"But how am I supposed to ride you?" Illyasviel asked in a curious tone as she looked at Friender. Suddenly, Friender's form seemed to grow and shift into what appeared to be a sports car with twin guns on its side.

"Yay!" Illyasviel cheered while Berserker nodded in appreciation.

"Good job, old chum! Truly, you are an amazing ally of JUSTICE!"

The car revved up as Illyasviel and Berserker stepped inside. Which translated too…

"Okay seriously, what the fuck happened to you? When did you stop being emo?"

"Everyone, please get into your positions at the starting line!" Taiga's voice rang out, making everyone drive their vehicles into their positions on the racetrack. "So, what do you expect from this Kotomine?"

"Meh, nothing much really. Just another wacky race with a bunch of accidents happening. Though I do expect numerous people to die for TIM and the readers' amusement." Kirei said with a shrug. "In short, nothing too different from Carnival Phantasm and the first chapter."

"Now get ready…" Taiga began, the electronic bell ringing three times before the green light lit up. "GO!"

Almost all the cars then left the finish line, speeding down the racetrack with Rider and Waver's Ferrari leading the pack. "Oh my! Unit Lagann is in the lead with Unit Titania and Unit Lion following right behind them! But wait, it looks like unit Cu Chulainn is having some trouble!"

'Trouble' was an understatement. The cart was past the finish line, but only because Avenger was pushing it with all the strength being a Servant granted him while Bazette continued to sit on top, hugging the pillow. Unfortunately, it was not enough because the other vehicles were quickly disappearing into the distance.

"Do not worry my love! Your glory will propel us to the others soon enough!" Bazette spoke to the hug pillow while a tick formed on Avenger's head.

"I'M THE ONE WHO'S PUSHING!" Avenger shouted at the top of his lungs, only to droop his head when Bazette ignored him once again.

Now then, back to the other racers…

Caster's legs were a blur as she peddled her bike next to Unit Lion, fire continuing to burn within her eyes. Meanwhile behind her, Souichirou seemed to be matching her pace, not even breaking a sweat or breathing deeply. He just continued to possess his normal expression. "Do not think that you will win this Saber! I was not declared the Queen of Fairies for simply doing nothing!"

"I will not allow you to overturn us, Caster!" Saber shouted as she pushed Unit Lion to the side, hitting the bike and knocking it away by several feet.

"Saber! Don't do that!" Shirou shouted at his Servant as he tried to hold the RPG-7 in his hands. "This thing is very sensitive, and one small mistake can…!"

"If you wish to turn this into a battle of strength, then so be it!" Caster then rammed into Unit Lion, punching the mechanical ride and knocking it backwards, spinning from the force of the blow.

"WWAAAHHH!" Saber and Shirou cried out as they spun, the RPG-7 suddenly launching the explosive towards Caster and Souichirou. It missed, but it did not miss the road ahead.

"Huh?" Caster questioned as the ground before her exploded, catching the bike by the front tire. The velocity plus the sudden interruption instantly launched the bike and the two people riding it into the air, spinning off of the race track and towards the stands.

Souichirou did not react as they flew, and simply righted his glasses before he and his Servant crashed into the bleachers.

Meanwhile, one Kayneth Archibald looked up to see an airborne bike heading straight towards him. "W-wait! You cannot be seriou-!" The bike landed, front tire first, onto Kayneth. The front tire instantly tore through his body and removed his spine instantly.

"Kayneth just died!" Taiga declared over the loudspeakers, making all the people in the stands scream in horror.

"Who the fuck cares?" Kirei replied, making those same exact people sigh in relief, shrug, and then sit back down like nothing happened.

"You're right! Anyway, it seems like Unit Titania is out of the game! Unit Dead-Broke is catching up with Unit Rich-Bitch! One of them might just grab second place" Taiga spoke before the 'camera' swerved over to see Rin and Archer's vehicle going neck to neck with Luvia's. "Unit Lagann is still in the lead, and Unit Lion has fallen way behind! After Unit Dead Broke and Rich-Bich is Unit Black*Star, Unit Friender, Unit Lion, Unit Musn't-Run-Away- and finally Unit Cu Chulainn!"

"Hmph, it took you some time Tohsaka, but you finally caught up!" Luvia declared as her window rolled down, revealing Luvia reclining comfortably as she watched the movie Skyfall. "What ever happened to your supposed superiority? Or is that rickedy old lump of trash a mirror of your own worth?"

"WHAT!?" Rin shouted as she snapped her head towards Luvia, Archer taking the wheel as they drove past a cliff. "Who the hell do you think you are, you bitch!? Archer! It's time for Operation Kill-Edelfelt!"

"That isn't even a clever title you know!" Archer declared as he used his right hand to take out his gun and fire at the Limo, only for the bullets to bounce off a multi-colored hexagonal shield. "What the…?"

The driver seat's window rolled down, revealing Lancer looking bored of practically everything. "That will not work on me." Lancer quietly said before sticking her Lance of Longinus out the window. "I will now counter-attack."

"Huh, what do you…?" Rin began, only for Lancer to stab the Lance through the car's front tire. After that, the entire front of the car fell apart, and the remaining whole of it screeched against the ground.

"GAAAHHH!" Rin and Archer screamed as they spun out of control into the forest outside of the track, where they stopped.

"Ohohoho! Wonderful! Truly wonderful!" Luvia laughed out as Lancer pulled back her spear into the limo. "Now, nothing can defeat us from obtaining the Grail!"

"YAHHOOOO!" Assassin yelled as the monster truck began to gain momentum behind the limo. "Now this really is a race, because the main star has arrived!"

"S-slow down Black*Star!" Tsubaki shouted as she and Sakura hugged in fright in the passenger seat. "Y-you might make us go off-road!"

"Off road? Come on Tsubaki, you know that I'm so big of a guy that the road will move to keep me on it!" Assasssin laughed out as he began driving closer and closer to the limo, with the massive right tire almost touching the bumper of it.

"Matou…" Luvia growled out as she poked her head out of the window. "Do not dare think that you will win! Shirou will be mine!"

"WHAT!?" Sakura shouted as she pushed off Tsubaki and pressed her head against the windshield to look at Luvia.

"Yes, by winning this ridiculous race, I will get Shirou!" Luvia explained with a haughty smile on her face. "Once I acquire the Holy Grail, I will marry Shirou and give it to him as my wedding present! Afterwards, we shall consummate our marriage together with Saber!" Luvia then stopped, her face shifting into one of horror before she shouted, "I-Ignore the last part! But either way, Shirou will be mine!"

"…" Sakura said nothing, but her eye began to twitch and her face turned red with anger.

"Sakura?" Tsubaki asked quietly as a dangerous aura began rolling off her friend in waves, not that Assassin noticed.

It is said that on that day, Sakura's mind snapped in three different ways.

"You…" Sakura began, her whole body shaking with complete and utter rage. Her eyes then snapped open, fire blazing within them and an Oni mask seemingly appearing out of nowhere behind her. "BITCH!" She then grabbed Assassin, and threw him to Tsubaki before getting into the driver's seat. "You think that you can try to take Senpai from me, you whore!? I'll kill you!" She then slammed her foot on the gas pedal, making the monster truck go even faster.

"A-Are you crazy!?" Luvia shouted as she ran to the front part of the limo, the monster truck's tire crushing the back.

"Performing emergency measures, Master." Lancer spoke in her usual monotone voice before pressing a button. Suddenly, the limo separated into two, right in front of where Luvia was standing on, and swerved the remaining parts of the vehicle to the side of the road while the monster truck continued onwards.

"Sakura, look out!" Tsubaki cried out as she pointed to a cliff wall in front of them.

"Huh?" Sakura muttered, seeming to snap out of a daze before noticing the cliff. "GAAAAHHH!"

"No way is a star like me dying like this!" Assassin declared before grabbing both Sakura and Tsubaki. He then jumped out of the window and onto the side of the road before passing out with the two females in his arms. Meanwhile, the truck crashed into the wall in and exploding in a ball of fire.

"Amazing! In only a few minutes Unit Dead-Broke, Rich-Bitch, and Black*Star are out of the race!" Taiga shouted in amazement. "Now it's Unit Lagann in the lead followed by Unit Friender, Unit Lion, Unit Mustn't-Run-Away, and Unit Cu Chulainn!"

"Wow, there is definitely a lot more explosions and destruction in this race rather than the last one." Kirei noted from his microphone. "Perhaps TIM wishes to make things different this time?"

"SAKURA!" Shirou shouted before bowing his head. "Why, why does all this insanity have to happen?"

"Such is the Holy Grail War Shirou…" Saber muttered solemnly in response before noticing their speed was going down. "Gimmie 100 yen please."

"Huh, that's strange…" Waver muttered as he lit his cigar in the car while Rider continued to drive it, Red Hot Chili Peppers blaring on the stereo.

"What?" Rider asked as Waver turned his head to him. "Usually, someone would have attacked us by now, or something crazy would have happened." Waver began, making Rider raise an eyebrow. "But nothing so far! Maybe everything's going to turn out ok-GAH!" The entire car then lurched, followed by two distinct 'popping' sounds before it began to slow down. "What the…?"

"To be fair, you were asking for it. Don't tempt fate like that." Rider sighed before turning his head to see which of the other racers had attacked them.

"Alright Friender!" Illyasviel cried out in triumph as the two guns stopped firing. She watched the back tires of Unit Lagann go into pieces before skidding on the ground in a shower of sparks while Unit Friender passed Unit Lagann. "We're going to win!"

"Good job old chum! Now it's time to win this race! Onwards, loyal canine of JUSTICE!" Berserker's inaudible thoughts declared as he silently pointed onwards.

"Okay seriously man, I'm worried about you…"

"Those bastards think we're going to give up just because our tires are shot?" Rider growled out as he took out his core drill and twisted it into the air. "Lagann, combine!"

The small mecha then appeared overhead the sports car, its bottom part transforming into a drill before smashing into the hood. In a flash of light, the car began to change into a robot. Complete with arms, legs, two drill-like objects next to its fists, and Lagann acting as the head while Waver and Rider watched from its chest/windshield.

"WHAT THE HELL!?" Thought the remaining competitors as the new Unit Lagann pointed at Unit Friender.

"Team Dai-Gurren, transform and roll out!" Lagann spoke, sounding suspiciously like the leader of another group of transforming robots before running towards Unit Friender.

"Hey! No fair! They can transform into a robot!" Illyasviel whined as her arms flailed and she hit her feet on the seat. "Cheaters! Cheating cheaters!"

Suddenly, Friender transformed as well into a robot that matched Unit Lagann in size, but was much slimmer in comparison and held what looked like a bone-shaped sword.

"You wanna go big guy?" Unit Friender asked in a voice that sounded like the evil leader of an evil group of robots while facing towards the advancing Unit Lagann. "Then let's go!"

"GAAAAHHH!" All the people in the respective groups shouted before getting into a robot fight too EPIC for words while the other cars passed by them.

Avenger panted and wheezed as he continued to push the cart, sweat dripping off his face like a fountain. "S-seriously considering just killing myself to getting it over with…"

"You truly are amazing Cu Chulainn!" Bazette spoke in awe as she brought the hug pillow closer to her. "You were able to destroy all of them with your magnificence!"

"THAT PILLOW DIDN'T DO JACK SHIT!" Avenger shouted as he stopped pushing. "YOU KNOW WHAT?! FUCK THIS! I'M GOIN-!"

DE-DOO-DOO-DOO-DE-DOO-DE-DOO!

"What the…?" Avenger did not get to finish his statement, for something hard and metallic hit him before hitting his 'vehicle', making them fly into the air.

"NO! MY LOVE!" Bazette shouted as she spun into the air, the pillow moving away from her.

"WHAT THE FU-!?" Avenger shouted before he disappeared into the distance, a flash of light marking his passing.

"YEEEHHAAAWWW!" Wade shouted as he rode THE General Lee down the racetrack, heading for Unit Mustn't-Run-Away.

"What? A new challenger?" Taiga asked in shock over the loudspeaker. "Apparently, Wade Wilson has joined the Grand Prix and is currently riding 'Unit Poolmobile'!"

"As expected. Most of the fans were probably waiting for him to appear." Kirei mentioned, idly flipping through issue of Playboy and not even paying attention to the race.

"Okay, check your speed… make sure you're on the correct gear…" Shinji muttered to himself as he carefully rode his Prius down the road.

Hey! Any self-respecting man with a license would follow the rules of the road!

"Oh my god! A blue Prius!" Wade shouted as he drove his General Lee next to Shinji's vehicle. "You know, you're not helping all your fans who want to think you're straight! I guess you really are gay for Kaworu!"

"It's fuel efficient!" Shinji argued, only for Wade to visibly snort.

"It's a blue Prius!" Came Wade's counter-argument. "Seriously, that has to be the gayest vehicle ever invented by man!"

"STOP CALLING ME GAY BECAUSE I WANT TO SAVE THE ENVIRONMENT!" Shinji shouted before he tried to ram Unit Mustn't-Run-Away into Wade's General Lee, only for Wade to speed up and the last second and make Shinji drive off the road…

…and hit a tree, knocking him out as the airbag deployed.

"It's totally gay!" Wade called out as he drove away, ignoring the sound of Shinji muttering 'It's fuel efficient…' before fading into unconsciousness.

"SHINJI-KUN!" Taiga cried out in horror while Kirei just shrugged.

"Well, looks like Shinji's out of the race. Now it's down to Unit Poolmobile and Unit Lion." Kirei announced as the two vehicles moved side to side. "And the finish line is coming up soon! Who will TIM allow to win?"

"ASSASSIN!" Saber shouted in anger as Wade drove neck to neck with her vehicle. "How dare you show your face here!?"

"It's Wade, remember? To prevent any confusion with the readers?" Wade asked with a grin. "And I'm here because the fans love me! Plus, a Gilgamesh needed to crash the party and I fit the bill perfectly!"

"You will not win you coward!" Saber shouted before turning her head to Shirou. "Shirou! Insert more coins! We need to go faster if we hope to finish!"

"That's what she said!" Wade commented before flooring the gas pedal. "Try and keep up Artie!"

"Don't worry, Saber! I got this!" Shirou declared, reloading his RPG with the spare missile Maiya had given him. Looks like she had been right about using it. He aimed it at the Poolmobile. "I just need to- GAH?!"

"Sorry, hero-boy!" Wade laughed as he shot the RPG out of Shirou's hands with his glock while he continued to drive with his free hand. Shirou clutched his bleeding hand and glared at Wade who smiled beatifically in response. "You just got Glock-blocked!"

"GAAAAHHH!" Saber screamed in anger as the two vehicles got closer and closer to the finish line. As they got only a few feet away from it, Wade did something unexpected.

"Well Michael…" Wade then flipped the coin container, revealing a big red button. "Time to use the turbo boost!" He then pressed it, making flames come out of the exhaust before the car went even faster, passing the finish line in one second.

"Amazing! Wade has won the Seihai Grand Prix!" Taiga shouted before continuing to sulk. "Shinji-kun…"

"This isn't fair!" Saber shouted as she cried on Shirou's chest. "How can I lose twice to fools?" She then continued to sob, but now even harder than before while Shirou slowly patted her on the back.

"Alright! I would like to thank the academy for this award, my parents (who I don't really know), Bob, Weasel, my heterosexual life partner Cable, my good buddy Kirei, my other buddies in the X-Force, my number one girl Death, and my…" Wade began before a glorious light shined down everywhere. The Holy Grail then appeared, looking like a racing trophy of all things.

"What is your wish?" The Grail asked in a majestic voice, making Wade grin.

"All the chimichangas I can eat!" Wade declared, making practically everyone in the vicinity face-fault.

If the Grail could blink, it would have. "What? Really? Anything in the world and you… Whatever. Fine." In a flash of light, the Grail disappeared and in its place was exactly 372,844 chimichangas, making Wade grin before diving into the pile.

"I just love a happy ending!" Wade shouted as he took a bite of one glorified fried burrito, ignoring Unit Lagann and Unit Friender continuing their robot battle behind him.

Gotta appreciate the little things…

To Be Continued…

Omake- Seihai-Kun!

"WWAAAAHHH!" Shinji yelled as he ran into Seihai-kun's room and cried at its feet. "SEIHAI-KUN!"

"What's wrong Ikari-kun?" Seihai-kun asked as its purple-colored corrupted contents poured out of its 'mouth'.

"Avenger was so mean to me in the latest chapter of Stay Away!" Shinji cried out while waving his arms around. "He reminded me of all the bad stuff I did in my life, and its ruining everything! Why can't I just live in peace? I want to go back to the way things were!" Shinji then sobbed into his hands as Seihai-kun looked on.

"Mou, you're so pathetic Ikari-kun…" Seihai-kun chided before dropping a kitchen knife onto the floor.

Bad Memory Eraser Kit!

"….huh?" Shinji asked in confusion as Seihai-kun leaned down towards him.

"Just go and teach him whose boss." Seihai-kun whispered to Shinji, who just continued to look at the knife in shock and horror.

End Omake.

Omake: A Different Wish (Courtesy of Kiiam)

"What is your wish?" The Grail asked in a majestic voice, making Wade grin.

"All the chim- Wait." Wade paused as a crazy idea suddenly formed in his psychotic mind. "I could… not forever, but… I wonder…"

"Well? Your wish? I haven't got all day." The Grail asked again, sounding very impatient.

"Alright, I got it." Wade grinned. "I wanna replace Shirou as the protagonist for a while!"

"Wait, what?!" Shirou stopped consoling a depressed Saber to turn and stare at the mercenary with wide eyes.

"Wait, what?!" Saber stopped crying and stared at her archenemy in horror.

"Wait, what?!" All the other Masters, Servants, and audience members gasped as Wade announced his wish. Only one person was smiling.

"Well… this should be interesting." Kirei chuckled to himself.

"Hm… Fine." The Grail responded as holy light started to emit from it.

As Wade spread his arms out as he was basked in an otherworldly glow and people (mostly the heroines of the Fate/Stay Night universe) began to panic, the world 'hiccuped' as Wade's wish was fulfilled.

X.X.X.X.X

"…Of course, writing about everything he went through would take way too much time." Kirei said as he and Wade sat a couch watching Golden Girls, relaxing after Wade's brief time as the protagonist had passed. "So why don't you describe it for the readers' benefit?"

"You know, I thought being the protagonist of a visual novel would be fun, but it's not as great as it seems." Wade lamented as he munched on a chimichanga. "Seriously. I forgot the game had like forty bad ends."

"I didn't." Kirei smirked.

"Didn't feel like reminding me?"

"Nope. Ain't I a stinker?" Kirei chuckled. "So you didn't even complete a route?"

"Nope. Kept on dying because I didn't pick the 'right' choices. But really, even I'm not crazy enough to jump in front of Berserker to try and save one flat-chested, gender-bent version of a king." Wade complained. "Hercules is like a gray skinned version of Hulk."

"It really is a game that is designed for Shirou, not the player. Try and act out of character, and only tiger stamps await." Kirei said sagely. "So the experience was entirely unsatisfying for you?"

"It had its moments. It's not like dying over and over is anything new for me, but being the protagonist of a visual novel is really hard." Wade sighed as he leaned back on the couch. "Overall, I'd say my experiences were something similar to Avenger's in Fate Hollow/Ataraxia…" Wade paused, watching as Kirei began to drink from his jug of mountain dew before continuing. "...Only I didn't get to bang your daughter near the end."

Kirei choked on his soda and some of it came out of his nose. The man coughed a few times before glaring at his companion.

"…You were waiting for the dew, weren't you?"

"Yep. Ain't I a stinker?" Wade grinned. He swallowed the last of his chimichanga and gave his empty hands a mournful look. "I should've gone with my first wish…"

"Don't feel so bad. In fact, I think I know of a way to cheer you up." Kirei said as he stood up.

"Really? What's that?" Wade asked curiously.

"This."

Kirei whirled around and swiftly decapitated Wade with the Black Key he had drawn from out from his robes, crushing the merc's skull under his boot when his head landed on the floor. He continued to stamp on the remains so Wade couldn't immediately regenerate.

X.X.X.X.X

"Ow! That was totally uncalled for." Wade pouted to himself as he sat up. "So what, does this earn me a secret tiger stamp or something?"

"Not quite."

Wade gasped and turned to see Death standing before him within the darkness. The skull that was her face seemed to smirk at him and drew the Wade close.

"Given how quickly the priest is tearing your body apart and taking into account how fast you can regenerate, you should be here for about five minutes at least." Death leaned in close and whispered to the merc. "So tell me, Wade… can you make those five minutes count?"

Wade grinned and pounced on the cosmic entity.

"Hell yes! Now this is a Dead End I can get behind!"

In the world of the living, Kirei smirked as he hack away at Wade's body with his swords.

"That's what she said." Kirei chuckled before he shook his head. "Only in fanfiction…"

End Omake

Note- Yo! TIM here with another chapter of the Carnival, hot off the presses and betaed by none other that Kiiam, the author of Want and Need! He's helped me a lot with this little part of the carnival, especially with the Omake. Thanks dude!

Another thing that helped motivate me to complete this is the new Carnival Phantasm, the HibiChika Special! If you want to see the 'date the main heroine' route of Shiki and Shirou's 'genius' plan, go check it out immedietly!

Now then, remember to check my profile for my challenges and challenge takers. If you are interested in a challenge, PM me for me to know.

Also, remember to check out Fate:Zero Sense's TV Tropes page and add on whatever you deem appropriate to be on it.

And review! Reviews fuel my muse, so the more reviews the better.

See you, Space Cowboys!