A/N: I don't know if I mentioned this before but the bold parts of the text are from Christina Aguilera's song "Birds of Prey" :)


Chapter 5

7th of November 2012.

Sebastian is still confused.

He went with Blaine to Dr. Motta, but he isn't sure about the reason why Blaine needs to see a doctor. His flatmate made sure Sebastian didn't walk in and just waited for him outside. It's not like Sebastian hasn't noticed how insistent he was about that.

There's some Kurt. He is real, Sebastian is sure about it. He was happy with him, they had a relationship that was intimate enough for them to get to sex – not to mention how interesting it was that they fucked in Blaine's room, in his bed – but his visions are still mostly blurred, so he didn't manage to put all the pieces together long enough to figure something more out. He's still too far from the truth and he doesn't want to stand too far from the light. Or the darkness, it's almost the same to him.

"You seem thoughtful …" Blaine interrupts his thoughts, leaning his spoon in the empty plate before him. "What's going on?" He asks and Sebastian rolls his eyes because, seriously, anyone who has thought Blaine was the right person to lie just because he's Sebastian's best friend, clearly screwed this off. He doesn't even look spontaneously interested. It's too evident that this question is forced.

"Everything and nothing at all." He answers then, gazing between him and the TV, but he's not really paying attention to the news. He just hopes it's a good distraction for Blaine. He loves Blaine, he's his best friend, but Sebastian hates it that he hides stuff to him, thinking he is stupid and won't figure it out. "When will I go back to college? You know, there's a degree waiting for me and I hate making it wait for something I don't even understand." He asks sharply and Blaine just nods.

"Soon." He answers and he seems a little more sincere. "Have some patience, Sebastian. It's a slow process and you have to bear just a little more of this stress, but you're heading in the right direction." He says as Sebastian rolls his eyes again. "I'm going out to buy a few things, are you coming?" Blaine asks, cleaning his lips with a napkin. "It would be cute of you to come out with me instead of making me go out alone, you know."

"Hmmm …" Sebastian thinks – clearly his mind is already thinking about taking advantage of the situation. "I guess I'll just stay here. I'm tired and I need some sleep. And I can't see how this is possible, since I've spent three days doing just that, not to mention the coma."

"I think that's the reason why." Blaine comments. "I really don't think come is like sleeping. You need to go back to the ordinary functions of your body and, if you're wondering about it, I don't mean sex by it."

Sebastian laughs at that.

"And here I thought it was about time for you to imply we should have sex." He stares back at the TV as he presses the glass to his lips.

"Never." Blaine answers. "That's the perfect way to destroy our friendship, because you treat every single guy you fuck like shit."

That's not true. Sebastian's brain thinks automatically. Kurt was happy with me.

A stab hits his head at the thought.

"Yeah, I guess so …" He says, looking around for a moment and crap, the dark walls of this apartment scare the shit out of him. "I guess I'll take a nap. I'm sorry, I swear I'm going to come fucking shopping with you next time, but can I just rest a little for now? You aren't complaining because you're a childish gnome, are you?"

Blaine rolls his eyes but he giggles.

"No, don't worry about it." He says, starting to put his empty plate away. "Just go to bed and get some sleep because I'll have no mercy next time. As much as you hate going to the supermarket, it's a flatmates duty."

"Of course, mom." Sebastian jokes, staring while Blaine picks up his things, and he tries not to smirk smugly. "Be careful. I wouldn't want for someone to think you're a garden gnome. If they bought you and took you home, I'd be alone, I wouldn't go to the market, and I would die from hunger."

Blaine smiles and shakes his head.

"Get some sleep, Sebastian." It's the last thing he says before he sneaks out of their apartment, closing the door behind his back.

As soon as Blaine is gone, Sebastian stands up. He has finished eating but he can't waste anything; Blaine isn't home now and he knows he is going to find something in this apartment.

He moves fast towards Blaine's room, without even considering searching in his own; if Blaine doesn't want him to find out anything, he would never leave something in Sebastian's room, but maybe he thought Sebastian wouldn't go searching into his.

Just like the last time, as soon as he steps into the room, he feels a harsh stab to his head, made harder from the thought of Kurt being happy with him. He looks around and stares once more at the point in which there's the side of the bed hitting the wall, as he tries to pick up the pieces, just like he tried to do last time before Blaine interrupted him.

He has understood the cause for the stab: Kurt and him, sex, Blaine's room.

He's already too sure about it to allow Blaine to try and change his mind. But yet, it's just a bubble in the ocean: even if this Kurt – attractive, delicate, happy Kurt – exists and they had sex in Blaine's room, what's more about that? This isn't a great explanation, it's a great fuck, but it doesn't explain that much, either about their relationship or just the boy's happiness. The little scene his mind put up including Lamborghini made him thought that it wasn't just a one night stand.

He walks around the room, as his mind stumbles between imagination, memories and reality, and he's not quite sure he can distinguish too well, in fact … he doesn't even know what's in the past and what is just allusive and metaphorical.

He walks towards the drawers of Blaine's desk, starting to search inside and being careful not to break anything so that he can put it right back where it was.

That's not a great start.

He doesn't have much time. Blaine will be back in less than an hour probably, since they're used to buy food quite often, so small doses – why the hell does he remember about things he doesn't need now and he can't just remember about Kurt? - so he has to hurry.

He winces and looks around again, and his attention is immediately caught by a box on the floor, almost hidden in the corner of the room. He moves fast, something inside him telling him that the box might be a lot more useful than the rest of the stuff Blaine has in his room. Besides, Sebastian is quite sensitive in an awkward way.

He presses his knees on the floor and he starts searching into the box. There are things which belonged to him, so it's clearly a fine start. There are even some toys from his childhood which is weird and makes him a little uncomfortable.

Awesome, he thinks to himself, Lamborghini, toys, what's next? My clothes?

He grits his teeth and his fingertips throb when he brushes over the cover of a small little notebook covered in plastic. He puts his hand completely in to grab it and pull it out.

The cover is completely red, one of those plastic folds one uses for documents and license. He opens it and stares at a list of names, all marked with an X, wondering what it means exactly; the stab in his head makes him understand that they're familiar though. Then he starts reading them carefully, his brain getting stabbed at every name as he pronounces them into his mind, the voice of these people sounding in his ear somehow.

Chandler Kiehl X

Sam Evans X

David Karofsky X

Michael Chang Jr. X

Ryder Lynn X

Noah Puckerman X

Kurt Hummel

Shit.

The last stab is almost unbearable. He has to put a hand on his forehead and then press it against his temples while his heartbeats get faster and faster. That's him. It's Kurt, there's no doubt about it. Also, he has no idea what the fact that his name isn't marked is supposed to mean. It's probably some hook-up predator thing.

No, it can't be that.

With all that he has realized in the last days: Kurt – now fully named Kurt Hummel – was happy with him. So, is it supposed to mean that Sebastian was happy with him too? And mostly, how can Sebastian Smythe be happy with a guy he hasn't even fucked yet, maybe? (Also, he is pretty sure that the sex memories weren't all fantasies).

Maybe that's not it. Sex is not what the X stands for.

He stands up from the pavement, getting closer to Blaine's desk to grab a sheet from the printer. He starts copying down the names, all of them, ignoring how harsh his mind gets hit by it as he does, little flashbacks about the exact moments when he had written them for the first time on that small notebook.

He makes sure he's copied them all down and he puts the notes back where they were, to push the box against the wall right where it had been until now.

He needs his iPhone. He can't search on his laptop because if he forgets about deleting the chronology – not that it's actually possible, indeed a bird of prey would never leave his traces – Blaine would have found out and he knows Blaine would force him to take some steps back.

He puts the piece of paper with the names in his pocket, walking out of the room. He sits back at the table, holding the phone in his hands once more. If he were patient enough to do so, he would check all the names on the list, but when he opens the Facebook app, he finds himself wincing at the request of his e-mail and password. It's something he should know but he can't remember. It's just blushed in his head.

It takes him a full five minutes brushing at his temples before he can type something.

E-mail: thebirdofprey

Password: mylittlebird

The password stabs his head harder, so much that he's forced to frown with pain. At least though, he's logging in. He ignores with no second thought all the notifications and friendship requests, even the other names on the list, and he just types a name to search for it.

Kurt Hummel.

The loading is slow and right when a photo is starting to appear on his screen, he hears the keys in the lock of the apartment. He puts the phone back in his pocket, without even thinking about deleting the chronology. Of course, if Blaine finds the phone, that would be a proof of what he'd been doing. But again, Sebastian is quite sure that his mind is playing tricks on him, so he doesn't want to risk losing the piece of paper and forgetting the names. If that happens though, he is going to just look at the page he's loaded on his phone.

"I'm home!" Blaine shrieks and Sebastian immediately wears a smile as he turns to him.

"You were fast." He tries not to make it sound like You shouldn't have been. It must work though. At least the pills are ruining his acting skills.

"Well, I just took some food and something at the pharmacy." He murmurs, walking to the counter and putting the bags there.

"Pharmacy?" Sebastian asks curiously. "I really hope you're not having issues there. Ew."

Blaine laughs and he starts rummaging in the bag until he pulls out a small package of meds. He hands it to Sebastian, who looks confusedly between Blaine's hand and his face, a wondering expression over his features that silently asks for what he isn't asking out loud.

"This is for you." Sebastian takes the white confection.

"What am I supposed to do with this?" He asks unsure.

"It's pills and-"

"You mean more pills?" Sebastian asks, his eyes going wide open. Blaine swallows in a moment, totally too honest for this game. "Do I … do I need to take them with the other ones?" He asks and Blaine nods, making him sigh heavily. "Okay. Just give me a bottle of water and this shit so I can go and lay down on my bed."

Blaine hands him the bottle from the bag he has put on the counter and Sebastian stands up, moving carefully so that his phone won't fall from the pocket, because seriously, he would screw himself like that and he won't allow Blaine to make some progress while Sebastian is making progress himself.

So instead, he walks to his room, passing by the shelves in the hallway where Blaine keeps the rest of the pills, the ones he already takes. He closes the door behind him, slamming it and then lying slowly on the bed, his back leant of the headboard, almost sitting with the little confections of pills on his torso and a small bottle of water beside him, on the mattress.

He's got some experiments to do.

He pulls out the phone, staring at the door to make sure Blaine didn't consider following him or something, but he doesn't hear any steps while he was walking there, and the birds of prey watch carefully, so …

The Facebook profile he opened is completely opened by now and when he lets his thumb slide to unlock the screen he realizes he didn't even close the app. His jaw almost drops – which is something Sebastian isn't used to – when he sees the profile picture. He zooms in immediately.

That boy, that is the boy he sees in his head, the one whose voice he hears and not only he's extremely attractive but also terribly real. In the photo, he's held tightly by a friend with a huge nose and dark hair. His heart skips a beat when he realizes he's staring at the person he was looking for.

Kurt Hummel.

His stomach clenches and he leans to take the first pill, the new one. He pulls one out, noticing that these ones are blue instead.

Taking the blue pill only made you cry.

He puts it into his mouth quickly, opening the bottle and swallowing down. He explores the reaction. His stomach clenches again, harder, so he takes the little white box in his fingers to study it. Except for a few scientific terms Sebastian can't understand, there's not much information written on it; which is awkward for meds, especially if Blaine went to the pharmacy to buy it.

He stares at Kurt's photo again – he seems so, so realer in his head now, then he blinks and it's happening.

/

"I like going out with you." Kurt squeezes his hand a little, while they walk through Central Park, the warm light of the sun heating them up shyly. The red shadow on Kurt's cheeks is up as he whispers the words. "I didn't think you were my kind of guy," he tightens his fingers around Sebastian's, smiling, "maybe you're still not my kind of guy, but I like it when we spend some time together."

A strange sensation runs through his body.

It's some sort of confused happiness. It's some sort of joy that he doesn't know if he wants to feel, but that he doesn't manage to keep.

"I've told you that you could trust me. I'm hot, you're hot, is there even a chance we wouldn't be an amazing couple?" He asks and Kurt giggles.

"I also like it when …" He whispers and he blushes more, red patches covering his cheekbones, the features of his face that Sebastian wants to trace with his fingertips, "when you do that stuff to me …"

"Do you mean sex, father Hummel?" He asks ironically and Kurt bumps his shoulder against the other boy's, sniggering.

"Hmm, that's not only sex." He murmurs, looking up at sky. "You're a little kinky. If someone told me that I would have been into chains, I would have laughed honestly."

Sebastian stays silent for a moment, like he's thinking about what's the right way to answer.

"You had fun last night though." He says eventually, tugging Kurt's hand in his own to get him closer. "There weren't only chains, you know? The many shades of Kurt Hummel." He jokes.

"Fifty Shades of Kurt Hummel." Kurt adds, proud of his joke.

"I have to admit that the rating would be accurate." Sebastian jokes, leaning his arm to wrap it around Kurt's shoulders and hold him closer as he sighs. "Your shades are almost as uncountable as mine."

Kurt pouts adorably, wrinkling his lower lip and looking like a kicked puppy.

"Why do you have more shades than I?" He asks, appearing maybe more touchy that he actually is. It's just to play their game.

"I've got very dark shades." Sebastian smirks. "So much more than you would think by getting to know me. Let's say that it's better if they're just personal shades. One day I'll drop them all on your colors."

"Your true colors …" Kurt hums, totally taking too lightly Sebastian's words.

Sebastian holds him just a little more tightly, making their bodies touch some more.

/

It is something.

Sebastian isn't really sure he can call this a progress, not for the way it has suddenly developed in his head, like a flashback, completely disconnected from the rest, but at least it is something.

He scrolls over Kurt's profile, searching for something, a picture of them together maybe, something that can make him realize they've actually met and he didn't imagine anything (considering the list he had found, Kurt could have been a guy Sebastian didn't manage to sleep with, so all of the moments he pictures might be fantasies anyway or memories of fantasies he had back then; he doesn't focus on the fact that he's also remembered sentimental moments).

After he's stared at almost fifty photos of which he's no idea what to think about if not that the boy is actually pretty enough to get his attention, Sebastian finds something: a bracelet.

The picture isn't that different from the first one he had seen. Kurt is with a girl, a different one. She's Hispanic, tagged as Santana Diabla Lopez and they're hugging a little behind the counter of a bar that seems familiar to Sebastian.

Under the picture the girl had left a comment.

Santana Diabla Lopez It shines brighter than my perfect teeth :)).

Sebastian gets immediately stabbed at his head as he reads the comment and he relaxes his head back against the pillow, now that he's starting to understand perfectly what is going to happen, like every single time. He lets his eyes get shut and sighs as his mind starts to drift.

/

"Is this for me?" Kurt asks, looking at the little box Sebastian is handing on the table with an enchanted glint in his eyes. Sebastian can almost see his heart hammering in his chest and for some reason he can't understand – maybe because he doesn't have much experience with this – it's making him smile like an idiot.

"Is there any other handsome boy sitting at this table?" Sebastian asks rhetorically, putting his elbow on the wood of the table of that restaurant and his chin on the palm of his hand, while he looks at Kurt like Kurt is the most beautiful thing ever. "Of course it's for you." He murmurs. It's all for you, he thinks but won't say.

Kurt looks like a kid on Christmas.

If they weren't in a restaurant, if they were home instead, Kurt would have probably started hopping around the room with the little box in his hands, happier than ever. He's the most adorable person Sebastian has ever met, that's for sure.

"You're … you're the best boyfriend ever."

He knows the hesitation in his voice, what it is due.

Kurt and he have never talked about a relationship for many reasons. And yet, this time Sebastian just smiles and nods. He doesn't want to ruin Kurt's surprise by correcting him. So he just stares, with an honestly happy expression, which was never forced, not with him.

Kurt's eyelids and mouth spread open in an adorable expression of surprise when he pulls of the box a white gold bracelet. Sebastian thought it was a little too vulgar for Kurt, but Kurt doesn't seem to agree. It warms his heart a little at the realization that he was so excited about having a gift from him that he didn't even think about the shape, the materials, if it would fit in his wardrobe, with his outfits. He's just happy that Sebastian had thought about buying something for him.

"It's … amazing!" Kurt shrieks, looking up to him.

Sebastian smiles smugly as he taps his fingers on his chin, proud of himself especially because he can see that Kurt's blue eyes are getting a little wetter.

"It's never going to be as amazing as I am." He answers, trying not to show Kurt the way his chest is filling with an awkward heat that he doesn't want to feel.

"True." Kurt confirms immediately, like he doesn't even need considering the eventuality that it's not true. Like there's no chance Sebastian could think that he is less amazing than a bracelet.

Sebastian leans an arm over the table, without shifting too much from the position, to reach for Kurt and stroke his palm while Kurt is still holding the bracelet in his hand.

/

Whatever this means, it's driving Sebastian crazy. He would want to understand the confused sensations he feels when these visions happen; there's something joyful within him when he's with Kurt and yet, there's something more too. He doesn't know what it is, but it doesn't allow him to let go to these feelings completely. Somehow, it seems like an important detail, like it's essential.

It's not about letting go sexually though. It's pretty clear to him that the relationship between Kurt and him was nothing chaste, instead, it seems like they had a lot of fun in bed.

His block in the memories is some emotional obstacle. He doesn't manage to enjoy the happiness of the moment because he feels like he already knows it's going to end. What might destroy Kurt and him though, he doesn't know.

He sighs for a moment and he passes a hand over his stomach until her reaches for the other white little box, the one with the red pills in it.

And all that the red pills did was make you forget why.

He pulls out one. He wants to take it one last time, understand how it works. Then he's just going to drop them in the toilet bowl as soon as Blaine turns and can't see him.

He drinks a sip down and lifts his iPhone again to trail it over his face and scroll on the profile again. It hadn't been used in a while, the last thing was posted three weeks ago. It's more shares of songs than writing, so he isn't interested.

He feels something within, confused at the sensation but aware that it's just the pill working.

"Sebastian!" Blaine's voice calls from the other room and as soon as he hears his flat mate's steps getting closer, Sebastian puts his phone in his pocket just before the door gets opened. "Hey, Sebastian. I've just seen something at news!" He exclaims, looking like a happy kid who's just watched his favorite cartoon. "Next week they're building up the Christmas illuminations along the streets. Why don't we go and see?" He asks, with his eyes filled with hope, which makes Sebastian snigger.

"Of course," he allows, freaking anxious to get out of this place, "it'll be fun to watch while you get turned on about some little Christmas lights."

"I love Christmas!" Blaine hums, hopping as he stands. "But it bothers me to go alone. Are you taking your pills?" He asks while his gaze moves down to where Sebastian has left the little confections, on the bed.

"Taken." Sebastian says, shrugging lazily. "They confuse me though. It's weird. What do I need those for exactly? There aren't any … recommendations or instructions, anything. Why is that?" He asks, trying to make the question sound as innocent as he can (which his hard to do while his throat burns at the thought that someone – maybe not Blaine, but someone – is keeping him away from Kurt and from the buzzing sense of happiness he seemed to feel around him).

Blaine looks a little confused at the question and for the first time Sebastian feels like he doesn't know too much about it either.

"Maybe it's because it's experimental, Sebastian." He suggests hesitantly, shrugging, honest for the first time about giving a negative answer. "I don't think these pills are even sold around yet. There's … there's a need of specific documents to get them besides the prescription."

"Was it such a bad accident?" He asks then, considering that an experimental cure seems like the last thing Blaine would allow if this wasn't the case.

"Totally. You were driving really, like really fast." He says, blinking awkwardly and Sebastian nods to his bed.

Blaine looks at the sheets hesitantly, for some reason Sebastian doesn't know, but then he just sits beside him.

"How come?" Sebastian asks immediately, putting his hands behind his head. "Not that I usually drive safe. I've got a Lamborghini. I had a Lamborghini." He rolls his eyes at the though and Blaine looks down, sighing.

"You're just going to throw it back in my face forever, aren't you?" He asks, sounding honestly sorry.

"You didn't answer my question." Sebastian notices, letting Blaine think that he's actually going to throw it in his face forever.

"Well, I don't know." Blaine shrugs, elusive. "To be honest, you weren't with me before the accident and you spent the night out, so I have no idea. It was a horrible day, rain and lightning kind of day, so I guess it wasn't easy to drive."

Sebastian doesn't seem too satisfied with the answer and he wrinkles his lips, looking in an empty space, thoughtfully.

Blaine is giving a little, he's more honest. Maybe he should give this another try.

"Are you sure you don't know any Kurt?" He asks, looking up at Blaine with fake innocence over his features, taking advantage of a moment of honesty when Blaine's securities seem to stumble weakly.

The birds of prey bite as you bleed.

"Hmm, yeah?" Blaine asks, unsure. "Listen, Sebastian. I don't know any Kurt, I swear." He already seems less honest. "If you do, maybe you've never talked about it with me for some reason, but I swear that considering the state you've been through after the accident, it might have had consequences over your mind-"

"Do I need these to forget?" Sebastian asks, sharply, lifting the little box of red pills in front of Blaine, who swallows immediately. "Fine, this shit makes me forget stuff." He puts it back on the mattress and stares as Blaine stiffens nervously beside him.

"Sebas-"

"So, these ones make me weak." He claims, lifting the other box, the one with the blue pills, in front of his own eyes, turning it between his fingers. "And here I thought blue pills made you 'stronger'," he jokes sarcastically, with a bitter grin on his face, starting to feel like an idiot again.

He looks up to Blaine.

"So, let me get this straight, Anderson." He says, sitting up beside him and looking into his eyes. "You're sedating me and drugging me to make me forget …"

"No, it's-"

"It's not like this? C'mon, cut the shit." He smirks a little evilly and he stares as Blaine moves a little away from him along the mattress, like he's scared. Awkward. "You want me to forget. What am I forgetting? What is it that you want me to forget?"

"Nothing." Blaine answers firmly, too focused on acting according to Sebastian.

As soon as he leans a hand towards him, Blaine stands up abruptly with his hands lifted towards Sebastian, like he's gesturing him to calm down.

"Sebastian, take another pill." He says, gesturing towards the little confections on the bed.

"Oh really?" Sebastian asks, taking one between his fingers. "Should I do so?"

"Sebastian, it's for your own good, please-" Blaine presses himself into the wall as soon as Sebastian stands from the bed, arms crossed to his chest and strict gaze focused on him.

"Give me just one good reason to do it. I won't take this shit anymore if you don't give me a reason." He murmurs, cutting Blaine before he can speak when he adds: "I won't accept all your 'it's for your own good' crap. It's pathetic. You are pathetic."

Blaine hesitates for a moment; therefore Sebastian takes another step towards him because it seems to scare him enough to actually work.

"Sebastian, please-"

"What are you scared of?" He asks, tightening his eyelids. "What scares you about me? I'm waiting, why should I take your stupid pills?"

"Believe me, you have to take them-" He stops, shaking when Sebastian is just a few steps away from him. "For Kurt." He murmurs, finally getting Sebastian's attention. "Do it for Kurt. It's for him."

"You're bluffing. You said you don't know any Kurt." He answers immediately, sober enough to not let Blaine deceive him. He hates being misled.

"You would hurt him," Blaine whispers slowly, hesitantly, his lower lip shaking as he speaks, "he … he needs to be safe, take them."

"From what?" Sebastian asks, a low heat burning in his body and making him swallow. "You …" He hesitates, feeling a shiver along his spine that makes him weaker in the blink of an eye. "You know about Kurt … you pretended that you didn't know. You lied, you made me forget, you wanted me to forget about him-"

"Sebastian-"

He feels like crying so much, it's stupid and there's no reason for that but he needs it.

"You … he was happy with me and-"

"No, he wasn't!" Blaine answers, raising just a little his voice. "Believe me, Sebastian, he wasn't. He'd been so in the past maybe. And the pill is starting to work so lay down before you fall and hit your head."

"I need to know," Sebastian whispers, feeling his legs becoming weaker and shaking, and his sight getting blurred, "I … he … will I remember him when I wake up?" He asks, blinking uselessly to try and see Blaine better, but Blaine is disappearing before his eyes, all blurred as panic is filling his chest and he's surrendering to the idea that he is passing out.

"I don't know." Blaine answers immediately and Sebastian feels like dying.

"You're going to kill me this way …" He murmurs weakly and barely hears Blaine whispering back – or maybe it's a lot louder than Sebastian hears it –, something like you are going to kill him, before he falls to the floor and it all becomes black.