Honestly at this point I don't even think I need this thing anymore, I've been doing what you asked and it's working, I just… I can't stop wishing I'd listened to you sooner. You always told me I needed to open up more, needed to let people in and let myself reach out and I can't stop wondering how different things would be if I had. For my family, for Intelligence… for us. But I'm doing it now and that's what matters right? Making sure I don't make the same mistakes I made in Chicago here. I don't really think I can call them mistakes, they were choices, but you'd tell me that's just semantics and I'm being too hard on myself.
See?
Progress.
I really do feel like I've made some. A lot. I was worried I was just running away by coming here but it's actually been great; it's given me the distance I needed to see things clearly. To see myself. You also always said I was too hard on myself and as usual you were right but I'm getting better at that too. I actually think I like myself more than I ever-
"Hey-"
"Fucking knock!" He cursed as Mouse shoved his door open, which he only ever closed when he wanted privacy and which his friend knew but ignored anyway. "I really regret you coming here."
"No you don't." Mouse said with a grin, rolling his eyes when Jay slammed his journal shut when he tried to take a peek.
"Damn, you've only had that thing three months and you're already halfway through it. Not just a pretty face huh?"
"Fuck off."
"What? It's a good thing, you're usually pretty emotionally constipated-"
"Fuck off." He repeated, rolling his eyes at the laughs that came from down the hall.
Jay had been happy here before he'd arrived but the last few months had brought him a sense of peace and family he'd been sorely missing, one he'd never expected to experience again if he was being completely honest.
But fuck had he forgotten how annoying he was.
Not a single day had gone by that he hadn't barged into his room, something he didn't do to anyone else, not to mention he always made a mess and never cleaned it up. He also insisted on stealing his towels because he said they were softer, which they weren't, a few times while he was mid-shower, the asshole. And he'd lost count of how many times he'd added extra weight to his pack when they were doing endurance training. He was like the younger brother he'd never asked for. Jay liked to think he hadn't been this much of a dick to Will, but he knew he had.
"What do you want?"
"The Feds are here."
"What?"
"The Feds are here." He repeated slowly, with a smirk Jay really wanted to wipe off- he'd also lost count of how many tussles they'd gotten into but at least it was good stress relief.
"Why didn't you say anything sooner?"
"Cause I like fucking with you."
"You're an asshole."
Mouse just clapped him on the shoulder, his grin extra mischievous. "That I am. Now we got to go cause I don't think you're going to want to be late to this meeting."
No, he didn't.
Caro had told them last week that a group of agents were coming in for a joint op and while he hadn't called to let them know they were here yet Jay knew Mouse was plugged into the bases security system, something the general had only accepted after he'd pinpointed several soldiers who were actively working with the cartels. Thankfully Caro had kept quiet about where that intel had come from but his team was still keeping their eyes open, uncomfortable with the thought that there could be more traitors within their midst; no matter the profession there were always some bad apples but being on foreign soil made that feeling a lot stronger. Although whenever he looked at Nico and Raul Jay wondered if having it happen on your home turf was worse. Neither option was great but the one thing he was sure of was that his team was clean- he trusted these people with his life and would even if Greg hadn't confirmed they were safe, though that definitely helped.
It was still strange, having them fall in line behind him as they made their way to the Command Centre, Mouse on his right and Logan on his left with the others flanking their rear but it was a good feeling too. As heavy as the weight of command was he was proud to bear it because his team was proud to stand behind him. And they did make a pretty imposing picture. Things were a bit laxer down here so jeans weren't a rare sight but even out of uniform they exuded a sense of authority, other soldiers moving to make way and not just the Bolivians; there were three other interdiction units that worked out of Cochabamba, all good men, all highly skilled, but it hadn't taken him long after he'd arrived to notice that his was being selected more often and for more dangerous missions. At first Jay had thought they were being tested, that he was, so it had been a big bump to his ego when Caro told him it was because under his leadership they'd become the best.
An especially touching compliment considering how rarely the general gave them.
"Sergeant."
"General." He greeted the other man with a nod as they entered the briefing room, hiding his smile at the resigned but still perturbed look he shot Mouse, clearly not seeing the point in asking how they knew to be here.
Probably because he was too busy with their guests.
Jay began his own assessment as he settled on their side of the table but it didn't take him long to get distracted. Because he knew one of them. It took him a moment to be sure, to realize it wasn't just a trick of the mind but he knew that gait, had walked beside it for so long he couldn't not recognize it, couldn't not recognize the body he'd once held against his own, that he just knew would still smell like lilac and sea salt. And how could he forget the voice that called his name, her surprise making its natural huskiness even more prominent, those familiar warm brown eyes filling with shock but also affection.
"Jay?"
Erin Lindsay.
Erin.
Erin, Erin, Erin.
Erin was here. Erin was here.
"Another friend, Sergeant Halstead?"
His generals question pulled him out of his head but he stayed staring at the woman across from him, her surprise growing as she glanced at the snickering man beside him.
"Mouse?"
"Hey." Mouse said with a wave and an easy grin, not at all shocked to see her. That fucker had known she was going to be here and he hadn't said anything?
Now Jay shot him a glare but he barely looked bothered, only the smallest flicker of guilt but his attention was quickly diverted back to Erin, more specifically to the dark-skinned man who shifted in his spot beside her, his stance not just familiar but protective.
A partner who was more than just a partner.
"Would someone care to explain how you know each other?" Caro asked, more like demanded, snapping each of them out of their daze.
"We were partners."
They shared a wry smile as they answered in unison, both their teams shifting as they connected the dots.
"We worked together in Chicago." Jay continued but he was still only half present, the other half of his mind back in an empty apartment; it wasn't the first time he'd compared the way she'd left him with the way he'd left Hailey but it had never hurt quite this badly before. "I came out here close to a year and a half ago. This dumbass came a few months back."
"Hey!" Mouse protested but he shot Erin a wink when she laughed, a sound that made his heart ache.
She also hadn't taken her eyes off him and he'd bet anything the guilt and longing in them matched his, though like him it wasn't just pain; it was understanding and forgiveness too.
The same respect they'd always given each other, even in their lowest moments.
"Why don't we catch up later?" The man next to her said, prompting her to finally break their stare, her slight flush telling him he was right that the man was more than just a coworker. And he was happy about that, she deserved to have someone but it still gave him a weird feeling.
And it made him wonder if he was ever going to have someone of his own again.
If he could ever make it work.
Thankfully he had the job to keep him out of his head. They spent the next couple hours going over logistics, specifically the target, Sebastian Novak, an arms dealer who'd been on Interpol's most wanted list for the last half a decade and his buyers, the Santa Cruz cartel. And Los Zetas as well which was a point of surprise for everyone. Arms dealers dealt with anyone so long as the price was right but getting in the middle of active turf wars wasn't usually their style, especially when the participants were known to cut people's heads off. Los Zetas were anyway, they'd made their name by being especially brutal but all cartels used violence as a language. And the rocket launchers Novak was planning on selling them would help with that, as if the machetes and automatic rifles they normally went up against weren't enough. But that wasn't why Erin's team wanted him. According to their intel Novak was looking to step up his operation, upgrading from guns to black market nuclear materials. As far as they knew that wasn't part of his deal with either cartel but they were hoping to use this meeting to bring him back Stateside to find out where he'd gotten ten kilograms of plutonium and who he'd been planning on selling it to. And most importantly where he'd stored it.
It was higher stakes than his team were used to but none of them were daunted, rather he could see it pushing them, just as it was Erin's team. Six years of silence and thousands of miles may have been between them but she was still the same woman he'd known.
And she still had a mouth on her.
"Alright, you got to call it for the day." Jay declared when he finally noticed every member of her team hiding winces as they tried to ignore their encroaching headaches, not yet accustomed to the lack of oxygen. Of course none of them liked that but he ignored their refusals. "You want to go on this raid you need to be ready and until you get over the altitude sickness you won't be. The sooner you rest the sooner that'll happen."
"We can push through." Sam replied firmly, Erin's partner who was more than just a partner and it was for that reason Jay held his tongue.
That and Nico had it handled.
Her amused snort caught everyone's attention, Sam stiffening as she gave him a condescending look. "And there is the American arrogance."
"Excuse me?"
"You come to our country, to fight with us, yet you think you are so superior you don't have to listen to us?"
"He's American too-"
"He is our Sergeant." She said fiercely, a defense he didn't need but appreciated, just like he appreciated the warm, proud look Erin shot him as she continued. "And he is right. But if you want to ignore him and centuries of medical advice, be our guest. But I will not fight with someone who willfully puts our team in danger."
"Alright, I think-"
"Can it Mark." Erin said as another member of her team tried to diffuse things, though by his eyeroll he didn't take offense. "If the rest of you want to pretend your heads aren't pounding you can kiss my ass cause you're all lying."
Jay couldn't help but laugh, that was the woman he'd fallen for, the one they all had by their amused snorts. And when Sam gave him a deeper than expected nod they all gave in, following Nico and Logan to their quarters while the rest of his team continued working. Erin stayed too, but he knew it wasn't work she wanted to talk about. Having her at his side as he led them to an empty briefing room felt strange, a familiarity that set him both at ease and on edge. Another woman he'd loved and lost.
The second.
For a long moment they just stared at each other, the weight of their history sitting heavy between them until they broke the silence, once again in unison.
"I'm sorry."
"What do you have to be sorry for?" She asked and the confusion in her voice confused him.
"I wasn't there for you."
It was one of his biggest regrets, that he'd left her instead of trying to solve his problems with her, that he hadn't been there when she'd really needed him, though in hindsight his missed proposal was probably a good thing.
"Jay you were always there for me." Erin said softly, the love in her eyes pulling him out of his head and the solemnity in her voice keeping him focused. "I just… I just didn't always let you be. But that was never about you- it was about me, and Bunny, and-"
Oh Bunny.
"How is she?"
"She's gone. A few years ago- organ failure. It's what happens after a lifetime of drugs and alcohol." She said with a shrug but he knew how deep the pain of losing a parent went, regardless of how close you were.
"I'm so sorry Erin."
Bunny had been… a hell of a woman, and not in the good way, but for better and for worse she'd made Erin who she was and that was a hell of a woman.
In the best way.
"We got closer, in the end but… she was still Bunny." She said with another small shrug and before he knew it Jay was grabbing her in a tight hug, the action instinctual, as was the way she relaxed into him, albeit after a couple seconds of shock. "I'm sorry Jay. I never wanted to hurt you."
"It's okay-"
"It's not-"
"I get it Erin." He said hoarsely as he pulled back, the understanding in her gaze soothing some of the hurt inside him.
He'd known Hank had kept in touch with her, he saw all of Intelligence as his children but especially Erin, he was the closest thing to a father she'd ever had so it didn't surprise him he would have told her about him and Hailey, but it was still awkward. Not only had he fallen for another partner, he'd fallen for the partner who'd replaced her, even if it had taken them years to admit their feelings.
"It's a thing in our line of work." She said with a wry smile, the mischief that sparked in her eyes reminding him of the way Greg had looked at him earlier.
And she caught him just as off-guard.
"Would this be a bad time to tell you I know about Tess too?"
She what now?
Erin just laughed while he stood there dumbfounded, her smirk making it clear she was enjoying this. "I met her a couple years after I left- she saved my life. Twice actually."
"What? How?"
"I got grabbed. And had no way out till she came in. She beat up the bad guys, got the information we'd been after and got me out, all in under twenty minutes."
That sounded like her. But…
"How did you know who she was?"
"I saw a picture of her at Mouse's, the one and only time you took me there."
That had been the reason he'd never taken her back.
When Tess had left after her aunt's murder Jay had buried his head in the sand waiting for her to come back, to his everlasting shame, but not Greg; he'd spent months trying to find her, keeping her pictures up and her things out. He'd always been the better man. But Tess…
She was the best of all of them.
"And the second time?"
Erin just shrugged again, with that familiar soft smile. "She wasn't there herself that time but I'd be dead if she hadn't intervened. She's really good at that."
Yeah.
She really was.
"Jay…" She said his name slowly, like she had so many times, with the hint of nerves that made him determined to defend her and the steel that reminded him she felt the same. "I've still got your back."
But we'll always have each others back.
Always.
Forever hadn't been a promise he could keep, not the way Hailey had wanted him to, but this… this he could.
"Always."
It took four days for Erin's team to get over their altitude sickness, because they did try to push, and after two more to make sure they could operate together in the field, not quite seamlessly but pretty damn close a week after they arrived they were ready to go. Almost. Jay couldn't say why but his eyes kept flicking to where Greg was doing his final weapons checks; they did it every day, familiarity with your rifle could and often did save a soldiers life which was why anyone worth the name would say that it didn't matter if you'd done it a thousand times, before an op you better do it a thousand and one. Everyone did it a little different, a weapon was as personal as… well he couldn't think of an example but they were personal. Aside from three women his gun was probably the most intimate relationship he'd ever had and aside from one of them it was the longest lasting too. Even when the piece changed the motions remained, checking the magazine, the barrel and the chamber, adjusting the sights and grip- it was a process that was as automatic to him as breathing, which was good when his attention was split between his weapon and his man.
Something was wrong with him.
He couldn't say what, couldn't even point to anything that was giving him cause for this concern but aside from Will Greg was his longest lasting relationship so he knew when something was off with him. And based on the way his brothers eyes started flicking to him he knew he knew. And by the way he kept hurriedly looking away whatever it was wasn't something he wanted to address right now, which meant he had to. Going into the field with your head only half in it was as bad as going in with an unprepared rifle.
It was asking for trouble.
So he finished his check and made sure the rest of his team was ready, letting their light-hearted banter soothe and steady him before he gave a quick assessment of Erin's across the room. It was her boyfriend Sam's actually, a man he'd quickly grown to respect, and even to admire, ensuring they too were prepared before he finally stopped by Greg's station.
"You good?" He asked quietly and though his friend just nodded when his normally warm stare met his Jay could see a small but strong hint of fear. "What's going on?"
He just shrugged and looked around to make sure no one was listening, clearly not wanting to spread his nerves to the others. "Something feels wrong."
"What?"
"If I had something concrete I would've said."
His snapping tone was out of character enough that Jay immediately straightened, then quickly had to force himself to relax when Logan noticed and shot him a curious look, returning it with a steady nod before he turned back to Greg. "Concrete or not if you're worried about something I want to know."
"Something just feels wrong." He answered softly after a moment, taking a deep breath before he met his stare again, not just with fear of the unknown this time but… with fear of him. "It feels like it did last time."
Last time.
Fifteen years ago, the attack on their convoy that had nearly killed them and had killed the rest of their unit. The moment that had changed their lives forever. The first time Greg had told him he doubted his plan and first time Jay hadn't listened to him. And he couldn't this time either. His team might trust them enough to heed their instincts, maybe even Erin too but there was no way Sam would and no way Caro would, not with how much was riding on this.
And Greg knew that.
Just like he had last time.
He didn't like this.
And not just because he and Greg were so close that his friends' concerns always became his own but because it was just…
It was too easy.
The meet was happening five hours east of Cochabamba at a small, abandoned church just outside an even smaller town outside the city of Oruro, one whose allegiance, through force, was now owed to Los Zetas. And one that gave them multiple close-range vantage points from which to monitor the drug runners, a layout that seemed almost intentionally perfect. And what about how they'd gotten this intel? According to Erin's team they'd gotten the information through a third party who'd refused to give up their source, neither of which was unusual but still made him uneasy. He'd given orders to his team to be on the lookout for anything strange, anything even close to strange and after she'd seen them whispering he'd told Erin who'd passed it along to her own team. But none of them were taking it seriously. Not beyond the gravity they held towards a normal mission, eyes all glued to their assigned sections, the perimeter, church and surrounding property, primed and ready for the first hint of action but still it just… it felt too easy.
It felt like a trap.
They spent three hours waiting in the treeline before Novak finally showed, the arms dealers entourage only slightly smaller than that of the cartels; all together they'd be going up against sixteen men, slightly less than their own thirteen but as long as they could keep those rocket launchers out of play they'd be on even footing. More than. Drug and gun runners might have access to a lot of dangerous weaponry but it was rare they were skilled at using it and even if they were it was even rarer that they had the same level of training. If everything went according to plan they'd have this wrapped up in the next fifteen minutes. Twenty tops.
If everything went according to plan.
"Remember to wait until Novak and his men are back in his car to move in." Sam's quiet voice came over the comms, quickly followed by Nico's airy but permanently sassy one.
"Oh yes, we definitely would have forgotten that."
A chorus of snickers answered her, his teams and Sam's and though Jay couldn't see the other man he'd gotten to know him well enough over the last week that he could easily picture the begrudgingly amused face he'd be making.
You couldn't really have a problem with sass and be with a woman who could, and would, dish it out whether it was 1pm or 1am.
Everyone reigned their chatter in as Novak's men started bringing out a container, the arms dealer proudly displaying his merchandise. The Russian made anti-tank RPG-7, a shoulder-launched, reusable, but thank God unguided, rocket-propelled grenade launcher. A weapon he'd faced frequently in Afghanistan, including that fateful day fifteen years ago, the one that kept tugging at the back of his mind and that he kept pushing away, though the guilt in his gut was a lot harder to ignore. From what he could see through his night-vision goggles the cartel members looked downright giddy but those grins quickly turned sour as Novak shook his finger. Probably demanding payment. Sure enough two men went into the church and came out with a duffle bag, allowing one of his men to look inside and after he gave a nod the others brought out another container. More RPG's?
Or more ammo?
"We gotta pull back."
Greg.
A hushed but rapid barrage of questions followed but all Jay could hear was his friend.
I'm telling you, we should take the other route- it's slower but it's safer.
We don't have time for slow. We don't get there now that village loses every fighting man they have and the rest get slaughtered. And the women and girls… We don't have time for slow.
Alright.
"I didn't push it before and I spent fifteen years regretting it so I'm pushing it now. We gotta pull back."
"Look I get you got a bad feeling-"
"Pull back."
He hadn't needed it but the immediate ripple of relief he felt from his brother solidified that he'd made the right choice; he could deal with messing up an op, could deal with getting court-martialed if it came to that but what he would not do was look into the eyes of any more wives and families and tell them he had let their loved ones die when he could have prevented it.
Not again.
"You can't-"
"We can and we are." Jay said roughly and he knew without looking his team was already following his command. "We got thirty miles between here and the city to grab Novak."
"And the RPG's?"
"We'll figure it-" He was cut off by a sudden, rapid and heavy spray of bullets that forced him to hit the ground hard.
Bullets that came from behind them.
"AMBUSH!" Mack shouted, he, Mickey and Lottie all taking up defensive positions, two of Erin's team quickly joining them while the rest started returning the fire Los Zetas began sending their way.
It had to be La Santa Cruz behind them. Somehow they'd found out about this deal and had gotten the information to someone they knew would get it to the Feds. Hoping to take out two birds with one stone.
And they just might succeed.
"Take out those ordinances." Jay ordered hoarsely, the sight of the weapons being hastily assembled filling him with a terror he had to fiercely stomp down. "Take out those ordinances!"
The fire that had been directed at the cartel members immediately turned towards those cases but not in time- they might've been covered by the foliage and the dark night but their guns made just as much noise and he watched with horror as the first rocket was launched.
Right where Nico and Logan were supposed to be.
The world exploded and while he struggled to keep his feet under him as he ripped off his goggles, useless now the field was on fire Jay screamed into his comms for one of them to answer him, getting nothing but silence back.
Not again.
He couldn't do this again.
"Sam, you and your team get Novak."
"We are not leaving you-"
"It will take five of you to deal with that skinny man?"
Nico.
Fucking Nico, breathless but laughing and fucking waving as Logan dragged her to a more defensible position, his friend looking a lot less pleased but just as alive. But they weren't out of the woods yet.
"Sam. Get Novak." He ordered as the arms dealer took the break in fire to jump in his car with his two remaining men, him and Mark jumping up a second later to chase after them as they tried to get away through the field, quickly shooting out their tires so they wouldn't be able to. But what about Erin-
She was with Greg. Staring him down from fifty feet away, ready to follow his lead until another rattling of the earth knocked them all over. Another RPG, fired right down the road this time, over the rest of their teams and into the opposing cartel. That was what they needed. At worst there was only one left, at best there could be three, maybe even more but either way it was worth it. He wasn't losing anyone today.
Not one fucking person.
Jay didn't even wait for a break in the shooting to charge what remained of Los Zetas, dropping into a slide just as they noticed him, their bullets so close he felt their heat. He took three of them down and when he heard the click that meant his magazine was empty he threw himself back to his feet and flipped his rifle up and over to smash the butt into the face of the first man to rush him, immediately hooking the barrel under the strap of the next man; shoving his gun away he ducked under his arm and sent his elbow into his gut, spinning to use his body as a shield while he traded clips and when a spray of fire from his left sent the rest scurrying for cover he dropped back to his knees.
"Pinch them." He said to whoever could hear him, quickly trading his rifle for the last RPG and as soon as he heard the go he fired, shaking his head to clear as much of the ringing as he could as he flung open the second case and grinned.
That was a lot of ammo.
He got some extra when a bullet lodged in his shoulder, his adrenaline too high for him to know if it had hit his vest or his flesh but he rolled to ignore the next and by the time he was up again the head was swapped out and he fired, not at the man aiming at him but to the ones still shooting at his team. Jay watched as the rocket flew down the road, the bright blaze of flame as it exploded the last thing he saw before the world went dark.
