XXIX. One Step Forward, One Step Back
"Because, if you could love someone, and keep loving them, without being loved back…then that love had to be real. It hurt too much to be anything else." – Sarah Cross, 'Kill Me Softly'
May 2012
Brushing out the tangles in her hair, Sheva heard the shower in the connected bathroom to her bedroom turn off. Her movements paused as she listened for the glass door to open and close. Her attention was still on the person in her bathroom as she looked back to her reflection in the mirror above her dresser. The darkness under eyes pushed her to use a little more makeup than she usually would to hide the evidence of exhaustion on her face. Finding herself out of ideas what to do with her hair, she left the brown curls falling to her shoulders and felt content enough with her appearance.
As she slipped on her dress, the person who had been in her shower moments before walked out with a towel draped around his hips. Piers smiled to Sheva with brightness in his grin as he stepped towards her and gave her a gentle kiss before he helped button the front side of her dress. Thanking him, Sheva slipped on plain black pumps and looked into her mirror, approving the professional look she had and even had the approval of Piers.
"You look nice," he told her, looking around the room for his own work cloths. Nowhere to be found, Piers tried recalling where he had thrown his clothes the night prior when he and Sheva had made it back to her place.
Biting the inside of her cheek, Sheva did her natural habit of finger knotting as she pushed the tip of her shoe into the carpeted floor. When he asked if she knew where his cloths were, she motioned with a nervous wave to the closet doors. "I hung them up in the closet," she said, looking to her feet.
Watching as she fidgeted about, Piers took a look inside of the closet and sure enough, his uniform was hanging in there. So were a few other articles of clothing that he had left over time and had forgotten about. Apparently Sheva had collected them all and hung them up, creating a space in her closet for him.
"I have my own space?" he inquired with a smirk as he looked back at her. Her cheeks showed to be rosy with natural blush as she gave a tight shrug.
"I thought since you've been staying the night a lot lately and you forget things, you could just have a space to leave your stuff. You know, so you'll always have clothes just in case. I'm not saying we're moving in together, just that it'd be good for you to have stuff."
Before she could ramble more, Piers pressed a finger to her lips to hush her, moving his hand to caress her cheek and kissing her softly again. "Thank you, Sheva."
She smiled humbly and nodded, happy that he didn't take it as an invitation to move in. "I'm gonna go make some coffee," she stated, walking outside the room to find Fat Marvin sitting in the hallway and standing to follow her to the kitchen.
Piers let out a sigh when she left, feeling an odd sense of unsettlement and security. The security was the knowing that Sheva was welcoming the idea of another step in their relationship. It was quite a while ago when Piers knew he didn't want to give up on the possibility of something serious with Sheva and even after he told her loved her, the rejection of her response to the affection still did nothing to deter his determination with her. It was slow with her, but she took some pretty major steps with him in the last two months since the confession of his unreturned love.
The day he claimed his affection for her, he had drove her home and he had expected to be sent back out to leave and go to his own home. Maybe it was pity or true desire, but Sheva had taken him to bed that day and they slept together. He never mused the idea of her invitation to bed as a form of payment to apologize for not feeling the way he did. Though he was close to it, the simple thought vanished after that night. She may not love him, so she said, but she showed him a different type of affection that happened to be physical and it was true. Since then, he would stay nights at her place and she never showed any disagreement or discomfort to his presence. She was actually the one often to invite him to stay.
The unsettlement in his mind grew from the depression Sheva desperately tried to hide. Her eyes told of darkness that was much more than sadness. Like a dark cloud or mass with her always, she constantly looked tired. And no matter how well he tried to help her or how much he tried to make her happy, Piers had the opportunity to watch her grey. A part of him was upset that he couldn't get her out of this funk, almost as if he wasn't good enough to bring her back. But that same part of him that was upset also had an understanding that it took more than one person to bring one out of depression. More times than not, it took a miracle to bring you back. Sheva's case seemed to waver. She seemed to be truly happy one moment then down the next. It was something he could unfortunately understand very well. He suffered with depression himself for the past two years. And that's how he knew it was something neither he nor anyone could underestimate.
The loud purr coming from Fat Marvin and the bubbling of hot water in the coffee machine surrounded Sheva thankfully. Silence wasn't something she coped with well as of late, preferring noises from anyone or anything. Marvin sat up in her lap to look at what she was doing on the flat surface of the breakfast counter. He watched as her finger tapped on the mouse pad of her laptop, his tail wagging at the fast movements of her fingers. When her hand stopped, he looked up to her, waiting for her to start back up on the mouse pad. But instead her eyes moved from right to left as if reading something.
Sheva's right hand stayed still on Fat Marvin's back as she read quickly the response email Josh had sent her. Dealing with the large time zone gap between the two, they did most of their talking through email even though they much rather talk on the phone to hear the comfort of one another's voice. They talked constantly even with emailing. Sheva, however, frowned at his response and felt like what he said was unfair. His email read:
For the last time, no, I won't tell you her name. Either you'll have to come home to see her and learn her name or you'll have to wait till Katie, the baby, and I visit you. Either way, Sheva, you'll have to be patient. I want you to learn everything you can about her in person. She's perfect and you'll love her. She already loves you and she misses you singing to her even though it's over the phone. Love you, Sheva. Talk to you soon. – Josh
Rubbing her temple and sighing heavily, Sheva dealt with the disappointment of yet another rejection to learn the name of her niece's name. On the last day of March, Josh and his wife Katie had welcomed a very healthy baby girl into the world and expressed how perfect everything was. Even the boys from the BSAA West African base had emailed her telling her all about Josh and a happiness that he radiated. Sheva was beyond happy for the young, growing family, but there was one problem. Josh refused to tell her the name of his daughter.
Was there some bad luck thing she wasn't aware of to tell the name of your daughter over the phone or email? Sheva just wanted to know the name and the more times he'd turn her down, the more she'd grow curious about her niece's name. It must be a rather important surprise to make Josh keep her name a secret. Sheva had her ideas, but she was one not to ponder over surprises for she was often afraid she'd over expect. She could bite her tongue and hold from asking Josh anymore, but she so badly wanted to know. She began writing her response:
I'm going to get that name out of you, Josh. I deserve to know. I'm her aunt for goodness sakes! If you don't tell me, I can get it from Katie. She'll tell me if I bribe her enough. Could you at least tell me the first letter of her name? I love her without knowing her name and even if you gave her a horrible name, I'll still love her. I miss singing to her, too. I love you too, Josh. Until next time. – Sheva
Pushing her laptop away and setting Fat Marvin down, Sheva went to pour herself a cup of coffee when the machine dinged. Marvin weaved around her legs, trying to gain her attention. But it was his attention that refocused when he saw Piers walk into the kitchen, a smile on his face. He called to him but the cat stayed where he was by Sheva and watched him curiously. When Piers made sure Sheva wasn't looking, he reached into the jar of cat treats on the counter and crouched to show the treats in his hand for Fat Marvin to see. What reminded Piers of Scooby Doo when the talking dog would run in place for a second or two then actually move and run from the monsters, Fat Marvin had seemed to do exactly that until he was in front of Piers and eating the treats from his hand. Once finished, Marvin accepted the petting hand Piers offered and soon began to purr for the other male.
"I saw that," Sheva spoke aloud before she took a sip from her coffee mug. Piers and Marvin looked at her in silence, then a second later Fat Marvin took off trotting to somewhere else in the home and left Piers stranded.
"I, uh, thought he looked hungry," he muttered.
"He always looks hungry. You know I'm trying to put him on a diet."
He nodded. After apologizing, he poured himself a mug of the caffeinated drink, appreciating the burst of energy the coffee gave him. He watched as Sheva smoothed her dress and brushed her hair past her shoulders. He guessed it was the habits that came with depression that caused Sheva to do this often on a daily basis. Often wondering, he thought at times she was doing this to impress someone. But it was another thing he knew that is was the obsessive nature of her and she just couldn't help it.
"You look beautiful, Sheva," he told her. "Don't worry so much, okay?"
"Huh?" she hummed with true confusion. Then she realized as her fingers checked the buttons that she was doing it again. Her compulsion to make sure everything was in place. "Sorry."
He gave her a kiss on her forehead and started to collect his phone and keys. As she watched him she could still feel the heat of his lips on her skin and thought how funny it was to think when she first met Piers to assume he wasn't an affectionate guy. He'd often hold her hand, kiss her, or hold her close without any hesitation. In her culture, affection was welcome but in America, she had always seen people to be cold and demand their personal space. Admittedly, she admired Piers and his freeness to show her warmth in front of others. The directors at work and the other agents had caught on a while ago of their relationship, and no one seemed to mind.
Since Piers' confession of his love, he had not said it at all again to her after her feelings were unreturned. She was grateful for it more than she could explain. After they got passed that little bump of love, she feared he would tell her often. That he'd tell her he loved her even though she never said it back. But to her great gratitude, he never uttered the words since. He never sprung on the three words and forced it down her throat. He kept it to himself. It just worried her how long he could keep it in and to himself.
The ignition of the car turned off as Chris turned the key, his Jeep settling to quietness as he held the phone to his ear as Claire talked without pause on the other line. The day at work had been long for no particular reason and all he wanted was to either pass out, or grab a beer and numb all the roaming thoughts in his head for some time. His mind seemed to drift off just at the idea of relaxing until Claire's voice calling his name woke him back up from daydreaming. She repeated her last question.
"Chris, have you talked to Sheva yet?" her voice seemed to echo in his ear after speaking the foreigner's name.
He held back a sigh, his hand going to rub his eyes as he thought of an excuse to tell his sister. No, he hadn't talked to Sheva because he didn't know how, he didn't want to, and he wasn't sure what it'd result in. It'd been two months since the inevitable fight between the two and he had yet to even mutter a word to her. She didn't bother either. But it didn't take words to know that she had seemed to be moving on, as if she had forgotten all about it. The worst of it all: it made him long when she'd try talking to him, to try and gain some sort of friendship. He missed when she tried. But after the fight, she hadn't bothered to rebuild whatever it was they had or could have had, even if it was just friends.
When he told Claire he hadn't spoken to Sheva yet, he immediately heard the disappointment heavily laced in her voice.
"I should have known you hadn't yet. It's been two months, Chris. When are you going to talk to her?"
This time he let out the sigh, desperately conjuring up an excuse to admit that he was afraid to be the one to approach Sheva, afraid to be the one this time to start the "rebuild" of their civility. "I don't know, Claire, I think everything's fine. I don't think we really need to talk anymore." He cringed as he told the lie aloud.
"Oh, you big baby. You'll feel a lot better when you talk to her. She won't shun you away, Chris. She may be quiet, but it's Sheva. She'll listen."
"I know, Claire. I'll…I'll talk to her in time, okay? Just let me go my pace."
She was silent for some time before agreeing, wishing her brother good luck for whenever he'd get the guts to talk to her best friend. She hadn't pushed Sheva—yet—to speak to Chris, mainly because she knew Chris was the one who started the last spat and trying to get Sheva to talk to Chris was nearly impossible. The girl was a statue whenever Claire would bring it up. Sheva had plenty fault as well, but in the end, Claire thought, Sheva was the one who needed to be apologized to first, then she could tell Chris her apologies as well. Then they could coexist with one another. Claire's mind wandered to another woman in her brother's life.
"Hey, Chris. Have you talked to Jill at all?" she went straight for it.
There was no need to be angry with Claire asking after she'd been enquiring such things at least twice a week for the last two months. The weight on his shoulders nestled heavier at the thought of Jill. He often humored the idea of how heavy the weight on his shoulders was, guessing in pounds until he realized how absurd the thought was.
"I'm trying. I don't know how to bring it up. It's like she knows what I want to talk about and she'll either change the subject or ignore me all together."
Claire did her best to advise her brother in the situation, but he didn't agree with most of her methods. So she told him to be gentle and take it with baby steps. Jill was probably scared to admit of infidelity and the possibility to be kicked out and left on her own. While Claire would push Chris to talk to Sheva, she advised him to be slow with Jill. She'd tell him that Jill was a much bigger "band aid to rip off" than Sheva was. He needed to be careful with her. This he actually agreed with. But he mainly agreed only because it bought him more time until he'd have to talk with Jill and also to face being alone again.
"Alright, I'll talk to you later, bro. If you talk to either of the girls, let me know. I'm not a patient person. Love you."
"Love you, too," he replied before hanging up and stepping out of his car. Jill's tiny Honda was parked in the driveway, letting him know she was already home.
His steps slowed as he entered the home they shared, his breath coming longer in exhales when he heard the television in the living room playing. Finding her lounging on the couch with her phone in her hands as she typed on the touchscreen, Jill's expression seemingly happy, he greeted her. Her expression changed for a moment as she looked back at him, trying to smile naturally. She pulled her legs closer to her chest when he took a seat on the couch next to her.
"You can change it to whatever you want," she motioned to the television. "I'm not really watching. I just like the noise."
He nodded, looking to the TV to find that she was watching a soap opera. Some man stuck in the middle of a love triangle when suddenly, one of the women revealed she's actually a man. Chris looked to Jill with a raised brow, rather amused at her choice of programming. He could hear the click of buttons she pressed on her phone and even a giggle that he hadn't heard in years come from her that must have been caused by whatever she reading or typing. Chris, however, knew who it was she was talking to.
"Hey, Jill," he murmured, slowly turning his head to look at her. She peered over her phone to look at him with inquisitive eyes. "Do you think we could talk?"
Her eyes went wide, shifting to look at her phone then him. Then she sat up, stretching her arms out and faking a yawn. "Mm, do mind if we talk later? I'm really tired. I had a lot of paperwork today. We can talk after I wake up. Sound good?" Before he could ask her to stay, she was already up and walking to their room as he called out an agreement.
That talk wouldn't happen tonight or probably for the next week or two. Though it was inescapable, he was glad he didn't have to have the talk tonight. The thoughts and worries would stay in his mind longer, but he saved another night having someone. Whether it be a woman he was supposed to be in love with or the old friend that had changed, it was company nonetheless and kept the loneliness from totally sinking in. He'd get to "the talk" soon and the apologies that Sheva needed to hear. Not really knowing which would be worse, Chris had the pulling to talk with Jill more, to finally get the breakup and end of their relationship done with. Then it'd be Sheva; to talk with her as well and try to articulate sincere apologies, and then finally, if he could, let her go.
Author's note: Poor Chris. That feeling to have to talk with someone when you know it won't be pleasant is such a terrible feeling. So, what'd you think of the time jump? Hope it wasn't too drastic or too much.
borismortys: Eh, if Chris opened up to Sheva, I imagined the awkward tension would be through the roof! It'd be like talking to a wall, no offense to Jill. :P Thank you!
Mss. KB: I'm so happy you liked it! Claire's like the only woman Chris can count on at this point, sadly. Well, he could count on Sheva, it'd just be a little too tense, yeah? Thank you dear. :)
toby7400: Haha, Chris needs a human punching bag! Oh, thanks. I never thought of it that way, really, but I see what you mean that Piers was kind of the instigator (is that the right word?) towards Chris. Thank you for saying so. :)
ShevaGiulia: Thank you! Yeah, there are times when chapters kind of suffer, but I appreciate you saying that this is my best so far, it means a lot. I think Claire is my second favorite too, right behind Sheva. Claire or Hunnigan, I don't know. Haha, Piers is a hottie but Sheva loves another. The typical love triangle, yeah? Sheva does have a lot of guys on her back and she's lucky they're all good looking, hahaha. Thank you! :)
wolfspiritqueen: It's really hard when it's a close friend to stab you in the back. Anyways, I'm glad you like the brother/sister bond between Chris and Claire. I'm not even that close with either of my brothers! I'm starting to love the JillXCarlos pairing so much. Thank you. :)
So, I wanted to ask you all if you would mind if I took a break from this story for a short time? I'm thinking about a month's break, which I don't think is excessive really, but I want to make sure nobody would mind. I've kinda hit a stalemate with this fan fiction and I think if I take some time, I'll get more enthusiastic about it after a break. So, yeah, please let me know if that's all right. :)
-Sarai
