Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter! It does not matter how many times I wish for that to be the case! I do not own Harry Potter!
A/N: Hello, lovely readers. It's Captain Evil here! Now, please keep your anguished reviews polite. If you don't know what I mean right now, you will by the end of this chapter. Just remember, things WILL look up.
Please don't hate me!
Hopefully enjoy? xx
"Lily, babe?"
I'm woken up at six with He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named knocking on my door.
"What do you want, Diggory?"
"Ready to go down to breakfast?"
"I'm going down later."
"Oh, well, seeing as we're a couple now-"
"Diggory I strongly advise you not to finish that sentence."
"Why? Scared your precious Potter's going to find out?"
"Oh go hug a cactus." I snap, burrowing my head deeper under the covers.
"Alice!" I shriek, running up to embrace my best friend.
"Lily! How was your Christmas?"
"It was fine." I lie, smile only a little forced.
"How's James?"
"He decided to…stay at home for a bit longer. How's Frank?"
I try my best to divert the conversation from mentions of my holidays, and soon Alice is enjoying herself gossiping about something scandalous that happened with her neighbour's daughter and the new postman.
"And then Jessica says that he wasn't really a postman-"
Nodding and smiling in all the right places, I manage to interrupt her when she pauses for breath.
"Were Sirius and…that lot on the train?"
"Yeah, we were in the same compartment. Sirius hung back to check something though, so they'll probably be through in a minute."
"Right." My stomach starts to ache with nerves, and I start bouncing on the balls of my feet.
"Shall we go then?" We link arms like we used to when we were younger and walk down into the Entrance Hall.
It's him.
James and Sirius are standing in the Entrance Hall, James with his back to me, talking with Professor McGonagall quietly. Sirius looks up as we walk in, his face breaks into a grin, and I let go of Alice to run over and hug him.
"You okay Lilybug?"
"Mm…you?"
"Alright."
We break apart and I jump in surprise as James' voice rises to a shout.
"Him? It can't be him! You can't leave Lily with him!"
Professor McGonagall's voice becomes stern as she reprimands him, and Sirius turns back to me.
"What's going on?"
"James quit being Head Boy. Now I'm sharing with Diggory."
I murmur, internally surprised that James didn't tell his best friend, and Sirius' face goes blank.
"Sirius?" I frown, confused, but he ignores me, turning on his heel, striding over to James and grabbing James' arm, pulling him towards the stairs.
"Sorry to interrupt, Professor, but it's urgent. Bye Alice. I'll see you in a bit, Lils."
Alice mumbles goodbye, but I'm speechless as I hear James sigh, and watch as he turns around. For a second, his hazel eyes lock onto mine just for a second, and I freeze, transfixed, then he ducks his head and follows Sirius up the now-moving staircase.
We don't talk, James and I. We don't share a room anymore, we don't sit together in many of our classes, and I don't hang around with him at the weekends. James swaggers around, back to his old ways, hexing Slytherins for the fun of it and declaring to anyone who'll listen that he's so glad that he's not Head Boy anymore, because it's so boring and you can't have any fun.
He doesn't mention me. Not once.
I surround myself with my friends, mainly Alice, and I laugh, I joke, I do all of my homework the night I get it and start studying for the NEWTs that are happening in May. On the Friday night before the first Hogsmeade visit, Benji Fenwick asks me out, and I accept, tired of being on my own all the time and wanting to try and move on. So we go out, we go to Honeydukes and the Three Broomsticks, and then walk back. There's no adventure, no playing in the snow or sprinting up the hill, or eating your bodyweight in chocolate or laughing until your stomach hurts. He walks me back to my common room, kisses me on the cheek and leaves me be; a perfect gentleman. I go upstairs, get changed, and don't move for the rest of the day, wracked with guilt because James didn't go with anyone to Hogsmeade.
The day before my birthday, I fall over in the Hall, and James catches me.
"Woah! Are you…" He falters as he sees that it is me, and I brush off my robes.
"Excuse me."
As soon as he's out of sight I go to the toilet, and lean against the door, taking deep breaths until I'm composed enough to go to lessons.
I don't cry.
My birthday's a small affair; I get presents from Alice, Frank, Marlene, and Sirius, Remus and Peter, though they don't say that they are from them. I just know.
I go on another date with Benji Fenwick. He's great; funny, charming, smart, brave and laid-back.
He's just nothing like…but I promised myself I wouldn't think about him.
I don't cry.
February comes in what feels like a day, and Benji and I are sort of dating. I get him chocolate for his birthday and he gets me chocolate for mine, and I take off the charm bracelet and put it at the bottom of my drawer. I start spending even more time with Frank and Alice, even though the sight of them kissing sends a pang through my stomach.
I keep avoiding James.
I break up with Benji.
I don't cry.
I throw myself into my schoolwork.
I come top of the class, again and again.
I stop smiling.
I start skipping meals to go to the library.
My clothes are all suddenly too big.
The charm bracelet stays at the bottom of my drawer.
And I take comfort in the fact that I don't cry.
On Valentine's Day, I quickly excuse myself in Charms, and get to the bathroom just in time. Running into the first empty bathroom, I vomit, emptying my already empty stomach, coughing ad spitting and spluttering.
"Evans? Flitwick asked me to come and see if you were okay."
James.
"I'm fine." I choke out, wiping my eyes and mouth on a piece of toilet paper.
"Are you sure? Do you need to go to the Hospital Wing?"
His voice is quiet, unsure, but he can't help but let a little concern seep into his voice. I bow my head, not letting the tears fall. They can't. Not yet.
"No. I'm fine."
I hear his footsteps fade off down the corridor, and I slump down against the closed door of the stall for a minute, then stand up and go to the sinks, washing my face.
"Lils? James sent me. Are you okay?"
"Alice." I croak, and she comes into the bathroom, takes one look at me and pulls me into a hug, rubbing my back reassuringly.
"Oh you poor thing. Do you need to go to the Hospital Wing?"
"No, I'll be fine. I just need some fresh air."
"Anytime. I'll let Professor Flitwick know."
"Thank you, Alice."
"Anytime. I'll see you in a bit, okay?"
I leave the bathroom and walk, down past the Charms classroom where Alice enters, down two flights of stairs, out across the courtyard, over the bridge, and down to near the gamekeeper's hut.
Sitting down at the beech tree beside the Black Lake, I sit very still for a moment, listening to the sounds of the trees swaying and the Giant Squid splashing around in the lake, focusing on them the way that James told me to when I get upset or start to panic.
It's not working.
I want to go home, but I haven't got one anymore.
Hogwarts is my home, but it's not even really that anymore.
The air is cold and crisp, and I shudder violently, pulling my robes tighter around me. As much as I know that I should go back up to class, I can't bring myself to, so I stay sitting at the foot of the vast tree. My lip starts to bleed from where I've started biting it, and I absent-mindedly reach for my pocket to fiddle with my wand.
Then I start to think.
I think about my mum, and my dad, and how much I miss them, and how they're gone because of the Death Eaters.
I think about Petunia and how me being magical drove us apart.
I think about James and how much he's hurt me.
I think about how tired I am, tired of feeling the way I'm feeling and it's all because of magic.
I throw my wand as far as I can away from me.
Pulling off my wizarding robe, I let it drop it to the ground.
"I don't deserve this."
My voice is quiet, but sure, carried away by the wind.
"And I don't want it either."
And then the tears come.
She-who-loves-fanfiction xx
