Dedication: Happy Birthday, Dad. Miss you. Love you. Always. This story has evolved in a small way into a love letter to you because I want you to know that I too am working on overcoming my grief and guilt with your passing. But just like the heroine of this story, we will continue to rise from the ashes and persist on. – your emu/cheppa


Chapter section theme: Rebuilding burned bridges. No beta- so sorry for any mistakes! Please enjoy this next installment of the Phoenix.


Chapter 17 (cont'd)

We heard Jess before we saw her. "Alright, Paul, when should I expect Jared to arrive? And how on earth did you find us so fast?" When she came into view as we hooked a right into the entry way to the kitchen, her appearance was a stark contrast to her pointed questions. A halo of tangled brown waves were scrunched around the base of her neck. Obviously, her nap had been interrupted recently- her skin was flushed, and on closer inspection her breathing was labored. Had she run here? But how had she known Paul had-

I whipped my head around the kitchen and found Garrett and Benjy nestled in the corner furthest away from the confrontation. The grin Garrett flashed at me gave me the impression he was the perpetrator of stirring up this pot of drama. I was about to roll my eyes…but then recalled him asking me if I was interested in rekindling my friendships with them. The help was in a sense appreciated but the pit in my stomach let it be known that fixing both at one time was not an ideal situation. But was Paul even an option at this point?

"It wasn't hard to put two and two together between my last conversation with Bella the Vampire slayer," Paul shifted his cold gaze towards me, and I shuttered at his mocking tone when saying that nickname. "And the invitation you left on the desk in your bedroom."

Jessica's eyes narrowed. "You went through my room?"

"Don't act surprised. You disappear and expect us not to look for clues to your whereabouts? Next time burn the damn evidence or at least take it with you." Paul shook his head. "What a pair of best friends the both of you make. Abandoning your friends and family without a second thought for the cheap thrills of putting your lives on the line." The disgust in his words and his hard stare flicking between us both pushed me right on the edge of my self-control.

This was Jessica's battle. I knew that. But the thought of letting him get away with that last sentence without saying anything was impossible for me to do.

"Abandoned?" I questioned, and then repeated with a harsh whisper. "Abandoned?" I threw my arms open. "What fucking family did I abandon?" My chest heaved through my harsh breathing as I worked myself up. Sure, I recently considered both Paul and Jess to be my family, but I in no way expected them to reciprocate those feelings. If we were talking about my real blood family… "I am an only child abandoned by both parents. By my father with his death, and my mother with her negligence and selfish nature. I have no family to abandon, Paul. And you sure as hell know I did not abandon my friends. I came here for me. None of you were left alone. You had the pack. I am sorry and will say it as much as I need to, but don't fucking tell me I abandoned anyone!"

I was not fucking Edward. I was not my father for the years of absence when I was growing up and the little effort he put in to connect with me. I was not Renee who when given space from me, didn't have the motherly drive or instinct to stick around with me after Charlie's funeral or even attend my high school graduation. I was not them. I did not abandon them- Jess or Paul. They were in my heart as I carried on here at the Order.

Then it struck me as if lightning came from the sky and jolted me to wake up and witness the truth.

In reality, I was no better than Charlie or Renee. Perhaps, the apple didn't fall too far from the tree after all. Saying Paul and Jess were always with me in my heart was an inexcusable justification for my actions of abandonment. As I am sure Charlie and Renee may have had the same excuse to themselves as they took time to work on themselves. Charlie working to come back from a broken heart and marriage. Renee putting herself first as usual.

My lips trembled. I was the same. I abandoned my friends without a second thought to work on myself and never thought how it would affect them. I just thought of me.

I swallowed my pride to tune back into the shouting match Jess and Paul had now entered about the abandonment issue still. This time Jess was making her own case.

"- he can slip away for days if Jake needs him to fight some vampires, but if I do the same, I am the issue? I am abandoning him? This is such a sick and twisted toxic male perception on the same scenario." Jess crossed her arms around her chest.

"He can go toe to toe with a goddamn vampire! It's not the fucking same when you are human, and you know it!"

"Might I interrupt here?" Garrett announced, an amused expression on his face. "I am going to have to challenge your guest here, Bella, on his incorrect assumption." Garrett gestured towards me, out stretching his hand. Was I supposed to take it? I stepped forward without a second thought ready to grab it when I was cut off from my advance with a gust of wind. In Garrett's outstretched pale palm now laid the hilt of Bulat. My eyes widened before perceiving Benjy now leaning back on the wall several feet between the standoff of myself, Garrett, Paul and Jess. He was sporting a wide smirk with eyes that gleamed we were in for a show. Benjy threw a wink at me before I directed my attention back to Garrett. "Shall we show your friend that with the right weapon and training that you can not only match a vampire head on, but also defeat one?" A shiver trailed my spine at his suggestion as my heart swelled. I swallowed after allowing myself to soak in this moment, that question from him. It might have been an awful thought to have. But if temporarily abandoning my friends allowed me to have this, this bond with Garrett, perhaps there was a bigger purpose for my decision.

"Paul, I am not the same fighter you trained." I retrieved Bulat. I relished this feeling of being at home in my hand. "I am way fucking better and stronger."

My audience, Paul and Jess, were stunned obviously by my flawless execution of matching Garrett blow for blow in the field, our battle ground. My speed was parallel to his. We moved with crisp precision in our attacks. His physical blows I barely dodged at the last second when Bulat soared in his direction.

My jaw dropped as Garrett wound Bulat's chain around his arm like spooling yarn. When the slack remaining allowed the curved metal end of Bulat to be cradled in his hand, he waved Bulat at me in a taunting fashion. I moved before any game plan could flash in my mind. I was running too high on adrenaline to feel any pain from earlier when Garrett managed to land a solid punch to my abdomen.

But, absorbing the punch was worth it as in the aftermath I reclaimed my hold on the chain. I grinned to myself. Garrett had promised I would defeat a vampire in my showcase of skills, so I couldn't let him down. I was winding up for my kill shot, ready to make a last-ditch effort to charge Garrett and slice him up – he would recover quickly and the demonstration would prove his point.

"That was sloppy as fuck, Bella. How are you supposed to impress your friends with this shit show?" I heard Jack bellow. I couldn't afford to waste even a glance in his direction as I was still in the midst of a fight. "That's enough!" He roared. "That's not going to be enough to convince them. You there." I turned to confront him for stopping us when I saw him point at Jess. She raised her brows as she blinked in response. "Let's show you what it is we do for training and the pup can watch to understand that vampires should always fear me, not the other way around."

For this turn of events and still needing to respect Jack as my teacher, I yielded to stop my fight with Garrett to watch Jessica train with Jack.

"I think we got the point across," Garrett remarked offhand, seemingly agreeing with Jack's change in plans. I looked back to Paul who now seemed impressed but also weary. He likely knew he wouldn't be able to stop any of this from happening, he was outnumbered if he picked a real fight. Jessica jumped up and shook her head vigorously, accepting Jack's offer. I stepped forward, assuming Jack was going to instruct me as the example.

"Not you," Jack sneered in my direction. "Her." He nodded his head in Jessica's direction. "She should experience firsthand." Garrett waved goodbye before disappearing with Benjy. I trudged back to the benches to sit with Paul. But not too close.

My eyes strained from barely blinking as I was intent on not missing a second of Jack's instruction to Jessica on basic form when it came to fighting. This session was already vastly different from my first one on one with Jack back in May. On top of that, a part of me could not help but wonder how she bypassed the warm welcome I had received from the others when I first came to the manor. In her meeting Jack, Peyton, and the Wainwright brothers shortly after her arrival, there was the notable absence of sneers, mocking glances or snide remarks. And now, Jack barked instructions without the fine trimming of any insults directed towards her. Ones I was accustomed to hearing in every training session with him. An odd pain surfaced in my stomach.

When Jess turned toward me after successfully defending a punch from Jack, I forced myself to nod in approval while fighting back a grimace. Not that I wanted Jess to endure the same hardships as me upon arriving here, but still, witnessing her coast along just fine unsettled me. I wanted her here, and now what? Was I resenting her for it?

"Good job."

The pain stabbed me again. Are you kidding me? I blanched as my thoughts scrambled to understand what I had just heard. From Jack. To Jessica. I could literally feel my blood pressure rising. He complimented Jessica. And yet not once, had he ever uttered any words of praise towards me. I raised my right hand in the air and opened my palm to the sky, releasing my sanity with it.

What the actual fuck? It's her first fucking day! My nostrils flared out as the anger within me took on a life of its own. Why was I not ever granted this same praise? Had I not earned it? I had a fucking Arca for fucks sake. Yet she handles one measly punch from him, and Jack has "good job" suddenly in his vocabulary arsenal? I flexed my fingers before standing up. Forcing enthusiasm for her success while she continued to train seemed impossible for me now despite it being the right thing to do. My anger didn't deserve to be directed at her. Possibly at Jack. But maybe more towards myself because Jack must not have deemed me worthy of his audible praise.

As I turned to make my exit I heard, "Where do you think you are going, Bella?" Jack's rough voice summoned me to face him and the consequences of letting my feelings get the better of me.

I scowled before replying, "Water. I am parched."

"Sit the fuck back down. You want a goob job, then earn it," he sneered. "You were knocked out your first lesson with me."

"That didn't count!" I snapped back, and he knew it. Despite his hard expression, his icy blue eyes gleamed with a 'Got ya!'. As if he caught me or wanted to confirm what I was pissed off about. When not focused on Jack, my gaze ping-ponged around the vicinity, avoiding any direct eye contact with Jess. This was just embarrassing, and he was delighted knocking down my self-confidence…in front of her.

"Failure breeds failure," Jack snidely remarked. "Unless I train it out of you." My middle finger flipped up before I could even think about my reaction. I didn't need to put up with this. Jess was doing fine without me and exceeding Jack's expectations and earning 'good jobs', so I clearly wasn't needed. I strode off before I could further make a fool of myself in front of her. And Paul.

A nice stroll through the forest was just what I needed. It cleared my head and allowed me to return to being a reasonable person once again. As the tree lines were breaking, I was surprised to find Jessica leaning against the last tree along my intended path. As I approached, her posture wilted before my eyes. I hesitated on stepping towards her slumped body as she dragged her back against the trunk of the tree. She sat on the grass and the silence between us unnerved me. Jess wasn't the silent type. But I understood why that might be the case after me blowing up at Jack.

I rocked back and forth in my boots, unsure of myself and how to proceed. How was I supposed to explain to her my mini meltdown that stemmed from selfishness earlier? Typical Bella. Always selfish. Yet, I decided to try with simple. "I am sorry for what happened back there. It was a me issue, but I should not have let it come to a head during your training session with Jack. Sorry." With her forced nod of agreement, it was easy to infer I had failed to convince her. Worry lined her forehead, most likely mirroring my own. It was a bare minimum apology and we both knew it.

Slowly, Jessica rose to her feet and proceeded to walk towards me with her hands behind her back. Those blue eyes finally trained on me were clouded with apprehension before she squeezed them shut. She stopped moving closer.

I had to say something, but any words of comfort or a heartfelt apology failed to sound reasonable.

The look in her eyes – betrayal, resentment, confusion – it hit me like a physical blow.

I truly hated myself as I couldn't force myself to look away. I had to endure this punishment. Everything unsaid was building up and we were ignoring it. Jess was here and I was fucking squandering it. I refused to let myself destroy our relationship any longer. This was going to have to be the therapy session I never wanted. I was going to force myself to dig deep and bare it all to her. Every little thing I hardly let myself confront or acknowledge. Otherwise, I would be making the first real dent in destroying our relationship.

I lowered my butt to the ground, closing my eyes before I was comfortably seated. I patted the space next to me, only having the courage to rasp, "please". In the darkness of my mind, I reached out to my grief, granting it permission to see the light of day. To share it with someone else for once. A true, raw emotion I thought only I could bear the burden of.

"The pack were like a Dad surrogate to me," I admitted to Jess, assuming she was next to me and didn't leave me as I would deserve. "And here I think I have projected that a bit on Jack. I mean, it's stupid. They are nothing like my Dad. At all. But having a male figure who encourages me or praises me, those small moments mean more to me then they should. With Jack, he grunts or nods his approval. Never..." I paused, my cheeks burned at my shame. "Has he said any verbal praise to me. It's stupid." A tear trailed my right cheek, but I ignored it. "I shouldn't need it, but I want the validation. The pride from him. And then you, such a bad ass, comes on day one and impresses him- something I have yet to do. It hurts." More tears leaked out of my eyes, but I just embraced my vulnerability for once. "All I have is this training keeping me going and hoping my life has a purpose to it." Mild pressure from the heel of a palm rotated in circles on my upper back. "I was a bitch back there. The bad kind though, not the good kind. I stole your moment from you because of my selfishness and insecurity. I am a mess. I cry myself to sleep every night. I am holding myself together by a thread that is this training. You did nothing wrong." I shook my head at my clarity. "I made the wrong choice. I should have told you about the invitation. I knew it then too. But I was afraid to share the burden of my guilt and grief with anyone." I tipped my head up, opening my eyes to squint at the sun in the cloudless sky. The blinding light searing my eyes helped me continue. "I needed to rely on myself. Do it myself. I-"

"That's the problem," Jessica interrupted. "Yes, you can do that on your own, but you don't have to. I am here for you." Her voice didn't come from behind me. I craned my neck back down to find her sitting in front of me. She mirrored me in having her own tears to shed. Yet there was still a firm pressure on my back, soothing me as I confessed my failures.

I stretched my neck and turned my head to the side. My chest inflated as my eyes assessed the dark hand now resting on my shoulder. I looked up to see Paul with the kindest smile he has ever offered me on his face. "I am here for you too."

My reply clogged in my throat. For too long I had controlled myself to keep these useless thoughts in a cage no one could access, not even myself.

I turned around and threw myself in Paul's arms, burying my face in his oddly clothed chest. "I am sorry I abandoned you both," I blubbered into the fabric of his white shirt. "And I missed you guys. I am sorry." Paul patted my head as I freed my emotions and bared my all-consuming grief and guilt to them.

After the day's earlier events where I made real amends with my friends, we split up for some alone time before dinner. Jessica planned to nap again. Paul was going to check in with the Pack, and also it seemed that Peyton, who had once encountered a werewolf, wanted to discuss more of the Quileute shapeshifting history. My plan was to resummon my composure in my bedroom after the heart breaking and healing heart-to-heart I had with Jessica and Paul. Well, until I had an unexpected visitor.

"Bella, can I come in?"

Curious to Garrett's unexpected visit, I tried to tone down my eagerness as I replied, "Sure."

As his tall frame entered through the doorway, I oddly remembered Jessica's question from earlier of why I didn't associate Garrett like Jack as a father figure. The way his brows raised and the left corner of his mouth hitched, my eye's assessment of him wasn't subtle.

I narrowed my eyes at him in refusal to speak on why I was staring. He could make his own assumptions for all I care.

"Jack did it for you. To help you."

"What are you talking about?"

"I am sure Jessica did perform a good job, but Jack purposely goaded you."

"What the fuck? Why?"

"To break you mentally." My jaw dropped. No, he did not!

"WHAT?"

Garrett's face shifted from serious to lighthearted. "Not really," he teased. "He was pushing you to confront your issues. I think he has realized you won't be able to cut out your heart and become an emotionless robot like some of us. So, he figured forcing you to confront your emotional roadblocks will help with your training. Though, I doubt he realized how big of a breakthrough you actually made."

I squirmed under his gaze. "Did you, um, overhear everything?"

His knowing smirk made me cringe. I couldn't help but look down, unable to meet his ruby eyes anymore.

"But he sees her potential as she is similar to you. If she wishes to stay, Maximus may let her try to bond with Carl's Arca."

My brain's processing power froze. It was too soon to pass on his weapon. "Doesn't he have a next of kin who should inherit it?"

"He was an only child. The last of his line. And it is what he would have wanted. He always bemoaned how we needed a female member. Then you came. I know he would be too pleased if Jessica is worthy of Soleil." My lips twisted into a sad smile as I nodded in agreement. Garrett patted my back in comfort. Then, his hand began to rub tiny circles on my upper back. Just as Paul had done earlier. My back stiffened in response with his cold touch spreading along the curve of my spine.

"You don't like this from me, but you don't mind from the shapeshifter," he murmured thoughtfully before the pressure disappeared from my back. It didn't go unnoticed by me that he knew Paul's name but chose not to say it.

I shifted uncomfortably on my feet. "Well, it's not that. You're just…not the touchy-feely type. It surprised me."

Garrett raised a brow, prodding me to continue. "The Pack have always been a touchy-feely type," I amended, a touch of awkwardness to my voice.

"Or is he that way because he likes you?" I slapped my forehead, shaking my head before laughing. "He imprinted, so that's impossible." For the first time, him imprinting wasn't a slice to the heart because Paul was still Paul. I wasn't erased from his life. He still saw me as his friend.

"Imprinted?" He questioned back to me, his tone curious.

"Their version of finding a mate. Geez, what are the odds that so many people around me have mates?" Garrett scoffed. "Fate has a twisted sense of humor."

"You don't want one, trust me."

I snorted. "Edward called me his 'mate' until he dumped me in the woods. Did your supposed 'mate' dump you too, Garrett?" I joked with him. He rolled his eyes, but I could sense he was going to humor me and explain unlike last time when he became so testy on the subject.

"No. I haven't met her yet. I know where we can cross paths though." My eyes widened as Garrett's body voluntarily shuttered. "I detest the fact I get no say in this. I am about options. And do I look like the type to settle down?"

I smothered a laugh as Garrett attempted to smolder me. I flashed him a grin. "I concur. You don't seem like the 'I want a mate' type."

"You either," he commented casually, but when I caught his gaze again, there was a depth of vulnerability in his red eyes that caught me off guard.

"You don't seem like you would have time to wine and dine someone either with all the Order business." Garrett tsked at my response.

"Bella, you forget we don't need sleep. I have 24 hours in a day. While the humans sleep, the vampires can play." My heart tripped over itself with his response. I was confused why this news would upset me in the slightest.

"So, you have a lover's tryst going on now then?" I asked despite myself

Garrett huffed a laugh. "No. God, no. And I don't even believe in God."

I cracked a smile, despite myself, again.

"No, there are complications with the woman I am interested in."

"You would just be one of many lovers?" I mocked.

"She isn't ready for anything romantic." I bit my lip, recalling a familiar conversation when Paul had confessed his feelings after graduation.

Basing my experience off that, I told Garrett, "That's a smart decision. Not only for her, but yourself. You shouldn't risk your undead heart until she is capable of giving you what you deserve."

"You assume she will feel the same?" My head tilted to the side as I studied Garrett's face. How could he doubt any female or male vampire would say yes to him? Every vampire was beautiful, but Garrett was a catch. He had a quiet reserved nature about him, but every conversation with him I had was meaningful.

"How could she not?"

He smiled at me, a genuine smile that cracked my heart a fraction of an inch.

"Indeed, how could she not?" His hand returned to my back. If I was going to be provided a second free back massage today, I wanted this one laying down. I reached behind my back and grabbed his hand, pulling him with me to my bed. I flopped down on my belly and turned my head to the side. He was looking down at me with a funny expression on his face.

"I like medium to hard pressure," I instructed, resisting my urge to smile wider.

"You might be getting spoiled."

"When it comes from you, it's long overdue and well deserved."

"Sure," he reasoned before both hands glided over my shoulders.

I hummed in pleasure as I relaxed into his cold, delicious touch along my back.

"Bella, you snore. Wake up." My nap was interrupted, and I was very unhappy with Garrett. Before I could request five more minutes I heard, "Maximus has returned. And the other shapeshifter has arrived."

I shook my head, attempting to dispel the head fog before pulling myself out of bed. Garrett was standing by my bedside, and in the doorway was Benjamin, wearing a grave expression on his dark face.