A/N: This chapter hurts a lot. Thank you for all the love. :)
"Grief is the price we pay for love." - Queen Elizabeth the II
November 23rd, 2009
He imagined this is what it felt like to be a pebble in a torrential river; being flung from corner to corner like a wet rag as powerful cascades of fluid smacked him against debris and pushed him further and further downstream. Perhaps it would've suited Hotch better to be a large rock. To simply sit still while the whole world rushed and panicked around him; the water pressure rooting him further into the riverbed, determining him to never leave.
In both cases, it felt like drowning. Now, he wanted nothing more than to just swim his way out of the water altogether.
Time crumbled to a halt as he held her in his arms, her limp, lifeless, bloodied corpse.
Haley.
His first love.
The woman who'd put up with so much. Too much.
A woman entirely undeserving of death at his hands.
Jack's mother.
Jack.
Every second became harder to breathe as he gagged on his own sobs. It was his one job as a husband and father. Keep the family together; be the rock they could cling to in hardship, provide love and safety and protect them at all costs. Well… He'd failed in all three areas.
Aaron had been anything but a rock to Haley and Jack for the last twelve months. He was the murky water that occasionally washed over every few days, displacing them to places they didn't want to be, stirring up a whole array of emotions that seemingly never needed to be brought up.
Ruining the perfect relationship Jack and Haley had together.
He didn't know how he could do it without Haley. How Jack would cope. How he'd tell him his mom had gone to heaven and wouldn't come back. What sorts of questions would his son ask as he got older? How would he answer those questions without her there to guide him by his side? Because the reality was, Haley had been more of a rock to Jack than he himself ever had. She had always been there to sooth the tantrums, nurse him through his illnesses, provided their little boy comfort whenever he needed it. She was the constant that Jack needed.
How the fuck did he live up to that standard?
How could he be the father that he never was to begin with?
Why the fuck was this even happening?
"I'm so sorry, honey," the whisper hardly escaped past his trembling jaw. "I'm so sorry for everything…" It felt like a curse leaving his lips. Saying sorry, even in death, couldn't repair all the damage he'd done. It never would.
Aaron wished more than anything that he could trade his life for hers. It would have still been painful for both Jack and Haley with him dead. But at least she'd still be alive. To think that if that was what happened, having a second chance at love and the freedom to raise Jack without ever having to worry about hiding away from psychotic serial killers targeting her ex-husband's family. God… Imagine that, having a normal life.
With the gentlest of kisses to her forehead, Aaron hesitantly pulled away, gently laying her to the cold, blood-soaked carpet beneath before glancing up at the coroner standing in the doorway of their old bedroom. So many memories were shared in this very room; late night's giggling and reminiscing, arguments, making love, night feedings with Jack as a baby, getting ready for date nights, taking care of each other while they were sick.
Aaron never thought he'd have to say his last goodbye to her in the same room. It was a nightmare he had never hoped let alone imagined would ever take place in this very house.
"Please take care of her," he choked out, never letting his hand leave her side until the coroner crouched beside him and gloved up. He felt sick to his stomach, the mere thought of just leaving her there, alone. He didn't want that for her. "Keep her company."
The old man swallowed, patting him on the shoulder with the saddest of smiles. "I promise she'll be in the very best care… I'm incredibly sorry for your loss."
Hotch nodded, trying to find the courage to let go of her hand.
He couldn't manage it. Until he thought of his little boy… Downstairs with JJ, probably confused as all hell wondering where his mother and father were. Haley wouldn't want that either, especially after today.
He let go. Closing his eyes as he tearfully backed his way out of the room.
Emily was just outside the door, her expression nothing but pain as she hopelessly glanced him up and down. In an instant, he fumbled into her arms, burying his entire face in the crook of her neck as his head ached and throbbed. He didn't know what he was supposed to be doing anymore, it almost felt like he was playing himself in a video game in the third person, not knowing how to use the controls.
"We're all here for you," she croaked, and Hotch squeezed her tight. That's all he could seem to manage to do. It was like his head was an echo-chamber of guilt, grief and shame, the pressure of it all increasing with each second.
"Where's Jack?" He asked softly, pulling away to rub at the newly formed scab on his nose bridge.
"In the backyard with JJ. He's okay. He's playing."
Aaron nodded, swallowing his grief as he thought about how he was gonna do this. Was it even the right time? Would it better to tell him in a different place? Would he understand? "I don't know how to do this… What on earth am I supposed to say to him?"
Her expression crumbled as she gently grasped his swollen hand. "You'll find a way."
With her help easing the shakiness as he descended the stairs, Aaron saw his little boy through the window to the backyard. He was on the ground, innocently playing with his little toy soldiers. His eyes stung with a grateful smile. He wanted to thank whatever lord was out there that his baby was completely unharmed. Losing Haley had kicked him into the gutter, but if he'd lost Jack too… There would really be no reason to live.
But he'd thankfully been spared. The threat separating them for months was at last non-existent and it almost felt criminal to even approach his wee boy. He'd grown so much since he'd last seen him. Not just physically, but emotionally too. Haley had been incredible in essentially raising him to be such a mature and sweet boy for his age.
Emily lingered behind as he opened the back door. Immediately, he crouched down with his arms wide open as his son spotted and bolted straight into him with the biggest smile. Hotch just wanted to spend the rest of the day like this, in the tranquillity of his son. "Hi Daddy…"
Aaron didn't resist the tears as he smiled. "Hi buddy… I missed you so much."
"I missed you too."
After planting a long and tender kiss to his son's cheek, Hotch pulled away. Naturally, Jack asked about the streams of tears and blood splatted at various places along his battered body. "Come sit on the grass with me, Buddy… Daddy has to tell you something really important, okay?"
"Okay," Jack answered, taking his dad's hand as they walked to the end of the backyard. Hotch wanted him to be away from all the noise and distraction out front as much as possible. After taking a seat near one of Haley's garden plots, Hotch motioned for his son to come and sit in his lap.
Fuck… Where did he even begin?
"Jack… I just want to tell you that you've been so brave and strong like a superhero today and for all the time that you were away with mommy. Daddy is so proud of you. Do you know that?"
Jack grinned, pulling his cheek to his father's-stained shirt.
"I'm a bit sad at the moment because…" He gulped.
"Because why, daddy?"
Hotch pursed his lips together. "Mommy had a bad accident happen to her… And she had to go to heaven today."
Aaron examined his son's expression which went from concerned to completely emotionless.
He knew what it meant. They often talked about Hotch's late parents about them being in his heart. About them being in a happy place where they couldn't see them. "Was it George the bad guy?" He asked softly, his dark eyes searching his fathers.
Aaron nodded, caressing a hand through his son's golden locks. "Yes, buddy… It's okay to be sad about it, do you understand?"
Jack nodded, pulling his fingers to his mouth as he stared off into the distance. Aaron felt his chest weep. He felt so sorry for his little boy.
"You know just because mommy isn't here in person doesn't mean that she's not around. Remember how we always talk about my mommy and daddy and how they live in our hearts?" Jack hummed lightly. "Mommy's right here," he pointed to Jack's chest. "You can talk to her whenever you want, and she'll be listening. You understand?"
"And in the stars?"
"Yes buddy, and in the stars as well… Mommy loves you so much." They were silent for a few moments, Hotch pressing his chin to his little boy's head as he held him close. "Do you have any questions for daddy?"
"Are we going back on vacation?"
"No," he responded softly. "You're gonna come and stay with daddy at his apartment, okay? We're gonna bring all your toys with you, all your clothes… It's just gonna be you and me from now on, okay?"
He nodded timidly, breathing a light sigh. Hotch admired how well he was doing. To be with Haley constantly for the last however many months to suddenly not have her around and be in a familiar yet different environment… Aaron knew it was going to be a rough few weeks trying to adapt to their new reality.
How they were gonna do it, he had no idea. Everything felt so uncertain. The important thing was, he had his baby boy back in his arms. And his arch nemesis wiped off the face of the earth.
