"Are you ok?" She said, her eyes peering at me, as she kneeled beside my bed. I blinked a couple of times before I actually saw her face. I studied the familiarities and unfamiliarites and felt my heart pick up speed. Her face was pale with worry as she studied mine. "Are you alright?" She asked again and I could practically hear her thoughts. What will happen to me if she's seriously hurt or how am I going to explain this one? I smiled and nodded at her.
"Just a little dizzy. I think I need just a little bit more sleep." I said, pulling the blankets higher on my chest. I closed my eyes and thought about how just a few years ago I was in her spot; she was me back then. Well…sort of.
I sighed as I watched the snow flakes gently float towards the earth, which was already covered in a thin layer of white. Christmas was a little over a month away and already it was snowing. I smiled remembering how excited I used to get when I saw the snow. It meant endless amounts of snowball fights with my brothers and building snowmen and snow forts. But now, at 16, the snow only means colds and illness and keeping the fire going, and everyone sleeping together in the kitchen surrounding the fire.
A giggle pulled me from my thoughts and I looked towards fireplace where the two small children sat, with their heads together whispering. I smiled as I watched them attempt to fold the washing that I had given them, when all they wanted to do was go out and play in the fresh snow. They looked up at me and smiled.
"Auntie Susanna?" Her green eyes twinkled.
"Yes Aggie?" I asked, looking back down at the tub of washing.
"Will we be able to go out and play in the snow before it gets dark?" Her eyes flicked to her brother and he smiled brighter. I squinted my eyes at them and then smiled.
"You finish those and then we'll go out."
"You'll come too?" he asked, his blue eyes wide with shock.
"Of course Samuel. I love playing in the snow." I said looking out the frosty window again. "We'll have to check on your mother before we go out though." I said, looking at their faces. 4-year-old Aggie's forehead creased. She had been awake all night worried about her mother, or Debbie, while Debbie screamed and moaned as she birthed her third child. This child, unlike her last baby was alive and healthy, and a boy. Aggie has been excited when first thing this morning she got to hold her brother, but she still scampered up the stairs to check and see if her mother was warm and the baby was happy.
Samuel on the other hand paid no attention. At three years old no one would expect much more. When Jacob had let the children into the room to see them, Samuel stood beside him and watched as Aggie held out her tiny pink arms to hold the baby. I watched as Samuel inched closer to look at his brother and after getting a good look at the baby he shrugged and climbed up next to Debbie, resting his head on her shoulder and watched Aggie smile down at the baby. They were a cute little family and I knew Momma would be very proud of them. But a lot of the time I felt the weight of Aggie's secret bearing down on me. When she called me Auntie it made me cringe and I felt a pain in my heart, but knew that it was not my place to reveal the truth.
"Auntie?" Samuel said, appearing at my side. I bent down and picked him up.
"Yes darling?"
"When Christmas come?" He asked, his little teeth sparkling white.
"Soon enough." I said. "But you must be good or else no presents. So go on now and finish the folding." I said kissing his chubby cheek and setting him back on the ground. His blonde curls bounced as he raced to Aggie's side and started folding one of his father's shirts.
Half an hour later, with my assistance, the children were finished the folding and we had visited Debbie, who was starting to get her colour back. I wrapped each of the children in their wool outfits and a large fur coat, mittens and hats and we were set for the snow.
I love the feeling of the cool air on your face and the smell that the snow gives the world around you. I stood in the doorway of the kitchen and just inhaled the smell of the first snowfall. Samuel and Aggie let out two identical squeals and raced into the falling snow, his blonde curls hidden by a hat and her long black hair dancing behind her. I smiled as I watched both children plop to the ground and instantly start making snow angels. I lifted my face to the sky and stuck out my tongue.
"Auntie? What doing?" Samuel asked, pulling on my skirt. I smiled down at him, snowflakes in my eyelashes.
"Catching snowflakes on my tongue." I said.
"Why?" Aggie asked, sitting up from her snow angel.
"Because it's fun. You try." I said, showing them how to do it. I twirled in one spot, my face to the sky and the children laughed and followed along.
"This is fun." Aggie said. "But they don't have a taste." She said, smacking her tongue off the roof of her mouth. I laughed and her and picked up a pile of snow. I threw it in the air and they both squealed, following my example and started throwing snow in the air some more. Just when I wasn't expecting it a pile of snow hit me in the face. I blinked and wiped the cold off of my face and looked at Aggie's smiling face. I growled playfully and stuck out my hands.
"I'm gonna get you missy." I said racing after her. She squealed and started running away.
"Catch me! Catch me!" Samuel cried and I turned away from Aggie and chased after him. It went back and forth for 10 minutes before I got too tired and sank into the snow. Both of the children sank into the snow beside me, laughing and out of breath. I held out my covered hand and let the snow land on it.
"Look at the different shapes." I said, enticing them. They leaned in and studied the little flakes on my hand.
"None of them are the same." Aggie observed.
"Their like people then." I said and she looked at me confused. "Every single on is different." She smiled and rolled her eyes. Samuel grinned at me and then flopped onto his back starting yet another snow angel. I picked up a pile of snow and dropped it onto his face, before getting up and dashing away. As we chased each other around the yard, squealing and laughing I never noticed the person standing amongst the bushes watching us. It wasn't until Aggie almost fell into the bushes that I spotted him.
When his eyes met mine, I froze. Samuel, who was chasing me ran right into my legs and fell over. Tears formed in his eyes and his bottom lip quivered. I bent down and picked him up, comforting him yet never looking away from those eyes. Aggie inched closer to me; she too was attracted to those eyes, unable to look away. He stepped into the clearing and smiled.
"Remember me?" He said, smiling brighter. I nodded, unable to speak. "You've grown up a lot." He said, looking over me. He looked at Aggie and then his smile faded.
"Are these your children?" he asked and I couldn't help the laugh that slipped between my lips. He smirked and his eyebrow rose.
"I was just a girl when we last met, not very much older than her." I lied, but he didn't need to know.
"Well you didn't look like a girl." He said, moving closer to me. "How old are you now?"
"16, sir." I said uncomfortable by his distance. I bowed my head and looked at Aggie in the corner of my eye.
"Well, it is nice to see you again." He said catching on to my feelings he took a step back. I looked up and he smiled.
"What, if I may, are you doing here?"
"I was on my way to town and I was in a hurry so I thought I should take a shorter path, cutting through people's farms. But alas, I am lost."
"Did you walk?" I asked, shocked. If my feet were frozen from playing in the snow for almost an hour then his would be so much worse. He smiled, that same pitying smile.
"No, I tied my horse to a tree back there when I heard a shout." He looked at Aggie and smiled. "I rushed over to see if some pretty lady needing rescuing. But your sister doesn't seem so scary anymore, does she?" He asked her bending down to Aggie's level.
"She's not my sister." Aggie peeped.
"No?" He looked from her strong, determined face to my guilty one and shrugged.
"I'm her aunt." I said, trying not to show my deception. He looked from Aggie's face to mine again and smiled.
"Well, your aunt is definitely not scary, is she?" Aggie smiled and shook her head.
"Susanna?" I turned at the sound of my voice. "Who is that you have with you?" Papa said, appearing at the kitchen door.
"It is Mr. De Silva Papa, remember? The boy who travelled with the prince years ago?" I shouted walking towards him.
"So it is." Papa said, eyeing Jesse carefully. Jesse had not changed very much. In the years that we had not seen each other, he had grown a small beard and his eyes were tired. But he still had that playful crooked grin and those beautiful eyes. "Come inside for some tea." Papa said, turning and disappearing into the house. I looked at Jesse who stood beside me and he smiled.
"My father is getting worse with his hospitality as he gets older." I joked and Jesse smiled. "Bring your horse to the barn and I'll get the tea ready." He nodded and went back into the woods.
The kittle whistled as the water reached boiling and I pulled it from the fire. I added the tea leaves to the kettle and waited for the tea to steep. As the tea was just finishing voices appeared in the hallway.
"It's so good of you to stop by." Papa said as he entered the kitchen.
"It was purely coincidental." Jesse said, smiling at me. "It seems that all roads lead to your welcoming house."
"Well I'm glad to hear that it is still welcoming." Papa said, groaning as he sat in a chair by the fire. "Unfortunately, we haven't had many visitors since my wife died years ago."
"I'm sorry to hear that. Was it sudden?" He asked, a sincere crease in his forehead.
"Childbirth." Papa said, his gaze drifting off. I felt my heart quicken as that same pale expression appeared.
"But we're getting through it quite fine, aren't we Papa?" I said handing him a cup of tea.
"Oh yes, of course." He said, jumping awake from his daydream and taking the cup. Jesse nodded to me as I handed him a cup.
"Where are the children?" Jesse asked, looking around the small kitchen.
"Their mother is up stairs." I said, pouring another cup of tea for Debbie.
"She has just had a child." Papa explained and I felt my cheeks heat up. "Last night actually."
"Congratulations. How many grandchildren does that give you?"
"2 living. Would've been three but some things don't work out that way." I blanked as Jesse studied my father's face over his teacup.
"He means three. He considers Aggie his daughter because, like you've seen she and I look a lot alike." I explained, hoping that he would think my pink cheeks were from the warm fire. He studied my face and then nodded. "I should go and take this up to Debra. Papa you'll be ok?" I sent him a hidden warning, telling him not to say too much. He nodded and looked into the fire. I nodded to Jesse and left the room, feeling his eyes watch me leave the kitchen.
"Is he handsome?" Debbie asked, gritting her teeth as she tried to sit up. I smiled and shrugged.
"He's always been handsome."
"But…" She grinned at me and I sighed.
"He's more…manly now." I said, trying to hide my smile. I looked down at the baby in my arms and traced his face with my finger. He looked just like his brother, the same blonde hair, pale eyelashes, and chubby cheeks.
"What about Andrew?" Debra asked, sipping the tea delicately.
"He…he is a nice man. Kind and gentle."
"But not exciting." She said finishing my thought. I smiled at her and sighed.
"I just don't know if I could ever love him more than the way I do now. Like love him as my husband, rather than…"
"A lover?" Debra chuckled at my shocked face. "Come now Susanna, I know how cold the winter's can be and how nice it is to have a warm body on top of you, fighting that cold." I gasped.
"Debra!" She laughed again, cringing with pain. "I can say that I have never experienced that before." As I spoke my cheeks went hot and I knew they were bright red.
"Maybe not…but you've come close to it." She smirked as she held her cup to her mouth. I smiled at her and looked back at the sleeping baby.
"I'm not ready for one of these yet." I said, holding him up slightly, feeling his urine soak through the nappy. I placed him on the bed and unwrapped him like a parcel. His eyes flicked open as the cool air hit his bare skin and his bottom lip quivered. I grabbed a clean nappy that was beside my bed on the night table. Jacob had brought the children and his wife over to our house when she had started moaning about the pain. He wanted to have her close to someone, after losing their last baby. So I offered up my room, which had a small fireplace to keep them warm and slept in the kitchen with the rest of my family.
The baby let out a howl as I pinned the nappy to place and started wrapping him in a clean blanket. I passed him to his mother who opened her shirt and fed him her breast, silencing him almost instantly.
"What are you calling him?" I asked looking away, trying to give her privacy.
"Nathaniel."
"Bible names." I said, thinking of Samuel.
"I thought of your mother when I chose those names." She said quietly. Momma carried her bible with her everywhere, reciting scripture to us when we needed scolding and educating us on Jesus' trials. Papa used to make jokes about how she was meant to be a nun but had certain cravings that were forbidden in the convent. At the time I never understood why she would blush and then hit him, but now…it made me smile.
"So tell me more about this young man down stairs. I guess I should get up and meet him."
"In your state. I don't think so. You can meet him another time." I said, getting up and gathering the soiled clothes.
"You expect him to stop by again?" She asked giving me a sly smile.
"I expect so." I said smiling back and opened the bedroom door.
"Just remember, cold days normally lead to crying infants." She said laughing. I shook my head and closed the door behind me, trying to get the idea out of my mind.
Dinner came and went without a problem. Papa and Jacob talked with Jesse for hours about working in the castle as the future kings right hand man. Jesse explained for the King was very ill and wasn't expected to live for very much. He talked with great sadness of the affect that it was having on his friend, the prince. As I cleared the plates away Papa, Jacob, Bradley and David went back out to lock up the barn and get every thing ready for the next day.
"Auntie?" Samuel asked carrying the loaf of fresh bread to the oven. "Why Uncle Bradley quiet?" I looked at him with a frown. This child had a gift for sensing when someone was upset.
"I'm not sure darling, but you shouldn't ask him. It will only make him more quiet." Samuel frowned and Aggie wrapped an arm around his shoulder.
"Don't worry Sam, he's always quiet." She said and I bit back a laugh.
"Alright you two, go and get you're night gowns on." I said patting their bums as they raced by. I scrapped the left over food into a bucket and put the dishes into the tub of ice-cold water.
"You'll make a good mother one day." Jesse said, appearing beside me.
"I hope so." I said with a sigh. Then I felt my face turn pink and I bowed my head to hide my embarrassment. He chuckled.
"Here let me do that." He said taking the cloth from my hands and inching me out of the way.
"No please. You are a guest here."
"I insist." He plunged his hands into the water and gasped. "Jesus Christ that's cold." I smirked as his hands came out of the water bright red. I took the cloth from him and resumed my position.
"You mustn't say that word in this house." I said, fighting back the urge to cringe at the cold water.
"Why not?" He asked, holding out another towel. I passed him a wet dish and he dried it with the towel.
"My mother's ghost will haunt you." I said with a smirk. I looked up at him and realized how close he was to me. His eyes were brighter than I remembered. They were brighter than the sky on a clear summer day and I noticed the ring of green he had around the middle of his eye.
"Will she now?" He said, moving closer to me, his mouth in the perfect position.
"If you want to." I said without even thinking. I felt myself being sucked into his eyes, his lips, and his smile. As his lips were inches from mine, his breath on my lips, the door slammed open with a gust of wind and a snowy figure appeared in the doorway.
"My goodness it's cold out there." Said the figure rubbing his hands together. His hood dropped down, revealing his face and I smiled.
"Andrew!" I said, throwing the towel into the water and running to him. I through my arms around him and held onto him tightly. My hands were still shaking and the butterflies in my stomach were making me nauseous.
"Good to see you too." He said, holding me tightly. The coldness of his hands seeped in the fabric of my dress and shivers ran up and down my spine.
"My goodness your cold. Come and sit by the fire." I said, grabbing his ice-cold hand and leading him to the chair beside the fire. He sat down and undid his coat, which I took and hung on a wooden peg on the door. "What are you doing here?" I asked, brushing his long blonde hair back from his face, and kissed his cheek.
"I was visiting dear Gina." He said, giving me a sad smile. I frowned and turned away.
"How is she?" I asked, poking at the fire.
"She's well…the baby's fine too." He said quietly. I sighed as I studied the fire and thought about Gina. After following her Aunt's advice Gina had started flirting with boys at a young age. She would talk about how they kissed her and then it would progress to how the touched her and eventually she told me that she had let one of them take her innocence, which she really never had. Shortly after moving to town with her aunt, Gina became pregnant and was shunned by the town. She moved back in with her father, who barely spoke to her and is now raising the small little boy all on her own. My father forbade me from meeting with her and the only contact that I had from her was letters passed along threw Andrew. A cough behind me made me realize that Jesse was still there.
"Oh Andrew, this is Sir Jesse De Silva, the Prince's right hand man." I said with a smile. "Jesse this is my…Andrew." I said stopping not knowing what to call him. Andrew looked up at my briefly before getting to his feet and shaking hands with Jesse.
"I see she's got you working." He said looking at the dishes that Jesse had piled up.
"I was helping him." I defended, with a smirk. "Here you go and sit and I'll make more tea." I said, cleaning out the pot. I wrapped a shawl around my shoulders and grabbed my fur coat.
"I'll get it for you Susanna." Jesse said, avoiding looking in my eyes. "I should be going anyways."
"Oh you won't be traveling tonight mate." Andrew said, blowing on his hands. "The snow's falling too thick to see even three steps in front of you."
"Yet you made it to the door." I said, smiling at Andrew. Jesse looked from Andrew to me and that crease appeared in his forehead again.
"Well let me go and fill that for you." He said, wrapping his own coat around himself and gently taking the kettle from my hands.
"Thank you." I said quietly. He nodded, briefly looking into my eyes and left the building into the raging snowstorm.
"He seems nice." Andrew said, holding his hands to the flame. "How'd you meet?"
"It's a long and boring story." I said with a sigh. He looked at me and then smiled. He patted his knee and I shook my head with a smirk. I walked over to him and sat on his knee, wrapping my arms around his shoulders.
"I've missed you." He said, and I smirked.
"You've only been gone three days."
"That can be a long time when you're in love." He said his smile was not successful in hiding the seriousness his eyes were saying. I smiled slightly and brushed his hair back. "You do love me don't you?" He asked. I touched his unshaven cheek and studied his brown eyes.
"Of course I love you." I said. "I'll always love you." Just not in the way you want me too, I thought. He studied my face and then smiled. I bent down and kissed him gently. His familiar lips were warm and gentle, but they held none of that excitement as the first time I had kissed him. As a young girl, kissing Andrew was what I had lived for. But as I got older I lost the interest in just kissing Andrew and it started to become boring. I found myself trying to make it exciting by kissing his neck or running my hands all over him. But eventually Andrew realized how fast it was moving and would grab onto my hands stopping me from what I was trying to do.
This time was no different. As I felt myself want more, my tongue dipped into his mouth and he met mine with a gentle greeting. I ran my fingers threw his hair, giving it a slight tug, which I knew he liked because he would grab my waist tighter and pull me closer. His breath would pick up and a hardness would form in his groin. One time, I attempted to follow Gina's advice and touch him, help him as she called it. He got so mad at me that he didn't talk to me for a whole week. It was then that I realized we were not compatible.
I broke the kiss and stood up, sighing as I went back to the washbasin. He looked at me concerned, confused as to why I suddenly ended the passion. I avoided looking at his face and focused on the dishes.
"Did Gina give you a letter for me?" I asked my eyes flicked up to his confused expression.
"No. She said she's been too busy to write." He mumbled, touching his lip still trying to figure it out. I sighed and placed the last dish on the towel to air dry. The door opened causing snow and cold air to enter the kitchen, along with 5 snow covered bodies.
"Susanna, put the kettle on." Papa ordered. "Make it a full pot we're gonna have a full house tonight." He said, tearing off his hat and throwing it on the table. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, telling myself not to get angry.
"Papa has invited Jesse to stay the night." David explained, as he brushed the snow out of his damp red hair. I looked at Jesse horrified and he could do nothing but share the same look.
"Oh, well of course. You wouldn't want to ride back in that weather." I said giving my best smile. He held out the pot for me and I took it, shivering as his hand touched mine.
"We'll sleep in this room tonight." Papa said. "So you should bring all the blankets and pillows you can find."
"All of us?" I asked, looking at the 6 men who were staring back at me.
"Yes Susanna all of us."
"I'll sleep with the children upstairs." Jacob said, as if that was what I was worried about.
"Ok, well…I'll go and um…" I said, turning and leaving the kitchen. How was I supposed to sleep with Andrew and Jesse in the same room?
I dressed in my night gown, but threw one of my mother's old cardigan's over my night gown so I wouldn't be too revealing. I grabbed all the blankets and pillows I could find, which wasn't very much and we set up sleeping arrangements on the floor in the kitchen. Pap laid closest to the fire, with David and Bradley beside him, and then Andrew, Jesse and Me. We surrounded the fire, each trying to get as warm as possible.
The men fell asleep rather quickly. Papa was the first to drift off, followed by my brothers and then Andrew. But Jesse I knew was not sleeping. It was his breath that was focusing on and his breath was the only one that wasn't deep and dream like. I opened my eyes and looked at his face. Just as I did this, his eyes opened too and he stared at me. I don't know what caused the smile to break over my face but it did and he smiled back. I lifted my head and looked at the others, Andrew who was pressed so close to me that I was practically sweating from his body heat. I turned back and watched him study my face.
He gently reached out his hand and I gently held on to it. A spark ignited in me when his skin touched mine and I knew that no one would ever be able to make me feel this way.
