I sat by the window and stared at the melting snow that was falling off of the trees. The sun had come out a lot more and the birds were singing louder than they had over the past winter months. I wrapped the blanket around my shoulders and pulled my knees up to my chest, as I had done when I was a young girl.
I was alone now. Margret had left shortly after I had pretended to be asleep. I rubbed my hands along my arms and studied the grounds below. I watched as dogs raced back and fourth, anxious for the days hunt to start. I saw three soldiers mount their horses and then there was a flurry of red. I sighed as the familiar feelings of anger and hatred filled my body. As I watched him mount his horse gracefully he turned and looked up at my window, as if he knew that I was watching him. He stared at me for a second and then the group rode out towards the hunting cottage, where they would stay the night and bring back plenty of meat tomorrow. A tear rolled down my cheek as I watched the youngest of the group ride proudly beside his father.
I wiped the tear off of my cheek and took a deep breath before I got out of the chair. I threw the blanket on the bed and went to my dressing room. I looked at the dress that was laid out for me and blinked. It was the first present I had received from him and the first sign that what I had been denying was true. It was his first attempt to rid everything that was imperfect from my life.
I clenched my teeth as I pulled the hot pot of stew off of the fire. I put it on the cooling grate and returned to the table to finishing setting the places for dinner. I heard a slow shuffling from behind me and I took a deep breath. I stood straight and braced myself for those sad eyes.
"Did you have a nice nap Mother Fitzpatrick?" I asked, trying not to notice how her eyes were puffy and glossy from recent tears.
"Fine dear." She repeated the same thing to me every time I asked, as if she never truly heard what I had asked her.
"I hope your hungry. I made a lot of stew today." I said, smiling slightly as she gently sat down in a chair. Her long grey hair swayed loosely behind her and she nodded at me. I tried not to notice how much weight she had lost in the past month and how her lack of appetite was not getting any better. I filled her bowl to the rim and smiled as I put it in front of her.
"Thank you." She peeped and picked up her spoon. In the month since Andrew had died things had changed a lot. People no longer smiled at me, they frowned. And my clothes had changed from brown to black. Debbie asked me how I was doing every time I saw her and Mother Fitzpatrick cried at the sight of the children, so they never came over anymore.
As I was sitting, picking at my soup I thought of Andrew's funeral and how it was the coldest day of the year when he was buried. I held Mother Fitzpatrick in my arms and we cried together as we watched his cold body being put in the earth, wrapped in a crisp white blanket. For weeks now Mother Fitzpatrick would awaken from her sleep shouting, "He's not warm enough. He'll never be warm again!"
"Susanna." Her tired voice startled me.
"Yes mother?" I asked looking at her with a small smile.
"You weren't pregnant were you?" She asked. I choked on a chunk of potatoe and coughed.
"I…Pardon?"
"The baby? There was no baby was there?" She asked, no sign of tears in her eyes. I studied her face and then sighed.
"I…No, there was no baby." I said, the guilt made me push my plate away. She reached across the table and patted my hand.
"It was good of you to tell him that." She said giving me a smile. "He needed something to keep him sane for while you were gone." A tear rolled down my cheek and I drew in a shaky breath.
"I wish I was." I said, with a sob. She shook her head and frowned.
"It would only be worse if you were looking into his eyes and knew that you would never be able to talk to him or kiss him again." She sighed and pushed her bowl away. "I'm sorry dear. I don't seem to be hungry today."
As she crossed her arms the door burst open and David stumbled in along with his friend John. Losing Andrew proved not only to be lonely but also hard. Working on the farm and managing the house was tough for just one person, so I hired David and his friend John Jacob to manage my livestock and would be paid 3 shillings each every week. This not only helped me but also gave me a chance to bond with my little brother.
"Shut the door!" Mother snapped and David jumped.
"Sorry." He mumbled and looked at me with concern. He still wasn't used to her snappy ways.
"Yes, you always say that yet the door never seems to be shut." She sighed. "I'm going to lie down, I've got a splitting headache."
"Ok mother." I said and watched her shuffle her feet down to her bedroom. "Here boys, eat this." I said offering up our two bowls.
"Thanks." John said.
"We're starving." David said before shoveling a spoonful of hot stew into his mouth. He winced and I shook my head. I poured them a cup of milk and sat across from them watching them eat.
"How are the animals?" I asked looking from one 12 year old face to the other.
"They're ok." David shrugged.
"You've got a pregnant cow though." John said smiling at me. I frowned.
"I didn't think we had any bulls." I said.
"You don't."
"Then how is that possible?" I asked looking at them. They smiled at each other and shrugged.
"Maybe one snuck through the gate." John said smiling at David who bit back a giggle.
"That's is not appropriate, and very disturbing." I said smiling at them. I sighed and leaned back. "When will it come?"
"Another month or two." David said and I nodded.
"Will you stay here?" They looked at me as if I had two heads. "I don't know how to birth a cow."
"I suppose I can. Papa won't mind, especially since they're teaching Samuel how to do some chores now."
"Samuel, but he's just a baby."
"He'll be four soon." David said. "We all start doing chores at that age." I sighed and thought about how fast time was going and how much I was missing.
"Are you ok Mrs. Fitzpatrick?" John's voice startled me. I smiled as best as I could and nodded.
"You boys finish that and I'll be home for supper." I said getting up and pulling on my riding coat. I lifted the brown fur hood and smiled at their shocked faces.
"Where are you going?" David asked.
"For a walk." I said with a smile and left the house.
After about an hour of walking my feet started to freeze. Even though the sun was bright and warm, the snow was still cold and my winter boots were old and worn. When I decided to turn around and go home, I took the path that cut through a large meadow where in the summer time it would be full of busy wildlife. Now it was just hills of glittering snow.
I started humming a tune to myself as I crossed the field and kicked the snow. I undid my black bonnet and my long brown hair flapped in the wind. I sighed and closed my eyes, letting all of my sadness go.
When I opened my eyes again I froze. There just a couple feet away from me was a doe and her baby. They were pawing at the ground and eating a couple pieces of grass that had poked up through the melting snow. I crouched down and watched them eat. The mother every now and again would look up, perk her ears and study her surroundings. There was a crack in the tree line and both of the deer froze. A spilt second later they were gone bounding through the field into the safety of the trees.
"You idiot!" A loud voice shouted from the tree line. "You had to step on that branch."
"It's not my fault! It's not like I did it on purpose!" They appeared out of the trees and looked longingly at the spot where the deer had disappeared. I pretended I didn't see them and turned and walked back the way I had come as fast as I could.
"Jess, look." I heard him say and my heart stopped. I had a feeling it had been them, but I thought it would be too much of a coincidence if it were. It seemed that I was always running into them somewhere. I sighed and slowed my pace as Adam called out to me.
"Excuse me miss." He said. I took a deep breath and turned to them. A gust of wind blew my hair out of my face and they both stopped and stared at me. They wore fur hats and brown fur coats, each with a rifle by their sides.
"Susanna." Jesse said and stepped closer to me. I smiled and curtsied the way a good lady should and they nodded at me.
"How are you doing?" Adam asked as he walked towards me.
"I'm fine thank you."
"We heard about… your husband." Adam said, a look of deep sympathy crossed his face. "We're so sorry. If there is anything we can do…" he looked at Jesse and Jesse nodded in agreement.
"There is nothing I need. Thank you." I said and looked towards the tree line and longed to be the deer that were as far from this field as possible. "I see you two are on good terms again." I said and they looked at each other.
"A simple misunderstanding." Adam said and Jesse looked at his hands. "But we've put our differences aside and are moving forward. Right friend?" Adam clapped Jesse on the shoulder and he smiled. His blue eyes made a shiver run down my spine and I clenched my hands to stop it from coursing through my entire body.
"Well I better get home. It's extremely cold out here." I said with a smile and curtsied again before walking past them.
"Let us accompany you." Adam said appearing at my side.
"I don't think that is proper." I said with a small smile. "The whole town would talk about the widow who came home with two men."
"No one would talk about me in such a way." Adam said sticking his proud chest out. I smiled and looked at Jesse who too was smiling.
"Of course not, but they would talk about Susanna that way." Jesse said coming to my defense.
"It's not safe for you to be wandering around the forest by yourself." Adam said and for the first time I had realized how many horrible things could happen to me. "At least let us walk you through the forest." I looked from one concerned face to a longing one and sighed.
"Just to the edge of the trees." I said and they smiled.
"Oh Susanna. I have missed you." Adam said tossing an arm around my shoulder. I shook my head and kept walking.
"It's only been a month." I said with a smile and then it faded as I remembered the reason.
"And all this black! How long are you supposed to wear it for?" Adam asked picking at my black dress beneath my winter traveling coat.
"For the rest of my life." I said and Adam frowned. "My husband died." I said, reminding him.
"Yes and its extremely unfortunate. But you must want to wear something other than black."
"My other dress is brown, so my wardrobe is not very diverse in colour." Adam shook his head with a disturbed expression.
"What do you think Jess?" He said looking over his shoulder at his friend.
"I think it's better for Susanna to wear black at the moment. It will cause people to talk."
"Oh, let people talk. The more they talk about you the more you are noticed." He said looking proud as if that were the cleverest thing he could have ever said. I looked at Jesse and we shared a smile.
"Your logic gives me chills." Jesse said, avoiding a large branch. I snorted and Adam stared back at us.
"You're laughing at my expense." He said frowning.
"No your majesty. We would never." I said, looking up at him as I passed by him. I smiled and kept walking, noticing the road was closer than I had thought.
"We went to visit your father yesterday." Adam said and I stopped.
"My…father?" I looked at Adam's smile to Jesse's. "Why?"
"Because he has always been such a good friend to us." Adam said and Jesse smirked at the ground.
"What was your purpose?" I said stepping closer to Adam and making him uncomfortable.
"I don't know what you mean?" He said looking down at me, his eyes studying my lips.
"Don't be a fool Adam. Why did you visit my father?" I snapped and he blanked at me.
"We wanted to visit you." Jesse said, defending him.
"But we had forgotten that you inherited all of your husbands possessions." Adam said. I studied his face and he raised his eyebrows at me.
"You must have made everyone go into quite the panic." I said walking away from them.
"They seemed calm enough. That little girl has taken a liking to Jesse though." Adam said and I looked over my shoulder at them. He smiled slightly and shrugged.
"She's very bright." I said offering up two entirely different meanings in one sentence. Jesse smirked at me and Adam nodded.
"I did notice that she is very intelligent." Adam said, studying me as I wrapped my hair into a bun and put my cap on again. I tied the strings around my face and put up my hood.
"Well we must part ways." I said with a false sad voice. "I long to see you again." I said smiling at them and they grinned back. I could hear them mumbling to each other as I walked through the trees and onto the road.
As I walked along I thought of how Jesse's eyes had glazed over every time my hair caught the wind, or the way he had smiled at me every other second. I was completely lost in my thoughts when a buggy went rushing by. I quickly jumped out of the way and the man on the buggy gave a loud laugh as I crashed into the trees.
Covered in snow I sat up and started at the racing buggy. My heart was pounding so hard that I could hear nothing but the sound of my blood coursing through my ears. I took a deep breath and stood up, brushed the snow off of my dress and started on my journey again. I got two steps before I became aware of a strange sound.
I stopped walking and strained to hear what it was. It was a cry, as if there were a dying cat or an injured fox. The squeal was high pitched and there were short gaps between each, which let me know the animal was small. I moved towards the trees on my left, following the sounds as I moved through the trees.
I saw it move before I realized what it was. I froze and watched the small creature struggle to stand and then fall back into the deep snow. From where I stood it looked like a cat, with no hair. I watched it for a second and then stepped closer, snapping a twig in half. The creature started to panic and fought harder to get out of the thick snow and towards safety. After a minute it was so exhausted that it flopped down into the snow and lay there, waiting for its fate. I slowly walked towards it and looked down at it. It was then that I noticed it was a puppy.
The breed I was unsure of but it's age I knew. It was maybe two months old, strong enough to survive without its mother, but not old enough to live in this weather. I felt my heart break as I looked up at me with bright blue eyes. I reached out my hand to it and gently touched is soft cream coloured hair. The dog's face was ringed with black hair, covering its eyes and muzzle. It stared up at me with pleading eyes and the next thing I knew the tiny puppy was in my arms, wrapped in my winter coat and I was walking down the road talking to it. It cried in my arms until I gently stroked its nose and soothed it. The puppy fell asleep almost instantly and I felt myself fall in love with this creature.
"What is that?" Mother Fitzpatrick said when I walked in the door. She sat in her chair staring at me with unease.
"It's a puppy." I said with a smile.
"You bought a puppy? How? With what money did you use to purchase that creature?" She eyed it as I placed the tired puppy on the floor. "You didn't even pick an attractive one."
"I didn't buy it, I found it. And with all the wasted food in this house I figured we would be the ideal family to care for him." Mother Fitzpatrick nodded and studied the creature. He stared back up at Mother with a tired expression. His eyes flicked to mine as if he were asking me what we were staring at. Then his long tongue curled with a yawn and he turned in three circles before lying down in front of the fire.
"He's adorable, don't you agree mother?" I asked hanging my coat on a wooden peg.
"I suppose we can let him stay for a while."
"He'll be useful to the boys when he gets bigger." I said and she nodded. The door burst open and David stumbled in.
"Your back." He said rubbing his red hands together. "I was worried about you and I-" Luckily he stopped walking before he stepped on the puppy. He stared down at it and studied it.
"Where did he come from?" David asked bending down to pet his head.
"Susanna was playing animal rescuer on her walk." Mother sighed.
"He was stranded in the middle of the forest, struggling through snow that was up to his stomach. Any human being would've done the same." I said adding an extra log to the fire.
"Aggie and Sam will love him!" David said smiling at me. "What are you going to call him?"
"He's a dog. You call him dog." Mother said with frustration. David raised his eyebrows at me and I sighed.
"You have to give him a name." David said and I shrugged. "Lets call him Lancelot."
"What a ridiculous name." Mother said and David flushed.
"Why did you choose that name David?" I asked warming up the cold stew.
"Because Lancelot was King Arthur's most trusted knight." David explained.
"Yes but he also betrayed King Arthur by sleeping with the man's wife." Mother surprised us all and we sat gaping at her. "They used to be my favourite stories as a girl." She said with slight embarrassment. David and I smiled at each other. "If you want to give him the name of a good knight you should call him Sir Lucan, the most trusted knight. Or Sir Pelleas, the knight with low birth rank yet was the bravest. Then there is Sir Bedivere, the giant knight." She sighed as she was lost in her thoughts and I stared at her in awe.
"Bedivere…"David's pale brows joined together as he thought. "Was he not the one who returned Excalibur to the Lady of the Lake?"
"Yes." He eyes widened. "He was the most handsome man in all the world, apart from Arthur of course." She giggled. "And he was the wielder of a magic lance." We looked at the puppy and studied him. He had rolled onto his back and was letting us rub his thin belly.
"What about Pelleas?" I asked.
"Ah well, Sir Pelleas was apparently a knight of extraordinary skill and bravery, but of lowly birth. His life consisted of winning the affections of the arrogant Lady Ettard of Arroy. He defeated sixty knights in a great tournament so that he could present her the jousting crown, but she ridiculed him and forbad him from pursuing her. Naturally he ignored her protests and followed her to Arroy. Every day, the lady would send out ten knights to expel him from her lands and he would fight them off. He always allowed himself to be captured so that he might catch a glimpse of the woman he loved so much."
"Did they ever end up together?" I asked, kneeling closer to her.
"Eventually, but there was much heart ache in store for Sir Pelleas before that was to happen. It is said that the Lady of the Lake bewitched Lady Ettard to pine away for her husband, while he fell in love with the Lake Goddess." She tutted, shaking her head. "In the end he marries the Lady of the Lake and became a knight of the round table."
"What was the other knight you named? Sir Lucan?" David asked and she smiled.
"He was Bedivere's brother and one of King Arthur's earliest allies. He was the Royal Butler, but in those ages the meaning was different."
"How so?" I asked.
"He was in charge of the Royal Household as apposed to actually serving to the King as they do in this age."
"What else did he do?" David asked, as equally fascinated as I was.
"Well…he was Arthurs most trusted companion, especially during the affair of Genieve and Sir Lancelot." She smiled. "I was told that he was always seeking out adventures yet he never really made a mentionable one. He fought bravely in his last battle."
"The one where Mordred attacked them." David added.
"Who's Mordred?" I asked confused.
"King Arthur's son." They said simultaneously. I smirked at them and Mother continued her story. "He was one of the last knights standing and even though he was slain, with Bedivere's help they tried carry the dying King Arthur to a nearby chapel. But the stress was too much and he passed." She said sadly. "I think he is my favourite knight." She said.
"Lucan…" I said looking at the puppy. His eyes opened and twinkled up at me. "Lucan." I said again and his tailed wagged.
"Looks like he likes it." David said.
"Sir Lucan it is." Mother said, with a smile on her face. The first smile I had seen in a long time.
Two weeks passed and the growth of Lucan became extremely noticeable. At first he had been hesitant towards the left over stew that neither Mother Fitzpatrick nor I could finish. But his hunger got the best of him and he gobbled up ever last drop, licking the wooden bowl clean.
Since then his belly seemed rounder and his steps were more joyous and playful. But he wasn't the only change that I noticed. Mother seemed to enjoy having him around, or at least she did when she wasn't in the company of others. She started eating more, making comments about how all the good food was being given to the dog rather than to the people who deserved it. And she started knitting again, after Lucan had broken into her room and grabbed the grey wool that would've been a sweater for Andrew, but was just a long piece of grey wool. Playing with it he brought it out to the fire and laid down to chew on it. Both mother and I over reacted and scolded him, but seeing the fabric made Mother want to finish what she had started. Things were starting to get back into a familiar routine.
One day, after making lunch I decided that I would take Lucan to visit my father and the kids. Aggie and Samuel loved playing with him and he loved seeing them. They tired each other out so at the end of the day the three of them would be sleeping in front of the fire.
Lucan normally stayed by my side, occasionally sniffing the ground or watching as a rabbit bounced by. He would run to greet people that were crossing paths with us and would sit calmly and let them pet him before chasing after me. When we got close to my old home he would bolt up the drive and sit scratching at the door as he waited for someone to open the door.
"Lucan! Sammy, Lucan's here!" Aggie shouted bending down and letting the dog lick her face.
"Nice to see you missed me." I said with a smile and Aggie grinned.
"Auntie!" She raced into my arms and held me tightly. Behind her Samuel appeared and he bent down to kiss the dog, ruffling his ears before racing to me as well.
"How are my two favourite people today?" I asked kissing each one and then reaching into my pocket and handing them a piece of sugar that I had gotten from the market.
"Thank you!" They said, their eyes wide with happiness.
"Don't let your mother see you eat them before dinner time." I said giving them a wink. They laughed and nodded. Samuel pressed a finger to his lips and giggled.
"Come on Sammy. Come Lucan!" She called him and the three of them raced towards the barn. Debbie stood in the doorway, with her hands on her hips. "I saw and heard that!" She said, trying to hide the smile on her face.
"I don't know what you're talking about." I said kissing her cheek and sliding past her. I spotted Nathaniel on by the fire, sucking his fist and smiled.
"How's my baby?" I said picking him up. "You're getting so big!" I kissed him and smelt his curly blonde hair.
"How are you doing?" She asked, as she did every time I saw her.
"Better." I said sitting at the table and smiling down at the baby.
"You look happier."
"I think I am happier."
"Ever since you found that dog, you've changed." She said hitting a pile of dough. I smiled.
"A dog can do a lot of things to a person. You should get one." She snorted and rolled her eyes.
"Yes that's what I need. One more mouth to feed." She said hitting the pile of dough harder. I studied her and noticed her pale cheeks and her damp blonde hair beneath her cap.
"Debbie?" I asked and she looked at me.
"It's nothing." She said and looked away. A smile crept onto my face and I went to her side, lifting Nathaniel to my shoulder.
"Are you?" She stopped hitting the dough and sighed.
"Yes." She said and I laughed.
"Well you don't waste any time." I said and she scowled at me.
"Talk to that brother of yours. I swear you Simons need help!" She said hitting the dough again. I smirked and looked at the baby.
"Have you told the kids yet?"
"No, we're waiting a little longer." She said. "No one knows. Well your father probably does, because he caught me bringing up my lunch this afternoon."
"Here let me do that." I said remembering how ill Debbie got when she was expecting. She sighed and took Nathaniel while I rolled out the dough.
"What am I going to do?" She asked brushing Nathaniel's hair back.
"What every woman does do." I said with an encouraging smile. "It's only one more mouth…one small tiny mouth."
"Yes that's easy for you to say, it's just the two of you living there." She said and then sighed. "I'm sorry. That was cruel of me to say that."
"It's alright." I said smiling slightly. "David is going to stay with us for a little bit and maybe he will just move in with us. I need the extra help anyways. So you can use his portions for that extra mouth." I smiled and she shook her head.
"This is the last one. I swear!"
"How do you plan to accomplish that?" I asked and she smirked at me.
"There are other ways to have sex without getting pregnant." She said and I cringed.
"Ugh. He's my brother. Can we not talk about things like that?" I said trying to swallow the bile that was in my mouth.
"What shall we talk about?" She said chuckling and I shrugged. "Oh!" She said startling the baby and me. He started to cry ands he soothed him quickly before she placed him back on the floor. "This was delivered here for you."
"For me?" I asked, watching her leave the room. "Why would someone send something here for me?" I called after her.
"I don't know, but it was addressed to Miss. S. Simon." She said raising her eyebrows as she offered up a large white parcel. There was a gold ribbon on it and cream coloured parchment.
"Who?" I asked and she shrugged.
"We didn't open it, because it is not ours. Now open it. I've been waiting three days for this." She said and I shook my head at her. I pulled open the ribbon and lifted the lid off of the box.
Inside was soft blue silk and when I touched it , my hand felt like it was running through water. I looked at Debbie who strained to see what it was and she smiled. I pulled the fabric out of the box and it fell into the shape of a dress.
"My goodness." Debbie said as she studied it . The dress was made entirely of silk and had gold thread lacing the sleeves together and the front of the corset. The dress sat off your shoulders and light blue silk ruffled along the shoulders and bust line. I pressed it up against myself and listened to the sound it made when I moved.
"It's beautiful." Debbie said, wiping her hands on her apron before she touched it. I handed it to her and grabbed the parchment attached to the ribbon. I blanked at the purple seal and gently tore it open.
You can't wear black forever.
-Adam
