A/N: In case your curious as to the breed of Lucan, he is an English Mastiff.
I woke up this morning and lay in bed. The bright spring sun streamed in through the wooden slates and hit the blue dress that hung on the back of my door. It made the dress sparkle and glitter in the sunlight. The urge to try it on overwhelmed me as it did every time I looked at it since I got it three weeks ago. I sighed and Lucan looked at me as he rested his head on the pillow beside me. I squinted my eyes at him and his tail started wagging.
"You're supposed to be at the end of the bed." I said and his tail wagged harder. He crept closer to me and his slobbery tongue licked my face until I was giggling. I pulled away from him and wiped my face, cringing at the smell of dog breath. He jumped off the bed and started whining at the door. I sighed and pushed back the quilt. He looked at me in anticipation and I shook my head. "Alright I'm coming." I opened the door and he raced from my room to the kitchen door, stopping to lick David's sleeping face. I wrapped the shawl around me and opened the door to let him out.
He raced out the door to the edge of the woods to relieve himself. As I watched I noticed how spring was starting to show everywhere. There was still snow on the ground, but little pieces of grass were sticking up and there were birds chirping in the trees. The buds on the trees were just starting to become evident and the snow dripped from the trees.
Lucan came running up to me and jumped up on me. His paws resting on my stomach and making two perfect muddy paw prints.
"LUCAN!" I squealed as he darted into the house happily wagging his tail. I should've been expecting this, seeing as he did it every morning. I looked down at the two marks on my stomach and sighed. This was my last clean nightgown and David laughed as I walked back through the door.
"Again?" He said as he patted the dog's head. Lucan was sitting beside David panting and looking as cute as ever. I scowled at him and his tailed wagged harder.
"NO! That look means I am not pleased with you!" I said to him, even though I scratched his head as I passed him.
"Susanna?" A muffled voice came from Mother Fitzpatrick's room and I looked at David before I braved the unknown. I knocked before I opened the door and immediately coughed at the smell of dust. It was dark and gloomy and everything was black.
"Mother? Are you alright?" I asked searching for her face. I opened the door wider, to let in more light and she looked up from her dark bed covers.
"I don't think I can make it to mass today." She said.
"But its Easter mother." I said shocked.
"I know, I'm sure God will understand." She said and rubbed her eyes. I noticed the red puffiness to them and knelt beside her bed. I placed my hand in hers and studied her sad face.
"Don't you think today would be the perfect opportunity to thank God for everything that we have been given." I said and she inhaled deeply.
"It's my anniversary today." She said and I blanked. I was thinking that she was upset about Andrew, but she was mourning the loss of her husband. I frowned at her and she squeezed my hand.
"It has never been easy going to mass on the day of my anniversary and God has never seemed to mind." She said and I nodded.
"I'll make sure I bring you a slice of pie home." I said and she smiled. I kissed her hand before getting up to leave the room.
"Oh Susanna?" She said as I reached the doorframe. "It's Easter Sunday. You should change from that black dress into something more fitting."
"But I don't have anything else." I said.
"You should wear the blue one." She said smiling slightly. I stared at her shocked. I had hidden it there so that she wouldn't see it and that she wouldn't think that I was trying to get rid of Andrew. But here she was, surprising me by knowing about the dress.
"I-I-"
"No one will talk because it is Easter." She nodded, dismissing me. I took a deep breath and left the room.
I quietly closed the door behind me and looked at the dress. I felt the fabric and watched the dress sparkle in the sunlight. I slowly lifted my nightgown over my head and through it on the bed. I gently touched the dress and lifted it off the hook. I took a deep breath and put the dress on.
Without looking at my reflection I knew that it looked good. It clung to my body and flowed out when I walked. As I twirled around the bedroom it felt like I was wearing water. I smiled brightly as I looked at myself in the mirror and ran my hands down my sides feeling the dress. It was amazing how a new dress can completely change your mood.
An hour later David and I were on our way to mass. He had smiled brightly when I came out with hair my tied back, but still curling down my back. I put on my traveling cloak, which covered the dress and we were on our way.
As we entered the small chapel we spotted our family in the second pew on the left. They smiled brightly at us and moved over to make room for David and I. I noticed that Debbie was missing and leaned towards Jacob.
"Where is Debbie?"
"She's not feeling too good today." He said not meeting my eye. Aggie sat beside him with her hand over her mouth smiling brightly. She looked at me and raised her eyebrows before Jacob nudged her and she looked away. I smirked at her thinking that they must have told her about the new baby.
Just before mass there was noise from the back and the crowd started buzzing with conversation. The need to look back was unnecessary for the culprit walked right past me and sat in the pew directly in front of me. My breathing completely stopped when his traveling companion sat beside him. I blinked at his golden hair and then to his dark hair. Then the music started playing and I jumped up. I could feel David and Jacob eyeing me curiously as they stood beside me but I refused to look anywhere but at the statue of Mary gently looking down on us.
I fully participated in the mass, but I never thought about what I was truly saying. I was focusing so hard on anything but Adam and Jesse that before I knew it mass was over and people were leaving the church. I pretended to be fixing my boot as Adam and Jesse got up to leave the church.
"Auntie we're coming over today!" Samuel said.
"You are?" I asked looking up at Jacob. Aggie punched Samuel in the shoulder and tears filled up in his eyes.
"Agnes that was not nice!" Jacob scolded. "And yes we were planning on coming over for dinner, since it is your birthday and all." I blushed. Not that I had forgotten my own birthday but I hadn't wanted to remind anyone that I was a year older and not married with no children.
"Well I better get home and clean the house then. It's a horrible mess." I said with a smile. I kissed each child, wiping away Samuel's tears and then left the church. People were gathered around a large oak tree where Adam and Jesse stood talking to men, women, boys and girls. I quickly lifted my hood over my head and passed by them.
"Ms. Fitzpatrick! Wait!" Adam cried and the crowd went quiet as he raced to my side. He looked under my hood and smiled at me. "Hello."
"Hello." I nodded and gave a slight smile. I looked around at the curious eyes and felt my stomach turn.
"Did you like my present?" He whispered and I blushed.
"Yes."
"But I see you did no wear it."
"I am actually." I said and subtly lifted my traveling cloak an inch from the ground. He stared at the ground and a huge grin broke over his face. He studied my face and I couldn't help but smile at his boyish grin. "Stop it!" I hissed smiling as I looked away.
"I'm just happy that you like it." He said and followed me to my buggy. He helped me up into the buggy and I noticed that people were still staring. Some gave looks of disapproval, some smiled, some frowned with sadness.
"I have to go now, thank you for the present." I said and he stood back and nodded.
"It was my pleasure." He said, giving me a wink. I inhaled deeply and snapped the reins. I didn't dare look behind me as I made my way back to the house, and my hands didn't stop shaking until I reached the house. I realized then that I had forgotten David and that he would have to walk back. I sighed and lead the horse into the barn, where another buggy was parked. I looked at it curiously and noticed that it looked oddly familiar.
After locking the horse in its pen I headed for the house. As I entered the house it was strangely quiet and dark.
"Mother? Are you awake?" I looked around the room and noticed that the shutters had been closed since I opened them this morning. "Mother?" I asked looking around again before hanging my traveling cloak on the wooden peg.
"SURPRISE!" They all shouted as they jumped up from their hiding places. I stepped back completely shocked by all the people that managed to hide in this small house. I burst into a grin and tears pricked my eyes. Then everyone started singing Happy Birthday and the tears flowed from my eyes. Aggie and Samuel wrapped their arms around my legs and waist, holding me tightly.
Debbie smiled at me mischievously as she kissed my cheek and the baby smiled when I kissed him. Gina hugged me next, wrapping her arms so tightly around my shoulders.
"Your so old!" She said and I laughed.
"You'll be 17 in a month!" I said and she shrugged.
"You'll always be older!" She gave me a wink and went to help Debbie open the shutters.
"Daughter." Papa said holding out his arms. I smiled and snuggled close to him, smelling my father's familiar scent and feeling completely relaxed. "Did we really surprise you?" He asked brushing me hair back.
"Yes Papa." I said and he wiped the tear from my cheek.
"Good." He said, smiling again and moving away towards the food.
The list of people went on and on until I thought I couldn't be hugged anymore. But the last two people I shook my head at.
"How-How did you get here so fast?" I asked looking at Jesse's bright smile and Adam's smug face.
"It was all part of the plan my dear." He said and kissed my cheek. Jesse followed queue and the two smiled at me.
"Your sister wrote to us and asked us to take part in the celebration of your birthday." Jesse said. I quickly glanced at Debbie and she raised her eyebrows before turning back to Mother Fitzpatrick who was in charge of this whole thing. I smiled at her and sighed.
"Excuse me for a second. There's one person I must thank." I said, completely shocking them.
"Of course." Adam says and I curtsied before turning my back on him and walking toward Mother.
"Hello dear." She said to me and smiled. I wrapped my arms around her tightly and just held onto her. She eventually held me tightly too and we stood embracing each other, both of us thinking that Andrew should be here.
"Thank you." I said, wiping the fresh tears on my face.
"You deserve it." She said wiping her own tears. I smiled at her and pulled up my sleeves.
"Where can I help?" I asked.
"No!" Debbie said.
"Susanna this is your party. We can take care of it." Mother said shooing me away from the food preparations. Two of my father's friends started playing the fiddle in the corner and music filled the small house. The noise was unbelievable but it made it peaceful and happy. Lucan was unsure where to go and latched himself to Jesse's side.
"Is this your dog?" he asked me and I nodded. He raced towards me and turned in a circle so I could scratch just above his tail.
"He's quite the dog." Adam said from behind me and I smiled.
"A hunting dog." Jesse said.
"An ugly dog." Adam said and I smiled. "I would've pictured you with something more…"
"Feminine?" I asked and Adam shrugged, eyeing the dog.
"I found him in the woods and brought him home. He helps David with the cattle and keeps Mother company when I am away." I said and he sat directly on my feet and rested his head against my legs, panting gently.
"It suits you." Jesse said and I smiled. There was a tug on my dress and when I turned around, little Henry was behind me.
"Hello darling." I said picking him up. He smiled at me and handed me a flower. "For me?" I asked and he smiled and nodded.
"Burfday." He said and I grinned.
"Thank you." I said kissing his cheek and noticing the way that his cool grey eyes studied mine. I blinked at him and studied his face. As he got older there was a familiarity to his face that I could not place.
"Sorry if he's bothering you." Gina said taking him from my arms.
"Oh not at all." I said smiling. "He gave me this nice flower." I said.
"Yes one from the flower bouquet that we went to a lot of trouble to get!" She scolded and he frowned.
"Thank you Henry. I love it!" I kissed his cheek and put the flower into my hair. He smiled bright at me and looked at his mother triumphantly. She shook her head and placed him back on the ground where the other kids were playing with their wooden toys.
I watched Henry study the other kids as they played. I watched how he eyed Samuel's toy jealously and how he looked through the crowd for his mother, before he snatched the toy from Samuel and ran away. I blinked at him and the next pair of eyes that I saw were the same cool grey ones, which normally looked at me with years of resent and anger. But today I noticed that they looked at me with guilt.
The party lasted long into the night. With the barrel of ale, courtesy of Pat and Mel from the Hunting Horse, people were drunk by 10 o'clock and leaving with other guests by 12. The children were asleep on my bed and the food had been devoured and cleared away. I noticed that Lucan was getting very frustrated with all the people here, so around 12:30 I took him outside and we walked to the barn and he ran through the fields chasing the night critters that had dared to face the melting snow.
I sighed as I leaned against the old barn and studied the bright moon. Papa had told me once when I was small that stars were holes in heaven for people to watch over there loved ones. As I watched the stars twinkle brightly, I wondered if my mother and Andrew were up there watching me; if they were proud of me.
"Beautiful night huh?" Adam asked appearing beside me. I smiled and nodded, barely looking away from the sky. "That dress does suit you." He said looking at me and I smiled again.
"Thank you." I said with a sigh and kept watching the sky. I could feel him studying my face but I didn't look at him. My body was buzzing from the alcohol and I was getting sleepy so avoiding his gaze was easy.
"What are you thinking about?" he asked and this time I looked at him.
"Well…" I sighed. "I'm 17 years-old and I am not married and have no children." I smiled. "I'm going to be an old maid."
"Well you were married. That has to count for something." He said smiling and I shook my head.
"I suppose." I said thinking of Andrew.
"Susanna?" He asked and I looked at him. "I was wondering if you would come and visit me, when I'm at my vacation home in the summer?"
"Visit you?" I eyed him carefully. "Without a chaperone?"
"Of course not. There will be plenty of people there and you can bring a friend of course." He smiled brightly and touched my hand. "Please." I studied his face, which were inches from mine. His eyes were darker than the sky and they held such a longing that I felt pain for him in my heart. I smiled and leaned close to him. I reached up and gently kissed his lips. He was shocked at first and didn't respond to my touch, but as I backed away he leaned forward and kissed me. It started off slow but quickly heated up and before long he was pressing me against the barn wall and I could taste the chicken broth on his tongue.
His hands cupped my face and ran through my hair as I pulled his waist closer to me. I could feel a hardness in his groin and it excited me. I smiled against his kisses and brought my hands up to his hair. I gently pulled on it as he lifted me up higher. He kissed my neck and the bare skin of my shoulder whilst his hands expertly lifted my dress and started feeling my bare legs.
He stared at me for a second, giving me a soft kiss before he reached down to lift his own tunic up. And then the dog started barking. We both jumped and backed away from each other. His hair was tousled and his lips were bright red and swollen. We looked over to Lucan and noticed that he was barking towards the trees. I blinked and moved forward, trying to see what he was barking at but it was too dark.
"What is it Lucan?" I asked moving a step closer. A twig cracked and a flash of light caught my eye.
"Come on Susanna." Adam said pulling my hand. "Maybe we better go back inside." His voice held fear and I stared at the spot again thinking that the glint of light I saw looked a lot like the sheath Andrew used to carry.
"Come Lucan." I said to the dog and Adam and I started back towards the house. Lucan gave another bark of warning before he followed us.
"So that was a yes then?" Adam asked, taking a hold of my hand.
"That was a yes." I said, smiling brightly and kissing him gently before going into the house. Adam waited outside for a few minutes so it didn't look suspicious but when he entered into the house Gina appeared at my side and studied my face.
"Did you just have sex with the King of England?" She asked and I stared at her with a shocked smile.
"No!" I said and then looked around. "Keep your voice down!" I said smiling to Father Jack who stumbled into the chair beside us.
"You have the look of sex all over you and so does he." We both looked at Adam as he bushed down a part of his hair that was sticking up. He caught my eye and smiled.
"We just kissed."
"Polite kissing doesn't result in swollen lips and untidy hair." She said fixing a loose strand of my hair.
"Yes well. It wasn't polite kissing but we didn't have sex." She eyed me suspiciously.
"Would you tell me if you had?"
"Would you tell me if my brother is the father of your child?" I asked and then wished I hadn't. She stared at me with an expression of pure shock and when she looked away there were tears in her eyes. "I'm sorry Gina!" I said and grabbed onto her hand. She stared at it and the tears poured down her cheek. "I didn't mean to bring it up. It's just that… I can't believe that my brother left you alone instead of marrying you." She took a deep shaky breath and wiped her face.
"It's more complicated than that Susanna." She said sounding years older than I.
"I'm sure I can understand." I said and she smiled. She shook her head and looked towards Bradley. He stood in a corner scowling at everyone, whilst drinking the last of the ale. He met her gaze and I could tell that he was studying her sad expression. His face softened and he moved forward a step, stopped and then rested back on the wall again.
I watched my brother look away and scowl at a group of giggling girls as they walked past them. He seemed to care for Gina, yet why he hadn't stepped up and be the man that I knew he wanted to be puzzled me.
"It's in the past now Susanna." Gina said smiling at me. "I've moved on and accepted my life."
"But it doesn't make sense." I said and she smiled.
"Does anything ever make sense?" She asked and I frowned.
"I could talk to him for you?" I said and she scowled.
"No! You must not talk about this to anyone. No one can know." She said holding my hand tightly.
"Yes Gina, alright." I said and when she let go of my hand I rubbed it. "My goodness just because you have red hair doesn't mean you get to actually take you're anger out on me." I said and she smiled.
"Everyone knows that you never mess with a red head. They've got a fiery temper." She said with the perfect imitation of a Scottish accent. We giggled together and couldn't seem to stop laughing. It wasn't until Papa came over to say goodbye that we stopped. Gina got up and mumbled something about finding Henry before she disappeared.
"You know how I feel about her." Papa said watching her leave the room.
"Papa, please. She's been my oldest friend." I said and he frowned. "She was there for me when Momma died and then again when Andrew died. I can't turn her away because she had a baby out of wedlock. Plenty of people have done it. Even your parents." I said and he stared at me shocked. He sighed and kissed my forehead.
"I forget that you are no longer a child." He said touching my cheek gently. "But you must be careful of who influences you. Your reputation is all that is important in your life right now."
"Why is that the only thing that is of importance?"
"Because you need to marry again and marrying can be difficult if one has a bad reputation." I stared at him shocked and he smiled.
"Papa! My husband has been in the ground for less than 4 months."
"I know. I'm not saying get married now dear, I'm saying that you need to remember that one day, whether it's a year or five years from now, you will want to marry again." I looked at him and shook my head.
"You haven't married again and it's been 5 years." I spat and he frowned.
"I have no need to marry again. I have four children and that is all that I need." He smiled. "I'm too old to be worrying about those things again. And I'm too poor." He chuckled but I didn't even smile.
"Or your still in love with Momma and no one will compare to her." I said. He face grew sad and I regretted what I said, but I didn't let it show. "Imagine if you had someone telling you that you needed to mind your manners because you needed to get married again, after you just lost the love of your life?"
"Alright Susanna." He said holding up his hands. "I was only trying to help you." He turned away from me and the anger disappeared and was replaced by sadness. He stopped a couple feet and turned back to me. "The difference between my situation and yours is that she truly was the love of my life." He said before leaving my house. I stared at the open door with complete shock. My father had never spoken to me that way before.
"He's had too much to drink Susanna. He doesn't mean it." Jacob said placing his hands on my shoulder.
"But it's true. I told him that I didn't love Andrew." I said tears in my eyes. "And he knows that I feel guilt for it every day." Tears streamed down my face and Jacob wrapped his arms around me.
"Come now. It's your birthday. You must not cry." He patted my back gently and held onto me while I cried out all the mixed emotions I was feeling. When I was done crying I sighed and wiped my face. He smiled at me and kissed my cheek. "I'm supposed to help carry the kids into the buggy," he said eyeing Debbie who walked past carrying Nathaniel.
"I'm alright." I said with a smile. "Go home."
"Good night sister." He said and kissed my forehead before disappearing into the bedroom.
As the last buggy disappeared I sighed and leaned against the doorframe. I felt the cold breeze on my hot skin and closed my eyes.
"Susanna?" Mother appeared behind me. "Come and open your gifts."
"I feel too tired." I said with a sigh. "It's been a wonderful night." I turned to her and she knelt by the large pile of wrapped gifts.
"At least open the one his Majesty gave you." She said holding up a small blue box with a gold ribbon on it. I looked at it curiously and she smiled brightly at me. I took the present from her and carefully unwrapped the gift.
Inside was a gold pendant. It was in the shape of an oval and had a pink emerald in the middle. In the middle of that emerald was a flower that had been carved into the stone and there was a teardrop pearl that hung from the bottom of the pendant. I looked at Mother and she smiled at me. I lifted it out of the box and noticed the long purple ribbon that it was attached too, so I would wear it around my neck. Mother rushed behind me and tied the ribbon high enough so that the pendant fell just above my dress.
"It's beautiful." I said and Mother nodded.
"He definitely has good taste."
"Or knows someone with good taste." I said and she laughed. She stared at the pendant with a strange look before she smiled and stood up.
"Well dear. I'm extremely tired seeing as I missed my naps today." She grumbled and I couldn't help but smile.
"Mother?" I said and she turned to me. "Thank you."
"You're welcome." She said with a small smile, eyeing the pendant one more time before retreated to her bedroom. I stared at the pile of presents and knew I would have to leave them for the morning. There was one present that stuck out and I leaned over to look at it. The box was in soft pink and had a white bow on it. It was a perfect square and very large. The lid lifted off and I stared shocked at the object inside.
I carefully grabbed the red and white-checkered blanket and pulled it from the box. I lifted it to my face and noticed that it still held onto the familiar smells of my youth. A piece of paper floated to the ground and I picked it up.
I think you forgot something.
-Jesse
I smiled at the blanket and wrapped it around me as I had the day that I met him. He had found the blanket where I had left it on the shore of the river and kept it. He probably kept it as a prank, but now that things had changed between us the blanket had a whole new meaning. I remembered the kiss I had shared with Jesse and how it had made me tingle for hours after. Kissing Adam or Andrew had created a passion within me, but it never left me with the same feeling. For the first time since Andrew died I considered the rest of my life and where it might go. For the first time since my husband died I thought of the possibility of having another.
