Opening Montage

Music: "Who Says You Can't Go Home" by Bon Jovi, featuring Jennifer Nettles

First shot is Quinn seated on a train. Jim takes the seat next to her and they start talking. Cut to a shot of Quinn and Jim's wedding five years later. Then cut to a hospital room a few years later and we see an exhausted Quinn and smiling Jim holding newborn triplets. Cut to present day and we see the now nine-year-old triplets. Teddy is reading a book while Tommy and Timmy fight over the video game controller. Cut to Teddy rolling his eyes disdainfully at his immature brothers. Next, cut to a shot of Jim working on a car while a tripod mounted camera records the whole thing. Next shot is Quinn making a S'mores 'n' Pores video in the kitchen. Next shot is Jim chatting with Jamie, Chuck and Kevin over beer while Brittany and Daryl make out in the background. Next shot is Jamie teaching a history class at Lawndale High. He notices that the current quarterback is making out with his cheerleader girlfriend in class, causing Jamie to have a DeMartino-style meltdown. Next, we see Teddy hanging out on the playground with a girl his age who is visibly of mixed European/East Asian heritage. They watch the 'normal' kids play with visibly disdain, implying that this girl is the Jane to Teddy's Daria. Next, we see Quinn, Jim and the triplets stand on the front lawn and smile at the audience. The following caption appears under them...

Lawndale

S. 2, Ep. 19

"Circle of Stryfe, Part I"

written by

WildDogJJ

Act I

Casa Carbone, day...

Quinn was in the home office having an unpleasant conversation over the phone.

"What do you mean you can't take the boys this weekend!?"

"I'm sorry, sweetie," said Helen on the other end of the line, "But your father booked a cruise to France and didn't tell me until after I'd promised to take the boys for the weekend."

Quinn was understandably upset about this. "Mom, this weekend is mine and Jim's thirteenth weeding anniversary! We were hoping to spend a weekend just by ourselves!"

"I know," said Helen, "and I'm truly sorry about this, but you know how thoughtless your father is."

"Can't Dad just cancel the trip," asked Quinn.

"Unfortunately, no," admitted Helen, "The tickets are non-refundable. Again, I'm sorry."

"Where am I gonna find a babysitter on such short notice," said Quinn, "Our usual sitter, Angie Thompson, is graduating next week, so she's too busy to do it."

"Angie Thompson," said Helen, "I can't believe Kevin and Brittany's second child is already graduating high school. It feels like just yesterday they got married because he impregnated her with Ultra."

"Mom," said Quinn, "Could you please not change the subject? Nicole and Jamie are renewing their vows next week, Jim's father and stepmother are expecting their first, and hopefully only, child sometime within the next two weeks while Jim and I have been incredibly busy dealing with all of that AND running our own business. We really wanted the boys out of the house this weekend so we could celebrate our anniversary by temporarily reliving our younger, more carefree days."

Helen understood exactly where her daughter was coming from. "I'm sorry, Quinn, but I simply can't do it, much as I would love to." At this point, Helen got an idea. "Maybe Daria could take them for the weekend."

Quinn shook her head. "Daria can't. She and Jane are gonna be in Virginia visiting Erin."

Helen was surprised. "Why's your sister visiting your cousin?"

"Erin hired Jane to redecorate her house," Quinn explained, "Give it more of an artistic flair. Daria's going with her because she wants to get out of the city for a bit."

"I see," said Helen, "Once again, I'm sorry."

Quinn sighed. "I know, Mom." She then looked at her watch. "Anyway, I gotta get to work solving this problem. Bye."

"Bye, sweetie."

With that, they both hung up.


Lawndale High School...

Senior Bryce Palermo was by his locker, chatting with some of his buddies.

"Man, I can't believe we're graduating in three weeks," said Bryce.

"Amen to that, dude," said his teammate, a blonde surfer named Steve.

Bryce proceeded to tell his vision of the future. "Next year, I'm playing for Middleton. After I take Middleton to an NCAA Championship I can go straight to the NFL. I'm so gonna be the next Tom Brady!"

Meanwhile, a visibly pissed off Angie Thompson (Kevin's daughter and Bryce's girlfriend) was making her way through the hallway. She looked like a woman on a mission as she angrily made her way towards her boyfriend and his buddies.

Bryce saw Angie coming. "Yo, Ang! What's up, bae?"

Angie said nothing. She walked right up to Bryce and slapped him so hard that it sent his head turning to the side.

"OW," shouted Bryce as he tried to rub the pain out of his jaw, "WTF WAS THAT FOR!"

Angie got right in his face. "Bryce," she practically hissed, "Beth just told me that at prom she walked into the ladies room and saw you having a quickie with Sara O'Shea in there."

Bryce's eyes went wide. He thought he'd done a good job covering his tracks. "Ang, it's not what you think!"

"You told me you needed to use the bathroom," said Angie, "But you were sneaking of to bang that slut...AT PROM!"

"But, bae..."

"Save it," Angie interrupted, "No more excuses, no more gaslighting! WE'RE OVER!"

Bryce was stunned. "Ang, Beth's lying!"

Angie didn't buy it and proceeded to say so. "Who should I believe? Someone who's been my BFF since kindergarten, or the jerk boyfriend who's cheated on me every chance he gets the WHOLE TIME WE'VE BEEN TOGETHER!"

"Bae," Bryce protested, "I didn't sneak off to bang Sara O'Shea in the restroom, I swear!"

"Then what do you call it when her dress is up, your pants are down and your dick is in her cooch!?" Angie took a few breaths to calm herself down. "I'VE HAD IT WITH YOUR BS! WE'RE DONE, FOR GOOD THIS TIME!"

Bryce immediately played his trump card. "You have herpes, Ang. Who else is gonna want you?"

Angie wasn't having it. "You're the reason I have herpes, asshole! You gave it to me after getting it from one of the many skanks you've cheated on me with over the years!"

Desperate, Bryce went for broke. "Who's gonna risk being with a girl who's positive?! Tell me that!"

Angie got right in his face. "Being positive doesn't seem to keep you from getting laid by every slut who comes along! DON'T YOU DARE EVER SPEAK TO ME AGAIN, ASSHOLE!"

She slapped him one more time before storming off in a huff.


Casa Carbone, afternoon...

Quinn was in the living room talking on the phone.

"Look, I really need someone to watch the boys this weekend."

Meanwhile, in another part of town...

A middle-aged brunette was talking on the phone while her twin sister sat nearby staring off into space.

"I'm sorry, but I'm not Abby," said the woman on the phone, "I'm her twin sister. I look after her now."

Abby spoke in a haunted voice. "Boys...no...please...Tommy, put it down...Teddy, it's because...well...don't ask so many questions...no, Timmy...no...no...NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Back at Casa Carbone...

Quinn was disappointed but not at all surprised to learn that her kids had so badly traumatized one of their sitters that she's now a paranoid schizophrenic.

"I see. Sorry...I understand...Bye!"

Quinn hung up the phone and folded her arms.

"Dammit!"

It was at this point that Jim entered the living room.

"Something wrong, Quinn?"

Quinn said "Abby can't take the boys this weekend. Apparently, the last time she babysat for them they traumatized her so badly that she now needs her twin sister to care for her."

Jim immediately shook his fist in frustration. "Dammit, it's our thirteenth wedding anniversary. I was hoping we could have the place to ourselves this weekend."

"Jim," said Quinn, "Maybe your aunt Ginny in Massachusetts could take the kids?"

"No can do," said Jim, "Aunt Ginny's going on a romantic getaway with her new boyfriend. Sorry".

Just then, the sound of the front door being kicked open got their attention.

"What the hell!?" said Jim.

They ran out towards the front door and were dismayed to find it knocked off of it's hinges as Jim's father, Tony, stood there with a nine months pregnant Jennifer in tow.

"Dad, what the hell!?" asked Jim.

Tony barked "That was in my way!"

"Tony," Quinn hissed, "The party isn't until tomorrow".

Tony said "And after that you two spend the weekend baby making?"

"I wish" said Jim.

Quinn added "We can't find anyone to watch the kids".

Tony said "Well, hell, I'll take the boys for the weekend".

Jim gulped with dread.

"I don't think so," said Quinn.

Tony barked "I wasn't askin'! I'm takin' the boys. THAT'S AN ORDER!"

Jim gulped with dread. This prompted Tony to get right in his face.

"YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT, YOU PUSSY-ASS COMMIE LIBERAL FAGGOT!?"

For once, Jim stood up to his father. "Dammit, Dad, you aren't taking the kids for the weekend. Every time you're alone with the boys it ends with Quinn and I having to spend a week deprogramming them."

Glad to see her husband stand up to his father, Quinn joined the fray. "Besides, Tony, isn't Jennifer due within the next week or so?"

"QUIET, WOMAN," Tony barked, "Men are talking!"

Jim was firm. "And this man says you're not taking the kids for the weekend!"

"Fine," Tony barked, "Guess youse guys are stuck babysitting instead of baby making!"

Both Quinn and Jim let out frustrated sighs. Tony had a point. If they wanted their special weekend, then it was either Tony or bust. This was especially true as the following weekend would be when Nicole and Jamie are renewing their vows, so rescheduling wasn't an option.


Friday afternoon...

Jim and Quinn were hosting a cookout in their backyard. The assembled guests were the Whites (Jamie, Nicole and Rachel), the Thompsons (Kevin, Brittany, Ultra, Angie, Nikki, Lisa and Kevin Jr.), the Ruttheimers (Chuck, Stacy, Chuckie and Q), Brittany's lover Daryl, Adam Rowe, the Sloanes (Tom, Sandi and Shane), Daria, Jane, Erin, Chris, Uncle Vito, Tony and Jennifer. Everyone brought presents.

Jim and Quinn opened one gift. It was a gift certificate for a free day at a beauty spa.

"Thanks, Nicole," said Quinn.

Smiling, Nicole said "Don't mention it".

Nicole then turned her attention to her husband. "I can't believe we're getting married in a week!"

"Um, Nicole," Jamie pointed out, "We've been married for fourteen years."

"I know," said Nicole, "But it still feels like the first time." She looked at her husband with the expression of a lovesick teenager. "I love you, Jamie!"

Jamie melted. "I love you, Nicole!"

The two proceeded to make out, to their daughter's visible chagrin.

"Mom, Dad," said Rachel, "ew!"

It was at this point that Kevin handed Jim his gift. "Here ya go, guys."

"Thanks, Kevin" said Jim as Quinn opened the gift. She frowned to see that it was two canes. One cane was engraved 'his' and the other was engraved 'hers'.

"Get it!" Kevin laughed. "You're old!"

Tom asked "Kevin, why'd you get them a gift like that?"

Kevin said "'Cause it's funny, dude."

Frowning, Tom said "No it isn't".

The living room, a short time later...

The entire assembled party was in the living room as Jim set up a slideshow on the TV.

"Okay," said Jim, "Kill the lights".

As the lights are turned off Jim starts the slideshow. The first image is a title page with Quinn and Jim standing together smiling. The title read "Thirteen Years Of Bliss".

"As you all know," Jim said, "This weekend it will have been exactly thirteen years since Quinn and I became Mr. and Mrs. Carbone."

He clicked to the next image as he continued to narrate. It was a still of Quinn and Jim standing at the altar on their wedding day.

"This was the first day of our new life together. It may have been more than a decade ago, but I remember it as if it were yesterday."

Jim then slid to the next image. This one was of a very drunk Tony attacking Jim at the reception.

"It was one of the happiest days of my life, despite...ahem...certain incidents."

Sandi interrupted "Quinn and I lezzed out at her bachelorette party".

Quinn shot Sandi a mean look. Sandi's husband, Tom, was visibly embarrassed by this.

Easing the tension, Jim said "Well, my bachelor party ended in a police raid".

Jim then slid to the next image. It was Quinn lounging on a beach in Sicily wearing a VERY skimpy bikini.

"And this was a shot from our honeymoon. We have others, but this is supposed to be a retrospective, not a porno."

That elicited a laugh from everyone.

"This next event happened about two years later" said Jim as he slid to the next image.

The next image was a close up of Quinn's hand holding a home pregnancy test. The test showed a blue stripe.

"This was taken the day Quinn and I found out we were going to be parents" Jim narrated.

The next still was Quinn holding up a printout of her ultrasound. She had a shocked expression on her face because the ultrasound showed not one fetus, but three.

Jim continued the narration. "And this was when we found out we were having triplets. I still can't believe I gave her three kids in one shot."

After everyone laughed some more Jim moved on to the next image. In this one, Jim was standing next to a hospital bed and looked like the happiest man on earth. In the bed was a visibly exhausted but no less excited Quinn holding newborn triplets.

"And this was the day our boys were born," said Jim, "November 3rd, 2012, the day we became a full family."

At this point, a visibly bored Tom muttered "This slideshow is longer than the actual marriage." This resulted in his being immediately elbowed by Sandi, visibly annoyed by her husband's rudeness.

Suddenly, Jennifer interrupted the presentation. "OHHH! Sorry, the baby just kicked...OH...there he goes agan."

Tony bragged "That's my boy. Better than the two wastes of sperm I had with Gina".

Jim looked offended while Chris growled "Dad, we're right here".

"WASTES OF SPREM!"

Everyone immediately forgot about the slideshow as they all crowded around Jennifer to feel the baby kicking inside her. Both Jim and Quinn just stood there not appreciating that they'd just been upstaged.

What no one noticed was Daria and Teddy talking in a corner.

"You sure you're okay with this, Aunt Daria," Teddy asked.

"Of course," said Daria, "I remember all too well what it's like to be trapped with annoying relatives. If Grandpa Tony becomes too much of an annoyance just come up with an excuse, call me on my cell and head to the pick up point ASAP."

Teddy deadpanned "That should take all of five seconds."

Flashing her trademark half-smile, Daria said "I like the way you think."


Evening...

The three T's have just entered Tony's pick-up truck for the six-hour drive to his place in Newport News. As the truck backed out of the driveway Jim and Quinn waved goodbye to the kids.

As Tony drove Jennifer sat in the front while Tommy, Timmy and Teddy were in the back.

"You know, Grandpop," said Tommy, "I have a feeling this weekend's gonna be fun. Remember when you, me and Dad rented a boat to go fishing on Chesapeake Bay?"

Timmy excitedly added "Or the time you let us have cake and ice cream for breakfast?"

Tony's demeanor suddenly changed from fun grandfather to ruthless authoritarian. "This is no 'spoil the grandkids rotten' vacation," he growled, "Jennifer's with child, she's useless. I'm puttin' all three of yas to work...RIGHT NOW!"

The sudden change in Tony from kindly grandparent to treating the boys the way he treats everyone else startled Tommy and Timmy. Teddy, on the other hand, had been expecting a taste of what their father's childhood had been like.

"But, Grandpop," Tommy whined, "We're only ten years old!"

Tony barked "When your father was ten I made him wake up at 0500 every Saturday morning for PT drills. Now, Timmy, scratch my ears."

Timmy said "But, Grandpop..."

"THAT'S AN ORDER, YOU FAT FUCKIN' FAGGOT!"

Terrified, Timmy took the handkerchif Jennifer handed him and scratched the back of Tony's ears as instructed.

Meanwhile, back at Casa Carbone...

Jim and Quinn were cleaning up after the party. Quinn looked depressed while Jim seemed to be in a pleasant mood.

"Well," said Jim, "Our thirteenth wedding anniverasry's off to a promising start. The slideshow went well. Even the presence of my father wasn't enough to ruin things."

In a disinterested tone Quinn muttered "Whatever."

Not noticing his wife's unhappy tone of voice, Jim said "Well, now to relax."

Suddenly, Quinn started crying. This shocked Jim to no end.

"Quinn!?"

Quinn continued to cry.


Act II

Casa Carbone, evening...

Jim and Quinn were celebrating their thirteenth wedding anniversary by having the whole house to themselves for the weekend. As such, Jim was surprised that his wife's now crying.

"Quinn, what's wrong?"

Quinn immediately stopped crying. "You...sniff...The fact that you even need to ask is what's wrong!"

Puzzled, Jim said "Quinn, Kevin's gifts were insulting, I admit, but he didn't mean anything by it. Come on, we both know that he's never been one to think things through."

Quinn said "That's not it!" A second later, she amended her statement. "I mean, that's not all of it."

Jim immediately drew another conclusion. "Are you worried because the boys are spending a whole weekend alone with my father? Come on, Quinn, it's just a weekend. I had to suffer eighteen years under that man's roof."

"THAT'S NOT IT!" yelled a frustrated Quinn. "Jim, we're old!"

Jim drew the wrong conclusion. "So, this is about the canes. Look, I'll have a talk with Kevin tomorrow and..."

"IT'S NOT JUST THE CANES!" Quinn interrupted.

Jim said "Quinn, you're only 40 and I'm only 41. Statistically speaking we both have another four decades of life ahead of us, more if we keep taking care of ourselves."

Frustrated, Quinn said "You just don't get it, do you? When we watched that slideshow I didn't recognize the young couple in those pictures. Also, did you see how lovey dovey Jamie and Nicole were the whole time. The fact that they're renewing their vows next weekend has taken them right back to the days of being a couple of lovesick twenty-somethings. When's the last time we were so into each other that we couldn't help being affectionate in public, huh? Then, I had to see Jennifer steal the show just by being nine months pregnant. People haven't fussed over me like that since I was pregnant with the boys, and that was more than ten years ago. We've turned into our parents!"

"No, we haven't," said Jim, "I don't brag about all the people I killed, mostly because I've never gone to war, and you don't neglect us for your career like your mother did."

"Dammit, Jim," Quinn barked, "I feel like those two people in the slides were total strangers, not us!"

"I assure you, Quinn," said Jim, "It was us."

Quinn said "What ever happened to us?"

"Let's see," said Jim, "We had kids, our YouTube channels started making money and we needed to be careful not to offend the sponsors. We got a house, a mortgage and you're President of the Lawndale Booster Society while I'm Chairman of the Homeowner's Association. We didn't change, we just did what everyone does. We grew up and became responsible adults."

Quinn found this to be cold comfort and proceeded to say so. "Well, if all we have to look forward to now is being boring old farts, then why don't we just bash our heads in with those canes and be done with it!?"

"Come on, Quinn," said Jim. "The kids are out of the house. We're self employed instead of being beholden to some scrooge who doesn't give a shit about anything but the bottom line. Let's just enjoy this weekend."

Quinn started to calm down.

Sweetening the deal, Jim added "We can disable the parental controls and stream an R-rated movie."

Her interest perked, Quinn asked "What movie?"

"The Godfather" Jim suggested.

Quinn frowned.

"You want something more erotic, don't you," Jim asked.

Quinn nodded as she shot her husband a death stare. You're barely into your forties and already a clueless old fossil.


White Residence, evening...

Ten-year-old Rachel White was in her room watching TV. On the screen was a decrepit old man in a baby crib.

"This is what he looked like at five-months-old..."

The next image was of a handsome young man who appeared to be in his mid-tewnties.

"...AND THIS IS WHAT HE LOOKS LIKE AT AGE SEVENTY-FIVE! Aging In Reverse, next on Sick, Sad World!"

As the TV cut to a commercial Rachel looked at her watch.

Teddy should be in Virginia by now. Maybe I should give him a call.

Rachel took her cell phone off the charger and called Teddy. Unfortunately, he didn't answer.

"Hi, I'm Teddy. Go to Hell," said the voicemail.

Rachel proceeded to leave a message. "Teddy, it's Rachel. I'm bored. Call me so we can keep each other sane."

She then hung up.

Well, looks like curing my boredom's gonna require the ultimate sacrifice...hanging out with Mom and Dad.

With that, Rachel got up from her bed and exited her room. She made her way up the hallway towards her parents bedroom. Fortunately, the door was open. Rachel entered.

"Mom, Dad..."

Her eyes went wide as she saw what was going on.

"ugh...ugh...Nicole...OH...so...hot...baby..."

"Oh...Jamie...Yes...Baby...feels...so...soooo...SOOOO...good...yes...YES..."

Rachel rolled her eyes.

"Um...I'll come back later."

She hurriedly walked away. Jamie and Nicole continued with the lovemaking, totally unaware that their daughter had walked in on them.


Newport News, Virginia, 5:00 am (0500 in Tony's native tongue)...

The hour is so early that it's still dark outside the small split-level in the Denbigh neighborhood that Tony and Jennifer call home. Inside, the triplets we're sleeping in what was obviously Jim's old room, as Chris's old room was being converted into a nursery for the new baby. Tommy slept in the bed that had once been his father's while Timmy and Teddy slept in sleeping bags on the floor. Suddenly, the lights come on. An already dressed and cleaned Tony charged in with a baseball bat in one hand and an empty metal trash can in the other. He proceeded to bang on the trashcan with the bat.

"RISE AND SHINE, LADIES! RISE AND SHINE!"

The boys were so startled by this that they immediately jumped out of bed. Tony continued his tirade.

"From now on you faggots will speak only when spoken to, and the first and last words out of your fuckin' sewer mouths had better be 'sir'. DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR?"

Terrified, the boys chanted in unison "Sir, yes, sir!"

"I CAN'T FUCKIN' HEAR YOU," Tony barked, "TRY SOUNDIN' OFF LIKE YOU GOT SOME FUCKIN' BALLS!"

"SIR, YES, SIR!"

Tony proceeded to bark orders at the boys.

"IT'S 0500 HOURS! YOU THREE HAVE UNTIL 0600 TO SHOWER AND DRESS! AFTER THAT, TOMMY HAS KP DUTY! TOMMY, MAKE ENOUGH EGGS AND BACON FOR ALL OF US! AND MAKE DOUBLE FOR JENNIFER, SHE'S EATIN' FOR TWO!"

"But, Grandpop..."

"DON'T BACKTALK ME, PUSSY-ASS, OR I'LL PT YOU UNTIL YOU FUCKIN' PUKE YOUR GUTS OUT!" At this point, Tony turned his attention to Timmy. "AFTER BREAKFAST, I WANT YOU TO HELP ME SET UP THE BABY'S ROOM. TEDDY, YOU CLEAN THE HEAD!" Getting in Teddy's face, Tony shouted "I WANT THAT TOILET SO SANITARY THE VIRGIN MARY HERSELF WOULD BE PROUD TO TAKE A SHIT ON IT!"

Under his breath, Teddy said "Strange, I don't remember enlisting."

"I HEARD THAT!" Tony barked as he smacked Teddy so hard that the boy fell to the floor. "NOW , GET UP, YOU SMART MOUTHED PUSSY!"

Teddy got up.

Tony now barked "YOU FUCK WITH ME AGAIN AND I WILL UNSCREW YOUR HEAD AND SHIT DOWN YOUR NECK!"

At this point Timmy wet his pants.


Pizza Prince, Lawndale, later that day...

Quinn and Stacy were catching up over lunch.

"I can't believe you wanted to hang out," said Stacy, "Don't get me wrong, Quinn, you've been my BFF since high school, but I thought you and Jim would want to spend all your time with each other this weekend."

Quinn said nothing but sighed.

"What's the matter," asked a grinning Stacy, "Needed a break from all the hot and steamy sex?"

"No," said Quinn, "In fact, so far our weekend has been neither hot nor steamy. Jim and I spent last night arguing."

Stacy was surprised. "Why?"

Quinn proceeded to explain. "I feel like we're turning into boring old-timers. Jim's acting more like a clueless old fart by the day, and it doesn't help seeing what Jamie and Nicole are like as their renewal ceremony approaches."

"God, tell me about it," said Stacy, "Those two have been acting like a couple of horny teenagers lately. Nicole and Jamie just can't seem to keep their hands off each other."

Quinn sighed. "I miss those days. I can't remember the last time Jim and I wanted it so badly that we just took each other right on the spot. How do you and Chuck keep it spicy?"

"Don't know," said Stacy with a shrug, "It just turned out that way with us. Chuck and I have been together since graduation and we've just never stopped being insatiably horny for each other. I guess my husband and I just have perfectly synched libidos."

Quinn let out a frustrated sigh. "I wish Jim and I were like that. Lately, it's like we're both attracted to each other and bored with each other at the same time. I just don't get that."

Stacy had a suggestion. "Maybe you guys need to do something to set the mood. Something that gets you out of parent mode and into lover mode."

Meanwhile, at Rowe Automotive...

Jim was talking with the owner, Adam Rowe (Stacy's brother).

"...so now I want to surprise Quinn with a romantic dinner. Any ideas?"

Adam said "How's about Skylights? It's this restaurant in Atlantic City. It's one of those revolving places, like the Space Needle in Seattle.".

Jim's eyes lit up. "Adam, that's a great idea!"

"Yeah, man," said Adam. "The view's fantastic. You can see the whole shore up there. Trust me, Quinn'll love it."


Atlantic City, evening...

Quinn and Jim were seated at a table at Skylights, the revolving restaurant that Adam had clued Jim to. They currently have a commanding view over the Atlantic Ocean.

"Jim," said an impressed Quinn, "This is incredible".

Smiling, Jim said "And just think, in about forty-five minutes we'll be able to watch the sunset".

Quinn said "I guess age hasn't caused you to lose your romantic streak".

At this point, a waiter approached them.

"May I start you off with beverages?"

Without missing a beat, Quinn said "I'll have a martini".

Jim instantly frowned. "Quinn, I was gonna have a beer."

"So?" asked Quinn.

"So," Jim answered, "If we both have alcohol then who's gonna drive home?"

Quinn rolled her eyes. "For crying out loud, Jim, you'd have to drink a whole six pack to be too impaired to drive."

Jim said "I don't wanna risk it."

Frustrated, Quinn huffed "Fine, I'll have a soda!"

Jim said "I could have the soda while you have a martini".

In a sarcastic tone, Quinn said "Oh, no, Jim. Far be it for me to ruin your fun by having fun myself."

The sarcasm flying over his head, Jim said "Okay, then." He turned to the waiter. "I'll have a beer."

Visibly frustrated, Quinn said "Just a soda for me". Under her breath, she added "Uptight geek."


Meanwhile, in Virginia...

The triplets were washing the dishes while Jennifer watches TV.

"I don't know how much more of this crap I can take" grumbled an angry Tommy.

Added Teddy, "If I'd known we were gonna spend the weekend being Grandpa's slaves I would've taken Aunt Daria up on her offer to stay with her and Erin."

Tommy suddenly got an idea. "Why don't we?"

Timmy was hesitant. "But won't we get in trouble?"

Suddenly, Tony called out from the bathroom.

"I'M DONE. I NEED ONE OF YOUSE BOYS TO WIPE MY ASS!"

Tommy and Timmy shuddered.

Teddy said, "If we hurry Aunt Daria can pick us up at Patrick Henry Mall in 45 minutes."

"But," said Timmy, "Who'll stay and help Grandpa Tony?"

Both Tommy and Teddy, at the exact same time, said "Not it!"

Timmy groaned as his brother's made their escape and he went to wipe an old man's ass.


Casa Carbone, later that evening...

Quinn and Jim were back from a disappointing dinner in Atlantic City. What was supposed to be a romantic night out had turned into a wet blanket. Now, they were arguing about it in the living room.

"...and you wouldn't stop talking about our family finances the whole damn time!"

"Quinn," Jim retorted, "That stuff's important!"

Quinn said "More important than celebrating our wedding anniversary with a fun weekend!?"

Jim whined "Quinn, what's with you?"

Angry, Quinn said "Dammit, Jim, we've turned into a couple of boring sticks in the mud. What happened to the happy young couple we were thirteen years ago!?"

"We grew up, that's what happened," Jim retorted, "It's long past time to leave our youthful foolishness behind."

Quinn had a retort of her own. "Then why don't we just take those canes Kevin gave us, beat each other to death with them and be done with it!? You've obviously given up on the life portion of being alive!"

Before the argument could continue the doorbell rang. Quinn angrily went to answer.

"WHAT!?"

Startled, Sandi asked "Did I come at a bad time!?"

Calming down, Quinn said "Sorry, Sandi. Jim and I were just having a discussion that's getting heated". Quinn then changed the subject. "What's going on?"

Sandi pulled a bottle of Jose Cuervo out of her purse. "I forgot to give this to you guys yesterday, so I figured I'd just quickly bring it over."

This gave Quinn an idea as she recalled her lunchtime conversation with Stacy earlier that day. Smiling as she took the bottle, Quinn said "Actually, Sandi, would you like to stay and drink some with us?"

Stunned, Sandi said "You want me to stay and hang out!?"

Quinn explained. "Jim's acting like an old fart. Maybe if we drank together, he'll loosen up and rediscover how to have fun."


Meanwhile, in Virginia...

Tommy and Teddy were in the parking lot of Patrick Henry Mall when a car pulled up. Erin was driving as Daria stepped out of the passenger side door to pick up her nephews. She instantly noticed that they were shy one.

"Where's Timmy," asked Daria.

"Someone had to distract Grandpop while we busted out," said Tommy.

Added Teddy, "Timmy drew the short straw."

Daria sighed.


Lawndale, an hour later...

Quinn, Jim and Sandi were in the living room drinking tequila. While none of them are wasted they're all a little tipsy. They're also laughing and reminiscing.

"So," said Jim, "You guys really did make out in the jacuzzi!? I always thought Quinn made up that story just to titillate me".

"Nope," said Sandi, "we were playing sexy truth or dare. One thing led to another, we were all naked and eventually I started making out with Quinn".

Taking a swig of tequila, Jim said "Damn, that's hot...or maybe that's just the booze talking".

"Maybe," said Quinn as she turned towards Sandi, "Maybe that's why making out with you was such a turn-on despite my being straight. We were pretty drunk, although..." Quinn's thoughts trailed off. "...when we set you up a few months back, to make you and Tom work out your issues, we both had to do some light making out with you to get your guard down. That actually turned me on a little, and I was sober for that one." Quinn remembered something else and turned towards Jim. "It was also a turn on to watch you make out with Sandi, and I didn't even think watching you kiss another woman would get me hot and bothered."

Loosened up by alcohol, Jim said "Watching you kiss Sandi gave me one hell of a hard-on, I know that much."

Emboldened by alcohol, Quinn said "You know, I sometimes fantasize about what might have been".

Sandi, also loosened up by booze, suddenly smirked. "I just got a really crazy idea!"

"What's that," asked Jim.

"This," said Sandi as she grabbed Quinn and kissed her intently.

Stacy first lightly sucked on Quinn's lips before sensuously sliding her tongue in. Once over the shock, Quinn began to suck on Sandi's tongue before sliding her own into her friend's mouth. After a few seconds, the kiss broke. Jim stared in wide-eyed, lustful fixation. Sandi next gave Quinn an inviting stare. Quinn looked at Sandi with unmistakable lust in her eyes. Quinn then proceeded to ferociously kiss her best friend as Sandi pulled her down on top of her. When the kiss broke...

"I...want you, Sandi," said Quinn in a lusty voice, "I REALLY want you."

"Take me, Quinn."

As they passionately made out the two women proceeded to peel each others clothes off. Jim watched this with a lecherous grin on his face.

The next morning...

Quinn woke up in her bed with a throbbing headache and no memory of the night before. As she sat up she rubbed her head.

OW! Did anyone get the number of that truck?

It was at this point that Quinn noticed two things. One, she was naked. Two, she was so close to the edge of the bed that she could easily fall out at any moment. She looked over to find an also naked Jim sleeping next to her.

Damn she thought, Jim and I must've had some wild sex last night.

At this point, Quinn noticed something else. Something that answered why the bed seemed so crowded. Sleeping on the other side of Jim was an also naked Sandi. Quinn's eyes went wide, and her jaw dropped as the memories of the previous night came rushing back.

OH...MY...GOD!

"AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Yep, Quinn and Jim had a threesome with Sandi.


Act III

Casa Carbone, morning...

Sandi emerged from the house and walked towards her car. She was visibly distraught over what happened the night before.

Oh, God! I cheated on my husband with our two closest friends!

Meanwhile, in the living room...

Quinn and Jim were both freaking out over what happened the night before, specifically having a threesome with Sandi after they'd all had too much tequila. They didn't know what was worse, the hangover or the awkwardness.

"OHMYGOD, OHMYGOD, OHMYGOD" Quinn ranted, "I HAD LESBIAN SEX LAST NIGHT...AND ENJOYED IT!"

Jim said "I HAD SEX WITH THE WIFE OF ONE OF MY OLDEST FRIENDS...AND IT WAS INCREDIBLE! MY GOD!"

Continuing to freak, Quinn said "I watched you get it on with another woman and let Sandi watch us have sex...AND LOVED EVERY SECOND OF IT! OHMYGOD!"

After taking a few breaths to calm down, Jim said "Why are you freaking out so much? You didn't cuck your old college buddy!"

"Jim," said a shocked Quinn, "I watched you do another woman and it turned me on. I had sex with that same woman AND LOVED IT! I DID LESBIAN SEX LAST NIGHT!"

"Quinn," Jim retorted, "I NAILED MY OLDEST FRIEND'S WIFE LAST NIGHT! I VIOLATED BOTH OUR MARRIAGE VOWS AND GUY CODE! THAT MAKES ME BOTH A HYPOCRITE AND AN ASSHOLE!"

Suddenly, Jim rubbed his temples. "DAMN HANGOVER!"

Quinn suddenly looked very sick.

"gulp...ulp...glug...BLEEEEEEEECCCCCCCHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

She puked all over the floor.

Calming down, Jim said "I'll get a mop".

Neither of them was sure if the nausea was from the hangover or the shock.


Meanwhile, in Newport News...

Timmy was in the kitchen at Tony's house washing dishes while a VERY pregnant Jennifer was watching TV. Suddenly, Tony came in.

"Timmy," Tony growled, "Where the fuck are your brothers!?"

Nervous, Timmy said "Um...I...I..."

He didn't dare tell his grandfather that Tommy and Teddy busted out the previous night and were staying with Daria at Cousin Erin's place in Virginia Beach.

"Never mind!" Tony growled. "You get the laundry out of the drier. I'm off to drink with the guys at Titty Palace. I hear they got a new dancer who inserts things into any opening...and I mean ANY opening."

With that, Tony stormed out of the kitchen to go to his favorite strip club. Once he was gone Timmy gave Tony's wife a look of pure sympathy.

"Is he always like this?"

Nodding, Jennifer answered "Yes. I keep house for him while he drinks and chases strippers with the guys. I used to have a problem with it, until he reminded me of my place as a woman by giving me a black eye.".

Looking and Jennifer's massive baby bump, Timmy felt a huge swell of sympathy for the woman along with concern for her unborn child. "I hope he treats that baby better than he treats you."

"He will," said Jennifer in a reassuring tone, "until the baby crosses him".

Timmy frowned. He's ten-years-old and even he can see that his unborn uncle is destined to grow up in an environment unfit for children.

A few minutes later...

Timmy emerged from the laundry room carrying a hamper full of freshly washed clothes. The door to the laundry room came out in the kitchen, so Timmy made his way across the tiled floor to put up the clothes. Suddenly, he slipped and fell, dropping clothes all over the place.

"No," said Timmy, "these were just washed!"

As the ten-year-old boy got up he saw what caused him to slip, a huge wet spot on the floor. The clear liquid formed a trail across the kitchen floor. Timmy followed the liquid trail with his eyes. It led to Jennifer and ended between her feet under her maternity dress. Timmy then looked up to see his grandfather's pregnant trophy wife leaning against the counter and groaning with discomfort.

"Jennifer" said Timmy, "what's wrong?".

Jennifer said "My..ooohhhh...my water broke!"

Timmy gave Jennifer a questioning look.

"It means the baby's ready to be born," said Jennifer.

This caused Timmy to immediately panic.

"GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! WHAT DO I DO!?"

Jennifer said "Ca...uff...Call Tony!"

Frantic, Timmy said "But he left his cell phone here and I don't know the number for Titty Palace!"

Jennifer pointed to the house phone mounted on the kitchen wall. "It's number one on the speed dial," she said.

Timmy raced toward the kitchen phone.

Titty Palace Gentlemen's Club, a few seconds later...

Tony and his buddies were watching the strippers dance on stage. The group included Buck Conroy (from the Daria episode "This Years Model").

"Damn" said a visibly turned-on Buck as he eyed one of the girls on stage, "I'd love to tap that ass!"

"OO-RA!" Tony exclaimed in agreement. Suddenly, one of the bouncers approached.

At this point, the bartender approached. "Tony Carbone, you got a phone call."

Tony followed the bartender to the bar and picked up the phone.

"Yeah, whaddaya want?..." Suddenly, his eyes went wide. "WHAT!? I'll meet you at the hospital!"

Without another word Tony hung up and ran over to the guys.

"Buck, I need you to gimmie a ride to the hospital! Jennifer's having the baby!"

With that, Buck and Tony left.

Meanwhile, at Tony and Jennifer's house...

"Well?" asked Jennifer.

"He'll meet us at the hospital," said a visibly relieved Timmy. That relief proved to be very short lived, however.

"I'm not allowed to drive," said Jennifer, "You have to take me."

Timmy was horrified at that prospect. "But I'm only ten-years-old! I don't even have a learner's permit!"

Jennifer said "So?"

Still apprehensive, Timmy said "I don't know where the nearest hospital is!"

Jennifer suddenly groaned as another contraction hit, the most painful yet.

Timmy could only think of one thing to do in this situation. "I know where the hospital in Lawndale is," said the panicking boy, "CAN YOU HOLD IT IN FOR SIX HOURS!?"

Jennifer just groaned.


Lawndale, an hour later...

Jim's Camaro ZL1 was going down a street. Inside the car a visibly hung over Jim was driving while an equally hung over Quinn was in the passenger seat rubbing her temples. The purpose of this excursion was to get some food in their bellies.

"I can't believe Pizza Prince doesn't open until 11:30" Quinn groaned.

"Don't worry" said Jim, "I'll find a place we can eat. After all, the sooner we get some food in us the sooner we can think without giving ourselves a splitting headache."

Quinn rubbed her right temple and groaned. "Could you please turn off the blinker?"

"The blinkers are off," said Jim, "what you're hearing is the throbbing veins in your head."

At this point Quinn spotted something up ahead.

"Jim, look."

They were approaching a Maxi Mart.

A few minutes later...

Quinn came out of the convenience store carrying a six pack of beer. As she made her way to Jim's car, she heard a familiar voice behind her.

"Mrs. Carbone?"

Quinn turned around to find a forlorn Angie Thompson standing behind her.

"What are you doing here," asked the eighteen-year-old in a depressed voice.

Quinn held up the six pack as she spoke. "Just getting some hair of the dog. See, last night...well..." Quinn decided not to mention the threesome. "...let's just say my husband and I had a rough night." Quinn then quickly changed the subject. "What brings you here? I don't see your car."

Angie sighed. "Taking a walk. You know, to clear my head."

Despite the hangover, Quinn could hear the sadness in the teen's voice. This caused her maternal side to kick in. "What's wrong?"

Angie struggled not to cry. "Bryce...he...we...BRYCE CHEATED ON ME AT PROM!"

Angie then slumped down on the curb and started crying.

Forgetting both the hangover and the fact that her husband was waiting in the car, Quinn sat next to Angie. "I'm sorry, Angie."

It was at this point that an impatient Jim approached. "Quinn, did you go all the way to Germany for those beers." He saw his wife comforting his neighbor's daughter, causing him to calm down. "Oh...um...What's going on?"

Quinn sighed. "Bryce cheated on her again."

Jim was conflicted. On the one hand, this was visibly upsetting Angie. On the other hand, he and Quinn were dealing with some heavy issues of their own at the moment.


Mary Immaculate Hospital, Newport News, VA...

Tony was at the front desk of the local hospital. While Buck was flirting with one of the nurses Tony was arguing with the receptionist.

"WHADDAYA MEAN SHE ISN'T CHECKED IN!?"

Calm, the receptionist explained "Mr. Carbone, we have no record of your wife checking in".

Tony turned his attention to Buck.

"Buck, phone!"

Buck whipped out his cell phone and tossed it to Tony. Tony caught it in midair and called a number.

"Jennifer, where the hell are you!?"

Somewhere between Richmond and Washington, DC...

Tony's Silverado was slowly moving north on I-95. Several cars were stuck behind the pickup truck honking. Inside the truck, Jennifer was in the passenger seat talking on her cell phone while a VERY nervous Timmy was driving, barely able to see over the steering wheel and using a broom handle to press the pedals.

"GO AROUND," Timmy yelled at the car honking behind them, "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD JUST GO AROUND!"

Speaking on her cell phone, Jennifer said "Timmy doesn't know where our regular hospital is so he's taking me to the one in Lawndale."

Tony's voice screaming "WHAT!?" could be heard all throughout the car.

"I know," said Jennifer. She listened for a few seconds. "Okay, we'll see you there."

With that she hung up. Jennifer then explained what's going on to Timmy. "Tony's on his way to meet us in Lawndale."

At this point, Timmy remembered something. "Can you take the wheel for a minute? I need to make a call."

Jennifer grabbed the wheel after handing Timmy her cell phone. He immediately dialed a number.

Erin's house in Virginia Beach...

Erin, Jane, Daria, Tommy and Teddy were sitting on the couch watching TV. On the TV was a toddler driving a souped-up Japanese car on a city street.

"He's too young for a license, but not too young to street race. Baby's Fast and Furious, next on Sick, Sad World!"

At this point the phone rang. Erin answered.

"Hello?" After listening, she said "Just a sec." Erin then offered the phone to Daria. "It's Timmy."

"Thanks, Erin," said Daria as she took the phone and spoke to her third nephew. "What's wrong, Timmy? You need a rescue too?" Daria's eyes went wide with shock as she listened to Timmy tell her what's going on. "WHAT!?" She continued to listen. "On my way!" She then hung up the phone and handed it back to Erin. Next, Daria stood up.

"Daria," asked Jane, "What's going on?"

"No time to explain," said Daria, "But you need to give me and the boys a ride to Lawndale...right now!"

Everyone had shocked expressions on their faces.


Chesapeak Bay Bridge-Tunnel, a short time later...

A red 2008 Mustang GT was heading north on the massive causeway that links Virginia Beach to the Delmarva Peninsula via a series of bridges and underwater tunnels connected to each other by man-made islands. Inside the car, Jane was driving while Daria was riding shotgun with Tommy and Teddy in the backseat.

"So," said Jane, "Jennifer went into labor while Tony was hanging out at a strip club. Timmy panics and, instead of asking for directions to the hospital in Newport News, is taking her all the way to Lawndale. That makes no sense."

"Actually," said Daria, "It makes perfect sense that a ten-year-old would panic and go with the first idea he could think of. As for Jennifer going along with this, that makes sense once you consider just how dumb that woman actually is."

Jane looked thoughtful for a second. "Now that you mention it," she admitted, "This is a situation ripe for making even the most rational of people carry the idiot ball, and the ones involved here are a mentally unstable misogynist, an air-headed bimbo and a ten-year-old boy."

Teddy added his own two cents. "Especially when that boy is Timmy. Common sense was never his strong point."

Tommy folded his arms and pouted. "I can't believe Timmy gets to drive before me."

"And giving a shit about other people was never Tommy's," added Teddy.

"HEY," shouted an offended Tommy.

The only response to that was identical smirks from Daria, Jane and Teddy.


Lawndale, sometime later...

Quinn, Jim and Angie are still at the Maxi Mart sitting on the curb. Angie was crying about all the ways Bryce treated her like crap over the years. Quinn was trying to comfort Angie while Jim was wishing to God he was somewhere else.

"...and then I found out about that blond slut he cheated with," Angie ranted, "After he gave me herpes that he got from her." Angie then unleashed the almost four years of frustration. "BRYCE PALERMO IS A SELFISH ASSHOLE!"

Jim rubbed his temples. Just listening to this is unpleasant! Listening to it when I have a brutal hangover is FREAKING TORTURE!

"Angie," said Quinn, "You don't deserve this. You're a nice, attractive and popular young woman. You deserve better than some jerk who takes you for granted and thinks he's God's gift to the world."

"That makes this even more infuriating," barked Angie, "knowing that jerk's gonna be treated like a god for the rest of his life."

"Well," said Jim in a deadpan that'd make Daria and Jane proud, "Maybe he won't live that long."

It was at this point that a brand-new BMW sports sedan pulled into the nearest parking space and came to a stop. The engine shut off and the driver stepped out. It was Bryce.

"Yo, Ang," he said, "Check out the sweet ride my parents got me for graduation."

No wonder he's a self-entitled jerk, thought Quinn, He's spent his whole life having his every whim indulged!

Angie stared daggers at her now ex-boyfriend. "Bryce, go away!"

"Come on, bae," said Bryce, "We've still got the whole summer before I go to Middleton, and I've got a cool new ride. Whadday say, honey? Wanna get back together?"

Angie stood up and got right in his face. "You must be freakin' brain-dead if you think I'm giving you another three months to treat me like shit just because your rich mommy and daddy bought you a new car!"

"Look, bae," said Bryce, "I'm sorry about what happened at prom, but I'm the QB. I'm the first QB to win a state championship since your father and the first to do it two years in a row since Tommy Sherman."

"You're also a total jerk like Tommy Sherman," barked Angie, who'd heard the story of the time he'd sexually harassed her mother.

Bryce reached out to put a hand on Angie's shoulder. "C'mon, bae, why don't we just.."

Angie angrily slapped his hand away. "LEAVE ME ALONE!"

She then ran past him and towards the street.

"ANGIE, WAIT," shouted Bryce as he chased after her.

Quinn and Jim both got up and went after them but, due to being hung over, weren't fast enough to stop the two teens from running onto the road. Fortunately, Angie made it to the other side with no problem. Bryce stopped in the middle of the street as he called out to her.

"ANGIE, PLEASE TALK TO ME!"

Staying on the sidewalk, Angie turned towards him and angrily shouted at her ex.

"DROP DEAD, BRYCE!"

It was at that moment that Bryce Palermo was hit by a speeding big-rig trailer-truck that none of them had seen coming. Angie froze and gasped in shock while Jim and Quinn did the same on their side of the street. It had all happened so fast that all anyone could do was stare in wide-eyed open-mouthed shock as Bryce went under the speeding eighteen-wheeler and bounce back and forth between the pavement and the truck's underside before rolling out under the rear. As the truck came to a screeching halt everyone else stared in horror at Bryce's broken and mangled body as it lay lifeless in the middle of the street.

Angie was the first to find her voice.

"Oh...my...God! BRYCE!"

To be continued...