I awoke the next morning with a raging headache and I was bleeding. I groaned as a cramp rippled through my stomach. Lucan had been let out of the room already and it was strangely quiet in the house. I felt my stomach rumble with hunger and decided that I might as well get up and eat something. I quickly changed into a simple dark blue dress, tore the blankets off my bed and silently slipped into the kitchen.
Ceecee was sitting at the kitchen table with her head in her hands and Eliza smiled at me as she placed a steaming hot cup of black coffee in front of her.
"Everyone must'a 'ad a bit too much to drink last night." Eliza said with a chuckle.
"It would seem so." I said rubbing my stomach and sitting across from Ceecee. She raised her head, gave me a tired smile and took a sip from her coffee.
"My head hurts so bad today. I shouldn't have had that much wine." I smiled and thanked Eliza as she placed a plate of hot eggs, bacon and toast in front of me. Ceecee looked at it and turned green.
"I'll be right back." She said and rushed from the kitchen, almost knocking Maria over in her haste. Maria looked worried for a second and then shook her head.
"Are you feeling unwell too?" She asked sitting down at the table.
"Nothing that a hot bath and a piece of chocolate cake won't fix." I said and she nodded with understanding.
"Lady Regan has canceled your lessons for today." Maria said scooping sugar into her teacup.
"Oh thank God. I don't think I could've handled it today." Maria was quiet and that worried me. "What is it?"
"I can't say." She shook her head and looked like she was near tears.
"Maria please!" I grabbed her hand and she looked at me.
"It's just… He loves you. You need to know that. It has been so difficult on him and he's just…"
"Good morning ladies." Adam said appearing in the doorway with Lord Michael at his side. "How is everyone feeling?" He said looking at me with a smile. I blushed and stared at my plate.
"Everyone is sick with the drink today." Maria said, her tone changing.
"Most unfortunate." Lord Michael said with disapproval.
"Susanna, would you like to take a ride with me today?" Adam asked in a hushed tone. I thought of my stomach and longed for the bath and sighed.
"I don't feel like riding today, but I need to visit Lea so we could walk them in the pasture?" I smiled.
"Alright." He said. "Finish your breakfast and we will go." He said taking a piece of my bacon. I slapped his hand and he laughed at me as he ate my bacon. I grabbed his hand and struggled as he tried to keep putting the bacon in his mouth. He switched hands and shoved the whole piece in his mouth. I playfully frowned at him and he leaned over and kissed my cheek. Then we became aware of everyone watching us and I blushed again.
"How is Lady Regan today?" Maria asked after clearing her throat.
"Fine." Lord Michael said in a curt tone. "She also had too much wine."
"It was a fine dinner Maria. You and your staff did amazing." Adam said and Maria blushed.
"Thank you."
"Susanna, you're not going to eat both of those pieces of toast are you?" He said taking a piece of toast and standing up. "Come on." He said striding to the door. I looked at my plate and shook my head. I grabbed the toast, thanked Eliza for breakfast and then left with Adam to the barn. Lucan met us there, with Mary (an eight year old Irish Setter) and Rupert (a three year old English Bulldog). The three of them raced into the barn and stirred up the chickens as they played in the hay.
Lea neighed loudly as I approached her and I handed her the last bite of my toast. I put her bridle on and led her out to the pasture letting her run free. Adam held my hand and we stood in silence as we watched the magnificent horse run through the fields with the dogs barking behind her.
"She is beautiful." Adam said. "I'm glad you saved her."
"So am I. She has become a dear friend to me." Adam smiled down at me.
"You seem to have the most curious friends." I smiled proudly and nodded.
"It makes me happy to have them to talk to and know that my secrets are completely safe."
"Secrets? What secrets do you have?" He said taking both of my hands and kissing me.
"What secrets do you have?" I asked raising my eyebrows at him. He studying my face for a second and the sighed. He turned away from me and I felt my stomach sink. "Adam what is it?"
"You're not going to like it."
"But I need to know." He sighed and rubbed his face.
"Susanna, there have been…rumours."
"What kind of rumours?" He sat down on a tree stump and I knelt on the ground beside him.
"People are talking about you."
"About me? No one knows me."
"Someone has spread the word of your name." Adam said with a sigh. "Not your full name just your first name. There is talk about your blood line."
"Already?"
"Apparently there are some people who don't like me being happy." My thoughts went to Adam's murderous cousin Paul and I shook my head.
"Is that why you were so upset yesterday?" I asked holding his hands. He studied my face and sighed.
"Susanna what we are doing is breaking a law, a serious law that has caused thousands of lovers to break up and created thousands of unhappy marriages. I can't imagine loving anyone else."
"Adam I am not going anywhere. So a few sad people talked about me. It's just a rumour." He shook his head.
"I have to ask something of you and I know you're going to hate me for it."
"What is it?" I asked feeling bile rise in my throat.
"Susanna, to protect the family name and the royal crown I need you to pretend that your family…that they aren't… After we are married I'm afraid you can never see them again." His voice was stern but his face was sad. I stared at him but couldn't see him. All I could see was Papa getting older without me. Aggie growing into a woman who could be my twin and not getting to watch her get married. Debbie having more children and them being complete strangers to me. My life was being ripped away from me and there was nothing I can do about it.
"I can't…what you're asking is impossible."
"Susanna there is no other way." He shook his head sadly and I felt tears in my eyes. "I'm sorry. Once the rumours die down maybe you could exchange letters but…"
"I can't even write to them?"
"Letters can be intercepted. What if someone were to read it? Our lives would be ruined. We would both be put to death for breaking the law. Paul would get the crown."
"This wedding feels like its more work than it should be." I said standing up and wiping the tears from my face. "No one should have to give up everything for a marriage."
"It's not for a marriage Susanna. It's for love." His face was angry. I shook my head and new tears rolled down my face.
"I can't do this." I said crossing my arms over my stomach.
"Susanna you can't go back now. I have told everyone. The entire country will be in London packing the streets for the wedding. They are selling souvenirs in celebration of the royal wedding. It's too late." It was too much for me to handle. I shook my head and started back for the barn. "Susanna wait!"
"No! You wait! It is not my life that will be ruined by backing out. It's yours. It's always about you. Never once have you considered everything that I have to sacrifice for this ridiculous wedding. Never once have you thought about how I feel about this. Everything works out for you as long as I simply go along with what his majesty wants. Well you can FUCK OFF and wait for me to decide what I am going to do." I shouted. His face was red and he took a step towards me but I turned and quickly marched away. Lucan barked loudly and Lea appeared at my side as we entered the barn.
I sat on a hay barrel and took a deep breath as the tears rolled down my cheeks. Everything hurt, my head, my stomach, my heart. I needed something to relax me. I told the farm boys to look after Lea and walked back to the house, asking Eliza to fill the metal basin with the hottest water she could find and to cut me a huge slice of the chocolate cake served last night. I found the biggest mug in the house and poured it to the rim with wine.
After completely submersing myself in the boiling hot water and eating the chocolate cake I had calmed down. My stomach no longer cramped and the wine had taken away my headache and was giving me a buzz. I closed my eyes and sighed.
There was a soft tap on the door and without opening my eyes I allowed the visitor to enter. I didn't care if I was naked and drunk. I felt a hot wet tongue on my hand and heard a stool being dragged to the side of the tub. I opened my eyes and Lucan barked at me before lying beside the tub. Ceecee sat on the other side of the tub with her own piece of cake.
"He told you huh?" She said and I nodded. "He's pretty upset. He's ordering the carriages to be set up so they can leave within the hour."
"Then I guess I better stay in here till he leaves." I said stubbornly, but my stomach dropped at the thought of him leaving during a fight.
"Are you still going to marry him?" She asked with a worried expression.
"Of course I am. After all the work that's gone into this wedding, I can't back out now." I sighed. "And there's the fact that despite his stupidity and selfishness I still love him."
"Good." Ceecee said.
"Do not tell him though. If he's going to leave still angry at me he can worry about whether I am going to show up or not." I said smiling and drinking the last sips of my wine. Ceecee shook her head with a smile and sighed as she placed her empty plate on the nearest table.
"So I have some gossip for you." She said stealing my cup and taking a sip.
"Is it something to do with this stupid wedding because I will lose my mind?"
"No it's nothing to do with that."
"Well?" I said impatiently.
"Sheesh you are grumpy today. It's Lady Regan." Ceecee's voice dropped to barely a whisper. "Last night when I went to bed I heard her and Lord Michael talking. They were bickering about something and I just shrugged it off and passed out. But an hour later I woke to the sounds of crying and shouting. He was beating her."
"What?" I sat up quickly, causing water to spill over onto the floor. Ceecee sighed as she grabbed a towel and mopped it up.
"He was hitting her. I could hear it. Then the crying stopped and the bed started creaking and he started grunting."
"He raped her?" Her eyebrows raised and she shrugged. I felt horrible. I sat back in the water and felt my heart break for that lady. "What do we do?"
"What do you mean what do we do? We can't do anything. That's his wife. He can do to her as he pleases."
"You can't sit there and say that there's nothing we can do. She's in her room hiding because she probably has bruises and is exhausted from being raped. And there is no way that this is the first time he's hit her." I shook my head. "There has to be something that we can do."
"I don't know. I'm too afraid to even go into the guesthouse in case I see her. I wouldn't know what to say."
"Is Lord Michael leaving with the King?"
"Yes, I believe so. I saw his cases being taken out of the guesthouse not but ten minutes ago."
"Good, we shall go and visit her tonight."
"No I…we can't."
"We have to. As a fellow woman we have to stick together and defend her. She is a cold hearted bitch but she doesn't deserve that." Ceecee frowned and hung the dripping towel on a peg. She held up a dry towel for me and I climbed out of the bath. She wrapped the towel around me and grabbed my clothes. Together we walked back to my room, not caring that the farm boys were watching me and that Adam fully stopped to stare at me as I passed by. I stepped towards me but I ignored him and disappeared into my room.
An hour later there was a knock on the door. I sat at my table finishing tying my hair into a long braid and sighed. I opened the door and Adam stood in the doorway. I instantly crossed my arms over my dark dress and gave him a cold look.
"Yes?"
"I'm leaving for London. I'm needed there."
"Better there than here." I said and he scowled at me.
"Why are you being like this?" He said whispering.
"What were you expecting? For me to be deeply upset that you're going back? For me to instantly cry and kiss you, beg you to stay? I'm sorry darling but I am not that desperate."
"So the weddings' are off then?"
"I don't know. You'll have to wait and see if when you come to my house in a month."
"You're going to make me wait a month to find out if we're getting married or not?"
"Maybe it'll help you realize how I feel." I said and closed the door. I rested my back against the door and held my ice-cold hands together tightly as I listened to him exhale with frustration and then storm away. He snapped at someone on the way out and I heard the carriage door slam shut. I took a deep breath and went to the bed. I lay down, with my head resting on Lucan and cried.
Later that night I left my room, after crying for an hour and sleeping for three, and decided that it was time to eat something. Maria and Spencer had called for me at dinnertime but I was sleeping so they saved me a plate of shepherd's pie. I noticed another piece was saved and knew that it must've been for Lady Regan. So I grabbed both plates and a big bottle of wine and the rest of the chocolate cake, put it into a basket and carried it out the back door to the guesthouse. Candles were burning in her room but not Ceecee's so I assumed Ceecee was in the parlor reading or talking with Spencer. I told Lucan to stay outside the house and went in.
I knocked on her door, but there was no answer. I could hear her sniffling in the room and knocked again. But still she didn't answer. So I just opened the door and went in. The room was a mess. There were clothes everywhere and the sheets were all askew. Lady Regan sat at her vanity looking at locket with two pictures in it and she was crying.
"I brought you food." I said and she jumped.
"Susanna. Get out." She said more shocked than angry. There was a bruise on her left cheekbone and her nightgown was open at the top where it looked like there were small bite marks on her collarbones.
"What did he do to you?" I said placing the basket on the table and walking to her. I reached out to touch her face but she turned away. I gently grabbed her chin and turned her face back. Her eyes were red and her face was pale. She looked exhausted. Her long hair reached her lower back and it was all tangled. Her nightgown was wrinkled. She was a mess. I sighed and went back to the basket.
"Here." I said passing her the bottle of wine and her dinner.
"I'm not hungry." She said eyeing the food longingly.
"Eat it." I said placing it in front of her and picking up a brush.
"What are you doing?"
"Letting you know that someone cares." I said and gently started to brush her hair. She cried softly as she ate her dinner and drank the wink straight from the bottle. After she was done eating we sat on her bed and shared the chocolate cake and the wine.
"He wasn't always like this." She said sadly. "He used to be gentle and kind. That's the saddest part."
"What happened?"
"Our last child was a girl. Her name was Shannon. He was so happy that she was born he completely ignored our two sons and his life was instantly about her. She was a cute baby, dark haired, green eyes, happy. Then one day I took her out to the market and placed her on a blanket beside me. I lay down beside her and watched her sleep peacefully. She was four months old. As I watched her sleep somehow I fell asleep beside her and when I woke up… she was gone." Tears leaked from her eyes and she shook her head.
"Someone took her?" She nodded.
"When I got home and told Michael… He was furious. He swore at me, hit the boys and disappeared for days looking for her. When he came home a week later he was drunk and angry and from then he's beaten me every time we're alone. Every time he…every time we…he tells me that I will give him his daughter back and after that he has no use for me." She looked at me and my heart broke at her face. " But it seemed like God didn't want us to have our daughter back."
"I'm so sorry." I said touching her hand. She inhaled deeply and shook her head.
"My daughter would be 36 right now. Every year on her birthday I hide while Michael tears the house apart looking for someone to hit. He used to take it out on the boys but I would stand in for them, until I sent them away to boarding schools. They never visit us, or write. I don't think they blame me for the way their father acts but they blame me for being careless with my child."
"It's not your fault." I said and she frowned.
"Susanna I'm looking for sympathy. I was a child who was taking care of a child and I was irresponsible. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of her. I wonder if she married and had children, if she was happy with the parents that she got. I hope that the people who took her really needed her to make they're lives better. But I know that I was a fool and for that I understand why my husband beats me."
"Despite what you have done it is not right for him to do that."
"When you are married you will find out that there are a lot of things that aren't right, but you do them because you're married. He is your husband and despite everything you love him." She sighed and fell silent while I thought about Shannon, and Adam and how I could help Lady Regan. Shortly after we fell asleep.
"Susanna hurry up!" Lady Regan shouted through my door. Since our midnight chat nothing seemed to have changed. She still wore her hair in a high bun, she still ordered me around and barked at Ceecee when she got in the way. But at some points she would say things in a softer tone or gently tap my hand with a wooden spoon.
"I'm trying to dress as fast as possible." I shouted back.
"The ladies are going to be here any minute." She said and I rolled my eyes as Ceecee tightened the laces on my dress.
"Are you nervous?"
"Are you a girl?" I asked and Ceecee laughed.
"Technically I am a woman."
"Then technically I terrified. This is my first test. What if I fail?"
"You won't fail." She said confidently. "You've been studying for 5 months." Today ladies from the castle were coming to discuss the wedding details and to take my measurements for the wedding dress. They already had the dress made they just had to make the final adjustments.
"Ok I'm finished." She said just as the hallway outside my door erupted in barking and shouts. I closed my eyes took a deep breath and looked in the mirror. Ceecee had dressed me in a royal blue dress that touched the ground and shimmered in the light. A gold ribbon sat under my breast and the dress had a slit in the front from the ribbon to the floor and when the wind caught it, it would open to show white fabric underneath. She placed my hair in a high bun with twists and turns, letting a couple of short pieces curl around my face. She placed the crystal headband in my hair and added pink powder to my cheeks. When I saw myself I was amazed at how sharp I looked. "Well?"
"This is amazing!" I said studying my face. "You always do the best job." I kissed her cheek and held her hands. "Thank you."
"Hurry up before she yells again." Ceecee said beaming with pride.
"Right." I nodded. I pressed my hands to my nervous stomach, took a deep breath and opened the door. I walked to the parlor and stopped for a second, taking another breath and then opened the door.
"She's a very nice girl." Maria was saying. "She just has a slight tardiness problem."
"Ah here she is, finally." Lady Regan said holding her hand out to me and giving me a sharp look. "Lady Susanna, let me introduce Lady Molly Rumpkin, Lady Diana Prince and Lady Margret Jones." I looked over the three women studying me and smiled.
"Sorry to keep everyone waiting." I said politely offering each one a handshake. "Let's get started shall we?" I sat by the fire place: back straight, arms in, chin up, and watched as the women started fluttering all around me.
"As you know the wedding is in less that three weeks." Lady Molly said. She was a stout woman with died red hair and sharp grey eyes. Her dress was ivory with golden specks and was very low cut to reveal a very large bosom. She puffed and groaned as she reached into a large trunk and pulled out a thick book. "We have most of the arrangements set up but there are a few things that we needed your council on." She said and I nodded. She hesitated before offering me the book and I smiled.
It was leather bound with no script on the front and thick pieces of parchment to make the pages. The book held a million types of fabric. I flipped through the pages and pretended to be studying them. But in reality I had no idea what I was doing. I briefly looked at Lady Regan and Maria, hoping they would get my message. Maria smiled back and Lady Regan took charge.
"As we discussed you need to chose a colour scheme for the table clothes, the napkins and the dresses." She said appearing at my side.
"Of course." I said turning a page.
"Have you thought of any?" Lady Diana asked. She stood pulling pieces of white fabric from the trunk and studied them. She was a woman about my height with dark black hair. Her skin was dark too and her eyes shone brightly. But they studied me closely and I knew they were watching my every move.
"I have thought of a few, but some I am…not too sure about." I lied. I touched a piece of golden fabric and studied the way it looked in the light. "What colour are the flowers?"
"The flowers?" Lady Molly asked.
"Yes? Haven't you picked the flowers yet?" I asked with a snippier tone than I meant. Both women jumped and raced to the trunk for another book. Lady Regan actually smiled at me and gently squeezed my shoulder.
"Well normally the bride picks her bouquet and because we didn't know the colour scheme…" Lady Molly stammered as she handed me another large book of pressed flowers and flower drawings.
"We were thinking white lilies." Lady Diana said.
"I don't like lilies." I said truthfully. "I like tulips and roses. Irises are nice too and lavender." I sighed. "It's just incorporating those that will be the problem." I studied the flower book and bite my lip. Lady Regan squeezed my shoulder and I sat straighter, realizing I had started to get comfortable which meant slouching and un-lady-like habits.
"We can dye the flowers to match the fabric." Lady Margret peeped from the windowsill. She was a young girl with rich brown hair that she wore up. She wore a light pink dress and her blue eyes sparkled. Her stomach was slightly swollen with child and her cheeks were full and glowing.
"You can dye the flowers?" I asked and she smiled and nodded.
"It has never been done for a royal wedding before." Lady Molly turned her nose up at her and Lady Diana nodded. "But if you chose colours such as red and purple we can incorporate the irises, lavender and the roses." I frowned at this thinking of how my bouquet would look.
"But you're leaving out the tulips." Lady Margret said.
"Some compromises must be made." Lady Diana said sharply. They clearly had a problem with the younger girl standing up to them.
"I agree with Lady Margret." I said finally. "It wont work well. How hard is it to dye the flowers?"
"They will have to start immediately." She said beaming.
"I have picked my colours." I said looking at the golden fabric. "I would like yellow flowers with white irises and white lavender." Lady Molly and Lady Diana looked defeated for a second and then started talking about ideas of the bouquet fabric at the same time. I held my hand up to silence them and they looked startled.
"I would like yellow and white flowers for my bouquet but I also want my flower girls to have the same colours in their hair. Also I have chosen this golden fabric and this white fabric with the golden flowers. I want the dresses to be made with most of this white fabric and accented with the gold fabric." Lady Margret's job was to write everything down and she was scribbling away in the corner. "Also I want the cathedral to have a chair for everyone, not just for His Grace and myself."
"Chairs miss?" Lady Molly asked me. She was pale now and this made me smile.
"Yes, everyone will get tired from standing there for too long. I think chairs with this fabric draped over them will look splendid. The tablecloths can be made from the gold fabric but I would like these golden flowers sown into the fabric but with white thread. The napkins can be made from this white fabric and…that's it." I said sitting up a little straighter. "Will this be a problem?"
"No my lady." Lady Molly bowed.
"Absolutely not." Lady Diana said with a bright fake smile. I knew the two of them would go off and complain about me but I felt proud of myself. Lady Margret was still writing away but her smile was genuine entertainment.
"Now for the dress measurements," Lady Margret said. "Have you gained very much weight?"
"I don't know." I said looking at Maria nervously.
"She's hasn't gained very much but she looks healthy now." Lady Diana held out a long ribbon with markings on it and started measuring my waist, bust, arms, hips, almost every inch of my body. She would relay the measurements to Lady Margret who wrote them down happily.
"You're ladies in waiting will help get you ready on the day of your wedding and we will be standing by to make sure everything goes smoothly." Lady Diana said.
"How many Ladies have you chosen?" Lady Molly asked. I blanked. Ceecee was the only one and I had no idea who I was supposed to chose.
"Two." I said quietly.
"Two?" Lady Diana said. She looked at Lady Molly and they shared a brief smile.
"Lady Susanna is very particular about her Ladies-in-waiting. They are the closest women to her. She is not about to let anyone into her bonds of friendship." Lady Regan said. "She knows better than to trust strangers." This made Lady Molly blank and Lady Diana frown. Lady Margret however smiled.
"Well I am absolutely starving. All this wedding talk has made me think of the feast. Shall we go and eat in the garden ladies?" Maria asked sensing the tension. The three women followed Maria out of the parlor, each one bowing to me before leaving. I sighed when they're voices faded and shook my head.
"I'm proud of you Susanna. You did very well." Lady Regan said clearing up the books. I started to help, as did Ceecee.
"You were superb. I thought Lady Molly was going to faint when you started on about the dresses."
"I agree. She looked very pale when you took charge." Lady Regan smiled.
"And Lady Diana, she's quite the character." Ceecee tutted. "You'll have to be extra careful."
"I know. But Lady Margret was nice."
"She's the one you will have to watch the most Susanna." Lady Regan said and I frowned.
"She seemed friendly enough. And she's young. How dangerous could she be?"
"She's the wife of Adam's successor."
"She's P-Paul's wife?" I looked back at the window seat and shook my head. "That's impossible."
"They married five months ago after meeting at the Christmas ball."
"But her name is Jones."
"Paul's mother was the Old King's sister. Her name was Jones. Paul is next in line." I felt sick to my stomach.
"But he's-she's so young."
"The younger the better." Ceecee grumbled.
"Just be careful. He's chosen her to befriend you, to spy on you and to ruin you." Lady Regan said and suddenly I had to sit down.
"I can't do this."
"Yes you can." Ceecee said closing the trunk.
"I can't be watched everyday. I can't be someone that I am not."
"You will learn, as you already have, to change. You can be both people you just have to learn when it is the right time to be that person." Lady Regan said. "Ceecee will help you, along with whomever else you've chosen to be your ladies-in-waiting."
"Who is the other girl?" Ceecee asked and I smiled. I turned to Lady Regan and grabbed her hand.
"You." I said and she stared at me shocked.
"M-me?" She looked flustered for a second. "But I'm so old. Surely you wont want an old woman following you around, telling you what to do."
"That's exactly what I want. I need you close to me at all times in case I forget myself. Please say yes."
"Well I can't exactly say no to the future Queen. My husband wont like it and people will talk."
"Let them talk. I am becoming the Queen and I intend to ruffle some feathers." I said smiling. Lady Regan smiled back and Ceecee laughed. Then the three of us went out to join the ladies for lunch, all the while missing the girl who hid behind the parlor door listening to every word that was said.
