After Albert was born everything seemed to go back to normal. I felt happy and I marveled in the growth of my baby boy. But what I loved was watching Addie and Albert grow up together. Both of them were born on the same day but Albert sat up first whereas Addie smiled first.
People questioned my relationship with Addie and I simply said that I had taken her under my wing as her mother had died, which was the truth. Adam was bothered by it at first, not knowing who her mother was and unnerved by the fact that Alexander and I were spending a lot of time together. But Regan and the midwife and the two guards assured him I had delivered only one baby so he soon became content too.
Every day I would wake and visit the children before I ate my breakfast. The wet nurses, I hired one for Addie too, would bring the children into my parlor and my ladies and I would dress them and play with them for at least an hour.
It wasn't until they were five months that we started noticing they're personality differences. Albert was determined and strong where as Addie was happy and quiet. Albert was eager to crawl where Addie just wanted to be cuddled. Albert pushed me away where Addie clung to me tightly. It wasn't until their fifth month of life that I noticed the differences. Addie's hair was bright red and curly, like her mothers, but her eyes were dark and her nose was sharp like her fathers. Albert's hair was golden blond and poker straight and his eyes were blue like the ocean, like his fathers. I hadn't thought it possible until I noted the eye colour and the complete difference in the two children. Neither one was the same in temperament or appearances. But I pushed it aside, told no one of my thoughts and let life continue on in the wonderful bliss it was.
As it approached their first birthday Regan and I had finally started working on our plans to open an orphanage. We wanted the children to be properly looked after and to have a decent life. Adam was hesitant at first. He was putting down ideas and giving us problems. But after we drew up plans for the building and plans on how money would be made he was willing to help. He decided he would through ball in honour of our hard work.
The morning of the party I sighed I lifted my head from his chest. I rubbed my eyes and stretched the sleep out of my body. It was just starting to shrink back to the size it used to be and despite what Regan said, I was going to be back to where I had started.
I rolled over to the spot where Adam had been and noticed the blanket tucked neatly into the bed and the pillow plumped, as if no one had been there at all. We had been spending almost every night together since he had agreed to let us open the orphanage. But it the love between us was different. He was more gentle and slow, as if he was afraid of breaking me or that I would disappear. It lacked the rough passion we had before but maybe this love was better. It started to become more routine and easy to expect. I knew last night when he came into my chambers that he would not be here in the morning. But life was getting better.
When I finally got out of bed and got dressed I was eager to see the children. But when I got there I found that I was not the only one eager to see my son. Adam swooped Albert in his arms and twirled him around. He loved that child and Albert loved him equally. It was a blessing that Addie had come into our lives or I would feel just as childless as I had almost two years ago.
"He must be dressed in the finest outfit." Adam said to the wet nurse.
"Of course your majesty."
"Gold or white." He kissed the baby's cheek. "Something magnificent."
"We have just the outfit for him." She said pulling out a large white box. Inside was a white tunic with gold trimmings and a gold sash. There was small black boots and a white hat with a gold feather.
"He'll look wonderful." I said kissing my son who smiled as if he understood and then kissing my husband. I no longer complained about his absence and he no longer apologized for it, but his eyes still held guilt. "But what will she wear?" I asked kissing my daughter. She batted her dark brown eyes at me and giggled. I became aware that the room was quiet.
"Your Majesty I didn't think-"
"Susanna. She is not royalty."
"But…she's like my daughter. They spend every minute together. I cannot have him there and not her. Besides Alexander is going to be there."
"And do you think he's going to be toting around his child the whole night." He passed Albert back to the wet nurse and Albert whimpered.
"She must come to the party."
"She may come but she is not allowed to stand with us." He said and for the first time in a week I was furious with him. Before I could object he kissed Albert and left the room.
I took the children and brought them out to the garden. They were wearing so many articles of clothes that they could barely move. But when Marcia, Addie's wet nurse, or April, Albert's wet nurse, or I through the little mounds of snow in the air they giggled with delight and looked at each in wonder. After about 15 minutes the babies started getting fussy so we decided to go back in.
As we were walking passed the stables April gasped and grabbed Marcia's arm tightly. "See there he is. I told you he worked here." She said and I stopped to look.
"There who is?"
"April was at the Black Bucket and kissed a boy-"
"Not a boy, a man! I've never kissed a man before."
"She thinks' its true love." I looked from one wet nurse to the other and studied them. Marcia was older, maybe in her 30's. Her hair was brown but it was starting to go grey in some places. Her green eyes were tired and her body looked as if she had been bearing children for 20 years as opposed to ten. When I found her she was begging a guard to find a doctor. Her baby was dead but she hadn't admitted it yet. It had taken her a week to warm up to Addie. She left her husband and two children to come work for me, sending them money every week. But she loved it.
April was Paul's choice seeing as Adam never hired specific people unless they were men in his company. She was 15 years old and 100 pounds soaking wet. She had kissed her childhood sweetheart behind her house and ended up pregnant two months later. Her hair was blonde and curly and her eyes were so blue they looked purple. But she was a homely girl, with a broken nose that never healed right and a chipped front tooth from a drunken father. She lost her baby to early birth but she never bonded with Albert. She cringed every time he drank from her and coward away every time he cried. She was a waste of money, but she was Adam's pick so she had to stay.
"You do not have time to be kissing boys and filling yourself with Ale. You are the Prince of England's wet nurse. If you cant handle it we can find someone else!" I snapped taking the baby from her. "Go and get a bath ready for them. And God help you if you end up with child on my watch." She shivered with fear and raced back to the house. I sighed and felt guilt fill my stomach.
"Was I too hard on her?" I asked Marcia and she blinked at me. We had never really had very much to say to each other. We only talked about the children and they're progress. So asking her opinion was not something of the norm.
"I-I- No." She exhaled. "I've been tired of her complaining and whining about boys for the longest time. He is rather cute though." She said eyeing the man at the barn. He was tall and muscular but was standing away from us so you could not see his features.
"What makes you think he's cute?" I asked.
"His behind. Sometimes that's all that matters." She winked at me and I busted out laughing. And we continued on into the castle.
Halfway through bathing the children I was pulled away by Regan to get dressed. Albert whimpered when I left the room but Addie screamed the whole way down the hall. I stopped and listened as her crying didn't let up. I sighed and Regan shook her head.
"She needs to be away from you so she can have independence."
"She's almost a year old."
"It's healthy for them."
"She's already lost one mother, she doesn't need to lose two." I said and turned back.
"Susanna-" Regan hissed and I frowned at her.
"If you could have your child back, would you let her out of your sight for one minute?" She stopped and stared at me shocked and sad. I felt bad for reminding her but it worked and she let me walk back to the room. The women looked at me with surprise as I wrapped a towel around Addie and lifted her from the warm water.
"She's not royalty, which means she doesn't need to be primped and pressed for this party. So I'll dress her." April gaped at me whereas Marcia nodded and jumped into action. She handed me a pretty light pink dress with lots of ruffles and a pair of white shoes. She wasn't royalty but she was dressed as if she was.
"I'm promoting you to head wet nurse." I said with a smile and she laughed. "You are now in charge of the Prince and all the wet nurses that will tend for him. And trust me there will be more. But I'll try my hardest not to make them all blubbering idiots." I said as I heard April sigh sadly in the other room.
"I don't know what to say." Marcia blushed.
"Your pay will be increased and you will have your own room. I just need to get the preparations underway. The idea just came to me." I said and laughed. She shook her head and there were tears in her eyes.
"You are too kind."
"You are an excellent worker and have a stable mind. I need you to care for my son. For I am," I stared at my little pink baby as he splashed water at April and laughed. "Just the queen."
The theme for the ball was a masquerade which had to be fun and creative in honour of children. Although the only children that were there was the Prince and Addie. My dress was blood red with black feathers. And my mask was black with a crow's beak and sparkling diamonds all around it. There were black feathers at the edges of the eyes and my hair was up in a complicated bun with black and red feathers. It was a beautiful dress with hard work and determination written all over it.
Marcia held tightly to a whimpering Addie as Adam gave his speech and spoke of my persistence and determination. He made jokes of how I woke him in the middle of the night by talking of new ideas. I felt myself blush but I laughed it off and decided not to get too upset by his teasing. It ended by toasting to the orphanage and me. Everyone cheered and clapped as I thanked them for their support and promised them success in my project. Then the dancing began and everyone was happy and drunk within the hour.
Albert was the first one to start fussing but Addie followed shortly. Both babies had shortened naps due to the ball and were tired by seven. I found Adam among the lords and ladies and sweetly pulled him away and explained that I was going to put the babies to sleep. He frowned at me and spoke of the proper way to raise a Prince and that people would note my absence. But I frowned back and spoke of their routine and how important routine was to a child. In the end I won and promised to be back in half an hour.
I dressed Albert in his nightgown as Marcia dressed Addie. April was nowhere to be found and I was just about at the end of my patience with her. So the two of us lay the babies side by side and dressed them. The bond between the children was uncanny. They comforted each other when upset and would cry out to each other when they could not see the other. They looked up at us with the same grumpy expression and expected us to hurry.
It took ten minutes before we thought of the idea. Once one baby would start to doze the other would cry, as if they were telling each other not to give in to sleep. I would've laughed if I wasn't annoyed by it. So finally I lay down on the large day bed in by the window and placed the two babies beside me, facing each other. Within two minutes they were asleep.
Marcia exhaled and slumped onto a chair and closed her eyes. "What a day."
"And it's only seven o'clock." I yawned.
"But my day started at quarter to six this morning. And it's done." She said with a chuckle. I groaned and kissed the babies heads before I got up. "Just leave them here. I'll come back and move them later." I said placing a large pillow beside each baby so they wouldn't roll off the bed. I kissed them again and quietly left them to their dreams.
"You suit being a mother." A familiar voice said from behind me and I felt my heart jump. I turned around and he wore a brown tunic and a plain brown mask. Nothing special and nothing complicated just simple, the way he was.
"Thank you kind sir."
"Would you care to dance?" He asked and my heart skipped again. I looked for Adam but he was busy discussing the plans with a group of men.
"I would." I said placing my gloved hand in his and lining up as the dance started. We danced off and on the whole night. We would dance for two songs and then another gentlemen would ask me to dance and then we'd dance again. I watched Adam constantly but he never took note. He never even recognized.
"What are you doing here?" I asked closer to the end of the night.
"I'm working." He said with a bright smile.
"Permanently?"
"No, just for the week." I felt my heart drop and the realized I was married. I nodded my head and looked around at all the happy guests. "I want to see him."
"You saw him during the speech."
"I want to meet him." He whispered and there was a hint of sadness to his voice.
"I don't think it's a good idea."
"Susanna."
"Tad. "I said and looked up into his sad blue eyes. They begged me and I couldn't resist. I sighed and shook my head. "Dance with two more women and then come and find me at the staircase in the east wing. You can help me tuck him in, but I'm not waking him." He smiled the biggest smile I have ever seen, kissed my hand and approached a young lady sitting at the table beside her parents. I laughed as I watched her mother's eyes widen with excitement and her father's eyes inspect him carefully before I left the party.
I was halfway down the hallway when I heard my name being called. I turned and found my husband all in a dark purple chasing me. I stopped and removed my mask, smiling.
"Yes?"
"Where are you going now?"
"I promised Marcia I'd be back to-" I saw the look of annoyance on his face and I stopped.
"You cannot spend every waking minute." He snapped.
"He's my son."
"He's our son but I am not there every second of the day tending to him."
"Maybe if you had been his only source of life for nine months you would be." He stopped and stared at me. "My mother was always there for me. She devoted her day to caring for us as any mother should."
"You are not just some common housewife Susanna. You are the fucking Queen of England. Now start acting like it." He shouted and a servant dropped a plate with goblets on it. He grabbed my arm and pulled me closer. "You have a duty to your country and a show to put on to our guests. Stop embarrassing me by disappearing to see a baby."
"He's my baby!" I shouted. Then before I could even blink his hand connected with my face and it was instantly hot. I couldn't see out of my left eye and my ears were ringing. I could feel him breathing heavily in front of me and I could feel the blood rushing through my veins.
"You are excused from the party." He said and then turned and stalked down the hallway, his cape flapping behind him. I felt embarrassed and humiliated as several servants stood around and watched me try to compose myself. I let one tear fall before I took a deep breath, smiled and headed towards the eat wing.
I told April that the King has allowed her to attend the party and she practically jumped for joy. She raced out of the room so fast it was like she was on fire.
"He's going to be angry." Marcia said and I nodded as I touched Albert's face. "But he's already angry isn't he." She said touching my cheek lightly and I flinched away.
"It will look badly on him not me. Of course he'll know that it was me but he'll have no other option but to fire her for leaving her post." Marcia nodded and studied me. I sighed. "And I needed her to be gone. I feel like you are someone I can trust and I enjoy your company. I would like us to be dear friends and I don't have very many friends. So I'm trusting you with a secret." She swallowed deeply and shook her head.
"I don't want any trouble." She said raising her hands.
"No I wont hurt you. You keep my secret and I'll keep you safe." I said. She studied my face for a second and then sighed. "I have a friend coming to see my son."
"A friend?" She asked. "For what purpose?"
"Just to see him." I said and touched his beautiful blonde hair.
"That's it?" she said with disbelief.
"That's it." I said and smiled slightly. "I must go meet him."
"Him? Your friend is a him?" She asked but her tone was more curious than judgmental. I smiled at her and left the room.
He stood at the bottom of the staircase fidgeting nervously. He had taken off his mask and was crushing it in his hands. I stopped at the top step and smiled at him. He jumped when he saw me and rushed up the stairs.
"Is it ok to see him?"
"Of course." I said looking around. "But we must tell no one." I said and sped away down the hallway. We made no sound as we reached the doors and entered the room. There was a certain peace in this room. With the light colours and the crackling fireplace anyone would want to stay in here. Marcia jumped as we entered and I apologized for frightening her.
"I thought we were allowed to tell anyone." He said and I hissed at him to be quiet.
"This is Marcia, she is Albert's wet nurse." She bowed to him and he nodded to her. "We can trust her." I said and smiled at her.
I walked to the bed and gently picked up Albert. He stirred at being moved but I carefully placed him in Tad's arms and he sighed back to sleep. I watched as Tad sat on the day bed and studied his son's face. He looked so interested, as if nothing could tear him away. So I picked up Addie and tucked her into bed. She whimpered but I kissed her face and whispered goodnight and she fell back asleep.
"He's beautiful." He whispered when I sat beside him.
"He looks just like you." I sighed and when he smiled at me I frowned.
"He looks just like me." He admitted and frowned again. "Which means that I should stay away."
"It's for his safety." I said as a tear rolled down his cheek.
"I never thought I would have children. But when I heard the news of his birth I had to see him. Of course I couldn't come to his announcement ball because I didn't have a good enough reason. A whole year I waited to hold him and he might've been mine."
"He's yours." Marcia chimed in. She had been studying him the whole time and for the first time she smiled. "He's got the same mouth when he's sad."
"And he's stubborn and aggressive."
"A charmer." At this Tad smiled and wiped his face.
"Here." He said handing him to me. "I'm happy knowing he's going to give you a run for your life." I shook my head and tucked him in. He hugged and thanked Marcia before we left. We walked in silence all the way to the stable door. He sighed and rubbed his face.
"He did that to you?" He said touching my face and I jumped back.
"No I got hit with a door as I was walking past. That will teach me to stand too close to the walls." I said with a laugh but I could tell he didn't believe me.
"Want to have a drink?" He said.
"It's probably not a good idea. Someone might see us." I said looking around at the pitch-black night.
"No one would be stupid enough to come out here in the middle of the night. And besides it's just one drink." He said with a smug smile. But both of us knew where one drink led to.
"Susanna. Wake up." His voice startled me awake and I shot up. I realized I naked and searched around for any piece of clothing. My head was heavy and the light only made it worse. But it was early morning light. Early morning meant I had slept in the hayloft the whole night.
"Oh fuck me." I said scrambling to get redressed.
"I did that…twice." Tad said pulling on his own pants. I pushed him over into the hay and continued throwing myself together.
"Someone's going to see me."
"Just say you got really drunk and fell asleep next to Lea." I looked down at my white horse and she plus Lucan looked up at me with a disapproving look.
"No one will believe that." I said.
"It all depends if you leave these cute strands of hay in your hair." He said pulling them out of my hair.
"Stop it." I said as he smiled down at me.
"Stop what?"
"Stop…saying that. We never exchanged compliments before. It was just casual sex. Stop it." He smirked and then kissed me. A mind blowing kiss, not a casual sex kiss.
"Things changed when you became the mother of my child." I shook my head and pushed away. I started climbing down the ladder and didn't even look up.
"Things can't change or we'll be dead. No feelings. Just sex. That's what we agreed on." I looked up at his smile and sighed. "No feelings."
"Just sex." He answered. And I opened the door. "See you tonight?" He said.
"Shut up." I hissed and then smiled. Lucan raced after me into the snow causing many of the early risers to catch me walking out of the barn. I smiled and shook my head. "Too much wine." I said and when they smiled I knew I was going to be ok. Queens didn't admit to getting drunk. But maybe if they saw me as more than just a Queen I would be ok. I was a person, just a normal girl who became a mother and a Queen too quickly. I was a person and I was going to be a person again, whether my husband liked it or not.
