The day I found out I was pregnant was a Wednesday. Every Wednesday it was my duty to join the king in the Throne room and hear petitions. This, according to Adam's royal advisors, was to show unity in our marriage.
I had not spoken to Adam since he had struck me. I had eaten meals by myself and stayed as far away from the north wing as possible. He had been just as stubborn. One day I was out walking with Lucan down the garden path. When he saw me heading in his direction. He turned around and walked back the way he had come from. I was not going to apologize for loving my children and he was not going to apologize for putting me in my place.
On this particular Wednesday morning Lady Regan had the girls dress me in a light blue gown with silver trimmings. It was the beginning of March and a spring snowfall had just fallen outside. Many on my ladies groaned when they awoke to a fresh blanket of snow but Regan knew that snow was my favoruite. So she chose this dress in honor. She dressed my curly hair with a silver hair net and placed a small tiara on my head. With the new crystal tear drop earrings and matching necklace I was ready to go.
My youngest lady-in-waiting, Sophie, was tying my dress and her olive skin went pink as she pulled tightly around my chest. As the ropes tightened my breast ached but I held my breath and my tongue. Regan became aware of the situation and tapped Sophie on the shoulder, dismissing her. As she pulled tighter and tighter she narrowed her eyes at me.
"Again?" She asked and I nodded. Her eyebrows narrowed slightly but then she smiled and loosened the dress around my chest. She held my shoulders and kissed my cheeks. "What wonderful news."
"What is wonderful news?" Claire, the nosiest lady asked. When she caught Regan's eye she blushed and bowed her head. "Apologies Your Grace."
"I am expecting again." I said and the girls all looked to one another and smiled brightly. A new baby to them meant something to play with. A new baby to me meant fear and aching backs. I looked forward to looking into the face of my child but with the way I felt towards my husband I was hesitant.
"Does the king know?" Claire asked again and I shook my head.
"No one but you knows." I looked at all my ladies and made sure that they knew to keep the secret. They smiled and bowed. Then they followed me out into the hallway, forming two straight lines behind me.
I smiled as people curtsied and bowed a greeting but all I could think of was the baby inside and how I was going to tell Adam.
"It has been months since the king was last in your bed." Regan whispered furiously to me. I allowed her to walk the closest to me in case she needed to whisper helpful hints in my ear. When she said this I felt bile rise in my throat.
"It has been months since I have had my monthly bleed." I whispered back through a smile.
As we entered the grand entrance Tad came strolling through the doors laughing with another man and throwing pieces of meat at Lucan who ate happily. I smiled slightly and acted as if I didn't notice him.
"I thought he was leaving." She whispered again.
"He seems to be smitten with Lady Elizabeth." I said turning to my prettiest lady. She was small and blonde with purple eyes and a white smile. She looked at Tad as if he were a god and he looked at her like she was a plaything. As we passed he bowed to me and I walked right passed without another glance. I did look back to see Lady Elizabeth say a quick hello.
"What are you to do if the child is his?" Regan said catching me off guard and I froze.
"How dare you accuse me of such things." I hissed.
"Your Majesty, people are watching." Lady Helen whispered in my ear. She was my smartest lady. With her red hair always pulled back tightly and her sharp green eyes, nothing could get passed her. I looked around and realized she was right.
"We shall discuss this further, in private." I hissed at Regan and though she followed the rules and curtsied she was scowling. I took a deep breath, fixed my skirts and nodded to the guards to open the throne room doors. My husband stood beside the window, deep in conversation with Paul and his wife Margaret. She stood holding her three-year-old son's hand. He was the spitting image of his father with blue eyes and blonde hair. But his eyes were kind like hers and his smile was genuine.
"Margaret. It's so good of you to come." I said kissing her cheeks and smiling at her.
"I was surprised at your invitation to join my husband at court." She said smiling and looking hesitantly up at Paul.
"Well I need more hands with this orphanage and to be completely honest I am getting quite sick of all the giggling." I said looking back at the girls standing in their proper spots against the wall. "I could use some more mature help." Margaret beamed at me and curtsied.
"I would be honoured."
"You're choosing your own ladies now?" Paul snapped looking from me to Adam. Adam blushed furiously but I simply laughed.
"Well cousin you are doing a horrible job of it. But I shall not hold it against you." I said placing a hand gently on his arm. "And I thought maybe you might want to be closer to your wife and child." He narrowed his eyes as I smiled smugly at him. I had caught him two weeks ago with Lady Joan, my quickest lady. She had men call on her regularly so for her safety I always had her followed. This particular time I was bored so I decided to follow her myself and ran into the two of them on the staircase believe it or not. I was appalled and embarrassed. I went back to my room and immediately wrote to Margaret. "Besides I'd like to get to know my cousins more." I said bending down to the child and smiling at him. "I'll have one of my ladies to take him to the nursery." It turned and signaled to Joan.
"No!" Paul snapped and startled everyone in the room.
"Darling, what's the matter?"
"He's… He's fine here." Paul said as he reached down and picked up his son. Margret stared at him like he had three heads.
"If you insist cousin." Joan fell back into place as I took my seat at Adam's right. When he sat beside me he turned to me as if he was going to say something but I continued to stare at the closed doors. Before he could speak the doors opened and the petitioners started.
An hour later I was falling asleep as yet the third pair of men complained that their lord wasn't paying them enough to support their families.
"Who is your Lord?" Adam asked, his voice dry and bored.
"Lord Kenneth of-"
"Devon yes." Adam sighed and rubbed his face. "You should have joined the last two groups who made the same petitions. I shall talk to Lord Kenneth about this matter. Next." The men frowned as they bowed and backed out of the room. "This feels as if it will never end." He groaned and I nodded in agreement. He turned and smiled at me, but something made me stop my smile. He frowned and turned to the woman standing in the room.
She was an older woman in old tattered clothing carrying a small bundle to her chest. Her hair was dark and graying and her brown eyes were weak and tired.
"Well?" Adam asked with impatience and the woman jumped with surprise.
"Your Majesties. I-I-I-"
"Out with it woman. I have a kingdom to run." He snapped.
"She's nervous husband." I said touching his arm getting the point across without embarrassing him. "What is it that you wish to ask for?"
"It's my child, Your Majesty." She said turning to me.
"Your child?" Adam sniggered. "Your too old to have children." I gaped at my husband as the men in the room started laughing.
"I am an old woman to be bearing children and many children I have bared. But none have lived and this is my last chance." She said holding her baby closer. "But alas he is very sick and I have no coin to pay the doctor."
"Go borrow money."
"I have borrowed all the money I could for my other children, God bless their souls."
"Well you should have been more smarter about it. That's the problem with all these peasants. They have no brains." He said and again the men laughed.
"How many children have you birthed?" She looked at me with tears in her eyes.
"10, Your Majesty."
"Ten? My God." I said clutching my own pregnant stomach.
"He is my last chance and he is only two months old. Please help us." She stared at me and I felt my heart break. I knew the loss of one child but to lose ten.
"You shall get no money from us." Adam said. "Next." He snapped and two guards helped the sobbing woman up and out of the room.
"That was cruel and inhumane."
"You think I should help every sad case I hear?" He stared at me with sadness in his eyes. "You need to learn to harden your hearts or we will end up penniless and overrun."
"I maybe more sensitive to people of their status but at least I give equal amounts of respect to every human being I meet." I said standing and marching past the petitioners. I heard my ladies rushing after me and Regan calling my name but I chose to ignore her.
I found the old lady just outside of the palace doors sobbing as she studied her baby's face. I called to the guard and ordered his coat from him. I wrapped it around the woman's shoulders and smiled.
"Bring your babe to the orphanage down the road and I'll see that he's cared for."
"I can not give up my only child." She said scared and shocked.
"I'm not asking you to. I'm asking you to save his life. Go now and I'll send my doctor there to treat him."
"Thank you your majesty! Thank you!" She said clutching my hand tightly and kissing it repeatedly. I smiled and touched her matted hair before sending her on her way.
"Have you lost all thought?" Regan hissed at me as I strode back through the gates.
"Joan fetch the doctor."
"Which doctor Your Majesty?"
"The best one. But not the one who kills the unborn babes in your belly." I snapped and instantly regretted it. She blushed furiously and raced passed me into the castle. I sighed and turned to Helen. "Go with her and make sure she gets a good doctor."
"Yes your Majesty." She said with a curtsy and then went off after Joan.
"You have lost all thought."
"No I haven't. I am trying to fix the mistakes of my husband."
"Mistakes? Your husband was right! Do you know how many women will be here every Wednesday to make the same petition? The town is full of women with dying children."
"So what would you have done? Let him die? Let her die of a broken heart? That is two lives I do not want on my conscience." We bickered through the great entrance and I didn't care who heard us.
"And what will you do next Wednesday when there are 10 women lined up?" Regan shouted as she stood in my way.
"I will do the exact same thing?"
"You're going to pay, out of your own pocket to care for these children?"
"If I have to I will."
"This baby has made you crazy."
"Perhaps but this baby will have a mother who loves it and loves other children just as much. Now move out of my way so I can see my son." I said pushing past Regan and dismissing my ladies in the process.
I sat in the nursery for hours. I played and fed both children and dismissed the maids for their dinner. I bathed them and watched them splash each other happily before dressing them in their nightgowns and laying them on the day bed. As usual I lay between them and sang them a lullaby as I watched Albert fall asleep first and Addie study my face as if she might never see me again.
Just as they had fallen asleep the door opened and Adam appeared. He quietly shut the door behind him and watched the three of us. He sat on the edge of the daybed and rubbed Albert's feet. We sat in silence for almost half an hour before he spoke.
"You're with child again?" He asked without looking at me. I studied his face and sighed. "Why didn't you tell me?"
"We weren't talking to each other."
"I still should have been told before all my servants were told."
"I told no one but my ladies."
"Yes so I heard, along with the rest of the palace." He smiled. "You always get so strung up when you're with child."
"I get strung up because people would rather ignore a situation than address it." I said lifting Addie off the bed and tucking her into her crib. Adam copied me with Albert and I kissed each baby's head before leaving the room.
"Susanna wait!" Adam called as he closed the door to the nursery. I stopped walking but did not look at him. "Can we not make things right?" He asked appearing in front of us. "Can we not mend our differences for the sake of our son," he looked towards the nursery door. "And our new son." He said touching my stomach. My heart felt as if it were a brick in my chest. "I need you." He said touching my face.
"And I you." I said with a slight smile. As his lips met mine a new feeling took over my body. It was a feeling of repulsion and discomfort. It was as if a stranger was kissing me. When he pulled away he smiled and I knew he didn't have the same feelings.
"May I visit your chambers later?" he asked playing with my hair.
"Your Grace, I do wish for it," I lied. "But for the sake of our unborn child I think it best if you did not." He studied me as if I were telling a joke and then he dropped his hands.
"You are turning me away? After two months of… celibacy?" I stared at him shocked. I had assumed he had taken a mistress.
"Celibacy? You?" I raised my eyebrows at him.
"I told you I would not hurt you again."
"That must've been before you struck me." I snapped and then wished I hadn't. He looked at me as if I had just struck him.
"So we aren't going to put this behind us?" he laughed sarcastically. "Typical Susanna. It's your way or no way." He said and then stormed off. I didn't even want to call him back. For I never had things my way. I changed my entire life for him. It was his turn to change for me.
Three months later the snow was gone and the air was warm. The grass was green and the flowers blooming. My belly had started to swell and the children were running around the yard as fast as their little legs could carry them. I had noticed a lot of new changes to castle. There seemed to be more guards away with the sickness from too much ale and there seemed to be more women and musicians in the palace. I also became aware of all the women seen leaving my husbands bed chamber in the middle of the night.
One night I was sitting at my writing desk writing to Debbie about my idea of a hospital when I started thinking of Adam and the fool he was making of me. One mistress was enough but multiple women was unacceptable. I needed to keep him occupied and under my command. I looked up and started studying all the women in the room. Out of the 7 women three were possible candidates.
Helen was my most trusted lady but she wasn't the prettiest or the youngest. She could argue that age had given her experience but I knew that it was not the case. For she seemed to favour Regan, following her around like a lost puppy. It did not bother me any and Regan seemed to not notice.
Joan was by far the easiest of my ladies. She was not pretty but she was fit and flexible and had certain flirting skills that got her in one position, on her back with her legs in the air. She was trying to fuck her way to royalty. And I feared that she was aiming to take over my position. She was still rumoured to be sneaking around with Paul but Margaret was putting a stop to it. She was constantly watching her and with baby number 2 on the way any heir that Joan produced would have a long list to go through.
This left little Elizabeth. The one who was so smitten with Tad, who still called me to his bedchamber late at night. When I looked at her I felt ashamed. She often talked about the wonderful life marriage and children would bring. But with Tad as her husband she would surely be disappointed. She was a virgin and she was adamant about keeping it but if persuaded the right way… She was the one.
I stood up and stretched my back. Some women looked up from their books or needlepoint but none were too concerned. I walked around the room and stopped at Lady Elizabeth's chair.
"Lady Elizabeth?"
"Yes Your Majesty?" she asked looking up at me.
"Would you care to accompany me for a walk out to the gardens?"
"A walk Your Majesty?" She looked to Lady Regan and Regan studied me curiously.
"I might want to have a discussion about a certain someone's birthday present and you might be the only one who will keep the secret." I said smiling playfully at my other ladies. Some rolled their eyes and some begged to join but Elizabeth took the bait and joined me for a walk.
As we reached the battlements the sun was setting. "I like to come up here to watch the sun set. It's so beautiful." I said leaning against the high stonewall.
"Yes." She said copying me.
"But then again you know everything about beauty." I said studying her face in the light.
"Your Majesty?" She asked uncomfortable.
"You are very beautiful." I said with a smile and she blushed.
"Thank you."
"How old are you?"
"16." She answered studying the ground below.
"And you have never been touched by a man before?" I asked studying her. She blushed a deep red but I knew it was from the thought of it not the actual action.
"No Your Majesty." She whispered.
"Good." I sighed. "You're better off that way." I walked past her and looked down at the grounds. I watched Tad brushing down a horse and laughing with the other riders. "But I hear you are considering Tad to be one of your suitors?"
"I-He-Your Majesty-" She stammered and I smiled.
"It's ok Elizabeth. He is very handsome and you would have handsome children." She smiled brightly and I took her hand. "I only fear that he will hurt you."
"Hurt me?" She frowned and I turned away. I felt so evil but I couldn't stop myself.
"He seems to be the man…the type of man to only want one thing from a woman."
"One thing?" She whispered following me closely.
"Yes. One thing. Do you know what that one thing is?" I asked and her pure innocent face told me no. "Sex." She blushed again and turned away.
"He is not that kind of man. He assured me."
"Yet every time he's with you he kisses you or makes some comment about sex." She stopped walking which let me know that it was true. "He will hurt you because of your inexperience. I know you love him and I'm sure he loves you."
"He does."
"But you need to understand. He is a man who needs to find his match. He needs a woman just as experienced, who can teach him a thing or two. Marrying him in your current state would destroy you and your marriage."
"What shall I do?"
"That brings me to the reason we are here." I turned away and looked down at Tad. "I need my husband to be- taken care of."
"Your Majesty I-"
"I don't trust any of the women he has seen and I don't trust any of my other ladies as much as I trust you. I want you to be happy and I want him to be happy. This way you will learn and he will be occupied until my son is born."
"And if I am to be with child? Tad shall not love me then? He tells me constantly that the idea of me being a virgin makes him-"
"Do not worry dear Elizabeth. A baby can be taken care of and as for your virginity…well that can be sorted." She looked down at Tad and then back at me.
"You are sure this will work?"
"Absolutely." I said and with that the deal was struck.
The next night I set it up perfectly. Adam had been drinking in the great hall with his men and women had been parading around the room all night, but they were all women he had before. I dressed Elizabeth in a rich red dress and dressed her hair in loose curls before pushing her into the room. I gave her tips on flirting and she mastered it perfectly. She flirted with everyone but the king and when he approached her she denied him. As he got drunk he became more persistent. She looked at me hiding in the shadows and I nodded to her. It was disgusting to hear the same words used on her that were once used on me. She excused herself and we hurried up to his chamber. I dismissed the servants, letting them think it was I waiting for him and I told Elizabeth what to do. I sat her by the window and I unlaced her dress enough that it would be easy to take off. Then I went back to my chambers and pretended like nothing was amiss. When Elizabeth entered the parlor in the early morning, with tousled hair and her dress half on, and a stupid smile on her face I knew I had accomplished it.
'Well?" I asked and she jumped.
"It…he…I."
"Did he enjoy it?" She made no sound. "Speak up girl."
"I believe so."
"When will you see him again?"
"He…His Majesty never said." I groaned and stood up.
"You must try harder to keep his attention. Flirt with him more and deny him more. Pretend like you feel guilty for betraying your Queen."
"But Your Majesty said-"
"I give you permission to warm my husband's bed but to enjoy it I did not permit. Don't start filling your head with ideas of romance or it will be the end of you."
Without another word I went into my room and shut the door. I climbed into my bed, closed my eyes and cried the rest of the night away.
In my last month of pregnancy I could barely walk. It was hot and humid and I was swollen and grumpy. I walked around in a nightgown all day and sent my ladies on food errands constantly.
Elizabeth, from the gossip around the castle had become Adam's mistress. He had given her gifts of jewelry and perfumes. He dined with her regularly and she often left right after prayers. He barely spoke to me anymore but to occasionally ask how I was feeling.
On this particular day I woke in the middle of the night, hot and aching. I was craving water and seeing as everyone was sleeping I decided to go for a swim in the river. I threw on my night coat and silently left the room.
It took me a lot longer than expected to get to the lake and halfway there I almost turned back. But the sound of the water called me further and further and when it touched my bare feet I sighed. I took off my coat and walked into the water. I felt goose bumps rise as my hot body cooled. I got up to swollen belly and knelt in the water, dipping my head back briefly.
"This has a familiar feel to it." Tad's voice came from the shore. I jumped and clutched my chest.
"You gave me a fright." I said with a sigh.
"I'm sorry Your Majesty." He smirked.
"You would've been if I had gone into labour."
"From the shock? You wish." He laughed again and sat down on the grass.
"I do actually. This baby has been the heaviest of them all." I said as I climbed out of the water and lay beside him in the grass. My stomach stuck up like a ball and the baby's movements were clearly visible.
"Does it hurt?" He asked as I winced with a kick.
"Only when he kicks me in the ribs." I said and Tad reached his hand out and touched my stomach. The baby kicked right where his hand was and he smiled at me.
"Amazing." He said and kept feeling my stomach. He went quiet and a thought passed over his face.
"What is it?"
"Do you think- never mind." He dropped his hand and looked away.
"What?" I asked sitting up, well struggling to sit up.
"Do you think, this child… is mine?" he whispered and looked around to see if anyone was watching.
"It's possible." I sighed thinking the same thought. He studied my face and then grinned. He bent down and kissed my stomach. "Don't let any romantic ideas fill your head. I am married."
"To the King I know." He smiled again and then kissed me. "I just never thought I would have one child, let alone two."
"Well if you married Elizabeth you'd have plenty."
"Elizabeth?"
"My lady in waiting. She's already seen the doctor, twice." His face darkened for a second and he shook his head.
"She is the King's mistress. Any man who pursued her would be a fool." He looked out onto the water.
"Plus you've already had her." He turned back to me and smiled. "You're a cheeky bugger. I don't know why I let you stay in my company." I laughed and shook my head.
"It could be my sense of humour, my charm or my large-" He said looming over me.
"Alright thank you." I laughed and he kissed me again. " I just… I'm worried that I made a mistake in letting her be his mistress."
"Worried how?"
"She's young and beautiful. And things aren't exactly wonderful with Adam and I. What if she tries to over run me?" I rubbed my belly gently and was worried.
"I wont let that happen." He said, tucking a wet strand of hair behind my ear.
"You can't promise me that."
"I can and I will. You want her gone?" I thought about this for a moment and then nodded.
"Then so shall it be." He said kissed my forehead and helped me up.
"What are you going to do? Marry her?"
"You'll see. You'll see." He said with a smile I had never seen before. And as we walked up to the castle I got a chill down my spine.
I went into labour two days later. Elizabeth was still prancing around my rooms wearing her latest gift, a feather hat. I made me want to throw up. I was sitting at my writing desk answering a letter to Maria when I felt the first pain. Elizabeth and Joan were sitting in the corner giggling and watching me with maliciousness. I remember thinking that I'd like to hit their heads together. When I felt the first pain I inhaled deeply and everyone went quiet.
"Your Majesty?" Helen asked, rushing to my side.
"Find Regan and get the midwife." I said as a wet liquid poured from between my legs.
"The baby's coming!" Sophie cried and all the girls smiled.
"This is not a laughing matter you fools." Helen snapped. She started ordering each one to do something and as I was being helped into my bed I watched Elizabeth approach her.
"You have not given me anything to do." She said with a certain cheek.
"That's because we don't need you." Helen said without even glancing at her.
"I could hold the babe when it's born." She smiled as she imagined a babe in her arms.
"If you think your filthy hands will touch the little Prince you can think again." She scowled at her. "Go do what your good at and comfort the King." She said turning away from Elizabeth and leaving her out of all the excitement. As the doors closed Elizabeth's tear filled eyes caught mine and I frowned at her. I had ruined her forever and I was realizing it for the first time.
Two hours of screaming horrible labour and my second son, Anthony Phillip was born. Short blonde hair and dark blue eyes, just like his brother. I smiled as I looked down at my sleeping baby and touched his soft face. Everyone was quiet now and was letting me rest. Marcia was going to bring Albert and Addie later I was assured but I could not sleep until they met.
There was a knock on my door and I smiled with anticipation as it opened. But when there was no sound of two pairs of little feet I frowned. Adam stood in my doorway and sighed.
"How are you?"
"Fine." I said studying Anthony's face.
"Another boy." He said sitting on the edge of my bed. I nodded and handed him the baby. Like Albert he noticed nothing out of sorts. "He's perfect."
"He's a tough one. Practically killed me." I said resting back against the pillows.
"Isn't it worth it? Isn't it worth all the pain and fighting to know that we have another son?"
"You push a baby that large out of your ass and see how much worth you feel it is." I snapped. I wasn't mad at the baby I was just mad. He studied me and sighed.
"How did we get here?" He whispered to the baby and kissed his head before handing him back to me. He didn't even look at me; he just got up and walked to the door.
"Adam." I wanted to hurt him. I wanted him to feel the same pain I was feeling. I wanted him to know that I no longer loved him. "I will not be having any more children." I said. He turned and looked at me with a sadness I have never seen. Then he scowled laughed and sarcastically. "We'll see." He said slamming the door behind him, causing the baby to cry and Goosebumps appear over my body.
