Thanks for the review! :)


Chapter five

Past

Vinnie quickly zipped his pants and looked down at Elena. She was lying on the ground, her eyes still wide open. One tear escaped her left eye, but she didn't even blink. She was clearly in shock. Vinnie hesitated for a moment, but he wasn't thinking straight at the moment. He decided to leave her here. But then it hit him.
Shit. What had he done? Fuck. Fuck, fuck…
"FUCK!", he screamed. He slammed his fist against the wall. The wood shattered and he saw the blood on his hand. But he didn't feel any pain. Dammit. Goddammit. What a mess. What a way of life… He wanted to feel guilt. He knew he needed to feel guilty, after what he had done to this poor girl. But that's why he was so angry. He didn't feel guilt. He didn't feel anything. Only anger.
"Fuck this shit", he growled and he marched outside. He slammed the door from the barn behind him, but when he wanted to walk away, he bumped into someone. Vinnie looked down and saw that irritating friend of Elena. Great. Just great. She looked at him with wide eyes, but he saw determination in it. That was not good. Before he even thought about what his next move was gonna be, he had already grabbed her by the shirt and pulled her close to him. She let out a soft scream and he moved his face close to hers. Their noses almost touched each other. She stared at him, now with fear in her eyes. Good. Fear was good.
"If you tell anyone about this, I will hunt you down and rip your head off. Understand?", he growled between clenched teeth. The girl nodded, even she hadn't any clue where he was talking about. But she would find out, soon enough. Vinnie let her go and pushed her away. She stumbled and fell on the ground. But Vinnie was already gone.
He decided he needed to find another place to get drunk from now on. He knew there was a bar on the other side of town. So, he jumped on his bike and drove away, with no regret.

Weeks past by. Vinnie spend every evening and night at the bar and slept the whole day. After that horrible night, after what he had done… The darkness inside of him took him over completely. He didn't want to feel anymore. He didn't want to live anymore. Every night when he went to bed, he just wished he wasn't going to wake up the next day. But every day, he opened his eyes again. And that made him even more angry. He needed the alcohol to calm his nerves, to stop the restless feeling inside of him. He had completely lost his way. His reputation had preceded him. He was one of the most feared mice in town. Vinnie was fine with it. They left him alone because they were scared. Nobody dared to stand in his way. The few who did, well… You know. Almost every night, another girl went with him to his house. Or sometimes, they didn't even made it to the house. But he had one rule. No girl was allowed to sleep in his bed. They needed to leave as soon they were finished. They all obeyed. Well, he could be very convincing.
So, time past by, but Vinnie hardly noticed. His father had tried to talk to him multiple times, but Vinnie never listened. No, Finn had his chance. But he fucked up, big time. It was too late. His mom still ignored him, but he didn't care anymore. He actually didn't care about anything anymore. He had done everything to forget his pain. He had build huge walls around him, so nobody could come close to him. So that nobody could hurt him.
In the meantime, the Plutarkians slowly started attacking Mars. But Vinnie wasn't scared of them. He wasn't scared of anything anymore.

It was a busy night at the bar, since it was saturday. Vinnie was chilling on the couch, his favorite spot, drinking a glass of Martian Liquor. When the door opened, he turned his head to see who came inside. He almost dropped his glass.
Throttle.
He hadn't talked to him since that day he got into his first fight at school. Wauw. That felt years ago. But in reality, it was only a few months ago. But what was the tan furred mouse doing here? It was nothing like him to be in a bar where only the outcast came.
Throttle searched the crowd and his gaze stopped on Vinnie. Vinnie could see the shock on his face. He decided to take Throttle outside, because he suddenly realized what he was doing here. Lecture him. No way that anybody was gonna witness that.
Vinnie jumped at his feet and walked over to Throttle. He grabbed his arm and dragged him outside.
When they were standing on a place with enough privacy, Vinnie let him go.
"What the fuck are you doing here, Throttle?", he asked with a low voice, his eyes narrowed.
Throttle shook his head, clearly shocked to see Vinnie like this.
"I came here to check on you. It's been a while… I eh… I must say… You look… wauw… Since when are you so muscular?"
Vinnie shook his head.
"Stop with the small talk. What are you doing here? Let me guess, my father asked you."
Throttle sighed.
"He is worried sick about you, Vin. And now I understand why. He should be worried. What the hell happened to you?"
"Life happened to me. And my dad should give up. He had his chance. He fucked up. Big time."
"Come on, Vin. This isn't who you are… I hear stories about you. I didn't believe them at first. But now… Jezus Vinnie… Why are you doing this to yourself…?"
"Stop. I don't want to hear any of this shit. This is who I am. If you don't like it, that's your problem. But don't you dare to make it my problem. Just leave me the fuck alone." Vinnie turned around.
"Vinnie, wait… Talk to me, bro. Just tell me what happened to you…"
Vinnie froze. He slowly turned around, his tail lashing through the air.
"Really? You know my story, Throttle. You know what happened to me. But you decided to stand on the sideline, just like everybody else. Everyone has let me down. So, I'm on my own now. But you know what? That's okay. I don't care anymore. About anything. I advise you to do the same. Forget about me. And leave me alone, for fuck sake."
"You do care, Vinnie. Otherwise you wouldn't be so mad all the time. Jezus, the things that happened to you... You didn't deserve any of that shit. Heck, I would be just as mad if these things had happened to me. But I know, that deep down, the real you is still in there. But now, you are turning into the person you hate so much, namely; your mother. And you need to know that I am here to help you. You're right, I didn't do enough to help you. And I'm sorry. But I'm here for you now, bro. Not because your father asked me to, because I want it myself…"
Vinnie stared at him. For a second, he let himself think what would happen if he accepted Throttle's help. But then he shook his head. No. It would probably turn out into a great disappointment. Trust nobody, only yourself.
"Go away, Throttle. Just leave me alone. Forget about me. It's for the best." Vinnie turned around and walked away, leaving Throttle speechless behind.

When Vinnie was back inside, he felt restless. The conversation with Throttle had made impact, no matter how hard he tried to deny it. He suddenly felt his anger flame up again. God dammit. Why did Throttle came here? Why did he still care? He wanted to sit on the couch again, but there was another mouse sitting now.
"Move", he growled.
The mouse looked up at him, but didn't stand up. His friends had recognized Vinnie and tried to make their friend stand up, but the mouse still didn't move.
"Come on Cole, let it go…", but Cole looked challenging at Vinnie.
Vinnie narrowed his eyes. This mouse looked somehow familiar. But he couldn't place it.
"So, you must be Vinnie…", Cole said slowly. Vinnie clenched his fists.
"I said; move. Now."
"I take that as a yes. So it is you who raped my sister…"
Ah. Elena. That's why the mouse looked familiar. How the hell did he know it was him who had done that to his sister?
Ah well, who cares? He sure didn't. Not anymore. Let's play a little with his head.
One corner of Vinnie's mouth curled up into a arrogant smile.
"Oooh, you mean Elena? Yeah, I remember her. Sweet, naive, young Elena…" Vinnie's smile grew bigger when he saw how Cole jumped up in anger. He just couldn't help himself. He loved to provoke people. Especially now, since he was already on edge because of the talk with Throttle.
"You son of a bitch. How could you do that to her?"
The two mice stood against each other, almost nose to nose. His friends tried to stop him, but Elena's brother was apparently determined to make Vinnie pay. Ugh. As if he had a chance...
"She practically begged me for it… And oh boy, how she liked it…", Vinnie said, provoking the brother even more.
"You're disgusting! At least have the balls to admit what you did!" and Cole raised his hand, his fist clenched. But when he tried to hit Vinnie, the white furred mouse grabbed his arm in a iron grip and twisted Cole's arm on his back. Cole now stood with his back to Vinnie and the latter leaned forward, still holding the arm.
"You wanna hear the truth? Fine. I fed her drunk, I took her with me, I pushed her on the ground, I ripped off her clothes… She was so tight… She didn't stop crying, begging me to stop. But I didn't… Oh boy, do you know how it feels to fuck a virgin? It really is something to die for…", he whispered in Cole's ear. Cole was breathing heavily, tears were streaming over his face. Vinnie let him go and pushed him away. His friends catched him and dragged him quickly to the door. But before they were able to take him outside, Cole turned around. He looked at Vinnie with disgust written on his face, pure hatred in his eyes.
"What happened to you that you became such a monster? I almost feel sorry for you… You will pay for what you did. You will live your whole live alone, with nobody by your side. With no love, no joy, no happiness… And I sure hope you live long enough to feel the loneliness. To suffocate in it!" and he turned around and walked outside with his friends.

Vinnie let out his breath and sat down at the couch. Jezus. What an annoying guy. He grabbed his glass and stared at the liquor. He tried to feel anything, anything else than anger, frustration and sorrow. He searched for guilt. But he didn't find it. But he had to admit. Cole's words had hit him. His hands started to shake and he felt suddenly the urge to cry. No. NO! He jumped up and smashed his glass against the wall. It exploded into thousand pieces. The whole bar fell silent and stared at him.
"What are you looking at?", he screamed in anger. Everybody quickly continued with what they were doing. Vinnie ran outside, into the desert. He fell on his knees and he grabbed his head.
"Stop… stop… STOP!", he yelled. He didn't want to cry. Crying was for the weak. He wasn't weak, not anymore. He took a few deep breaths. Slowly, he calmed down a little. But his heart was pounding in his chest. No matter how hard he tried to ignore it, to push it away, it was still there. That little voice in his head.
"What happened to you that you became such a monster?"
He bend over, his eyes squeezed, breathing heavily.
"Please, stop. I'm no monster…" but the voice didn't burdge.
"You are a monster. And you know it…"

Another few weeks past by. Not that Vinnie really noticed what happened in these weeks. Since his little outburst a few weeks ago, he was drunk. Every hour, every minute he was awake, he was drunk.
After a night full with meaningless sex, fights and a lot of alcohol, he was stumbling home. He hardly could walk and he fell on the ground a few times.
When he finally arrived at his place, he froze. What the fuck? He shook his head a couple of times, he rubbed his eyes over and over again. But everytime he opened them again, the image wasn't changed. He stared at the place where his home used to be. But it was nothing more than a krater now. Smoke was circling into the air, the smell of burned wood and flesh was hanging in the air. He fell on his knees, since his legs couldn't carry his weight anymore. And he just stared at it. He couldn't believe this. He never had thought that the Plutarkians were gonna be a real threat. And he sure couldn't believe that his parents were gone.
He suddenly felt the urge to laugh. This was crazy. Beyond crazy. His parents, who made his life so miserable, were dead. BOOM. Exploded into a thousand pieces. They probably didn't even notice. Such a easy way to die. How ironic. That they got away with all this so easily. And that they left him behind. They just left him behind, with all this shit to deal with. Everything they had done to him… he was dragging this burdon with him every day, every minute, every second… And they just left him. Thank you and goodbye. Some heritage...
Vinnie's hands were shaking, his tail lashed through the air. He tried to stop it, but he couldn't. He felt his lips curled into a smile and before he knew it, he was laughing out loud. It was like somebody took over his body. He heard himself laughing, but it didn't sound joyfull. No, it sounded hysterical. Maniacal. He tried to stop, but it was no use. He was lying on the ground, laughing so hard that his belly hurted, his cheeks cramped…
He had done everything to make his mother see him. But since that day, she never had spoke to him again. And he was so angry about it. He hated her. How many times he just wanted her to die? But now, he started to realize she was gone. Really gone. And he suddenly wished she was still here. That she would take him in her arms. That he could cry on her shoulder. That he could tell her he still loved her, even now. That he could tell her how sorry he was for everything he had done. That he could ask her to be his mom again. But she was gone. Just like his father… Ah man, his father…
He had tried on his own way to make Vinnie happy. He did everything he could to be there for his son. But Vinnie just pushed him away. And he suddenly wished he hadn't. He wished that his father was still here. That he would take him in his arms. That he could cry on his shoulder. That he could tell him he still loved him, even now. That he could tell him how sorry he was for everything he had done. That he could ask him to be his dad again. But he was gone… And he just wished he could tell both of them how sorry he was that he was such a disappointment to them. Jezus...
Vinnie had thought he was alone before all this. And that he was fine with that. But now, he was really alone. And he wasn't fine with that at all. No, he was scared. Emotions whirled inside of him, he didn't know what to do with it. He was laughing and crying at the same time, he felt like he was really losing his mind right now. Every muscle in his body was tensed, tears were streaming out of his eyes, his throat was burning like it was on fire… He heard himself scream in agony, still with that hysterical laughing and crying between it. Why wasn't he here tonight? Why had he left? Why wasn't he lying in his bed, like a normal teenager and why, for fuck sake why, didn't he die with his parents?
He vaguely noticed that someone was kneeling next to him, but he couldn't see who it was. He didn't really care, though.
"Vinnie?"
Throttle's voice. Vinnie ignored him, struggling to get air.
"Vinnie, easy now, little bro… Easy… I'm here…"
Vinnie perked his ears. Did he hear fear in Throttle's voice? He turned his head and looked at the tan furred mouse. Throttle looked back at him, shock in his eyes, but also warmth.
"They.. they are gone, bro…", Vinnie managed to say, his voice hoarse. Throttle nodded.
"I know, little bro… I'm so sorry…"
"No… no sorry… It's just… I wish I was there… to die with them…", Vinnie whispered. Throttle breathed in sharply.
"Come on, Vin. You are coming with me, to my place. We will help you, Vinnie. I will help you. I promise you this; I will be always by your side. I will help you to control yourself. I will do everything it takes to get you back on your feet. You're not alone. Come on."
Vinnie managed to get on his feet. Throttle supported him and they slowly walked to Throttle's house.

"Oh my god, Vincent… Come here, boy", Star breathed when Throttle and Vinnie came in. She pulled Vinnie in her arms and stroked his back.
"Easy now…", she whispered, holding him tightly. Vinnie just stood there, feeling empty and dead. His body was still shaking, he still felt tears streaming over his face. But on the inside, he felt numb. But he accepted her holding him.
"Come, let's get you on the couch. I will make you some warm milk."
Star guided him to the livingroom and set Vinnie on the couch. Throttle followed them and sat down on the chair next to the couch. Star gave him a meaningful look and left the room. Vinnie's breathing was still heavily, coming out in rapid breaths. He was shaking uncontrollably, his eyes were wide open. He needed to calm down. Where was the tough mouse he liked so much? Gone for now. Great. The moment things really got though, he was back to the scared, little deer.
Star came back with a steaming mug and gave it to Vinnie. He took it with shaking hands, trying to hold the mug still. He sniffed and smelled the comfortable scent of warm milk with a hint of honey. He sighed and closed his eyes. He took a sip and felt how the warm drink warmed up his body from the inside. Slowly, he calmed down. The shaking slowly stopped. The tears stopped. He could breathe again. When the mug was empty, he opened his eyes.
"There you go…", Star whispered, rubbing his back.
At that point, Tread walked in. He grabbed a chair and sat down across from Vinnie, so he could look him in the eye.
"Vincent. I am so sorry for your loss. No words can describe how sorry I am. No child should be orphan at such a young age…", he said warmly. Vinnie slowly nodded, he still didn't trust his voice enough to say something back.
"Look at me, Vincent." Vinnie slowly lifted his head and looked at Tread. The tan furred mouse was looking at him with sympathy, but no pity. Vinnie was grateful for that. He didn't want pity. There was also pain in his eyes. But no surprise there. Vinnie had lost his parents, but Tread and Star had lost two good friends.
"Listen. Listen to me very carefully. I've heard from Throttle how you've lived your life the last couple of months. I heard stories I didn't want to believe, but knew they were truth. You have done some terrible things, Vincent."
Still, no judgement. No anger. And there it was. The shame. The guilt. It took his breath away.
"You can stay with us, we will take care of you as family. We will do everything to help you. To get you back on track. But I expect the same from you. If you want to live here, you live by our rules. We run this household with love and respect. So, no more going out, no more drinking, no more sex and no more fighting. You are only sixteen years old. It's time you are gonna act like one. I don't expect it's going to be easy, I'm sure you will slip sometimes. But if I see you are trying, really trying, we will be there for you to help you get back on your feet. We can't change the past, but we sure can change the future. You need to understand that I respect every decision you make. But if it doesn't fit in our lifestyle, you are on your own. Are you up to it? You think you can do it?"
Vinnie processed all this. But he already knew he was gonna take this chance. He needed them.
"I eh… Yeah. I'm up to it. Dammit, I don't know what to say… Thanks…", he stuttered. Tread clapped him on the shoulder.
"No problem, buddy. I can't promise everything is gonna be okay, but I can promise you this: we are gonna do everything it takes to try to make everything okay."

Vinnie was lying in bed, clenching his fist, breathing heavily. It has been a week since his parents died and he was having a hard time to lay off the alcohol. But he had promised that he would. He had promised that to himself. Because if he didn't, he was on his own again. And he didn't want to be on his own again. Never again. He was twisting and turning in his bed. The pain inside was eating him. Ever since that night, he was feeling again. And it was slowly killing him. The shame. The guilt. The pain because of the past. The sorrow because of the loss of his parents. The guilt about what he had done… He growled and pushed his face into the pillow, his jaws clenched with so much strength, it almost hurted. He was losing his mind over here. He jumped out of the bed. Enough was enough. There was only that much a mouse could take. He sure couldn't take this any longer. He needed a drink. And fast.
He almost ran out of his room and stumbled down the stairs. But when he was standing before the liquor collection from Tread, something stopped him. He started pacing, mumbling to himself.
"You can't do this. If you do, you throw away everything you have left now. But I don't want to feel this anymore. I can't handle this. It's too much. I'm weak… I'm weak…"
"You okay, Vinnie?"
Vinnie almost jumped out of his fur and saw Throttle standing close to him.
"Yeah, fine… Just restless.. I couldn't sleep", he quickly said, not wanting Throttle to see his weakness.
"I know you want something to drink. I can see you really need it. You are desperate, thinking that the alcohol is the only way to ease the pain… But it isn't. Sometimes, you need to accept the pain. Embrace it. Stop running from it. Only then, you can process it and only then, things will get better in time. But nobody said it was going to be easy."
Vinnie stared at him. Was he crazy? Accept it? Embrace it? Ugh. No way.
"Eh, thanks… I guess… I will go back to bed now. Goodnight", he said and quickly went back to his room.
He lay down again and pulled the blanket over his head. But instead of feeling restless again, he felt something else. Proud. He blinked his eyes. He hadn't felt proud for a long time now. He investigated the feeling. Yeah. He was proud. Of himself. Because he hadn't admitted to his urge to drink. No. A little smile curled his lips. Maybe he wasn't that weak. And suddenly, he felt determined to fight. Fight against his needs. Fight to be a better person again. And with that little smile still on his face, he fell asleep.

Present

Violet was sitting next to Vinnie's bed. Throttle was sitting next to her. Two months had been passed, and Vinnie was still out. But, his body was showing signs he was coming closer to the surface.
"Will he be awake when our baby is gonna be born, Throttle?", she asked.
It was not the first time she asked. No, she almost asked Throttle the same question every day, every hour. Throttle didn't care, though. He completely understood her fears. But he just wished he could give her an answer. Not because he was tired of her asking him the same question over and over again, no… He wished he could ease her pain, take away her worries. But he couldn't. So, he said what he always said when she asked him this.
"We can only hope, Violet. Don't lose hope."
Violet smiled at him and looked back at Vinnie. She suddenly gasped.
"He is smiling! Look, Throttle! He is smiling!", she said urgently.
Throttle looked and saw she was right. A little smile curled the lips from the white furred mouse.
"That's a good sign, isn't it?", Violet asked, almost desperate. Throttle nodded and gently took her hand.
"Yeah, Vi… it is…"


Please review! :)