And so, this time, the battle between Reimu and Sanae was the only one we happened to witness. We were not privy to any of the fights that occurred on the way up the mountain or either of the incident resolver's matches against Kanako, though I imagine that against the backdrop of the night sky and above the mirror-like lake they must have been quite the spectacle to see.
For the three of us, we were much too busy with other matters to watch the fight.
-.-.-.-.-
"Ummm, is Renko really OK?"
"She's fine. She just decided to rush in without thinking and self-destruct by saying something idiotic. I apologize for the disturbance. Once you get to know her you'll realize she's just always like this."
"It was a bit surprising to hear something like that out of her. 'Oh just switch shrines, it'll be fine' is uh... a little out there. I'm sorry that I yelled though."
"Don't worry too much about it, Renko's always saying ridiculous things like that. If anything, I'm glad she got a bit of a reality check for once."
"I see. Still though, she seems pretty upset. Should I try to comfort her?"
"Just leave her, she's had this coming."
Sanae and I were standing in the kitchen attached to the living quarters in the back half of the outer shrine, looking into the living room, where Renko was crouched in the corner in the dark, morosely drawing tiny swirls on the tatami with her fingertip.
"Besides, I'm more concerned about you, Sanae. Are you sure you're alright? Reimu isn't really the sort to hold back."
"I'll be alright. My shoulder is a little sore and I'll need to mend these robes later, but Lady Kanako wouldn't let any harm come to me." As she said this she poked a finger through one of the holes in her vest and wiggled it at me with a faint smile. After a moment though she tilted her head and looked me over with an assessing gaze. "You know, now that I think about it, you and Renko never much reacted to seeing me fly, and now you've just seen me fight with a shrine maiden and wield the power of a god, but you're still treating me just the same. Are you two really from the Outside world?"
I wondered what sort of expression I should put on my face in response to a question like that, but I did my best to give her a reassuring smile. This must have been why she had been surprised when I reached out a hand to help her up just now as well. I must have looked much the same as she now did just after I first told Renko about my eyes. A reaction of revulsion or shock would have been expected. To see nothing but acceptance in another's face after such a revelation was entirely new.
"Ah, I see why you might think that. We've been in Gensokyo for a while now though and that sort of thing is almost normal here."
"Normal? Really?"
"Well, for a human to be able to go toe-to-toe with Reimu is actually pretty rare, but we probably know more people who can fly and use danmaku than people who can't. From the moment we first saw you fly, I figured your abilities would have been at about this level." Hearing myself say it, I caught myself thinking 'I sound like Renko right now' and immediately clammed up. Renko's materialist thinking had been a bad influence on me. I shouldn't be making value judgements about what might be 'real' or 'normal', but instead allowing each individual to define those terms for themselves. That was the role of a Relative Psychologist. Trying to make Sanae feel like she fit within the bounds of a singular window of acceptable humanity was the sort of thing the objectivists of yesteryear might have done.
"Is that really true? I guess I don't have much of an understanding of what the common sense of Gensokyo is like." Sanae looked down, nervously re-arranging her hands in her lap. I searched for the right words to say. How was it that Renko always had such an easy time with moments like this, knowing just the right thing to say to deal with any situation, no matter how bizarre?
I felt like I could at least understand her position. Sanae had a power that other people didn't know about. One they wouldn't be able to understand, or comprehend the burdens of. Most people would have no idea what it was like to live with such a power, and those who she told would treat her differently for it. Maybe they wouldn't believe her. Maybe they would shun her. Maybe they would see her as a useful tool, or an inconvenience or an abomination. There were any number of possible outcomes, but acceptance for who she was wouldn't seem like one of them.
It was something I was all too familiar with. How many childhood friends had I lost for thinking that just maybe they might be the one who I could safely confide in? The only thing I had learned was that no matter how well you knew someone, you couldn't predict their reaction to such a revelation. Someone you had thought of as your friend for years could turn on you in an instant.
Now if only I could find a way to put these feelings in to words at the time that they were needed rather than well after the fact when I sit down to record this story.
-.-.-.-.-
"I think that I should tell you both the truth then," Sanae said, still looking down, but with determination in her voice.
"The truth?"
While I had been trying to find words of comfort, Sanae appeared to have come to a decision. She looked up, staring me straight in the eyes.
"I am also a god."
"uh... what?"
"A living god. That's... what I am."
We stood in the doorway of the kitchen in the dark as Sanae told me her story. Behind her, Renko was moping in the corner of the living room, but about halfway through, her curiosity got the better of her self-pity and I saw her straighten up to listen more actively. By the time the story was done, she had stood up and was walking over to us. I've recorded everything Sanae said to us below:
-.-.-.-.-
For untold generations my family has been descended from a long line of priests who have dedicated their lives to the service of the goddess Moriya. The practice of serving the goddess has faded over time though, as the number of worshippers inducted into the her cult declined and the power of the goddess dwindled. My mother decided that she would be the last of the wind priestesses and after my birth, I wouldn't be trained. Her mother agreed with her. My parents then died in a traffic accident when I was just a baby. I don't remember them, but my grandmother raised me. She was a wind priestess too, and when I was placed in her care she decided to raise me as a normal girl. Although we still lived at the shrine, she never taught me about the gods.
The only problem was... I could see them. I always could. When my parents died, Lady Kanako and Lady Suwako stayed with me every moment of the day. I never felt abandoned because of them. I was four before I learned to tell the difference between humans and gods, and remember which ones everyone could see and which ones only appeared to me. I've always thought of Lady Kanako and lady Suwako as my parents. Grandmother tried her best, and provided a lot of care, but she couldn't be there all the time like those two could, pouring their love and support into me.
Grandmother could see Lady Kanako and Lady Suwako too, but only sometimes, and only here at the shrine. We lived together like a family of four in most ways, but only when we were at home. Outside the house, and outside of our family no one knew about the goddesses, and no one else could see or hear them. Even grandmother couldn't hear them all the time, and she said they were hard for her to see, like ghosts or shadows of real people.
My grandmother told me not to tell anyone else about the gods I saw, but for a child, something like that is impossible. What child could deny the existence of their own parents? I was already ostracized for not having a mother and father at home like the other children, but adding in the fact that I talked about and to things the other children couldn't see was enough to make sure I was always an outcast.
Maybe that's as it should be. I can't deny that I'm different than the other children were.
I decided early on that I wanted to become a wind priestess. I could see, hear, even touch the gods -how could I not have followed such a calling? My grandmother was against the idea, but I was insistent and she eventually relented. They let me begin my training at an early age. With Lady Kanako and Lady Suwako guiding me, getting through all of the training was simple. As a wind priestess I learned to call upon the powers of the goddesses. Perhaps because of my bloodline, or perhaps because I had spent so much time with the goddesses I was particularly apt at it. I could embody their power to call forth divine winds or create miracles.
The other members of the priesthood thought I was something special. They considered me to be a saint or living goddess, an embodiment of divine virtue and the equal of Lady Kanako or Lady Suwako, but I always saw my power as just a way of repaying the debt I owed to the two goddesses, who had always loved and supported me even when no one else would. I had always wanted to help Lady Kanako and Lady Suwako. I knew that faith in them was waning, and without faith a god will eventually fade away. My faith alone wasn't enough to sustain them, and the more I demonstrated my powers, the more the faith of the priests would shift from the gods they had always worshipped but never seen, to myself, who they could see walking amongst them. By my nature, my presence was slowly eroding the faith that sustained the two most important people in my life.
Even among my family, my level of power was unusual. Something that hadn't been seen or even heard of in living memory. I wonder if maybe my grandmother knew that, and that was why she hadn't wanted me to join the priesthood. If she might have suspected how it would change my life.
It began with my carelessness. I was thrilled with the power I had discovered, and one day one of my uncles saw me exercising it. His first thought was to turn me into a business. Lady Suwako did something to him. I don't know what, but he was convinced to abandon the attempt. It didn't stop the rumors though. Word got out that I could perform miracles, and people started to come, demanding them of me. Some of the people really, really needed help. Lady Kanako warned me not to, but I decided to help one lady who had nowhere else to turn. From there, the word spread even further. In the end, the number of people who came asking for help wasn't much different for me than if my uncle's plans for me had gone through.
Day and night people were coming to our door, asking the most outlandish things of me. Grandmother never let them in to see me, but it wasn't long after that... I went in to check on her one morning and she was cold. There was just nothing left in that bed of the woman I knew. I was in high school then, my senior year. The other kids were worried about college entrance exams and getting dates, but my future was already laid out for me, and no one wanted to talk to me. After high school I had a lifetime of people begging me to solve their problems for them to look forward to. The idea of a career or a relationship seemed out of the question. How could I go anywhere or be with anyone when every minute of the day people were going to be trying to find me, and begging me to help them. I didn't even know if I could. So many people would come to me asking me to help them make money, or get someone to fall in love with them, or bring someone back from the dead. I couldn't help with any of those things, they just weren't something the gods could control.
It was winter of that year when Lady Kanako first suggested we come to Gensokyo. She and Lady Suwako always spoke of it like it was a plan to gather more faith and increase their power and influence but... I think they did it for me. I think they wanted to bring me here so that I could escape from the Outside world.
I can't say that I regret the choice to come here. I think I'll be much happier here than I would have been if I had stayed behind. But I wonder if it was right for me to make this choice. If I had remained, then there were lots of people who would ask things of me that were beyond my power to grant. But there are some who I really could have helped. Some people who just needed a lucky break or change of fortune to sort themselves out. But I let all of them down. I abandoned them because I didn't want to be their new god. I just wanted to be a normal human. With a life of my own... and friends... the sort I could have a sleepover with and stay up talking with past midnight. That's why I'm so happy I met you both...
I had always wanted to just be normal... and with you both, I got to be, for just a little bit...
I thought I had finally made a normal friend. But now you've both seen what I really am.
