'He-llo Nym-pha-do-ra.'
Oh bugger thought Tonks, the bitch is feeling playful.
Beside her, Bellatrix giggled. 'Shall I tell you what this is about Nym-pha-do-ra?' Tonks struggled against the 'Petrificus' holding her. 'What, nothing to say? Oh, well. Never mind. I think I shall tell you anyway. I have found a use for muggles. Clever me! Of course some of them will need to be dead first.'
Dread pooled in Tonks' belly. Those Death Eaters who had avoided capture had spent several months living in the best muggle hotels, watching television and keeping room service busy; at least until an argument had brought their presence to the attention of Magical Law Enforcement. According to Rabastan Lestrange, someone had had the temerity to attempt to relieve Bellatrix of the remote control.
'All these pretty, pretty people,' mused Bellatrix. 'All so entirely useless. All occupying a position that should belong to us. Tomorrow, my sweet niece, we shall be at war and the weaker minded amongst us will have to reconsider their priorities. Fight with us or die. And then, when we have thinned the herd, magical shall rule over muggle as is only right and fitting.' Another girlish giggle. 'So you must decide, Nym-pha-do-ra, where your loyalties lie. Tonks felt fingers running down her face. 'Such a pretty thing, she is,' murmured Bellatrix. 'Despite the disgrace to the family that is your existence, we shall have need of overseers. I have decided to let you live. Go and get Snape.' Someone pushed past Tonks and began to force her way along the gap between the audience and the stage towards the black clad figure at the far end, glass glinting in her raised left hand.
Whatever it is Porton Down want back, thought Tonks. Not knowing that Bellatrix fully intended to use the biological warfare agent anyway, none of the Aurors would intervene for fear that the witch might drop it, which she might well do anyway. The muggle audience weren't responding at all well to being shoved.
'Ah yes, Snape,' whispered Bellatrix. 'How very, very foolish of him to walk into my trap.' As Tonks watched, the professor turned and swept down the stage towards them passing the witch who had been sent after him and forcing her to backtrack. When he reached the end he stopped, grasped his academic robes and folded the cloth around himself like a giant bat - a giant, disapproving bat who appeared to be staring right at them.
Bellatrix raised her wand. 'Crucio!'
Immediately, Snape curled up into himself, toppling down the steps at the end of the stage to twitch and jerk, like a great black beetle, on the floor at Tonks' feet. As the 'Petrificus' wore off, the Auror could just move her fingers.
One of the muggles was doing rather more: a tall woman, bottle blond hair piled on top of her head, was attempting to remonstrate with Snape's pursuer. The witch slashed at her with her wand causing the woman to sit back down, dazedly considered her cut sleeve. Bellatrix lowered her wand and smiled as her minion straddled Snape, clearly intending to sit on him and use side-along apparition to take him away to where they could attend to the spy at their leisure.
'Let the traitor remember,' said Bellatrix, 'through all the long years of his dying, that none of those for whom he abandoned the Dark Lord's service ever made a move to save him.'
'You've been watching too many cartoons,' muttered Tonks. Bellatrix swung to face Tonks, madness in her eyes. 'You're ridiculous.' Pathetic. A villain from a children's story, she thought sadly All the complexity that makes us human worn away by Dark Magic. But it's real people who get hurt. Tonks was remembering a summer evening at the Blue Badger, the warmth of Snape's arm around her, the sandalwood and cedar of his body mingling with the jasmine overgrowing the walls of the ancient courtyard.
It had been good.
Slowly, Bellatrix raised her wand.
Behind her, the blonde muggle appeared to come to a decision about her damaged attire and in one smooth movement, launched herself to her stillettoed feet, hoisted the champagne bottle from the ice bucket beside her as she rose, and slammed it into the back of her attacker's head as though naming a ship, quite hard enough to knock herself off balance; a motion she converted into a graceful return to her seat, somehow managing to catch the falling flask on the way down.
That was the signal for the light show to start. As curses flew in all directions, Tonks attempted to fall against Bellatrix. She saw red as the spell hit and then black.
'Tonks?'
'Tonks?'
Tonks sat up fast, twisted onto her elbow and parted with the very little she had eaten all day. Coming back, caviar and smoked salmon bruchetta tasted like the bottom of a pond. 'Water,' she muttered.
She was handed vintage champagne. 'Rinse and spit,' instructed Styles. Tonks looked at him incredulously. 'All I could find.'
Tonks rinsed and spat, sat up and swung her legs over the edge of the table that had appeared in their corner of backstage. 'Who's hurt?' she asked as Styles vanished the mess.
'At least three of them. None of us.' Tonks chugged the rest of the champagne. 'And I think,' Gates continued, 'that Snape might be about to get laid.'
Tonks fountained wine. 'What?'
'What a schnozzle!' supplied Styles.
'What size shoes d'you think he wears?' leered Gates.
Tonks turned to find Potter, Weasley, Granger and even Draco pink and choking with laughter.
'Join the dots, sweetie,' added Gates, sinking to his knees. 'Join . . . the . . . dots.' Tonks' eyes hunted for Snape and found him with his back against the wall, the blonde woman with the killer approach to Champaign bottles leaning against his chest.
'Auntie Patsy is nothing if not . . . direct,' gasped Draco.
'He can turn up the heat and stir my cauldron any day,' squeaked Gates from the floor.
Snape didn't look happy. As Patsy's hand slipped further south he began to look panicked. 'I can't believe he hasn't hexed her,' said Tonks.
'He's surrounded by Aurors,' said Draco. 'Give it another minute.' Tonks stared at her cousin and then put her glass down. Snape did not like being touched, even by those he trusted. Not that he really trusted anyone. She decided to intervene.
'Excuse me. Patsy?' Tonks had seen that look on wildlife programmes; the blonde woman was clearly disinclined to relinquish her prey. 'I can't fault your taste,' Tonks told her, 'but he's mine.'
Snape eyed Tonks warily and the blonde turned to face her. 'It's Ms. Stone and who the hell are you?'
'Nymphadora Tonks. Draco's cousin.'
'The Metamorphmagus?'
Tonks morphed to a younger and highly flattering version of Patsy. Styles and Draco had joined her 'Patsy, you were incredible,' gushed Draco.
'Absolutely fabulous' murmured Styles raising her hand and brushing his lips over her fingers while, from over by the table, Gates gazed admiringly.
Patsy smirked and straightened her hair. 'Yeah, I was. Wasn't I?'
-
Author's note: according to Wikipedia, Patsy's full name is Eurydice Colette Clytemnestra Dido Bathsheba Rabelais Patricia Cocteau Stone, something I feel may be indicative of her background.
Absolutely Fabulous (popularly referred to as "Ab Fab") is a British sitcom written by Jennifer Saunders and starring Saunders (as Edina) and Joanna Lumley (as Patsy) (and doesn't belong to me).
