Author's note: I apologize for the long delay; was dealing with personal stuff. Been working on this chapter for over a month. I hope it is worth the wait. happy reading (; xoxo

Chapter Two: Breathe

Glee does mash-ups all the time, right? So, here is mine!

Suggested listening: From Michelle Branch's sophomore album, Hotel Paper, "Breathe" and

Anna Nalick's acoustic version of "Breathe (2am)"

I stepped inside the anteroom to scrub and gown up. I take a couple of deep breaths to compose myself. My hunger and thirst hit me as I finishing scrubbing my hands. I remember that I didn't even get to eat anything during brunch. I make a mental note to get something as soon as I find out how the baby is. I make my way over to the Medical Director of the NICU (Neonatal Intensive Care Unit). She looks up from the chart she is reading.

"Well, well, look who we have here. If it isn't Doctor Santana Lopez? To what do we owe this honor? You, gracing us with your presence..." Dr. Paquette asks, in a joking manner. Under any other circumstances, I would joke right back at her. But I see her standing over a Giraffe incubator that is labeled "Baby Girl Berry-Pierce." I took a look inside and saw Rachel and Brittany' baby girl: so small and fragile.

"Lisa, this is my niece, my best friends' daughter. I delivered her at my home."

"Oh my God, Santana, I didn't realize. Well, good thing you were there, otherwise I don't think she would have made it," she tells me.

I wince as I hear Lisa say that. We have known each other since our very first day of medical school at Yale. We hit it off immediately after randomly sitting next to each other during orientation and have been best friends ever since. We were lived together in Boston as we completed our residencies. By then, I was with Quinn and she moved in with us, since she got hired at the Museum of Fine Arts, after she completed her Ph.D at Yale. Lisa met Mark, a pediatric resident, who would become her husband, during her residency. She was at Children's Hospital of Boston and I was a quick walk away at Brigham and Women's Hospital. All of us moved to NYC afterwards, with our significant others, where were both was offered fellowships at Columbia-Presbyterian. By virtue of the specialties we had chosen, we saw each other a lot professionally, in dire situations, just as this. I can see her put it all together, as the picture of how this premature infant ended up here. She obviously knows Rachel and Brittany; she realizes why that last name was so familiar. "Holy shit, Lopez. This is Rach's baby? Ohmygod. How is she? How is Brittany?

"Yea, I know, Lise. Rachel was scheduled for an ultrasound next week. Her pregnancy was uneventful, perfect even, until this. It just happened so quickly, you know? I reacted and did what I had to. I stabilized the baby because I knew that was what Rachel would want. Thank god she was still alive once the paramedics arrived. I just finished up in the OR. It was touch and go for a while and she is still in critical condition. If she makes it through the next 24 hours, her chances are really good. So, how is Baby Girl Berry-Pierce?"

Lisa takes a deep breath, exhales, before she speaks: "Well, by dates she was 31weeks but by Ballard it was more like 29 weeks. Intubated on SIMV but she is requiring more support, so if this next ABG is bad, we will have to switch her to an Oscillator." I look at all of the drips she is on: Fentanyl, Versed, Dopamine. All of the wires assembled in a nest around her, making her appear even smaller than she already is. "Triple antibiotics have been started: Ampicillin, Gentamicin, and Cefotaxime." All things considered, she is hanging on, San." Lisa gives me her warm smile and a desperately needed hug. Lisa was the best neonatologist in New York City who happened to be one of my best friends. She took care of the twins, since they were premies too, just not this early.

She changes the conversation, knowing that there is not much more to report. "How are my godchildren, Holden and Harper? (She was their other godmother, along with Brittany and Rachel.) I haven't seen them since their christening and that was months ago." I pull out my iPhone and show her the latest pictures of them. She marvels at them, just as I do each time I see my babies.

"Promise me you will call me with any news, k, Lise? I need to go find Britts and update her," I tell my friend.

"You have my word, Santana. Bring Brittany here as soon as you can. We can explain everything to her together," she answers. We embrace once again, before she is called away to another patient.

I look inside the incubator and I can feel the tears welling up. She just looks so small in there. I think over what happened at home: Did I do everything right? Did I forget something? It was such a blur and I was running on pure adrenaline. I need to find Brittany.

Tina sees Sam and Quinn in front of the giant window of the newborn nursery. A happy memory washes over her: Mike pushing her wheelchair here, so she could see their brand new baby girl, Kathryn Emma, amongst all the newborns. This situation was the complete opposite of that. Santana was all their Ob-Gyn, so she delivered their babies, with the exception of Holden (despite her pleas, she couldn't deliver her own baby) and the triplets, since Mercedes was in Los Angeles at the time. They had all stood in front of this window, seeing all of their "nieces & nephews" after they were born. Now, Baby Girl Berry-Pierce wasn't here, like she should have been. She should have been here like two months from now, not today. She was in the NICU, fighting for her life, just like her mama, and Tina couldn't find her other mother.

"Hey, guys. I can't find Brittany. I looked everywhere I could think of," Tina says defeated.

"No worries, Tina. Santana said she knows where Brittany is. She just went to the NICU to talk to the doctor," Quinn explains.

I walk out of the unit and turn the corner to find them all standing in front of the newborn nursery window. I walk up to Tina first and hug her.

"Tina, you were amazing back there. You sure you still want to to be an admissions director? 'Cause you were pretty kick-ass. I could always use another set of hands here in the hospital." I say.

Tina smiles and everyone laughs, grateful for the small moment to diffuse the heavy situation.

"And you, my wife. Lisa said that what we did probably saved Baby Girl Berry-Pierce's life. So, I guess we are a pretty dynamic duo, huh, baby?" I open my arms to you as the emotion of the past couple of hours overwhelms me and I start to cry on my wife's shoulder. After a couple of moments, I can feel Sam pat me on the back.

"Hey Santana, I really have to go. I am sorry. I didn't want Quinn and Brittany to be alone. The babies are okay. Everyone has convened at your home and I mean everyone, literally. I don't think you'll have any food left in your fridge." Sam says, to break the somber mood. He continues, "So, Tina and I could go give them an update. Barby made me promise to ask you to call her as soon as possible. She hasn't told Noah anything, other than Rachel had to go to the hospital. She didn't want to scare him and she was waiting for you."

"Of course, of course Sam. Quinn, maybe you go with them and bring Barby and Noah here? I'll find Brittany and hopefully, Rachel will be out of recovery by then." I answer him.

"And guys, don't worry about H squared because we'll take them for the night, okay?" They can have an sleepover with Katy" Tina says warmly.

"Please tell Brittany not to worry about Tristan. Mercedes and I will take him. When you have triplets, what is one more, right?" Sam says jokingly.

He really is such a great guy. I mean, all of our friends are awesome. I am so grateful for this family- our huge, dysfunctional, chosen family. It is times like these, when things seem at there worst, that the strength and bonds of friendship matter the most. I kiss Quinn and give her one more hug.

"Are you sure, babe?" Quinn whispers in my ear.

"Yeah. I would rather not have Barby and Noah take a cab over here alone. This way, you can come back with them. By then, things will be more clear. I'll find Brittany, don't you worry, okay? Things are as good as it gets for now; there is nothing left to do but wait. I'll see you in about an hour?" I answer her.

Tina rifles thru her bag and hands me a juice box, a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, and a Hello Kitty-shaped container full of Goldfish. "I know it's not much, but you haven't eaten since forever. I always carry extra, just in case Katy gets hungry. Girl Scout motto, you remember Santana? Always be prepared!" Tina exclaims.

I again marvel at how wonderful our friends truly are.

"Damn, Cohen-Chang. Leave it to you to bring up our days back as Girl Scouts." I reply as I take the food. "Thanks Tina, thanks Sam, for everything. Now, go and take my wife with you."

I watch them walk out then I head to my office. I need to clean myself up and change my clothes. I don't want Brittany to see me like this. After I quickly eat, brush my teeth, wash my face, and put on a fresh, clean set of scrubs, I saunter out of my office and head to where I know I will find her.

I met Brittany, Quinn, and Tina on my first day of school in 3rd grade. I was the new girl and they were all friends. Believe it or not, I was shy and awkward back then. It was because we had to move around so much during my childhood. My mami and papi were doctors in the United States Army. I spent the first nine years of my life all over the world: the Philippines, Spain, and France. They both retired after 20 years of active duty and decided to move to Lima, Ohio.

My mom went to McKinley after my grandfather had retired from the military. Yup, public service was in my blood. Moving to Lima gave my mom the normal life she yearned for, since she was an Army brat for all of her childhood, too. My grandparents were still there. Both my parents wanted that same stability for me. Hence, there was I, standing in front of the classroom of Miss Bliss' 3rd grade class. I hated being the new girl, especially since I was a year older than all these kids. My mom thought the transition would be easier for me if I repeated the 3rd grade. She told me it was for the best, but of course, I had that signature stubborn Lopez attitude, coupled with her fiery Latina blood. Now, I was glad that she did that. Moms are always right. It made the transition easier for me and if I had been in 4th grade, then I never would have become friends with them. The ramifications of that single decision my mother made changed my life forever.

I knew she could be in one of two places. Granted, this was not Lima General Hospital, where Brittany and I started our friendship. She was the first one to befriend me and thru her, I became friends with Quinn and Tina. Really, Brittany was friends with everyone in our class. She always had a magnetic personality, even back then. I was guarded those first weeks of school, trying to settle into my new life. I was happy to know that I would never have to be the new girl ever again. The transition was much harder than I anticipated. I was the only military brat. I had lived in different countries; I doubted if any of my classmates had even been on an airplane. I spoke so many languages: English, Spanish, French, Tagalog by virtue of growing up in each of those countries. It was very overwhelming for me. I was happy when the weekend rolled around. I would go to Lima General and play with the kids on the Pediatric Ward, while my parents worked.

I went up to the roof of the hospital and sure enough, Britts was there. She learned how to get up here after H squared were born. I have a horrible vice of smoking whenever I am stressed. I would come up here to decompress and relax. Q and I would take turns, resting and eating. Inevitably, Rachel would stay with her, while Brittany would come with me. I showed her how to jimmy the lock.

She is sitting on one of the chaise loungers I had set up there. The doctors had made a small patio off to the side. It is really nice and gives one amazing NYC views. On a clear day, you can see clear across the Hudson to Jersey.

I linger for a moment as a memory of Britts and I washes over me...

I remember that day so clearly. The day I said good-bye to us.

I blame myself for the way it ended. I wish I could have that conversation back. Sometimes, I want to say or do something- anything to change the course of events. But I can't. If I never said good-bye to you, I would not be put upon the path towards my Quinnie. I cannot keep dwelling in a past that is not present, nor my future. Sometimes, I still dream about us. I dream about how things could have been. If I am alone in bed, while Quinn is in the nursery, my mind drifts to a future I had envisioned, instead of the reality I have.

Right after we broke up, I knew I made a mistake. I wished for so many things. I wished to hold you in my arms, to spoon you, feel you beside to me. I wished to be waking up next you, to see you shake the sleep out of your brilliant blue eyes and run your fingers through your dazzling blonde hair. I wished that we could spend just one more day together, as couple, doing couplely things, like laundry, shop for groceries, or cook dinner together. I longed to see your toothbrush next to mine; see your brand of shampoo in the shower; see your pajamas on the hook next to mine; see your perfume bottle next to mine. I mourn the domesticity of a life I was never granted; the mundane tasks and the day-to-day responsibilities that we will never share.

Whenever I went to a wedding, I imagined us proudly professing our love and fidelity to one another, in front of all our family and friends. When the happy couple makes their way to the dance floor, I imagined what song we would have chosen for our first dance as wife and wife. Maybe it would be "Songbird," to remind us of that day in the choir room, when I was trying to cheer you up. It could be "Cherish/Cherish," like when The God Squad serenaded us at the Sugar Shack. Maybe even "I Wanna Dance With Somebody (Who Loves Me)," to make us remember wearing twinsies outfits, with 80's make-up and hair, dancing in the auditorium, with glitter in the air. I think "Mine" would be the most appropriate. I know, it's the song I sang when I broke-up with you. You always knew that I could always best express myself in song. I picked it because I wanted you to know that, at that point in my life, you really were the best thing that had ever been mine. My favorite line in the song is, "And every time I look at you, it's like the first time," because that is the way you used to look at me. It is the way you now look at Rachel; it is the way I look at Quinn.

None of these dreams and wishes will ever happen because I did this to us. I know now that it was the best decision I ever made. Sure, it hurt like hell; I know that I held unto you for so much longer after that day. I didn't lie when I told you, "I will always love you the most." How can it be a lie, when it is still true, even after all this time. It is just not the same kind of love anymore, Brittany. The the love I have for you is like a perfect, smooth skipping stone. The edges of pain and sadness were washed away by Quinn's love. It the love shared among "kindred spirits" as Anne Shirley would say to her Dianna. It is a love of enduring and everlasting friendship. You are my best friend, Brittany Susan Pierce and I am as certain of this as the air the I breathe. Quinn is the one who finally let me release the angst and resentment I still carried around over you, over us.

I think about where you are now, without me, but with Rachel. I hope that you are as happy as and Quinn and I are. I don't doubt it- actually, I know that you are. I see it in the way you look at her because it is the same way I look at Quinn, like she is the sun and I am the moon. I just wanted you to find love again, after I broke your heart. When I sang "Landslide," my favorite part was the chorus:

Well, I've been afraid of changing

Cause I've built my life around you

But time makes you bolder

Children get older

and I'm getting older too

I didn't know that it was a break-up song until much later. Stevie Nicks wrote it in response to her break-up with Lindsey Buckingham. To me, it was acknowledging my love for you and how I needed to change my ways to prove that love to you. Now, I get it. I really had built my life around you, Brittany. When you were no longer there to hold me up, I let myself slide all the way down. Thing is, I had Quinn to pull me back up unto solid ground.

Rachel is special and wonderful. I couldn't have hoped for a better wife of life for you. Of course, in the beginning, I was caught of guard when you told me. By that time, I had already been with Quinn for awhile. I was glad you found someone else to give your heart to because loving was never a problem for you; that was my problem. It took me so long to realize that I loved you and it was only compounded by my internalized homophobia. You were there to support me, every single step of the way to acceptance of myself and the love we shared.

These are the feelings that are never far from the surface whenever I hear those songs. Our songs. They are the only things I have left of us that will never fade away. With a melody, I am swept back into a past where you & I are together. With a chorus, I recall the sweet lady kisses and the linked pinkies. With a lyric, I can close my eyes and remember it all. I can see it now.

Brittany, you and I have so much history together. You were my first love. You were the one who opened my eyes and made me see who I really am. I am forever indebted to you for giving me your love and support at a time when I needed it the most. Now, I get why you broke up with me, choosing Arty at Hurt Locker. You always were a unicorn with special powers. Britts, you knew that I needed time apart from you to figure myself out. I needed space to get my shit together and to fully embrace all the awesomeness that I am. You were still my best friend; you always will be. I think that was what has helped me thru: losing you then and losing you when I broke up with you. The knowledge that, no matter what, you would still be there for me as a friend, carried me thru the times in my life when I felt the most depressed and alone. Knowing you would always be at my side, no matter the circumstances, made me feel safe. Now, in your moment of need, I have to be that friend to you. I can hear you sobbing. I take 3 deep breaths in and out to shake off the past and re-enter an uncertain future, sauntering towards my best friend.