Chapter 2- Lady in Red

Suggested listening: One-hit wonder, "Lady in Red" by Chris DeBurgh

I am huffing and puffing by the time I reach the rooftop of Columbia-Presbyterian Medical Center. What is wrong with me? Thinking of Santana, my Santana when I had no right to say that she was mine. She isn't mine, not anymore- not for a lifetime ago, when we teenagers in love. Not when my whole world was built around her. I physically fall back unto the patio chaise as I recall her and Miss Holliday singing "Landslide" to me, yet again. Now, I finally grasp the gravity of that song and how Santana truly felt about me, as she sang her soul out. In that briefest of moments, I could see her hard shell crack: the Santana I knew was scratching out of the womb of insults and resentment. She could no longer keep it inside and she expressed it in song.

There is a radio in the corner of the make-shift patio. I recognized the tune immediately. It was Taylor Swift's Mine, but all I hear is your cover. I think the universe is trying to kill me.

All it takes is the opening chords of this song to take me back to that faithful day in the choir room. The day my life changed forever.

Lord Tubbington was more loving and caring towards me, which always put me on high alert. He only acted that way when something bad was about to happen. He had a psychic British third eye and his premonitions were always spot on. I tried to soothe my worries because you were home. Oh, how I missed you so! And everything between us felt right again. Well, they almost did. You brought back all your laundry, saying some silly excuse. We both knew it was fib; it was because of us. The long-distance was straining our relationship.

It wasn't that just that I was missing my girlfriend. I was also missing my best friend. I no longer had you by my side, to help me navigate the halls of McKinley. I didn't have your hand to hold or pinky to link with mine. Every time you would reach for my hand, it would thrill me. You were marking your territory and that simple gesture was a sign. It meant that we were "us" and you were so proud to show the world. After everything you had been through to get to this point, I never took it for granted. But now, as both my hands sat idly by as I walk through these halls without you, maybe I did take it for granted. I didn't really get that it would be these little things that I would miss the most. I kept telling myself that you were always just a text away, but you wouldn't respond lighting quick like you used to. I knew it was because you were in Louisville, adjusting to me no longer at your side and to your new life, but you seemed to be doing just fine without me. You would be too busy with cheerleading practice or your English 101 class. I understood that but it didn't sting any less. I thought you were thriving there without me, while I was left behind, not only by having to repeat my Senior year, but by you. How could you know I was feeling this way? I was missing you so much, not even Lord Tubbington could cheer me up. When you started to miss our Friday night Skype dates, I could feel you slipping further and further away from me.

I felt it in the air the instant I walked into the choir room. This room held so much of us: Landslide, Songbird, I Wanna Dance with Somebody. It wasn't the usual magic or electricity that is between us. I could see it in your face, your steeled expression. I knew that there was a reason you wanted to meet me here, but it couldn't be for what I feared the most. You wouldn't do that to me, to us.

Now, I get why you did it. You knew that you couldn't be in two places at the same time, with one foot in Louisville and one foot in Lima. Sometimes your brain can get the message but the heart is slow to the uptake. How was I supposed to feel? Losing you has been one of the most difficult things I have had to go thru, until right now.

Right now, I don't even know if my wife is alive. And I am thinking of you, Santana.

The years have faded the memories of our time together. I know that losing you made me who I am and it led me to my Rachel. I was finally able to forgive you: to let go of the anger and resentment I didn't know I still harbored, even after so much time had past. I set my soul free and, in doing so, it led me to the love of my life.

I glance down and see a bouquet of daises in the vase. Maybe this is the universe telling me something good.

Daises have always been my favorite flower. It is because when we were Girl Scouts, (you, me, Tina, and Quinn), they were the flower seeds I picked to grow. They were pretty and dainty, pure and innocent. My dad was so proud of me, tending to them everyday, watching in amazement that from a seed, such a beautiful thing could happen. When he was sick, I would bring him daises for his hospital room. Even if he was in isolation, I would draw daises and put them up so he could see them. So, it was kind of our thing, until it became mine and Rachel's thing.

I can clearly remember that Autumn day; the day I told Rachel that I loved her. I missed her so much during the tour and I knew why. My heart knew that I loved Rachel before my brain did, this time. It would swell whenever we Skyped. I loved listening to her podcasts of singing showtunes; singing anything, really. I knew that she was ready to move on from Quinn. Could I be the one that Rachel would want? Could she even feel that way about me?

I wasn't too sure. I knew how I felt the day you left; the day your were gone. It took me years to fully recover from losing you, Santana. It was about a year for you, Rachel. I knew that you were strong. I saw you through those lonely nights, when all you longed for was Quinn's embrace instead of mine. I gave you my outstretched hand to hold, when all you wanted was Quinn's hand to hold. Could that turn into me? Maybe someday you would want my hugs and my hand to hold. I knew I was getting ahead of myself. But that is how I love. I love completely and wholly. I am always all in when it comes to love. I was all in with you, Santana. I am all in now and forever with you, Rachel. I didn't even think that you could feel the same way about me. I knew that I was in love with you, Rach, and each passing day meant I was one day closer to you. I was scared at the possibility that you wouldn't reciprocate how I felt. Like I said, I love with my whole heart. I had only done that once before and I wasn't wrong with you, Santana. I knew that we both on the same page. I think that is why I was so shocked about out break-up.

All these questions were answered when I opened the door to our loft apartment. Small tea lights illuminated the room and your beautiful face. You had daises everywhere. You told me about the symbolism of daisies and how that they were the perfect flower to describe me. My heart was soaring. Then, you picked a single daisy out of the bunch and we played the game: She-loves-me; She-loves-me-not. We alternated, getting closer and closer, until we reached the last petal. I plucked it off and said: "I love you, Rachel." You enveloped me in your arms and told me the most beautiful thing my ears would ever hear: "I love you too, Brittany." It was in that instant that I got it. Rachel, you loved me too, and that was all I would ever need. When you strip away the all the trappings of our lives, that is at the crux: our love. God, do I love you Rachel, my wife, my best friend, my lover, my partner, mother of my children. I am trying to remember when was the last time I told you that. I can't remember...

Santana, you might have decimated me, but you also led me to the love of my life. In a way, loving you led me to loving Rachel. We did have an epic romance, but what I have with my wife is a thousand splendid suns and a million stars in the sky. Rachel Barbra Berry is my whole life. And I need her so much. I love her so much. I need to be with her now.

I turn around, heading towards the exit when I feel arms wrap me. These arms that feel so comfortable and warm; these arms that I know so well. The arms that I used to know like my favorite blanket to snuggle in. The arms of my first love, Santana. Just the mere action of being held by you elicits more memories of our time together.

I close my eyes and feel us swaying at the Sugar Shack. It was the first Valentine's Day that I had an official Valentine: I had you. Never in my wildest dreams did I think this would happen. We weren't that far removed from your forced outing by that douchebag, Finn Hudson. But, as always, Santana, you continued to surprise and amaze me. Being shoved out of the closet, albeit as difficult and painful as it was, allowed you to be free. Free Santana was the person I knew you could be, as you embraced all the awesomeness you are.

You did things to prove to me how much you loved me. It was almost like you were trying to make up for all the times you denied me and our love. The biggest and best thing you did was to request The God Squad to serenade me; to serenade us. You did this, to show me how much you loved me, in public. Cherished is exactly how you made me feel that night. I felt cherished all over: in my mind, my heart, and my body. Then, you asked me to be your date to Senior Prom. I couldn't believe it. I was over the moon and started to kiss you over and over again, as if my "Yes!" was insufficient.

There you were, singing on stage at our Senior Prom. You were wearing yet another red dress, just like you did at Junior prom. I remember when Kurt, Tina, and I were sitting in the home economics room as Lauren and you tried on several dresses. Lauren did look delicious, like a cream puff. But, you were delicious for all different sorts of reasons. When you came out from behind the screen, you took my breath away. The red dress hugged your curves, accentuated your bosom, and looked exquisite against your carmel skin. As I blatantly checked you out, I could feel a matching redness flush my alabaster cheeks. I could tell that you saw my reaction, which resulted in a million mega watt smile. I heard Kurt say, " Go with God, Satan...err Santana." Yup, she was a devil in a red dress, alright. But you were going to our Junior Prom with your supposed "soulmate", Dave Karofsky. Santana, you were just so scared but you were the bravest person I knew. I could not understand why you cared so much about what other people thought. They didn't matter; the only thing that mattered was that you be true to yourself and love yourself. I wanted you to embrace all the awesomeness that you are; I saw it every, single day. The trouble was trying to get you to see it in herself; to recognize the beauty that lay behind your hard exterior.

I never understood why I was the privileged one, allowed to see that side of you, Santana. I did not know why you felt the need to be so mean and hard and tough all of the time. Sometimes, I wished that you would show the side that I got to see: the kind, open-hearted, joyful, silly Santana. But then, it wouldn't be so special, I guess, because that was the Santana reserved for me alone. You do a twirl around and I am gobsmacked, staring, wishing that I was the one taking to the dance.

I kept true to my word. I didn't have a date for the Junior Prom. I didn't need one because I, Brittany Susan Pierce, would be stealing everybody else's dates. I was a ninja, seemingly dancing alone when I would move my hips and sashay around until "Bam!" I was dancing with Mike, then Sam and Mercedes. I didn't need a date nor did I want one. The one I wanted to be my date was Dave Karofsky's date.

I would steal glances over there, to where you and Dave were dancing. You looked even more breathtaking, if that was possible. I couldn't help myself until I gazed a little bit too long and I knew that I was caught. I felt a blush creep upon the apples of my cheeks as I slowly raised my blues to meet your browns. We could always talk to each without using words. At that exact moment, though, I couldn't quite get what you was telling me. You looked at me with sad, regretful eyes until they changed to eyes of love. Santana, I knew that you loved me- that you were in love with me. I don't think she knew it; that I felt the exact same way about her. Santana, you kept doubting my love for you. I looked at you, trying my best to convey, from across the crowded gymnasium, that I was in love with you too.

You must have felt it cause I could see you stop dancing with Dave and make a beeline towards me. You pulled us out of the gym and tugged me into the empty choir room, closing the door behind us.

"S... what are you doing?"

"God, B. How can you do that? Just, I can't even...Britt, I am so confused."

"I love you Santana. I love you Santana Maribel Lopez and I am in love with you too."

You just looked up at me with tear-rimmed eyes as I gathered you in my lithe, strong arms, to show you through my actions, since you did not believe my words. I held you tight as I felt tears roll down my cheeks. Why was it so incredulous that I could be in love with you? I felt like everything that we had been through had led us to this moment; that it was just simply meant to be. I did the only thing could think of doing, to prove to you that I meant it, wholeheartedly, and proudly so.

I broke away and directed you to sit on the chair that was sat in the middle of the room. It was Santana's turn to feel confused, as tears continued to roll down her cheeks. I knew what I needed to do, as I went up to the iPod docked into the small sound system in the choir room. You had explained to me how to use the Mr. Schue's iPod docking station one day after Cheerios practice, because I felt like dancing. I always felt like dancing and that was what I was going to do. If you could sing your feelings to me when talking seemed too big and scary, then I was going to do what I do best. I was going to dance to show you, through my movements, just how much I loved you.

I scrolled thru the songs till I found that the one I wanted. Mr. Schue had such an odd mixture of songs on here but I remembered one song in particular that felt appropriate. I pressed play and waited for the opening bars of the song to start:

i've never seen you

looking so lovely

as you did tonight

i've never seen you

shine so bright

i've never seenso many men ask you

if you wanted to dance

looking for a little romance

given half the chance

I moved my body toward you, hoping that you could get what I trying to say. I hoped that you were listening to the lyrics, as I just let my heart take over my body. I never felt more at ease as when I was dancing. I spun around to face you, to sing along to the next verse:

i have never seen that dress

you're wearing

or the highlights in your hair

that catch your eyes

i have been blind

lady in red

is dancing with me

cheek to cheek

there's nobody here

it's just you and me

it's where i wanna be

and i hardly know

this beauty by my side

i'll never forget

the way you look tonight

I looked straight into your dark chocolate eyes as I sang, pulling you up from the chair to dance. I pulled you in so close, wrapping my arms behind the nape of your neck, as I felt you wrap your caramel arms around my waist, resting your head upon my shoulder. The next verse began:

i've never seen you looking so gorgeous

as you did tonight

i've never seen you shine so bright

you were amazing

i've never seen so many people

want to be there, by your side,

and when you turned to me and smile

you took my breath away

i have never had such a feeling

such a feeling of complete and utter love

as i do tonight

lady in red

is dancing with me

cheek to cheek

there's nobody here

it's just you and me

it's where i wanna be

well i hardly know

this beauty by my side

i'll never forget

the way you look tonight

i'll never will forget

the way you look

tonight

lady in red

lady in red

lady in red

lady in red

i love you

"Really, Brittany?," you asked, incredulously.

"Why is that so hard for you to believe, San? Because for me, I have always known that you loved me. Why can't you believe me, in us, in this?"

You just closed your eyes, trying to imprint this memory in your mind. It was an important moment: the one when we declared our love for each other. We had never ever said that we loved just each other. It was just there as an undercurrent that never needed to be spoken. But this, saying that we were "in love," this was something that needed to be said.

"Brittany Susan Pierce, I love you so much that I feel like my heart is not big enough to hold all the love I have for you."

And, just like that, it was out there in the universe: Santana loves Brittany and Brittany loves Santana. This love was beyond a love shared between two best friends, but we both knew that already. You were in love with me and I was in love with you.

Flash forward to the middle of our Senior prom. And there you were, Santana, singing up on stage again, wearing yet another red dress. This difference was that this time, as you sang "Take My Breath Away" with Quinn, you were looking at me the whole time, singing it to me. I was your date, I was your girlfriend, and we were here together, in front of the whole Senior class, out and proud.

Santana, it was hard, difficult, and painful; this journey of self-acceptance. The reward at the end made it all worth it: I was here, ready and waiting for you, full of love and so proud that you made it through. All along, I had this faith in you. I believed in you, when you couldn't. I was your strength, when you were so weak. You don't care about the looks and the stares anymore. All you care about is the woman you are holding in your arms, looking up into my ocean blue eyes, and knowing that we were worth it. All of it was worth it, San.

I feel it right now, in this moment, where the past keeps interrupting my present.

I don't mean to. I can't. I shouldn't, but I want to so much.

I look at you, straight into those dark chocolate eyes, trying to read what you are feeling, Santana. Holding me like this, what you are thinking of? Are you remembering us? Are you really here just to comfort me? What does this simple action mean?

I just react.

I kiss you.

The instant it happens

I know that it wrong.

So very wrong.

In a nanosecond

I am about to

push you away...

But

you don't

push away either

You hold me tighter...

and you

you kiss me back

Then we push away

a full arms length away

I am speechless

you look dumbstruck

I cry in earnest

for the umpteenth time

in several hours

I sprint

to the exit of the roof

I run away from you

and run toward my wife

hoping

praying

pleading

to

the

heavens

above

that

she

isn't

gone