Chapter 4: By Your Side
Suggested listening: Sade, "By Your Side"
I can feel someone holding my left hand. I can tell that I am wearing a ring on my left ring finger. I can hear that person crying uncontrollably. I can hear the breaths in between the sobs. There is a knock on the door. It is a doctor, wait it is two doctors. They are introducing themselves to the person holding my hand. Lisa is there, to talk about the baby. Dr. Brooke Novick was the other ob-gyn who helped Santana in the OR. I don't really understand what they are saying. I can feel this person squeezing my hand tightly as they speak. Then, I hear her speak: "Can I talk to her?" They tell her that yes, it has been shown that people can hear, even in an unconscious state. They tell her that they will come back to check on me in a little bit. One of the doctors asks for Santana and you tell her that she is up on the roof. Soon, I hear the click of heels, the opening of the door, and it shutting behind them.
I can hear the voice speaking, softly at first:
"Oh, baby. I need you to wake up, okay? You need to meet our little girl, Charlotte. I haven't seen her yet. Santana said she is small but a fighter. So, you need to fight your way back- back to me, Barby, Noah, Tristan, and our baby girl. Please, Rachel. I love you so much. You cannot leave me. Please..."
I want to reach out to her, to soothe and comfort her. I want to tell her I can hear her, that I am desperately fighting, but I cannot wake myself up. I can hear her crying again. I will my fingertips to move- to show her that I heard her words. I can feel her hand in mine and wiggle my fingers ever so slightly once, then twice. She kisses my hand and I can feel her release my hand, saying, "I'll be right back, my love." I can hear footstep run to the door.
A moment later, I can hear Brittany with Santana and Quinn. I can hear her relay what just happened to them. I can hear more crying and feel more hand holding. Santana speaks: "Well, that is a good sign, Britts. That means that she heard what you said and she is still here. Hopefully, she will wake up soon."
I can feel a weird tension in the air. I am confused. Why is Brittany the one by my side? How come it is not Quinn? Who are all those names she said? Why was she telling me she loved me? I love Quinn. Brittany is with Santana. I have such a headache.
Quinn speaks: "Britt, Barby and Noah are in the waiting room. I can wait here with Rachel and you can talk to them before you come in."
"That sounds like a good plan, Quinn. I am going to go to the NICU to check on the baby. Do you have a name for her yet, Brittany?" Santana asks.
"We just decided on a name last week. Her name is Charlotte," Brittany answers.
Santana responds: "Hmm, Charlie, huh? It is adorable, Britts. Do you want to come with me to the NICU to meet her?"
"I need to see Barby and Noah first. Just wait in the NICU for me?" she says.
"I'll be here with her, Britt." Quinn says, as I feel her take my hand in her hand, giving a light squeeze. I move my fingers for her and they all see it. I can tell by their reactions.
"I am going to talk to Dr. Novick and update her on Rachel's progress. See you in the NICU, B." Santana says as she leaves the room.
Now, I was alone with Quinn and she is crying. First, Brittany was crying uncontrollably and now Quinn is.
I have so questions. Why am I not with Quinn? Why am I with Brittany? Then, Quinn speaks:
"Rachel Barbra Berry, you listen to me. You have to wake up. Brittany and the kids need you. All of us need you...I need you. C'mon, sweetie. You have so many people here that love you. You need to meet your baby girl. I called your Dads and Shelby. They should all be here soon."
With that, Shelby entered the room. In a flurry, I can feel her rush to my other side and embrace me.
"Ohhh, Rachel! Quinn, what's going on? How is the baby?" Shelby asks.
"Well, Rachel was just transferred from the recovery room. According to Santana, she should be coming out of the anesthesia soon. The baby, Charlotte is in the NICU. Santana is over there now, checking on her. Brittany is in the waiting room, talking to Barby and Noah, before going to the NICU to see the baby. Is Beth with you?"
"Nope, she got a last minute audition. She will head over here as soon as she is done. God, Quinn, she looks so pale," Shelby says with concern.
Quinn answers, "Well, she did lose a lot of blood. Rach had a placental abruption, which caused her to delivery early. I am sure she got blood transfusions in the OR."
"Well, as soon as I get an update from Santana, I am going to the blood donation center. She might need more blood,"Shelby says before re-directing her attention to me.
I can feel Shelby squeeze my right hand and Quinn squeeze my left hand. I can hear them praying over my body. I join in the prayer before the medication overpowers me and I fall back into a deep slumber.
I don't know how long I have been out. I can someone call my name. It is Santana talking to me.
"Rachel. Rachel, sweetie. If you can hear me, can you squeeze my hand?" I hear Santana ask me.
I squeeze her hand as hard as I can. It must have been hard because I can hear her laughing at me.
"Whoa, Berry. Super human strength. Okay. Can you open your eyes for me? Just try, Rach." Santana asks.
I can hear Brittany plead, "Please, baby, please open your eyes for me."
I need to wake up. I need to figure out what is going on. I tell myself, "Wake up, Rachel!"
But nothing is happening. I open my eyes and all I see is blackness. I keep trying and all I can hear is Brittany crying.
Then I hear another person speak, "It's okay mom, mama will wake up soon." And another voice, "Yeah, mom. Everything will be okay, right? It will be, right, Auntie Tana"
Santana answers the young boy, "Yeah, Noah, your mama is doing just fine. Sometimes, it takes some people longer to wake up. But everything else is normal and she is even moving her fingers and toes. These are all good signs. Now, we just have to wait."
"Mom, can we go and meet the baby? Barby and I really want to meet her," the young boy asks Brittany.
"Well, I don't know what the visiting policy is. Why don't you go with your Grandpas and get some ice cream in the cafeteria. Maybe when you get back, we can go over to the NICU."
I can feel him kiss the side of my cheek, someone squeezing my right hand and another kiss on the top of my head.
"We'll be right back, sweetie. Hang in there, okay, " I hear one of my dads say.
I hear several footsteps and the door open and close behind them.
"Be straight with me, Santana. Why isn't she awake yet? It's been hours. Something's wrong that you aren't telling me. Please, San, just tell me...whatever it is." Brittany says.
"I am being honest, Brittany, I promise. Every person reacts to the anesthesia differently. It just seems to be taking longer to wear off for Rachel. There is no need to worry, just yet, okay? I am going to ask Lisa if the kids can at least see their sister. You stay here with Quinn. Shelby, you wanted to see your granddaughter, right?" Santana says.
I hear the door open and close again. It is silent. No more crying. All I hear is the monitor beeping before I succumb again to sleep.
"It has been 24 hours, San. Something is wrong," I hear Brittany say to Santana.
I hear Santana sigh before responding, "Britts, I know you don't want to hear this, but there is nothing wrong. Her vital signs are all stable. We just need to be patient and wait for Rachel to come back to us. And she will. She has to much to come back to."
I can tell that Santana is trying to put a positive spin on this situation, but even I can tell that she is frustrated. I know that she over by Brittany's side, comforting her. I wiggle my fingers to let them know that I heard what Santana just said.
"See, Britt, Berry heard me. She agrees with me. She will come back to you, soon."
I can hear Brittany crying for the umpteenth time. I can tell that Santana leaves my bedside to console her.
"I can't lose her. I just can't," she chokes out through sobs.
"Hey, now. C'mon B. Rach isn't going anywhere. All her numbers look good. The neurologist checked her over and said that everything is normal. I know that you keep hearing that, but, right now, everything is normal. She will wake up soon, Britts. She has to. She will for you, Barby, Noah, Tristan and Charlotte. Trust me, okay. If I know Rachel like I do, I bet she is clawing and fighting her way back to us. We just have to be patient."
I am, Santana. I keep trying and nothing happens. I try again as they continue to talk over me.
"Okay, San. I just don't think I can handle much more. The baby is doing better, but Lisa says she is still critical. I think I need to see Tristan. He is outside with Quinn."
Santana answers, "No worries, Britts. I will stay here with Rachel. You go and take a break, okay?"
Brittany turns on her heels and walks out the door. The next thing I feel is Santana, performing another exam on me.
"You hear me, Berry? Don't make a liar out of me. I just promised your wife that you would be coming back to her and your kids. You need to quit this nonsense right now and wake up!"
Wife? Brittany is my wife!
"Santana? What are you doing?" I hear Quinn ask her.
"What? Just doing what I do best; trying to get a rise out of her. To make her pissed off enough to prove me right."
"Well, I guess that is one approach. And you are right, it was effective all through high school. At this point, let's try everything, right?" Quinn says.
"Will you stay here with her? I am going to the NICU to check-in with Lisa. Brittany is with Tristan, right?"
"Yeah, she is in the waiting room. Go on, I want to talk to Rachel."
I can hear Santana kiss Quinn. "I am so scared, babe. What if she doesn't wake up?" Quinn asks.
"She will, baby. She has to. She will, soon. Who has Holden and Harper?"
"They are still with Tina and Mike. She said they did well overnight. I told her that we would swing by and pick them up this afternoon," Quinn answers Santana.
"I guess our babies had their first sleepover, huh?" she says jokingly. "Well, I am going to go talk to Lise. Hopefully, the baby is doing okay."
Santana kisses Quinn one more time, then she leaves the room.
So, Quinn and Santana are together? They have babies together!? Well, that must mean they are married. I am married to Brittany. We have 4 children together. What the fuck is going on? How come I cannot remember anything? The last thing I remember, I am still Quinn's girlfriend.
I can hear a chair being pulled closer and know that Quinn is sitting next to me. It is still and quiet in my room. I feel Quinn pick up my hand and place it against her cheek.
She says, through fresh tears,"Rachel, honey, you need to wake up, okay? I am not leaving your side until you do. I promise you. You never left my side after my suicide attempt and I will never leave you. I stayed here and you need to stay too. I will not let go of your hand. I am right here, waiting for you. So, please, Rach, just wake up."
That is all the motivation I need. I try one more time to open my eyes. This time it works. I slowly open my eyes and adjust to the overhead lights. I brush my fingers across Quinn's cheek to make her look at me.
"RACHEL! Sweetie! Oh, thank God!" Quinn exclaims before she rushes to me and starts hugging me, kissing my cheek tenderly. "You are awake! Finally! You had us all scared, Rach. Don't you ever do that again, you hear me? I need to go get Santana."
Quinn reaches over me to grab the call light. Within seconds, a nurse enters the room. I can see her smile in relief. "I'll page Dr. Lopez and Dr. Novick, okay?" She says before stepping out. In no time, Santana arrives, looking like she sprinted all the way back here, with (I am assuming) Dr. Novick in tow. They come to my bedside.
Santana says, "Welcome back, Rachel."
Chapter 5- If Your Gone
Suggested listening: From my favorite Matchbox 20 album, Mad Season, "If Your Gone"
"Shhhh, Tristan. It's okay, baby boy." I whisper to my son. He is a sensitive boy. He can tell that I am on edge. I can tell that he is missing his mother. He buries his head in my blonde hair and I continue to rock him. These past 24 hours have been insane. I take a deep breath and do a mental inventory:
Tristan: on my hip
Barby & Noah: with their granddads
Charlotte: stable condition in the NICU
Rachel: still unconscious, but moving fingers and toes
Santana: being superdoctor; hasn't brought up the kiss, yet
Me: a fucking mess
Yup, that sounds about right.
I glance down at Tristan and see that he is sound asleep. I am exhausted, wishing that I could sleep as soundly. I have been awake for over 24 hours, keeping a vigil at Rach's bedside. I took Tristan with me into the Chapel. I went to church every Sunday growing up. Rachel and I raised our kids with both Jewish and Catholic traditions. I found solace in this solemn place. I take a seat and surround myself in the silence.
I cannot believe that I kissed Santana. Like, I actually, on the lips, for real, kissed her. What was I thinking? Well, I guess that I wasn't thinking at all and that is the point. If I am being honest, I was thinking of San, reliving twenty-year old high school memories. Arrrugh! So stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid, Brittany. Now, Santana would hate me to ever say the word stupid and my name in the same breath, but I think it is highly appropriate in this situation. I did a very stupid thing, kissing her, when my wife is lying in a hospital bed and our daughter in lying in an incubator.
I can feel Tris move in my arms. I look down at him and remember what joy he has brought into our lives. Barby and Noah had been asking for a baby brother or sister for so long and we finally had the perfect time. Your whole pregnancy had been a breeze, just like mine were. When our son was born, it was another physical reminder of our love. We were all over-the-moon and in love with our little guy, who had a set of lungs on him that left no doubt who his mother was. Rachel and I were here 18 months ago, welcoming our son into the world. Now, I was the one welcoming our precious little daughter, who still had no name. I smile, as I remember that conversation, during pillow talk last week.
"So, babe, do you have any names in mind for the baby?" I asked my wife.
"Well, I was thinking of Charlotte Tina, since Tina is going to be her godmother."
"Charlotte Tina Pierceberry. I think I like the sound of that. Tina is going to be thrilled!"
I put my hand over your swelling stomach and say, "So, what do think, baby girl? How do you like that name? Charlotte Tina?" Rachel puts her hand over mine and we both feel the baby kick. We both laugh and I lean in to kiss her.
"Thanks, baby girl for the input. It has been noted, Charlie."
Rachel smiles, saying, "I love that. We can call her Charlie. I love boys' names for girls."
"Me too, Rach, me too. Let's get my girls in bed," I tell her, as she moves into smaller spoon position. I spoon my wife, wrapping my arms around her and her belly, dreamily wondering how did I get so lucky to have this life.
That was just last week. What a difference from that to right now. God, I miss my wife so much. I hear the door to the chapel open.
"Britt?" Tina asks.
"Hey Tina." I reply as she sits next to me, with Katy on her hip, also sleeping.
"I finally found you in this hospital. Santana told me you would either be here or up on the roof. I thought you might be here, to pray for Rachel and the baby."
"Her name is Charlotte. Charlotte Tina Pierceberry," I tell Tina. She looks at me with bright eyes.
"Really, Britt? You are naming her after me?"
"Well, it is tradition to name our kids after there godparents, so, if you and Mike would do Rachel and I the honour..."
"Yes! Of course, Britt. It would be my honour. Thank you so much."
She gives me a peck on the cheek and we just sit in silence for a moment.
"Do you remember that Sunday, when we fell asleep at Church..." Tina started.
"And the nuns made us kneel and say the whole Rosary every day after school for a whole week?" I answer her with a laugh. I love how I can always rely on Tina for a moment of escape.
"Remember how we would take turns napping so that we could keep each other upright?"
"Yeah, and pious Quinn was the one leading the Rosary in front of us. She never knew that we all kept falling asleep behind her."
We both had a good chuckle remembering our early years. We were quite a foursome.
"Rach, she is gonna be okay, Britt. She will. Just give her time."
Any ounce of strength I had left was taken away by that simple statement and I crumbled into Tina's side. I didn't know how I could even cry anymore. After being friends for almost 30 years, we instinctively knew what each other needed. Tina knew that I needed silence. She gave me the space and support I needed with an embrace, as she pulled me into her side.
"T, do you remember the day I told you about Rachel and me?"
After a moment, Tina responded: "Yeah, B. I was so shocked. I guess I just always thought that you and Santana would find your way back to each other. But Santana and Quinn had gotten together, which did surprise me. We didn't know about their drunken hook-up during the failed Valentine's Day wedding of Emma and Mr. Schue. Your coupling took me completely by surprise. But after the initial shock wore off and I saw the two of you together, I got it. Just like I got Santana and Quinn. Just like Mike and I, Blaine and Kurt, Arty and Marly, Sam and Mercedes, Jake and Kitty. You two were the ones who were supposed to be together."
I respond to Tina, "You know, I felt the same way. Actually, our whole friendship after McKinley surprised me. I mean, I got to know Rachel more when her and Quinn were together, but we were surface friends. It wasn't until I danced in NYADA's Spring Showcase that we got to know each other. It was Quinn's idea that I audition for the showcase, so that we could get to know each other more. I found that Rachel had changed a lot since high school, in a good way. I mean, we all grew up. And I discovered that I did like Rachel. She was warm and funny. I got to know her outside of the context of being Quinn's girlfriend."
"So, sexy times happened when?" Tina asks with a smirk.
"Ha! Obviously, it was long after her and Quinn broke up. I realized I had feelings for Rachel while I was on tour with Queen Bey. I just missed her so much and I couldn't figure out why I would look forward to our Skype dates. One day, it just dawned on me, that I was in love with her. I was shocked myself. I never thought this would happened. Remember, I moved in with her after their break-up, to help her through it. I didn't think that I would fall in love with her."
"Oh, yeah, that's right, Britt. So, you are saying that it was the proximity?"
"Well, Tina, we did grow closer those 6 months. We helped each other. By helping her process her break-up with Quinn, it forced me to deal with my unresolved feelings surrounding my break-up with Santana."
"Okay. I see what you are saying. It was the 6 months apart that made you realized that you loved Rachel, right?"
"Exactly, Tina. We grew closer in those 6 months of living together, but fell in love the 6 months we were apart. We would set up times to Skype and would text, Instagram and Facebook book each other all the time. I could see that she was doing okay with me gone and she could see that I was having the time of my life. But, despite the adventure, I kept wishing she was with me, touring the whole world. It was because Rachel made everything sparkle. Without knowing it, my world was shrinking and Rachel was filling it up. By the last month, we were both counting down the days till I would be home."
"But, she didn't know how you felt, huh?"
"That's right, Tina. I wanted to tell her in person. I was uncertain of her feelings. I just assumed that it was all me, feeling this way, loving her. I didn't know she felt the exact same way about me. She is such a romantic. Remember how she set up the whole loft with candles and daisies? It was so perfect. Everything about that day was perfect. And now, today? Today is the opposite of that day. I need my wife so much, Tina! You know, I cannot remember the last thing I said to her? I cannot remember the last time I told her that I loved her?"
"Shhhh, Brittany. Rachel knows how much you love her; she does."
Tina hugs me again and again we enjoy the silence of Chapel. I gently lay my son on the bench beside me and I kneel down. Tina does the same thing with Katy and she kneels down beside me. We both close our eyes and pray. Pray those prayers the nuns taught us. Pray those things that are locked deep in our hearts. I feel her reach over and grab my hand and we pray together. I look behind us and see our babies fast asleep.
"I am so lucky to have you in my life, Tina Cohen-Chang. I love you."
"Me too, Britt. I love you too. I am going to go back to the waiting room. I left Mike and Shelby in the waiting room with Holden and Harper. I'll be sure to tell the Barby and Noah you are here."
"Thanks so much, T. See you in a bit."
Tina swoops up her baby girl and leaves me in the sanctuary of silence. I sit back down and stare at our boy. He was so much like you already, Rachel. His babbling was so melodic and he had your dark hair. He had my blue eyes. Apparently, all of our kids had eyes like mine. Well, it was too early to tell with Charlotte. I wonder who she will be like. Barby could dance like me and Noah could sing, like you. Maybe Charlotte will be a triple threat: a singer, dancer, actress. Maybe she will hate performing and love soccer and science. Whatever she will be, I just hope and pray that you will be able to see it.
I remember the night I inseminated you. Since this was our 4th attempt, we had the whole thing down to a science. Barby was having a sleepover with Beth and Noah was staying overnight at Jake and Kitty's home. Tristan was fast asleep in the nursery. I set up a relaxing bath for us. It was one of our favorite things to do together- letting the warm lavender milk bath carry our stress and worries behind. As we sunk into the water, I could feel your body relax into mine. It was rare that we had a night to ourselves. Albeit, we had a purpose with that night, but we enjoyed it being just us. I always loved to wash you: to clean your body and relax your mind; to feel your skin, muscles, and hair beneath my hands. I knew how much you enjoyed it and this night was all about you. We both believed that the environment surrounding us greatly influenced conception. Setting a warm, calm, loving atmosphere would help us make a baby. It worked the previous three times.
After the bath, I wrapped you in a fluffy towel and dried you off. I brushed your long brown hair and massaged you with lavender lotion. I led you to our bedroom and made love to you gently. I remember asking you if you were ready to make a baby and you just kissed me and got in position. As I inseminated you, I wished that there was some way I could physically inseminate you: to make a true genetic combination of the two of us. You saw my disappointment in my eyes and you knew how I felt because that was how you felt when we made Barby and Noah. You just nodded in acknowledgement and squeezed my hand. Afterwards, I just held you and we laughed as we remembered the process of picking our sperm donor, BR613. We had to use a sperm donor since I didn't have any male relatives, so Tristan and this baby would be half-siblings. We wondered how many kids he fathered. He has our two, at least. I smiled as I remembered you giggling in my ear, as we both recalled his profile.
"Tall, blonde hair, blue eyes, Mensa intelligent, rocket scientist, likes Dots and fondue, loves musicals..." you said.
"But the thing that made us pick BR613 was the video of his body dancing while singing JT. Remember how weird it was to see a headless body sing and dance! He was great though."
"Yeah, babe, we wanted to make sure our kids were genetically gifted by him and us to love the arts. And so far, it has worked. I already see it in Tristan," you answered.
"Well, Rach, I hope that this baby will be an astronaut and go to Mars. Or be a chef or an author or a painter. I want this child to be whatever they want to be. Hey, do you feel any different?"
You reached over and kissed me and whispered in my ear, "I think we just made another Pierceberry, babe. " We fell asleep, wrapped up in each other, knowing that our family would soon be complete.
"Mama?" Tristan says with sleep-laced eyes.
"Right here, little man. Good nap?"
He nods and smiles as I hear the door open up behind him. He starts babbling, "Baba. Baba."
I turn around and see my daughter enter the Chapel. She takes Tristan from my arms.
"How's my lil brother? Sleep well?" she says to him brightly.
"Hey mom. You okay?" she asks me, full of concern.
"Yeah, sweetie, as okay as I can be. I am just really worried that something is wrong. That maybe your Ninang isn't telling me the whole truth. She is used to protecting me. It is in her DNA to. But I just can't help to think that she is hiding something..."
"Mom, that's not true. She said that she was being completely honest and she has never ever lied to me. Nor to you, so believe Ninang Tana's word. Well, I have good news to tell you. Maybe it will help distract you from all of this. Auntie Tina told me, unofficially, that I got into Juilliard."
I wrap you in a hug as Tristan get smushed between us.
"You did this, honey, on your own merit. It was not legacy or Tina that got you in, it was all you. Just be proud of this amazing accomplishment. I am so very proud of you." I exclaim as happy tears (for a change) slip out. You hug me back and we take a moment to let the news soak in.
"I thought I would know where I would want to go, but now, I am not too sure, Mom. It is my number one dance choice, but I really want to go and see Stanford. Are we still going to get to go? Even after everything that has happened?" Barby asks me with questions swimming in her eyes.
"Barby, of course we are still going on that California tour. I promised and we made a plan. It is a couple of months from now, so, don't you worry, okay? Stanford would be lucky to have you too."
"Thanks, mom. Your the best, really. Well, you and mama are the best. Auntie Quinn also convinced me to apply at Yale for art history and pre-med too. She said she would waive the application fee and write my recommendation, so I guess that is one more to add, " Barby says with a smile.
I hug her again when I hear the door open one more time. I see Santana and I hold my breath as she says:
"Britt-britt, Rachel is awake."
Chapter 6- Dark Side
Suggested listening: From Kelly Clarkson's album, Stronger, "Dark Side"
"Honey, you must be exhausted. Come on and get in bed. I will put Holden and Harper down, ok?" Quinn says as she leads me to our bed. She draws down the sheets and helps me out of my scrubs. "Here are your favorite pjs, I just watched them, San," she says as she hands me my faded heather grey Yale Medical School t-shirt and her pink boxer shorts with white polka dots. She slaps me playfully on the ass to get me into bed. Quinnie tucks me in, just like she is about to do to our twins. "Now, I am prescribing you to stay in this bed and to sleep a minimum of 8 hours. You are off-service for the next week. No calls. Dr. Q's orders."
I love it when you get that authoritative voice and I smile and purse my lips, waiting for your lips. You happily oblige, kissing me tenderly and then kissing my forehead. "Good night, beautiful," you tell me. I am asleep before you even leave the room.
I open my eyes and know I am in a dream from the past. I am in our apartment at Yale. Thanks to the whole legacy thing with your family, we had a sweet condo that was set aside for the Fabray currently at Yale for graduate school. Yup, that was how much legacy your family had in this school. Crazy to think that you probably only met 3 Fabray cousins in your generation twice and were not close to them. You weren't even close to your own sister, who really was cut from the same exact conservative, Republican cloth as your father. You being with Rachel cut off any chance in reviving that relationship. Truly, all this luxury that was afforded by your last name was the one good thing you got from your father's side of the family.
It was the summer and I had just moved in because I would be beginning medical school that coming fall. You were a wreck. You had broken up with Rachel, attempted suicide, and were about to come home after a month-long stay at Yale's psychiatric and mental health center. Rachel, Tina, and Britt-britt were here to welcome you home. Your mother didn't know how to handle the situation. Your father and sister were no were to be found. It was okay though, because since forever, we were your family. Despite your break-up with Rachel, she was still your best friend. We all knew how much you needed us, even if you were going to refuse our help.
We had your favorite flowers, white calla lilies, in a beautiful vase on your bedside table. Rachel changed the bedsheets to your oldest and most comfortable pinstriped sheets. Tina had cleaned every inch of the house and had a stack of some of the books she knew you would like to read. Britt and I cooked all of your favorites, well, really our favorites, but we did know how to cook your vegan favorites, too. We were all so worried because, since the rape, you had lost so much weight.
"Okay, guys, I am going to go and pick her up. I think it might be best if you all leave before I get back. She will all know that you were here and you can come by for breakfast tomorrow morning. I just don't want to overwhelm her. I can drop you all of at the Doubletree, that way you can check-in. I promise to call when I get her settled in..." I say to the girls when I hear a key turning in the door. It is you. Of course, you were stubborn and didn't want any help. This was why I was trying to get everyone to leave before you got home. Well, obviously, that plan did not work.
At first glance, I could see how tired and empty you looked, despite the make-up on your face and that typical Quinn dress you were wearing. I knew better then to get at you for not waiting for me to pick you up. You walk up to me and handle me all of the discharge paperwork they gave you.
"Hey, Quinn." I say, before giving you a hug. Hugs were becoming a more commonplace occurrence between us, especially in light of the recent events.
"Hey, San. Dr. McLean allowed me to get discharged without you there only because I promised her that you would take me to my morning therapy session tomorrow. She would like to talk to you then, okay?" you say, in a very soft voice.
"Sure, no problem, Q. So, I tried to get these guys to leave before you got here but..." I say, before Tina, Britt, and Rach emerge from the kitchen. I told them all to try be as normal as possible with you, but they hadn't seen you since in over a month. The last time Rachel saw you awake, well your were semi-conscious, was when we took you to the ER. She thought it would be too much for you to see her when you were awake and alert; she would only see you when you were asleep.
One by one, they all came to greet you. Tina, then Britt, who picked you up and twirled you around until you were laughing at her. Once she put you down, she placed you in front of Rachel. I knew that this was going to be the big one, seeing the woman you love so much, the one whose heart you broke because yours was broken far before hers, on an autumn evening by some bigot who roofied your drink. We all took a couple of steps back to give you some privacy. You both just looked at each other. She spoke first:
"Quinn, I..."
You enveloped her in a hug and you burst into tears. We all followed suit. Even though I had seen you since you were in there, because I was you emergency contact and I would be the one who you would be released to, I was too involved to let my emotions get the best of me. I couldn't let my mind go to that headspace where you could have been gone, my best friend. I had to be responsible and take charge of everything that was a shambles. Seeing you and Rachel hugging made all of that emotion bubble up and I realized how close I came to losing you.
Since high school, we had all gotten closer. We would see each other on the weekends, alternating between going to New Haven and you coming down to NYC. There was always something going on, between Yale, Columbia, NYADA, and Juilliard. There was a shift in the dynamics once you and Rachel got together, but it was one we were all so happy for. You and I left all the cattiness of high school back in Lima, and you were just my other best friend.
Having you girls in my life made me feel safe and accepted. Along with my cousins, I felt like I was surrounded by love. Now, I just wanted you to feel that and to know that we were all here rooting for you. I pulled Tina and Britt into the kitchen, so that you two could have some time.
I can feel the bed dip next to me and I can feel you snuggle up to me, tucking a stray hair behind my ear. I can hear you talking to me:
"God, babe. What a crazy couple of days it's been, huh? Do you know how much I love you, Santana? I love you so fucking much. If anything were to happened to you..."
I open my eyes and see tears in my wife's eyes.
"Quinn. Quinnie, look at me. I am right here and I am not going anywhere."
"Yeah, San, I know that, but, we almost lost Rachel. It all happened so fast. One minute we were all laughing, making waffles in the kitchen. The next minute, I was helping you deliver Charlotte in our bathroom!" you exclaim, through the sobs.
I hold you in my arms. We hadn't really seen much of each other in the past two days. I was in the hospital for 48 hours straight, since Rachel was admitted. I finally left out of sheer exhaustion, once I knew that Rachel had finally woken up from the surgery. She seemed okay and that was all I needed to get me home. I let you cry it out as I started to cry myself, to let go of all that emotion and stress. Back in high school, we never would have allowed ourselves to show this kind of "weakness." I think the one time you did, it was when we were in New York City for Nationals. You were exclaiming to Britts and I that everyone has found love except for you. Well, you were in love with Rachel, but she was in love with Finn. You were mourning the loss of our domination as the Unholy Trinity. We cut your hair in response to your crisis. Now, so many years later, we are weeping openly, holding and consoling each other. We fall asleep, wrapped up in each other. It was the best way for me to get recharged. Your arms are my life source.
Harper, my daughter through and through, wakes me up in the middle of the night. You start to stir, but I tell you that I will get her.
I am sitting in the wooden rocking chair that has been in the Lopez family for 2 generations, trying to get Harper back to sleep. She was the one I gave birth to and I could already see my temperament in her. She was wide awake while Holden was asleep. They were always opposites. He was able to self-soothe better than her. But, she wasn't misbehaving, she was wet and hungry. I changed her diaper and than I put her to my breast. I started to sing a lullaby to her, rocking her back and forth. As I look down upon my daughter, I remember the day we first saw her.
"There she is, San. Everything looks great!" Jamie says with a smile.
Quinn is 1 month pregnant and our plan had worked, we were both pregnant at the same time. I can feel tears rolling down my face as I look at the ultrasound screen then look up at you. You are crying too. Then, we hear Harper's heartbeat: fast, steady, and strong.
"So, I will see you in 3 weeks, Santana? Sound good?"
Jamie went to medical school with Lisa and I. We were the Three Muskateers and she lived in the same building as Quinn and I. Jamie also completed her residency with me at the Brigham and she was a partner in our very busy practice.
"Great, James. See you then. Say hi to Jake and Violet for us. We all need to get together soon, alright? We do live in the same building for crissakes!"
"Ha! So true, girl. We need a girls night, especially before you both get too big to move!"
she says as she washes her hands. I am free next Friday night, you should be too, because Nicole and Abigail are on-call that night."
"Okay, it's a date! I will tell Lisa and hopefully she can come to."
"Perfect, Santana. Next Friday, huh? This is going to be epic, I can already tell." Jamie exclaims before typing in some notes on the computer.
I begin to dress and Quinn is sitting quietly on the chair.
"Babe. You okay, Quinnie?" I ask my wife.
"Hmmm? Yeah, just kinda overwhelmed. It is really happening. In nine months, we are going to have 2 babies, hon."
"Well, as close to nine months as possible but yes, that is the hope!" I say, as I get down from the examination table. I pull you up and kiss you on those lips I love so much.
"I know it is a lot. This hasn't hit me yet, but it will soon, I promise.
We walk out of the office, holding hands, ripe with anticipation for our babies.
I look down and Harper is fast asleep. I gently place her back in the crib she shares with Holden. I pat him and he smiles at me. I double check the baby monitor before I leave my babies in slumberland. I head into the kitchen to warm myself some milk, to help me get back to sleep. I smile as I open the fridge, knowing that Kurt and Blaine restocked it.
You know, it was our coffeehouse dates that brought us closer together. We would go there every single day. Sometimes it was for a quick cup to-go; other times it was for a long lunch. It was nice to each other in the middle of day and I always looked forward to it. We knew each other's coffee order. Your favorite drinks were a soy honey vanilla roobios and soy toffee nut cafe au lait. It was those days and interactions that I grew to loving you more than a friend.
You scolded me: "San, we are supposed to ask each other 1 ridiculous question a day. No cop outs. Here is my question: Was I any good in the sack, you know after we got wasted at the non-wedding of the year?"
I gulp as I remember that night...
My heart was beating triple time by the time we were traipsing down the 3rd floor of the surprisingly fancy hotel. In my head somewhere, there was voice telling me slow down, to stop and think about what I was about to do. I was going into a hotel room with you, Lucy Quinn Fabray, not Brittany Susan Pierce. Yes, you had been mercilessly flirty with me all night. Yes, I flirted right back. I had a reputation to uphold and I knew I was the hottest piece of ass in the joint. But there was a huge line between saying things, dancing closely, and having sex. I mean, this is where all of this is leading, right? I was about to hook-up with my other best friend. Shit.
I looked at you, really looked at you. I could see what everyone saw: a fucking, gorgeous woman. I also saw what nobody else did: a vulnerable, scared girl not that different from myself. I could have stopped this, stopped us, before it got more out of hand than it already had. I could grab your hands, as you pulled me into the room. I could stop my lips from crashing into yours with so much want and desire. I could stop my hands from taking off your jacket, dress, bra, thong. I could have stopped all of it. But, I didn't want to. I wanted this. I wanted you at that moment. I needed this for one night. It takes two to tango and you could have stopped me at anytime, too. But I got the feeling that you wanted it as much as I did.
You reciprocated: kiss for kiss, touch for touch. You were a quick study, eager try whatever I was doing. You surprised me with your movements and how turned you made me. I could tell you were close and it thrilled me to know that I made you emit noises of pleasure. I wanted to taste but I was not sure how receptive you would be to that. So, I sheathed your body completely with mine, allowing you to feel my breasts press into yours, kissed you deeply, held your hand with mine. I stopped and looked deep into her eyes. Your eyes were filled with lust and amazement. Quinn, you looked at me with so much need for release as you bucked your hips up into me.
I wanted to show you that I cared and that I did love her, just not in the way you deserved. You did deserve to be shown how wonderful sex can be between two people who care for each other. So, I slowed things down. I didn't want you to think this is just a throwaway, drunken one-night stand. I mean, if I was going to be your only female sexual experience ever, I wanted to blow her mind.
You noticed the shift in my actions, that I was not in the frenetic, break-neck speed with which we started all of this. I was waiting for you to halt our activities and to say that this was all a mistake. But you didn't say any of that. Instead, you pulled my chin up and kissed me ever so gently, as if saying it was okay to keep going. We continued this dance of lips, tongues, and touches until we were both so worked up. I knew you were ready and I knew what to do. I entered you slowly with my lone finger, allowing you to adjust to me. I looked down and your eyes closed in pleasure, her fingernails pressing into my back.
"You okay?" I asked. I didn't want to hurt her or do something she doesn't want.
You opened you hazel eyes and answered breathlessly, "Fuck, Santana, you feel so good." With that, I began to move: my finger, my hand, my whole body. I rocked into you, feeling your body rise up to meet me. Again, I was surprised at your actions, wondering if I really was the first girl you had ever been with. Then, I was reminded of the day in a New York City hotel room, you telling Britts and I that you weren't "not into that." Well, right now, you most certainly were into that, writhing underneath me. You came undone with one more thrust, blooming and unfolding around my fingers like the most lovely yellow rose, with each petal falling down around us. After awhile, I slowly withdrew my hand and I kissed you one more time.
A few moments later, you were propped up on pillows at the head of the bed with the comforter snugly around your beautiful, naked body, taking a swig from a water bottle. I was lying at the foot of the bed, draped in a bed sheet. I was so fucking turned on: by our previous activities, knowing I just made my best friend cum, and because you looked ridiculously hot in the afterglow of sex.
"So, that is why college girls experiment." you said.
"And thank god that they do," I answered back. I could tell you are about to ask about this and if it changes anything. I knew that it doesn't changed anything.
"This is a one-time thing," you stated flatly.
"I am not going to come with a U-Haul, if that is what you are worried about," I said in response, reading your mind.
You sighed in relief, knowing that we were both on the same page.
"So, what do we do now, San?" You assumed that I have experience in this type of activity. Honestly, I had only done wedding reception sex with Brittany, in my Range Rover after the Hudson-Hummel wedding. The surroundings of this hookup were a huge upgrade from the backseat of my car.
"Well, you can go downstairs first... (I decided to press my luck) or we can make this a two-time thing?"
You throw a mischievous look my way, before you lunged toward my body, taking the sheet down. Quinnie, you made me come too, with remarkable ease. Maybe it was because it had been so long since I have had sex; maybe it was because you were the first girl I had been with who was not Brittany; maybe it was because this was a new sensation. I had had plenty of those that night: flirting, slow dancing, hooking up with you. I guessed, if I was embarking on new ground, I was happy that it was with you. Tonight was a revelation, in so many ways. For a brief, fleeting moment, I was able to not think of Brittany. Granted, I was having sex, but still, this was a big step. You were the first person I slept with since Brittany and I didn't feel guilty at all.
You held me in your arms and I returned your embrace. We remained like that, just breathing in the silence of the room and of the moment. I knew that once we leave this room, we would go back to our lives. You went back to Yale. I went back to New York City. We would probably never speak of this ever again. Just because we slept together, our relationship and our friendship wouldn't change. It was one of the reasons why I knew it was okay to cross this line with you. I knew that we would cross back after this night was over. But we've had that one night, you and I. Tomorrow came soon enough.
As I put the empty mug in the sink, I know that I have to tell you about Brittany's kiss and the fact that I reciprocated. I need to tell you,even before I discusses it with Brittany because the one rule we have is absolutely, positively no secrets. This was the first time I had thought about it since it happened. Now, it is my turn to slip into our marriage bed. I kiss your neck and spoon you, just listening to your light snore, watching the rise and fall of your chest. In the morning, I will tell you about Britt. For now, I just close my eyes and wait for the next dream down Quinn memory lane.
