Chapter 2- Collide
Suggested listening: Acoustic version of Howie Day's "Collide"
I kept tossing and turning. I couldn't sleep. My movements even woke you up, which is next to impossible. The only thing that wakes you up is either our babies' crying or your labor pager. Even then, it takes you a bit to fully wake up. You are a deep sleeper; my wife is dead the world when she is in slumber.
"Quinnie, what's wrong? Stop moving and come here," you say, opening your arms to me.
I let your arms encircle me and I feel safe, secure. I want to talk about it. Rachel is in love with me and thinks we are still together. Brittany's heart was crushed, hearing her wife profess her love to me. I was shocked; I didn't know how severe her amnesia was.
"Baby, do you think all of this temporary? Rachel will remember Brittany and the kids, right? I mean, she has to. She has to realize that I love you. I am married to you."
You snore in my ear. I should have known better than to attempt a conversation at 3 a.m. As soon as your head hits the pillow again, you are asleep. I always had difficulty turning my mind off to world outside our bedroom. It took me awhile to decompress and to allow myself to relax in this space of tranquility.
I remember the first time we fell asleep in each other's arms. It was right after we had sex, for the second time, during the reception of Mr. Schue & Emma's failed wedding. You made me feel protected and loved. You made me see that sex can be a beautiful experience. The way that night ended was not what I had anticipated at the start. Being back home left me unsettled. Seeing Rachel and Finn together made me physically ill. Rachel and I had talked about coming back for the wedding. She told me about her concerns seeing Finn. But there they were, singing up on stage, looking at each other with those eyes. It was then that I full-on flirted with you. I needed a distraction, just as you needed one from Brittany and Sam. We could be two friends, helping each other out. Slow-dancing with you was quite enjoyable. I was not expecting to have such a wonderful time. I think you deciding to leave Louisville for the bright lights of New York City gave you a boost of confidence. I could see the resolve set in your jaw, determined to not let Sam and Brittany get to you. Sure, alcohol helped the situation. We had learned that lesson ages ago. I could tell that we were both having a good time, despite the forces that led us together. Who knows what would have happened, if Finchel and Bram were not there? We probably never would have hooked-up. And now, I realize what a shame that would be. That tryst laid the first bricks of our foundation together. You were so loving and gentle with me, making sure that it was something I wanted. I did want it and want you, San. It was the first time I felt cared and loved during the most intimate act between two consenting adults. Sex with Puck, Finn, and Sam never felt like that. With you, it opened my eyes to how wonderful sex could be. I knew that I wasn't just another notch on your belt or a conquest. What we shared was more than a one-night stand and I knew that the best part of it all was that I would still have you as my best friend. It didn't change our relationship. If anything, it made our bond stronger. I thought about that night often, when I was at Yale, pining over Rachel, wondering if I would ever experience a night as amazing as the night we shared.
Of course, I did, with Rachel. And you did, with Brittany. But that time was in our past. We were married as Britt and Rachel were married. With Rachel not remembering her life with Brittany, where does that leave us? How do we help her get back to her life? How do I tell her that, while I did love her, I was no longer in love with her? It was so painful and hurtful the first time around. I never imagined I would have to do that again. What if Rachel never remembers her life? Was Brittany supposed to make her fall in love again? Would Santana and I have to explain that we were married and that we were in love? These are all the questions I have swimming in my head, floating to the surface. It is only by listening to the steady in-and-out breaths of my beloved and feeling her embrace when finally drift off into sleep.
Sometime later, I can feel the arm that was on my back move off to stop the din of the alarm. It was amazing that it was that that woke us up, instead of the babies.
"Fuck."
"Hmmmm. Okay, babe." I answer, as I turn into you, pressing my breasts into yours, kissing your neck.
"I meant, fuck, it's morning, silly girl," you tell me, as you start to kiss my neck.
"Yeah, well, I heard fuck, as in fuck," I reply with a smirk and a teasing eyebrow, before colliding into you. Our bodies fit like puzzle pieces, as flipped you on your back, just laying my body on top of yours. I can see you look at the clock. You smile up at me.
"I have ten minutes before I need to get up," you say, completing the puzzle piece fit by locking your lips unto mine. I could kiss you forever.
"Well, my love, ten minutes gives me plenty of time to do this," as I deepen the kiss, "and this," as I lick and nip your earlobe, "and this," as travel down to your breasts, caressing them, "and this," as I slip between your folds."
"Don't tease me, Lucy Quinn Fabray," you retort back. "God, what you do to me."
I continue the assault on your body, peppering every inch with a kiss.
"Tell me more, baby. Ugh, you feel so good."
"Well, I am going to mark you right here," as I lick, nip, and suck on your pulse point, so that everyone knows your mine. I see you throw your neck back in pleasure, giving me more access. "Then, I am going to do this," as I join our lips back together, swirling my tongue with yours. "I know you need me here the most," as I dip my right hand below, cupping you. You buck your hips into me, telling me that I am correct in my assertion.
"Please, Quinn, baby. I need you so much."
With that, I gently circle your clitoris, as I can feel how much you want me. I look into your eyes as I slowly enter you with ring and middle fingers, feeling you stretch open, gladly welcoming them inside of you. I continue to kiss you deeply, as I begin to move inside of you, curling my fingers to feel the smoothness.
"Fuck. Right there, Q. More."
I want to tease you more but I know we are under a time constraint, so I just continue to brush against you, moving my hips into you with each thrust. I can feel you squeeze against my fingers as I stretch you wider, making a V-motion with my fingers. I know that will get you off faster. You wrap your arms under my armpits, holding onto me, feeling our bodies flush together. We dance together, synchronizing our hips, as we kiss each other's neck. I can feel you tighten around me, the pressure building inside you. I can feel your wetness coat my fingers, as I thrust in you one more time. You come spectacularly- I can feel the pulsations rock your entire body. I continue to move within you, coaxing out every last one, before I kiss you gently, slipping out of you.
A few moments after you catch your breath, you look at me with pure love. I look back at the clock.
I say, "Mission complete," as the clock reads 6:15 am.
"What about you?" you ask me.
"Well, can you give, like 3 minutes?"
"I'll give you anything you want, babe."
I straddle your thigh and begin to move against it, feeling my wetness spread. I ride your thigh, rubbing against you. Watching your beautiful descent had already got me so turned on, I know that it won't take much for me to come. You place your hand on my hips, grounding me down onto yourself. I buck into you harder, feeling that familiar tug coming.
"Yes, San, just like that."
You move your thigh up into me as you push down hard onto it and with that I cry out, my orgasm hitting me, waves of pleasure moving from my center out. I collapse into, feeling your wetness hit me. We stay like that for awhile, just enjoying the quiet time after lovemaking.
"San, you are so wet. I love that feeling. Knowing that I make you so wet."
"Well, I am sure you could make me come again in no time at all, but I need to get up. I have grand rounds at 8:00 am this morning," you say, as you begin to disengage our bodies. I pout in protest, as you kiss me, getting up. "Stay in bed. You barely slept. I'll go check on Holden and Harper."
I must have listened to you because I enter the space of being half-awake and half-asleep. This is where the subconscious and conscious merge and I can toe the line between the two. It feel foggy and I have to see thru it to know that the first thing I see is Santana. It is a younger version; I know it by her hair and the way she is dressed. This is med school Santana, the Santana that I fell in love with.
For a long time, I thought that I would never find love again. In ruining my relationship with Rachel, I thought I messed up my one chance of happiness. I could never be that blessed or lucky again. I didn't think that I deserved it. It was this sort of thinking that led us together; you felt the exact same way as I did. You thought that Brittany was your one-shot. There we were two souls without our soulmates. We didn't realize that it was us who were the soulmates. It took us a long while to come to that actualization. Since we both believed we were unworthy of love, we never expected it to come to us, never mind with each other. We were so far removed from our hook-up and we had never talked it about it. We both left that hotel room as best friends, nothing more, nothing less. And I guess that is what our love stemmed from, our friendship that had spanned from Girl Scouts to college graduates and all the mess in between. In as much as her and Brittany were best friends first that was how we started. You were my best friend, helping me thru the most difficult time in my life. You had taken it upon herself to be responsible for me at a time when I couldn't.
I knew the exact moment I realized that I had feelings for you. We had just passed our one year anniversary of living together. We finished our first years of graduate school. It was a warm summer twilight slipping into the darkness of night. Since it was a Thursday, we were at Coffee Grounds for open-mic night. We were sitting at our usual table and you had just brought me a soy chai latte. We had started coming here last year. It was one of the few places I was willing to go to after I was released. I felt comfortable there because I had frequented it since my undergrad days. We started the tradition the first Thursday I came home, to go listen to live music and to unwind.
That very first Thursday, you surprised me by getting up there to sing. You sang Madonna's Cherish, the song I sang to you and Brittany at the Sugar Shack, all those years ago. I could tell that you still loved Brittany so much. I think that you had finally accepted that you and Brittany would never get back together. It was more of a reluctant resignation, but you had to move on. You were ready for the next chapter of your life to begin. I was just getting my bearings, being out of rehab for just 2 weeks. So, that is how we started this standing date on Thursdays. It was one of those things I could rely on each week, just like my therapy appointment on Monday mornings and suicide survivor group meetings on Wednesday evenings. Only here, I could just sit back and listen to everyone else share their music or poetry. I never went up on stage; I felt that I already shared so much of myself with strangers. You would get up and sing on occasion, usually when you were really stressed with med school. Sometimes you would sing songs from our glee glory days, but lately, you were singing new songs. I think that these nights gave you a release for all that pent-up anxiety. I could see the layers of worry fall from your shoulders with each note you sang.
That night, you surprised me when you asked Adam, the barista who had just performed, if you could borrow his guitar. I knew that you started playing around with one, but I didn't know you felt comfortable enough to play a guitar in front of people. You sat on the stool in front of the mike, strummed a couple of chords and started playing.
The dawn is breaking
A light shining through
You're barely waking
and I'm tangled up in you
Well I'm open, you're closed
Where I follow, you'll go
I worry
I won't see your face
light up again
Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills your mind
I somehow find
you and I
collide
I'm quiet, you know
You make a first impression
I've found I'm scared to know
I'm always on your mind
Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the stars refuse to shine
Out of the back you fall in time
I somehow find
you and I
collide
Don't stop here
I lost my place
I'm close behind
Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills your mind
You finally find
you and I
collide
Finally find
you and I
collide
You finally find
you and I
collide
Santana, when you sing, you put your whole heart and soul on display. It's as if for those four minutes, you give yourself permission to show emotion. I was amazed by your performance, I always am. But, this time, it felt different, just as I was starting to feel different around you. It wasn't anything dramatic; it was small, lingering glances and touches. The dynamic between us had changed so much since high school. This past year we had grown closer, not just because we were roommates. It was because you saved me, literally. You were the one to grab me from the ledge of my despair. I was in your care as soon as I was discharged, but you never made me feel like I was one of your patients or a burden to you. It was probably because you were my best friend and that was what I held onto. You helped me to successfully transition from rehab to reality. You never pushed me and you were my rock of support. A year ago, I never would have pictured this as my future. Yes, I was the one who did all the hard work on myself and you were with me every step of the day. Sitting in the armchair, I listened to the words you were singing and I cannot help but wonder if you were thinking of someone. It sounded a lot like you are.
The lyrics resonated with me, realizing that that was the way I was feeling about you. I closed my eyes and concentrated on you and your voice. As you strummed to last chord, I opened my eyes; you looked directly at me and smiled. I felt like a live wire under your gaze and felt a surge of electricity between us. I brought out of my trance from the applause. I think that it always surprised you when people would clap after your performance. It is validation that what you just did was good, better than good. You handed the guitar back to Adam and the next person got up on stage. Then, you came back down to sit next to me. I could see that you were still shaking from the adrenaline and you were beaming. I grabbed you into a tight embrace, saying, "San, that was just brilliant! Amazing!" Then, I kissed you on the cheek, as I have done a zillion times. Only this time, I felt something. It was then that I knew that something was happening, something like love. It took me a long time to admit my feelings to you. I embarked on that journey to you with that song and that kiss.
I let myself sit and stew in my feelings for quite awhile. Holding feelings was not a foreign concept to me. I was in love with Rachel for years before I ever told her. This love surprised me. I thought that I had lost the capacity of love. I took my time, feeling myself settle into this realization. It brought me comfort, just as you did. I needed this breathing room to fully grasp what I felt for you was real. Falling in love was different with you. With Rachel, it was love at first sight. I immediately felt a pull towards her. With you, it was a gradual understanding, with a 15 year friendship as the base. This time around, I didn't feel shame or thought this love was forbidden and wrong. It felt right. Knowing you as well as I did, it gave me a solid foundation to build my feelings upon. Oh my, how those feelings grew. As the days and weeks past, I knew that I was falling so hard for you. And it didn't scare me and I didn't shy away from it. I embraced these feelings just as you would embrace me, every night before we would go to sleep in our separate bedrooms. I longed to fall asleep in those arms and to wake up next to you in the morning. I wanted to tell you how I felt but I was certain that my nerves would bumble what I wanted to say. So, I didn't tell you I loved you. Instead, I wrote you a love letter and I mailed it to you.
Dear Santana,
You have come to mean more to me than I ever imagined. You have helped me through the most difficult time of my life. When I wanted nothing more then to die, you showed me that it was okay. Okay for me to acknowledge that feeling, while giving me support when I needed it the most. You didn't judge me; you accepted me, this broken, scared shell of a person. You didn't have to be there for me. And you didn't need to save me. Whenever I told you that or thanked you for saving me, you always tell me that I saved myself. You would tell me that, "I was the only one who could save me, no one else." The thing is that if you didn't come barging thru my door, we would never know if it was true. Thankfully, we will never have to know. You never had to do any of it and yet you still did. Your unconditional support was borne out of fidelity and trust. I know it is because you loved me and you cared for me. You helped me see that I was worthy of love and you helped me feel alive again.
Santana, you made me realize that my life matters and that I needed to put myself first. You helped change my destructive cycle of guilt and resentment. I finally understood that in order to move forward, I had to begin by accepting the past. I couldn't escape it or erase it anymore. In accepting my past, all the dirty, ugly parts of it, I was able to set myself free. I was no longer a prisoner to that night. You were instrumental in igniting that change within me. This past year, I learned how to be the team captain on my own team. I learned that I am much stronger than I think I am. I learned that I am worthy; I am enough. It is with your support, San, that I have become this version of myself.
I cannot pinpoint when or how this started- when my feelings towards you changed. I do know the moment I knew I was in love with you. You were singing "Collide" at open mic night, three months ago. I could feel it in the air and hear it in your voice. It was as if a veil was lifted from my eyes and I saw you for the first time. It didn't scare me, this love. I am not scared to tell you that I love you. I am scared of how this will change our relationship. I am scared of ruining this. I know I am taking that risk, by being honest with you with but with great risk comes great reward. If there is anything this past year has taught me, it is to tell the people that matter the most how much you love them. I almost lost that chance and I never want to lose it. So, I am telling you Santana Maribel Lopez, I love you and I am in love with you.
I hand wrote you the letter in the lost art of cursive. As my fountain pen swirled, I could feel the corners of my mouth spread out into a wide smile. I was so happy. I guess I am just a big romantic and I always felt I could best express myself thru the written word. I spritzed the letter with my perfume. I sealed it with a kiss and dropped it in the mailbox, knowing that you would receive this confessional in three days.
You noticed a change in my mood as I waited for you to get the letter. I was excited and bouncy, anticipating you getting my love letter. The day you got the letter, it was a rainy summer afternoon, and you had just finished your daily run. You had the mail in your left hand; my signature stationary peeking thru amongst the US Weekly and bills. You set the mail on the kitchen counter, in need of water. I was sat at the window seat, rapt with anticipation. Drinking the water, you set down the empty water glass and started to rifle thru the mail.
"Hey, I know this stationary. This is from you, Quinn?" you asked me.
I just smiled. I had no words. They were all sealed in the envelope you were holding. I knew that my life was about to change, as you opened it and pulled out the letter. You looked at me, curious at what I could have mailed. Then, you were reading it and I could feel my heart jumping out of my chest. I heard you gasp, so I looked up to find you clutching the letter, standing in front of me.
"Is this true? You love me?"
"Yes, I love you Santana."
I looked into your eyes and I could see it- the love you had for me. Next thing I knew, we were colliding: lips, bodies, hearts, and minds. Feeling your lips on mine felt like coming home. It was a kiss to build a dream on. It felt like this is how it is supposed to be and the world felt right. I could feel the emptiness in my heart filling up with your love. What I didn't know was that you did sing that song for me that Thursday night. It was exactly how you were feeling and singing was the best way for you to show it. You just didn't know how to tell me. You said it was because you weren't sure if I was ready for that. With my letter, I told you that I was ready. I was ready to be in love again. I was ready for you, Santana.
"Quinnie, I am going to go. I changed Harper's diaper and gave her a pacifier. Holden is still asleep." I look at you with sleepy eyes, blinking awake. Since you had grand rounds, you were dressed up, wearing a lavender oxford, charcoal pencil skirt, and your favorite black peep-toe heels, to show off your pedicure. I love it when you looked like this in the mornings. Well, I love you no matter what you you look like, honestly. "Come here," I say, as I drag you down towards me, colliding our lips together one last time. A kiss before you go. Another kiss to build a dream on.
