Chapter 3- When She Loved Me

Suggested listening: From the soundtrack of Toy Story 2, Sarah McLachlan's "When She Loved Me"

"Come on, Quinn, you promised!"

"Rach, honey. Slow down. The ferris wheel isn't going anywhere!"

I hear your laugh, that angelic sound, as you squeeze my hand. You stop short causing me to come to a halt. I start to pout when you surprise me, your lips touching mine. Your kisses are my drug and I can never have enough. I close my eyes and smile into our kiss, as the commotion of the carnival whirls around us. Whenever we are together, we manage to carve out a moment where the rest of the world falls away. It is just you and me, baby; us against the world. I can feel you lean into me and I can feel myself fall deeper in love with you. I cannot believe we have been together for almost two years. I don't remember a time when I wasn't with you, when you weren't my whole word. I knew that you felt the exact same way about me. I knew that you had loved for so long, ever since we were back in McKinley. I always felt like I had to catch up my love for you.

"Baby, everyone is staring at us," you whisper in my ear.

"Let them," I answer, before giving you one more peck, dragging you to my favorite ride. You had a fear of heights, so you always postponed going on the ferris wheel until the very end of the night. I didn't mind. At night, we could watch the fireworks and all the flashing carnival lights perched high in the night sky. You would snuggle into me and I would wrap my arms around your shoulders, to calm your nerves. You would always be okay once you fell into my embrace.

As we got on the ride, I could feel your nervous energy.

"I got you, baby. Come here." I say to you, opening my arms to you.

We spent the rest of the ride in silence, you placing your head upon my shoulder. It is in these tender moments when I feel the gravity of our love. I know, in my heart of hearts, we are meant to be. In past few days, we were talking about our future and our lives after graduation. In a couple of weeks, you would be graduating from Yale, I would be graduating from NYADA, Santana would be graduating from Columbia, and Tina would be graduating from Julliard. After graduation, we were meeting up with Brittany, Mercedes, and Sugar for our great big Canadian adventure. Growing up, we read Anne of Green Gables books and watched the movies. It was our dream to go to Prince Edward Island and we were finally going on our girls vacation. As the ferris wheel reached the apex, I turned to you and kissed your hair, just relishing in the moment. We went a couple more turns and soon enough, the ferris wheel came to a stop.

I held your hand as you exited the ride."Thanks, babe, for going on the wheel with me," I say with a warm smile, placing a kiss on your knuckles.

"Is there anything in the world that I can refuse you, Rachel Berry?" you say with a laugh.

"Hmm. Nope!" I say as I let go of your hand and race to the carnival games.

After I spent a small fortune on the milk can knock down, I finally win you a teddy bear. You won me a stuffed penguin in the ring toss. We sit on the grass, sharing kettle corn, watching the people walk by. You try to toss the popcorn in my mouth but miss horribly. We both stop laughing when someone approaches us.

"Hi Quinn!" the man says.

You promptly get up to greet him in a hug. "Hi Lars! Having fun at the carnival?"

"Yeah. But I don't suggest eating the fried Snickers bar. Big mistake," he teases as he looks at me.

"Ohh, Lars, this is my girlfriend, Rachel." you say, holding your hand out to me to pull me up. I stand next to you and shake his hand. I get a weird feeling from him.

"And Quinn, this is my girlfriend, Michele." We exchange pleasantries, before you and him start discussing your Senior thesis project. Since Lars was in his 2nd year in the Art History Ph.D program, he was paired up with you to be your student advisor. I discovered that Michele was a ballet dancer who knew Brittany.

"Okay, Lars, I will see you on Wednesday. Have fun!" you tell him, as they walk away from us.

"So, that is Lars, huh? He isn't at all what I pictured. I don't know, babe. I gives me the heebie jeebies. There is just something about him."

"Do I detect jealousy, Rach?"

"No, it is something else. Watch yourself around him. I don't like him."

"You just met him! He is a good guy. He has been great as my student advisor."

"He just looks at you in a certain way, Quinn. Seriously. Just be careful, k?

You pull me into your arms as you say in my ear, "Yes, baby, I promise. Now, let's go home. I want to make love to my girlfriend."

We made love all weekend long. We barely wore any clothes. It was my favorite way to spend a weekend, wrapped up in you. We went to our favorite brunch spot. You ordered your usual: french toast with crisp bacon, fruit on the side, and french press coffee. I had steel-cut oats with fruit and fresh squeezed orange juice. We shared the Sunday Times, fighting over the Funnies, helping each other with the Crossword puzzle, and reading each other's horoscopes aloud. We took a leisurely stroll around Yale, holding hands and just enjoying each other's company. We cooked our favorite Sunday dinner: spaghetti with my grandmother's marinara, spinach salad, and garlic bread. I opened a bottle of your favorite wine to pair with dinner. You made me my favorite vegan cookies as a treat that I could take back with me to the city. We watched Once Upon a Time and The Good Wife. We fell asleep in each other's arms. I could imagine spending every Sunday for the rest of my life like that. These past two years were the best of my life. It was a peek into a life with you. I wanted to feel this way forever with you.

I was going to propose to you. I already bought you a ring. I went to Tiffany's with Santana. It felt appropriate to get the ring there because we had Breakfast at Tiffany's during our NYC Nationals trip. I had already planned the whole proposal with Santana's help. I was going to recreate our night at Santana's gazebo while on vacation in Prince Edward Island. I wanted to relive that night because that night symbolized our first footsteps toward a life together. You told me that it was where you realized you were in love with me and by loving me, meant you were gay. That night made me let go of our past and embrace our future. It was going to be perfect. Unfortunately, we never made it to PEI. I never got the chance to propose to you. That was the last weekend we would spend in our own little cocoon. When I kissed you good-bye on Monday morning, unbeknownst to me, that was the last time I would see you before your life imploded. Lars raped you during your study session Wednesday night.

"Quinn?" I whisper softly.

I wake up with you on my mind. Another memory remembered in my sleep. I look around to orient myself. I am still in the hospital and I hear the monitor beeping in the background. I can see the empty pull-out cot. I look beside me. Brittany has managed to squeeze herself onto the bed with me. I move over, giving her more room, but she just moves closer towards me. What am I going to do? Here she was, my wife, finally sleeping. I don't think I have ever seen one person cry so much and it was all over me. Brittany loves me that much. All she wants is to be close to me. I just cannot remember her as my wife. As a close friend and confidant, sure! But, in my mind, Brittany is with Santana. Quinn is with me. How can I reconcile my reality when my mind can only remember that as my past. I don't know this Brittany, or this Santana, or this Quinn. I do not see them as married and us as married. I remember all of us at 22, not 42. I am missing twenty years of my life. And that is just the tip of the iceberg. I don't remember our children. I think that that is what hurts the most and believe me, not remembering us is really difficult. Having to meet Barby, Noah, Tristan, and our baby Charlotte, for the first time was heartwrenching. How could I explain to them that I couldn't remember them? Our kids, borne out of our love, was something I had to hold onto because I can't let them down again. Britt, we have them to tie us together. No matter what happens, they will always be my number one priority.

But where does this leave us? What is going to happen? The doctor said he doesn't know if I will ever remember; maybe my memory will never come back. I cannot pick up right where we left off. As if you know that my mind is filling with uncertainty, probably by instinct, you wrap your arms around me and say, "Baby, everything will be okay. We will figure this all out together, I promise." I am left speechless. You knew just what to say. I guess that's what marriage and being together for twenty years teaches you. "Come on, baby, try to get some sleep. You need your rest," you tell me as you look at me with those brilliant blues eyes. Without a second thought, you kiss me, a warm and gentle reminder of how much you love me. It was our first kiss since I woke up. I think that you needed this, after everything you had gone through. You needed to physically feel me this close to you. So, I kissed you back, tentatively at first, trying to gauge your reaction. You moaned and that was all I needed to hear. To me, this was our real first kiss, and I wanted to make it epic. It was easy to let go of those nagging uncertainties when I had your lips on me. God, you are an amazing kisser. When you deepen the kiss, sliding your tongue across my bottom lip, I gladly grant you access. I can feel your hand press upon my cheek, guiding me into you. The kisses turn languid and passionate. I can almost feel you testing me, to see if I really can't remember kissing you. I wish that I was wrong, if this is what kissing you feels like. I want to remember every kiss from then to now. I can feel you smile into the last kiss, just holding there, as if to imprint this brand new memory on my fragile mind.

"I want you to never forget this, our first kiss, Rachel. Our second first kiss. We are lucky, babe. We get to redo all of our firsts again. We can make them even better than the last time. And they were all pretty spectacular the first time around," you tell me excitedly as you rest your head upon my chest.

"I will never forget that kiss, Brittany, ever." I respond, as I wrap my arms around you and finally feel sleep calling me.

When I wake up, I see Santana, Quinn, their babies, in my room.

"Baby, are you still going with Barby to California for her spring break?" Quinn asks Santana, as she rocks one of the babies to sleep.

"Well, I promised her. I haven't talked to Brittany about it yet. But I do want to take her, even it is just the two of us. Barby needs to see Stanford and USC so that she can make the best decision. I am sure she will get into every college she applied to. You convinced her to apply to Yale, huh?"

Quinn flashes Santana that dazzling smile that I am so used to seeing. "Yup! You owe me a date since you lost the bet. She finally agreed to apply for art history and French."

"I let you win. I knew she would decide to apply to Yale. I just wanted to win a date with you, gorgeous," Santana teases as she leans in to kiss you.

"You let me win, huh? I always win. You should know that by now, Sanny."

I can see how much they love each other. It is obvious that they are completely in love. Seeing Quinn with being affectionate with someone other than me hurts. I look away, when Santana realizes that I am awake.

"Oh, hey there, Rach. Good morning! Sorry, we didn't mean to wake you," she says, walking towards me.

I cannot talk about what I just saw, so I find an easy distraction. "And who is this, Santana?"

"This is Harper Rachel. She is your goddaughter. That handsome boy over there is Holden Britt. He is your godson. We thought you might like to meet them," Santana says, as Quinn walks up to the other side of the bed.

I look at both of you and your children. You look like a perfect family.

"You named her after me? My godchildren? With each new day, I learn something new. They are beautiful, Santana."

"Yeah, I know. I made them."

"Santana! Jeez, can't you behave. The babies are more behaved than you are," Quinn exclaims.

"Baby, I can't help it. Look at us, we are beautiful, therefore our children have to be beautiful too. It's the law of genetics," Santana says as she hands off Harper to me. "I gave birth to her a month after Quinn gave birth to our boy."

"So, you were both pregnant at the same time? Who's the father?"

"Well, Santana insisted I get pregnant first, so that she could at least deliver one of our children. If she could have delivered Harper, believe me, she would have. They have the same sperm donor, making them half-siblings, since we each used our own eggs. Sam was the donor."

I looked down at Harper, then at Holden, and I could see Sam in each of them. They were precious.

"They very happy and healthy, Quinn. How old are they?" I ask.

"Holden is 10 months and Harper is 9 months. You can already see how much they take after their moms. Harper is fiery and stubborn, just like Santana. Holden is more go-with-the-flow."

"I hate to break it to you, Quinnie, but you are not go-with-the-flow. But, yeah Rachel, we can already see their personalities. They are opposites, like right now. Holden is sleeping, while Harper is wide awake and hungry. They are a handful, but we are loving every minute of it. Let me grab her, Rach. I'm still breastfeeding. Actually, it's probably time for you to pump. You have been pumping every 2-3 hours, right?" Santana asks, as she takes her daughter back.

"Yes, you are right, it is time for me to pump, San. Brittany takes whatever I pump to the NICU and they are freezing it for Charlotte. Is that where she is?" I ask them.

"On Wednesday mornings, she has ballet and contemporary classes at the dance studio. She couldn't miss another week, especially with the holiday show coming up. Britt said she will be here in the afternoon because Mike can cover the hip-hop classes without her."

"And Tristan? Where is he?" I wonder.

"Normally, you would be watching him at home. But, no worries, Brittany just brings him to work. He loves going to the dance studio. Tris follows along and tries to copy whatever she is doing, much like Barby was doing at that age. I swear, you and Brittany know how to raise such talented kids. Well, I am going to go and breastfeed this one. Quinn, you gonna stay here with Rach?"

"Yeah, baby. I'll drop by before I head into work."

Santana kisses her wife with a quick peck before exiting the room. Quinn doesn't look back at me until the door closes.

"Sorry, force of habit. I always watch her as she walks away." Quinn says, blushing.

"I know that this was a lot to take in. Was it too much? It was, I can see it on your face. Britt thought it would be a good thing for you to meet the babies and to see us, as well, us."

I smile to myself. "When did Brittany get so smart? It is a lot, but this is reality. You and Santana are together. You are married. You have a family and a life together. The sooner I realize that, the better."

"Rachel. I know you. You are saying the right things, but I know this has all got to hurt. I am sorry for that. I am sorry that you cannot remember the last twenty years. I am sorry that I am not the Quinn you remember. Right now, I am just somebody that you used to know. But, I am here for you. You were there for me and I am not going anywhere."

"It's just a lot to take in. Seeing you and Santana together and the life you have. It's what I thought I would always have with you. Quinn, I am so confused. I don't know how I am supposed to feel. I mean, right now, I love you. I am in love with you. But, you are not in love with me, you haven't been in forever. And, Brittany, my wife, loves me so much. I feel like every time I think of you or I dream of you, I am breaking her heart. I can't just stop loving you. I can't flip a switch and turn it off. I just..." I say, before I dissolve in tears.

"You've been dreaming of me?" she asks.

All I could do was nod.

Quinn continues, "Rach, you feel the way you feel and there is no right or wrong way. I understand that, we all do. We can't expect you to fall back into the life you used to have when you don't even know what that life was like. All we can do is help acclimate you to your new reality. You just have to give yourself time. You cannot make up twenty years in four days. Each day will get easier and you will make new memories. Please be patient with yourself. I know you think that all this time has just vanished and you cannot afford to waste anymore of it. Just breathe, sweetie," you tell me as you hold my hand.

I know that you are right. I am glad that you don't tell me that my loving you is wrong. Loving you was never wrong. It's just that I am supposed to be in love with Brittany, my wife.

"It will be even better this time, Rachel. You'll see. Just trust me. It will all be okay, I promise you. It is a miracle that you are here and I am here. It is a miracle that Charlotte is here. Let's reframe this. Don't look at it as a negative thing. See it as an opportunity to embrace all the wonderful things and people in your life. You have been given the gift of life. We all came so close to losing you. So, this right now, is you being alive and living. You get the chance to experience your life from a new perspective. Yes, that is scary, but it is also wonderful. And you have us here to support you, all of us. I promise," you tell me.

"Brittany says that I get a redo. I get to do all of these firsts over again. She says that we can make them even better than the last time." I say, wanting to believe my wife.

"She is right. Britts always has a way to see the silver lining in every situation, doesn't she?

I take a moment to ponder that, when Holden moves in your arms. He has yours and Sam's blonde hair.

"So, you are a mom, again? I bet you are an amazing mom. Beth must be an amazing big sister," I say.

"Oh, yeah. Beth loves her baby brother and baby sister. She considers Harper her sister because she doesn't want her to feel left out. She is kinda sorta her stepsister anyway. Beth is doing great. She is a singer./dancer/actress, just like her mom and you. She has been in a couple of musicals. Actually, she told me she would be coming by later, to meet you. You've already seen Shelby, right?"

I answer you, "Yeah, Quinn, yesterday. I hadn't realize how close we had gotten."

"Well, when you were at NYADA, you reached out to her. I think you were missing your dads. She was happy that you wanted her in your life. She wanted you to be a part of Beth's life, as her big sister. Ever since then you have been close. You got even closer when you were cast in Rent. You know that you won a Tony award, right? And you are cast in Funny Girl?"

"So I've been told. I can't believe that is another part of my life I can't remember. My broadway dreams came true."

"Well, we have your performance in Rent and your Tony acceptance speech on DVD, so you can watch it and live it again! I'll tell Beth to bring them by."

"Thanks, Q. I would really like that."

"Well, I have to go to work, Rachel. I'll see you tomorrow? I think you should be discharged soon. At least that was what San said."

"Where do you work?" I ask her.

"I am an art history professor at NYU."

"I am so happy that you finished your Ph.D. After the, well you know. I wasn't sure if you would be able to continue." I say, not meaning to bring up your past.

"Oh no, Rach. I wasn't going to allow my rape to keep me from completing my goals. You were instrumental in helping me accomplish my goal."

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to bring it up."

"Don't be sorry, Rachel. It is a part of my past. I accepted it along time ago and I have been able to move forward. You were such a big part of that and you were wonderful to me through the whole process. I wish you could remember that."

I just smile. "And yes, Santana told me that I would probably be discharged tomorrow. The doctors just want to run a last set of tests and make sure everything is alright. She said she doesn't foresee anything."

"That is great, Rachel. Well, I have to go get Harper from Santana and drop them off at daycare before my first class of the day. Take care, ok? Think about what I said and be easy on yourself. Beth told me she would be here around 1 o'clock, after she done teaching jazz at the dance studio. Yeah, Rachel. She is a great dancer. Just wait till you hear her sing," you say as you kiss my cheek and head out the door.

Right at 1 o'clock, Beth walks in my door. I had spent the rest of the morning visiting Charlotte. She was doing much better, but she was on a ventilator to help her breathe and on antibiotics. I was sitting by the window when my sister comes and gives me a hug. The last time I remember seeing her, she was in kindergarten. Now, she is a grown woman. I hold on to her tight, as I feel my eyes well up with tears.

"Hey now, big sis. Don't start crying because then I will start crying too. This is happy times, okay?" Beth says.

"I just, I mean, in my mind, you are my precocious baby sister. I have you frozen in your ballerina tutu. How old are you now?"

"I am 23. I went to NYADA, just like you. And I was just cast in Funny Girl with you. The pre-production is on hold for the time being. The plans were for it go on Broadway in the summer, so that gives you plenty of time to recover."

"I am so proud of you, Beth. Gosh, I missed so much of you growing up. I just wish I could..."

"I know you wish you could remember. You were an amazing big sister to me growing up. I idolized you. You are and always will be my big sister. I am so happy that you are okay. " she says as she pulls the other chair up next to mine. "So, how was it meeting Holden and Harper? Seeing Quinn and Santana together?"

"Well, I am just really overwhelmed. I am back, twenty years ago, when I was in love with Quinn and planning a life with her. In that span of time from then to now, I fell in love with Brittany, married her, have four beautiful children, and am a Tony award winning star. Quinn is married to Santana. It is just a lot to take in. And I can't just get over loving Quinn and be in love with Brittany."

"Whoa, easy tiger. Yes, that is a lot to take in. Take it one small piece at a time. If you look at it like that, of course you feel overwhelmed. I am overwhelmed just hearing you say that. Let's talk about Quinn, first."

"I was going to propose to her. I had a ring and everything. But I never did, I never got the chance to, because of the rape. I was preparing for that life to be my future. I never imagined this future. I thought that I would have all of this with Quinn. I knew that she imagined that life with me, too. It is not what I planned for. I have this amazing wife, who I know loves me so much. I just hate hurting her and I wish I could just remember."

"Well, wishing you could remember will only make you frustrated. Let's go under the assumption that you won't get your memory back. You can't keep hoping and wishing for something that probably won't happen. You need to focus on now. As for Quinn, of course your feelings for her won't go away with a snap of your fingers. You were in love and planning a life together. You need to give yourself the permission to feel those feelings and know that it is okay. Once you do that, once you start to deal with your feelings surrounding her, then you will be able to move on. Rach, there is no deadline or timetable for you to do all of this. I know that Brittany is in it for the long haul and she won't pressure you. She knows that it will take time."

I sigh loudly, knowing that she is right, in everything she just said.

"Well, look at my baby sis, all knowing and wise," I exclaim. "Can we change the subject, please? Did you bring those DVDs Quinn asked you bring?"

"Of course, big sis. I'll queue up Rent on my laptop. I never get tired of watching you perform," Beth says as she removes her laptop from her messenger bag.

"You set it up, I just have to go pump real quick for Charlotte," I tell her as I sit on the bed, drawing the curtain and setting up the breast pump.

"I need to get a cup of coffee, sis. You want one?" Beth asks.

"That would be wonderful. Thanks, Beth," I tell her.

"Okay, I will be right back then," she says and she walks out the door.

As I hear the pump start working, I contemplate what Brittany, Quinn, and Beth have told me. They are all right. I need to slow down. All of this will work itself out. I have an amazing life. I need to embrace my present and the only way I can do that is to face my past. I can do this. When I set my mind to something, it always gets done. I smile to myself and my new resolve. I want to live my life and I want to live this life. I just have to take it one step at a time.