Chapter 4 - Don't You Remember
Suggested listening: From Adele's Grammy juggernaut sophomore album,"Don't You Remember"
"Mom, can I go over to Uncle Kurt and Uncle Blaine's house for game night? Bryn invited me. Pretty please?" Noah asks me.
"Don't you have a big paper due on Monday? Something about the French Revolution?
"I promised Bryn to help her with her math homework and then she invited me to dinner and game night. Please, mom? I promise to spend the rest of the weekend on my paper. You can even proof it."
"Let's make a deal. You may go if you show me the outline of your paper before you leave on Friday. Qu'en pensez-vous, mon fils? (How about that, my son?)
"Merci, merci, merci, maman. Je vais appeler Bryn dès maintenant!"
(Thank you, thank you, thank you, mom. I'm going to call Brynn right now!)
"Noah, set the table first, please?"
"What's up, mom? I hear you practicing your Francais." Barby asks with a smile, as she walks into the kitchen with Tristan. She washes his hands and puts him in his high chair, as Noah sets the table.
"Well, I need to keep practicing, otherwise I would forget! I mean both of you are fluent. I need to make sure you are not keeping secrets from me and mama!" I tell her with a laugh and she nods her head in return. "Noah asked if could go over to Uncle Kurt and Uncle Blaine's house Friday night for dinner and game night. I told him he could go," I say, finishing the beef stir-fry.
"Mama should be coming home tomorrow, right mom? What time?"
"I think she should be ready in the afternoon. Could you come home straight after school, to make sure everything is in order before she gets here? Maybe you could start dinner?"
"Sure, mom. I just have to be at the dance studio at 7pm. I am helping Uncle Mike with his advanced hip-hop class, remember?" she says.
"Oh, that's right sweetie. Of course. I should have her all settled in by then. How is that going?" I say, as I set the rice cooker on the table.
"Great, mom! I am having a lot of fun with it. Sometimes, I need a change from ballet and contemporary."
"I totally get it, hon. Where is your brother? Time to wash up. Dinnertime."
As I sit at our dinner table, I look to the end of the table and see your empty chair. Tomorrow, you will be sitting there. God, how I miss you. Barby looks at me, as she pats my arm, "We miss her too, mom. You aren't going over there tonight?"
"She insisted that I stay home tonight with you guys and sleep in a proper bed. You know your mama always wins," I say with a laugh.
"Mama. Mama," Tristan says, looking around for her.
"I know, baby boy. Mama is coming home tomorrow." I tell him, as I cut up his food.
After dinner, Barby and Noah take care of the dishes and I give Tristan his bath. He is getting so big. I can tell that he misses you so much. I can see him look around for you. I know he is wondering where you are. I dress our son in his pajamas and decide that he is going to sleep with me in our bed tonight. It feels too empty without you there. I set up a barricade of pillows on your side of the bed and I tuck him in, after reading Goodnight, Moon. I pat his back until he falls asleep. I go and say good night to Noah, who is already working on that outline. I round the coach and sit next to Barby, handing her the baby monitor.
"Mom, put your feet up, I'll give you a foot rub," my eldest says.
Our daughter really is a godsend. I settle my feet in her lap as she begins her magic.
"This going to be weird, isn't it? Mama coming home, but not remembering us or anything. It's going to be confusing."
"Yes, I am sure it will be, sweetie. I think she will have it the hardest, since we obviously remember everything. We will have to be patient and understanding. She is already so frustrated with herself," I tell her.
"But mom, she thinks that Ninang San and you are together. How are we going to fix that?"
"Well, Barby, this morning, they took the Holden and Harper over to the hospital to meet her. I think that, as much as it hurts, she needed to see it. She needs to see your Auntie Quinn and Ninang San are married and they have a family, just as we are married and we are her family. I spoke with Quinn earlier and she thinks it went well. Beth spent the afternoon with your mom, trying to help her sort this out. It is just going to take time. I don't expect your mama to get over Quinn immediately. I was there the first time around, helping her get over Quinn. I will be there again. This time, we will all be there for your mama."
Barby nods. "Okay, mom. So, just be myself around her, right? That is what I told Noah."
"Yes, honey, be yourself. Your mama loves you and she desperately wants to know you, Noah, and Tristan. Thanks so much for the foot massage. I think I am going to take a bath. Do you mind listening for Tristy while I am in the bathroom? He is sleeping in my bed. Goodnight, sweetheart. I love you to the moon and back," I say, as I kiss her forehead.
"G'night, Mom. Love you, too. It will all be okay, mom. You'll see," she says, taking the monitor from me.
I peek over at Tristy and he is sound asleep, clutching his sleeping companion, Tigger. He never falls asleep without him. I enter our en suite and strip off my clothes. I remember the last time I drew a bath was for you. I am repeating the same actions: turning on the left "Hot" handle, adding milk bath powder and lavender salts. I don't light any candles because that would be too romantic and make me miss you even more. I get lost in memories of you that by the time I empty the tub, my hands look like raisins. I pull on my pajamas, kiss our baby boy one more time, and pray that everything will be alright.
In the morning, I make the kids a big breakfast. I feel guilty for being so distracted, albeit it is understandable why. I make what I would normally make for Sunday brunch: blueberry pancakes, bacon, eggs, and fresh fruit. Noah straggles in and takes a seat at the breakfast bar.
"Good morning, momma. What's all this for?"
I kiss my son on the forehead as I hand him a plate full of food. "What? I can't do something nice for my amazing son?"
"Well, I am pretty amazing, mom," Noah crows.
"Whatever, goofball!" Barby says, as she ruffles Noah's hair. "G' mornin, Mom! This is a nice surprise," she says as she takes a seat in between her two brothers.
"Baba, baba! Nono, Nono! Eat!" Tristan says excitedly.
"Hey there, lil man. It's time for breakfast!" she says, as she puts his bib on.
"Noah, we need to leave the house in 40 minutes, okay? Eat up, everyone!
After dropping Noah off at Lycee Francais, I head over to the dance studio for my morning classes. I juggle Tristan on my hip as I find the key to unlock door, when I hear him say, "Mike!" He grabs Tris out of my arms and I open the studio. Katy walks in first and we follow her inside.
"Today's the big day, right Britt?" he asks me.
"Yeah, Mike. Rach comes home today. I am going to the hospital as soon as I finish my morning classes. Barby told me she will be here tonight to help you with your hip-hop class."
"Oh, tell her that if she wants to skip tonight for Rachel's homecoming, she totally can. I can handle the class without her," Mike says.
"I will tell her, Mike, but I think she really enjoys helping you out, especially with hip-hop. I think it is a great breather for her, with all the stress she has." I respond.
Mike sets Tristan down on the hardwood floor. He immediately starts running around with Katy. I set my bag down and take out my ballet shoes. I put my hair in a messy bun and lace up my point shoes. I start my warm-up in front of the bar while Mike goes to the sound system.
He asks me, "What do you want to listen to, Brittany?"
"Can you queue up my wedding playlist?" I answer him.
He looks at me wistfully as he finds it and presses play on the iPod. I smile at Katy and Tristan as they line up in front of me, ready to start in first position. Katy looks adorable in her purple tutu. She is picking up ballet really fast, almost as fast as Barby. I go through my warm-up, feeling the music settle in my bones. Listening to our playlist always lifts my spirits. I was starting to get nervous about you coming home. I wanted to make sure that everything was perfect. I knew that was impossible, so I would settle for as close to perfect as possible. This was going to be the first time you saw the house and the life we had built together. The house was cleaned from top-to-bottom, thanks to Tina and her OCD over cleanliness. I went grocery shopping yesterday for all your favorites. At least, I hoped they would still be your favorites. I washed all your comfy house clothes and changed our bedsheets. I was ready for you to come home. I just hoped that you were ready, too. I am brought out of my thoughts when my son hugs my leg. Katy hugs the other one and they both start laughing. I walk around with them hanging on, as the first students enter the studio.
"Okay, buddy. Time to play! C'mon, Katy. Colorbook time!" I say, taking the kids to the corner of the studio. Mike and I set up a toddler table and playpen for them. They are well behaved. A lot of the time, they both just watch Mike and I while we teach. I am glad to have this distraction. I could always rely on dance as an escape from my problems. I get a whole morning to escape. Soon, the rest of the class enters and I begin their warm-ups.
"Great job, everyone! See you on Monday!" I say, as I clap my hands, signaling the end of the contemporary class.
"Thanks, Brittany! Have a great weekend!" they collectively say.
As the room begins to clear, I head over to Mike.
"Good class?"
"Awesome class. I am ready for lunch. Did you bring anything?"
Mike just laughs. "You do remember who I am married to, right? Tina packed all of us lunch," he says, as he pulls out 4 brown bags, each one with our names on them. "And this one is for Rachel, her favorite apple cinnamon muffins to welcome her home."
"I'll have to call your wife to thank her later. She is something special, isn't she," I say as I reach into my brown bag.
"She sure is," Mike says, with a big smile on his face.
"Tristy, Katy, time for lunch!" I say, as Mike and I bring the lunches over to our kids.
After lunch, I strap Tristan in his car seat and head to the hospital. Santana told me she should be ready to go home at 2:00 pm. She hasn't brought up the kiss yet. It was a momentary lapse in judgement. I don't know why she kissed me back. I haven't thought that far ahead. I have more pressing things to worry about. When I make it to her room, Santana greets me at her door.
"Britt, we need to talk. Not now, but soon," Santana tells me and she give me a quick hug.
It doesn't feel like anything has changed between us. Sure, I kissed her. She kissed me back. But I am married to Rachel and she is married to Quinn. I wonder if she even told Quinn yet.
I can't think about that now. I need to focus on Rachel. I release her from the embrace and open the door. My wife is sitting in the chair, dressed and ready to go.
"Hey, Rach!" I say, as I kiss you on the cheek.
I knew that it probably made you feel uncomfortable. The physical things, the hand holding, hugs, and kisses, even if we did have our second first kiss the other night. I just didn't know how turn off my affection for you. It was all second nature to me, but to you, it was all so new.
"Mama! Mama!" Tristan exclaims, as he reaches out for you.
I am glad that you take him in your arms. He instantly throws his arms around your neck. He is such a loving boy. Santana and I both laugh.
"Hi, Britt, and hello to you, my boy!" you say, as you nuzzle Tris. He starts his infectious laugh.
"Well, Rachel is all set to go. She is officially discharged. Let me go over her discharge instructions with you, Britt," Santana says as she directs me to the pile of papers on the table.
Once I finishing going thru the directions with you and Santana, a volunteer appears with a wheelchair.
"Santana, do I really have to leave in a wheelchair? I feel okay to walk," you protest.
"Yeah, Rach. It is hospital policy."
You take a seat in the wheelchair and rest Tristan on your lap. I grab your bag and walk alongside you.
"We need to stop by the NICU. I want to see Charlotte one more time. Please, Britt," you ask.
"Of course, baby. That is okay, right, San?"
"Meghan, I can take it from here," she says to the volunteer, who steps aside. Santana continues to push you and Tristan until we reach the NICU.
"Britt, you go in with Rach. I will wait here with Tris, k?"
We both smile, as she picks Tristan off of your lap.
"Thanks, Santana, for everything," you say, walking towards the entrance.
I take your hand in mine and we walk into the unit to visit our daughter. Lisa updates me on everything that is happening with Charlotte. We sit on either side of the isolette, open the port holes, and touch our baby. She is still pretty tiny, but she is gaining weight. I meet her primary nurse, who is the nurse who takes care of her whenever she is working. We are lucky that Charlotte has day and night primary nurses. They give her continuity of care. It makes me feel better leaving her, knowing that she has someone looking after her. We say our goodbyes and head to the sinks to take off our isolation gowns and wash our hands.
"Ready to go home, sweetie?" I ask you, as I dry off my hands.
"I don't want to leave here with her, Britt," you tell me, as you go into my arms.
"I know, Rach. I hate leaving her too. You can come see her first thing in the morning. I will drop you off after we drop off Noah at school. You can spend the whole day here with her, okay?"
You sniffle and nod into my shoulder. "Okay, Britt. I just want to go home."
We exit the unit and Tristan comes running towards us. I scoop him up in my arms while Santana brings the wheelchair to you.
"I will pull the car around, okay, San? You want me to take this munchkin?"
"No, Britt, leave him with me. I miss him," you say.
As I drive up to the entrance, I am overcome by worry. I am not used to feeling this way. I wonder how you will take all of this. You are walking into a life you do not now. You are coming home to a place you have never seen before. You are being thrust into your new normal, which is vastly different from the past you remember. I call the first person that comes to mind.
"Hi. May I please speak with the Tina Cohen-Chang? This is Brittany Pierce," I tell Tina's assistant.
After a few moments, Tina picks up my call.
"Hey Britts! What's up? Shouldn't you be at the hospital with Rachel? Mike told me that she was coming home today."
"Yeah, T, I am here right now. I'm kinda freaking out here. You know I never freak out, but I am. What if she hates the house? What if this is all too much for her? I am not really giving her a choice, you know what I mean? This is all being forced upon her," I spit out.
"Take a couple of deep breaths, sweetie. It is all going to be okay. Rachel is alive and she is coming home today. Try to set your worries aside and be happy. Take it all one step at a time. This is all new to the both of you. Don't worry about doing or saying something wrong. You probably will and she will too. You need to learn how be Brittany and Rachel, together. It is just going to take time."
"You're right, Tina. I know you are. I just want everything to be perfect for her," I tell her.
"Britts, it is the imperfections that make life fun. You'll make through the night just fine. Call me later if you need me, okay?" Tina says.
"Thanks for the pep talk, T. And thanks for lunch and for Rachel's muffins. I am sure she will love them."
"No trouble at all, B. Talk to you soon," she says before hanging up.
I take a couple of deep breaths to calm myself. Yes, my wife is coming home today. This is a great day. I keep repeating that thought in my head, as I pull up to where Santana, Rachel, and Tristan are. I settle them both in the car. As I walk around the car, Santana pulls me back.
"Britts, just take everything slow. This is going to be overwhelming for her. It is going to be overwhelming for all of you. I am here if you need anything, okay? Just call me," she says.
"Thanks, San, for everything. I promise, we'll talk later, okay? I better get going," I say, as I enter the driver's side of the car and get in.
"Everyone buckled up? Let's go home," I tell Rachel, Tristan, and myself.
Rachel looks at me and takes a hold of my right hand. She squeezes it as she says, "Yes, Britt. Let's go home."
As I open the door to our house, I see Barby and Noah in the kitchen. I look around and see that there is a vase full of daises and a "Welcome Home Mama" sign up in the living room.
"Mama! You're home!" Noah exclaims as he comes to greet you in the foyer. Barby, with an apron on, follows behind her brother. You open your arms to them. Finally, our family is together. All that was missing is our baby girl. She will be home soon, too. Noah grabs your bag from me and Barby takes Tristy and sets him down. He reaches for your hand and tugs you towards the family room. I guess he wants to be your tour guide. You look down and smile at our son, following him.
I make a pit stop in the kitchen, where Barby is cooking up a wonderful dinner. I look over her shoulder and see that she is making her signature dish, rataouille.
"Smells wonderful, sweetie. How was school today?" I ask Barby.
"It was great, mom. JJ and I practiced our pas de duex for the winter showcase. It is awesome. I cannot wait for you to see it," she answers.
I grab two glasses from the cupboard, get the pitcher of passionfruit iced tea and a juicebox from the fridge. I figure you and Tris must be thirsty.
"Well, I cannot wait to see it either. Mike said you don't have to go tonight. He can manage without his stellar assistant."
"Yeah, mom, but especially after doing ballet all day, I really want to get down. You know what I mean."
I go and kiss her on the cheek and respond, "I totally know what you mean, hon. I am going to check-up on your mama and Tristy, k? Just call me if you need me. Thanks for doing all of this," I say, as I wave my hand in the air, motioning to the flowers and the sign. "I think it made your mama feel welcomed."
"It was all Noah's idea. I picked up the flowers on my way home and he made the sign."
I smile at our children's thoughtfulness. "You have to admit, Barby, he is pretty amazing."
"Yeah, he is. Just don't tell him I said so," she says with a teasing smile.
I walk into our family room, handing you the ice tea, then opening the juice box for Tristan.
I can see that he has set up his toy cars all around him. He is racing them up and down the room. You are watching him from the sofa. I sit next to you and take a moment to breathe. The family room was your favorite room in the house. We keep the whole house neat, but the family room is Tris' play area. It looks like a toddler lives here. You would spend most of your mornings here, playing with him. When he takes his midday nap in the playpen, you would sit in your reading chair, looking over your scripts or reading your next mystery novel.
I look around the room. It is decorated with family pictures and the kids' artwork over the years. It has Barby's perfect attendance certificate and her dance awards. It has Noah's Little League and soccer trophies. It has Tristan's fingerpaintings on paper and on the walls. I am glad that our little man brought you to this room first. It is the best way to introduce you to our family and our life together. I see you looking around the room, taking it all in. Your eyes stop at the picture above the mantle, our wedding picture. We got married back home in Lima twelve years ago at the catholic church we went to since we were kids. It captures the moment right after our kiss as wife and wife. We are standing, facing the aisle. On my side was Barby, as our flower girl. On your side, Noah was our ring bearer. We are all holding hands, smiles beaming from our faces. It was a day I would never forget and it was a day you would never remember. I hold back the tears as I come to that realization.
"We all look so happy in our wedding picture, Britt. I wish I could just remember it. I wish I could remember all of it," you say, with sadness in your voice.
I put a hand on your shoulder and turn you towards me. "Hey, Rach. If you want, we can watch our wedding DVD sometime."
"I would love that."
"Dinner should be ready in about half an hour. Would you like to go and lay down for a bit?" I ask you.
"Yeah. I am really tired."
"Come on, Tristy. Let's go to the kitchen." I say to him as I help you up from the sofa. I drop him off with Barby and Noah. I show you to our bedroom, our sanctuary. You walk around the room. I decide to show you where everything is.
"This is your dresser and this one is mine. On the right is your walk-in-closet. The closed door is the bathroom. I just washed your go-to comfy clothes. They are in your middle drawer. So, yeah, that is about it. I'll come get you for supper, ok?"
You nod and smile at me. I can see it in your eyes that you are overwhelmed and exhausted.
"Hey, I know this is a lot to take in. Just tell me if it's too much, okay?"
"Thanks, Britt. I think I will take a shower. It will help me relax."
"Sounds like a good idea, baby. Everything you need should be in there. Just call me if you need anything, ok?"
You give me one more nod before going to the bathroom, closing the door behind you.
I sit on our bed and let go of the tears I had been holding back. This is going to be a lot harder than I even imagined.
