I DO NOT OWN TWILIGHT!

CHAPTER 17
(Edward)

"No Edward!" She cried hysterically.

"Sh Bella, calm down."

"No, I can't you don't understand, I'm barely hanging on, being here with Emily and Sam, it's hard enough to be here, it's even worse seeing the truck, where we would drive to the beach and climb in the bed, make love for hours under the stars."

I stiffened, I didn't need to hear about their sex life, I never would have said anything about being with Lauren in front of Bella. I had to take a deep breath and realize that she wasn't trying to be mean, she was being honest. "Bella, I'm not doing this to hurt you, please know that, I'm doing this to try to help."

"Edward, you don't get it!" She sobbed. "There are days I don't know if I can live without him! Somedays, I wish I was dead, dying seems a hell of a lot easier than living!"

That did it! I pulled the car down a side road and slammed on the breaks throwing it into park. Her red swollen eyes widened in fear. "Dammit Bella! How can you say that?" I yelled. "You have a beautiful daughter who loves you so much, you have family and friends who think the world of you, and you have me." My voice broke, I knew where she was, I knew how she was feeling, but it hurt to hear it.

She sat there sobbing into her hands with her knees pulled up to her chest.

"Bella," I whispered rubbing her back. "You can not talk about dying!"

"It would be better, less painful and way less confusing!" She sobbed.

"If that's how you really feel, then I need to call your dad and my dad and you need to be committed, because I don't want to leave you alone."

"What?" She asked turning to me.

"I'm serious, if you are suicidal..."

"I'm not going to kill myself," She whispered.

I breathed a sigh or relief, however there was a part of me that wasn't so sure she should be alone. "I know this hurts Bella, I know you feel like your heart is ripping into pieces, but will you trust me please?"

"I, I, I don't know if I can," She cried.

"The first time will be the hardest, but it will get easier."

"You wont leave me?" She asked.

"Never Bella, I'll be right there at your side the whole time," I promised her.

She closed her eyes. "Alright," She whispered.

Bella didn't say anything as we drove to the cemetery, she stayed tucked up with her knees to her chest, I rubbed small circles on her back.

I pulled in at the small wooden church and shut off the car. It wasn't a big cemetery, so I knew we'd find it pretty easy. "Do you know where his grave is?" I asked.

"Over their between the tree and fence," She whispered.

I got out of the car and went around to open her side of the door. "Bella," I whispered. softly.

"What if I can't do this?" She cried looking at me.

I took her hands and pulled her out of the car. She tucked into my side and I wrapped my arms around her and we started the slow walk. I could feel her trembling in my arms and I squeezed her a little tighter. I found the grave, someone had placed flowers on it for Bella.

"Hey Jake," I said. "I'm Edward."

Bella looked at me like I was a bit insane. "Just talk to him," I encouraged.

"What, what do I say?"

"Tell him about Jaycie," I said.

"We have a daughter, she's 4 months old now and looks exactly like you." Bella took a deep breath. "I miss you Jake." She cried pulling away and sinking down to her knees. "I'm sorry I haven't been to see you, it's too hard."

I sat down next to her rubbing her back. "I've met someone Jake, his name is Edward." My heart swelled, as bitter sweet as it was. "He's really good with Jaycie." She leaned into my arms crying softly as I held her. We weren't in any hurry, Jaycie was cared for, so I was able just to hold her and let her cry it out.

Eventually, her crying calmed and she just clung to me. "I'm ready," She whispered.

"Okay," I said softly.

I helped her up. "Bye Jake, I, I, I love you."

Bella didn't say anything as we drove back to Emily's, but she wasn't crying either. I knew she was processing all of her feelings, but I knew when she was ready she'd talk to me.

When we got back to Sam and Emily's house, I helped her out of the car. She looked up and smiled softly "Thank you Edward," She wrapped her arms tightly around me. "I'm sorry I yelled at you."

"Bella, I understand, I didn't take it personally."

I kissed her softly on the lips. "I love you," She whispered.

I smiled sadly. "I love you to honey."

We walked back into their house, Sam was holding a sleeping Jaycie with one hand on Emily's stomach. "How did it go?" Emily asked.

Bella shook her head saidly. "I, we, I told him about Jaycie and Edward."

"Oh honey," Emily said.

"Who puts flowers out there?" I asked.

"Sam and I do, we go out there every few weeks," She said.

"Thanks you guys," Bella said. "How was Jaycie?"

"She was an angel," Sam said

"Bella, come here," Emily said. Bella walked over and sat down, while I went and sat down in the chair. Emily put Bella's hand on her stomach. "I don't remember Jaycie being that active when I was 4 months pregnant." Bella said.

"This right here is a boy," Sam said proudly.

"Matt kicked Lauren like that." I said.

"That's because this one is a boy," Sam said smiling.

I really liked Sam and Emily, they were really nice and they seemed to accept me even though they had been friends with Jake.

That evening, we headed back to her dad's house. "Do you think you and I could get together and go out for supper ourselves next weekend?" I asked.

She smiled. "I can arrange for Sue to watch Jaycie."

"If she can't maybe mom could watch her."

"What about Matt?" Bella asked.

"Shit," I muttered. "Bella, maybe I should talk to him."

"That's up to you, you've met my family, I've met yours. We love each other." She said smiling.

"That we do," I said kissing her knuckles. "However, even when I tell him it could be tricky and we will still need to be careful around him."

"I know," She said. "So did you like them?"

"Sam is pretty cool, I have a feeling he's a lot like Jake was."

"He is, those two could have been brothers."

"I kind of figured that."

"At some point I need to find the title to the truck and give it to Sam, he can have it," She said.

"Ok Bella, from now on lets not talk about you and Jake's sex life and I wont tell you about mine and Lauren's."

"Shit Edward, I'm so sorry, I was just upset."

"I know that honey," I assured her. "Can I ask you a personal question?"

"Sure," She said.

"Was Jake your first?"

"First and only," She said blushing. "What about you?"

"Lauren was my first and only, I never wanted anyone before her and until I met you, never planned on being with anyone after."

"I know things got pretty um, hot in my room today, but I don't know if I'm ready."

"Bella, don't worry about it," I laughed.

"I'm just glad Sue knocked." She laughed.

"Me to. So, was she really talking about our sex life?"

Bella groaned. "She was imagining what our kids would look like."

I pulled into her driveway. "Today, I, never mind," I said.

"What Edward?"

"Looking at Emily, I just wondered what it would be like with you pregnant with my child."

She gasped. "Um."

"You don't want anymore kids?" I asked.

"Not right this second!" She exclaimed. "Jaycie's only 4 months old."

I laughed. "Bella, I'm not talking about right now, I'm talking in the future."

She smiled blushing. "A future with you?" She asked. "I could get used to that idea."

"Would you like to come inside?" Bella asked.

"Sure," I said smiling.

I got Jaycie out of the carseat. "We'll get her base and everything before I leave."

"That's fine," Bella said. "I'll feed her and put her to bed when we get in there and then we can just chill for the evening."

Bella took Jaycie to her room with Sue, I'm sure so that they could talk. While I sat in the livingroom with Charlie. "Um can we talk?" I asked him.

"Sure," He said turning the TV down and turning to me.

"I took Bella to the cemetery today to help her get some closure," His eyes widened. "But on the way over there she made the comment that dying would be better than living and it scared me."

"Did you ask her about what she meant?"

"I told her if she was suicidal I'd talk to you and my dad about having her committed somewhere to get help, but she quickly said she wasn't suicidal. I just wondered if she'd made comments like that before?"

"Right after he died, she said things like that a lot, but I thought things were getting better."

"I've seen changes, but Charlie that comment scared me."

"Thank you for telling me Edward, I appreciate it." He said. "Edward, how did you get on with your life?"

"Charlie, I've asked myself that a lot, but I think it's because she had been so sick for so long that we had time to prepare. At the end when they told us there was nothing to be done, we had a chance to finalize things and prepare. I watched as the cancer took every thing from her, I watched as she grew weaker and weaker knowing there was nothing I could do other than make her comfortable. Finally, we moved her to the hospice house, she didn't want Matt to find her. She was there a few days and died in my arms."

"And Bella never got the chance to say goodbye," Charlie said.

"That's the only thing I can figure," I said.

"How did things going with the visit?"

"Really well, I guess she wants to give Sam Jake's truck. And we did go to the cemetery, that was hard, but it was one place where I went to vent and just talk to her."

"Hey, um Charlie, can I get your opinion on something?"

"Sure," He siad.

"Well things with Bella and I are going really well and I was thinking that maybe I should talk to Matt. I just don't know how."

"I think you need to be honest with him, but be prepared, he could act out some, but stay strong and reassure him."

Bella came back into the livingroom. "Hey," She said sitting down next to me.

"How are Sam and Emily?" Charlie asked.

"They are good. Emily looks great and they are convinced she is having a boy."

"That's great," Charlie said smiling.

"Is Jaycie asleep?" I asked.

"Yah," Bella said smiling. "Sue is going to make popcorn in a few minutes, she thought a movie would be fun."

We all decided on "Water For Elephants" and Bella curled against me threading our fingers together. I wrapped my arms around her, knowing just how long of a day she'd had. She yawned and smiled up at me. "Thank you," She whispered.

"For what?" I asked.

"Just being there today through all of it, I knew it couldn't have been comfortable."

"But I did it for you," She shivered and I grabbed the throw off the back of the couch and covered her up.

Halfway through the movie, I felt Bella relax and her breathing evened out. I glanced down at her and she was sound asleep. I shifted to where I was holding her closer to me. I didn't pay much attention to the movie, only the angel sleeping in my arms. I kissed her on the top of her head and a small smile crept across her face.

When the movie was over I debated on how to get up, I didn't want to wake her up. "I haven't seen her this happy in a long time," Sue said smiling at her.

"Even with me taking her to the cemetery today?" I asked.

"She told me she appreciated you doing that with her and just supporting her."

"It helped me, but I didn't know if it would her, I just held my breath and took a chance."

"I think it did help her," Sue said.

Bella stretched and her eyes fluttered open. "Sorry, I didn't mean to fall asleep on you," She mumbled sleepily.

"I didn't mind, you looked like an angel."

She blushed and sat up. "I guess, I was just comfortable."

"Well Bella, I hate to do this, but I need to get going home."

"I know," She said standing up. "I'll walk you out."

I put the base of Jacyie's seat into Bella's car then turned to her. "Even though today was hard, I had a lot of fun."

"I did to," She wrapped her arms around my neck and I brought my lips down to hers kissing her softly.

"I love you Bella."

A tear slid down her cheek. "I love you to Edward."

We hugged and kissed some more. "Sleep good my Bella. I'll call you tomorrow."

She smiled up at me. "Night Edward."

I watched her walk into the house, then got into my car and drove off. I knew I had some major decisions to make over the next few months, some of them would be more difficult then others, but I was thankful that I had the support of my family as well as hers.

I pulled into my driveway knowing that in the next day or two I would be talking to Matt.

AN- THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THE SUPPORT FOR THIS STORY. I'M GOING TO TRY TO UPDATE ON WEEKENDS AND ON WEDNESDAYS.