Chapter 5 - Cherish

Suggested listening: Santana's Valentine's Day present to Brittany, The God Squad's mash-up, "Cherish/Cherish"

"Quinn, I need to tell you something. When I found Brittany on the roof, the day Charlotte was born, something happened. She kissed me. She kissed me and I didn't stop her. I kissed her back."

I look back at you with stormy eyes.

"You what?"

"I kissed her back. I was caught off guard by her kissing me. I wasn't thinking and I don't know why I kissed her. I knew it was wrong. It doesn't mean anything."

"Of course, it means something, Santana. Every action we choose to do means something. Don't lie to me."

"I swear, I am not, Quinn. I didn't choose to do it. It just happened."

"And this happened when? Five days ago, San! You are just telling me this now! What were you waiting for?"

"I didn't know how to tell you. I am sorry. So, so very sorry, baby. If I could take it back, I would."

"I can understand why Brittany kissed you. She was an emotional wreck. She was in a hospital and she hates hospitals. She was up on the roof of a hospital, which is one of her go to spots for comfort whenever she is on hospital for a loved one. You know that. I know that. I can see that. I might not know her motive for kissing her but what I don't understand is your motive for kissing her. What is your excuse? Do you even have one?"

Whenever I am angry, Cheerio Quinn is unleashed. I don't cry when I am upset, at least not immediately. I rage against the offending thing- in this case, my wife. It is rare that I show this Quinn anymore. The closest I have been this angry is in the context of being a protective mama bear to Holden and Harper. This is different. Santana sinned and violated the sanctity of our marriage. My wife kissed someone who wasn't her wife. The fact that it was Brittany makes it a zillion times worse. She knew what was coming-

open-handed slap to my face

She didn't say anything. She deserved it. She deserved a lot more.

"So, you make love to me yesterday morning, knowing you kissed Brittany. How could you even do that to me? What the fuck are you thinking? I can't fucking believe you.

I took your stunned silence as my answer. I go to our bedroom, throw a pillow and blanket out the door, before closing it and locking it behind me.

I am furious at you. I cannot remember ever being this angry at you, not in 25+ years of marriage or over 35 years of friendship. I scream into my pillow, raging, as hot tears flow down my cheeks. I look down and see the ring you gave me to solidify our relationship. I see the Tiffany anniversary band you gave me for our 20th anniversary. You cherish me; you love me; you did this to me, to us. I close my eyes and remember that spring day in Boston. It was a day that I would never forget.

We were walking along the Charles River. We had just reached the final spot on the Boston Scavenger hunt. We didn't see any of the other girls so I assumed we won. You already knew that they were lurking around somewhere, but I thought they still by Fenway Park, which was the previous destination on the hunt. It was a great day, exploring this wonderful city. We started at Newbury Comics on Newbury street after lunch at Cafe Jaffa. Next stop was the Swan Boats and the Make Way for Ducklings sculpture in Boston Garden. After that, we went to Downtown Crossing, to the original Filene's Basement. We had cannolis at Mike's Pastry in the North End. We stopped at Faneuil Hall then took the T to Fenway Park. Lisa's scavenger hunt took us all over Boston and here we were, at the last check-in area. We were strolling aimlessly, swinging our hands and looking at the river. I had a ring box burning a hole in the right pocket of my spring sundress. I knew that I wanted to propose to you. I was going to let the moment dictate my actions. I felt that burn more intensely. I looked around our surroundings; it was pretty perfect. I stopped walking and tugged you to face me. I had been thinking about this ever since I bought your Tiffany engagement ring 2 months ago. I took a deep, steady breath and began:

You are always the one doing grand gestures of love. Now, it is my turn. Santana, I still remember that first day of 3rd grade. I was talking with Britts and Tina, showing them the "My Little Pony" my mom got me for my first day of school. I saw you enter the classroom with your mom behind you. I remember thinking how pretty you were. You had skin like I had never seen before, like sweet caramel from a Milky Way bar. You had 2 long pigtails with red ribbons, your small frame drowning in our standard plaid Catholic School jumper. I looked down and saw your G.I. Joe lunchbox, not like Tina's Hello Kitty or Brittany's Care Bear lunch box. I quirked my eyebrow- yeah I've been doing that since birth- and smiled at you. San, you looked scared and confident at the same time. You looked all around the classroom until your eyes settled on me. I smiled again and gave you a small wave. You took a moment, as if deciding what to do. Then, you gave me a shy, slight smile, just enough to tease the corners of your mouth, before looking away. Your mom was introducing you to Miss Bliss; I could see you extending your hand towards her. You seemed so formal. You bade good-bye to your mom and turned around to stand in front of your new classmates.

"Okay, everyone, let's take our seats. This is Santana Lopez. Her family just moved here from France. Can anyone tell me where France is?" Miss Bliss asks.

"It is in Europe. It kinda looks like a weird square." I answered.

There is was again, your small, bashful, slight smile.

"That is correct, Quinn. Let's all welcome Santana to Lima and St. John's!"

The class exclaims: "Welcome Santana!" clapping their hands.

You shuffle your feet, slightly bowing your head, with a blush creeping up the apple of your cheeks.

"Why don't you take that empty seat next to Quinn and Tina, Santana? And Quinn, why don't you show her where to put her things," Miss Bliss asks.

I got up and walked up next to you, smiling brightly. You were so small. You gave me another smile, this one bigger than the last. Your dark brown eyes meeting my hazel. You were beautiful. I led you to the back of the classroom, where we hung our coats and knapsacks.

"Hi! I'm Quinn." I say, sticking out my hand. "It's nice to meet you, Santana!"

You grip my hand, giving me a strong squeeze. Making you smile was becoming my new favorite thing. Ever since then, when you were nine and I was eight, I knew you were special. And all through these years, I never forgot how special you are- not just to me, but to the world. You love with your whole heart. You don't know how to do anything half-heartedly. It's one of the things I love most about you. Santana. You love me like I am the most precious thing in the world. You cherish me everyday and that is what I want with you. I want everyday with you: to know where I am, you will be forever. I love you so very much.

Santana Maribel Lopez, will you do me the honor of being my wife? I can't promise you that everything will be sunny and bright. I can't promise that I won't piss you off or slap you. You know that I am a genius slapper. I can't promise you the moon, but I can promise you the stars. I can promise to love you and to have that love for you grow each day. I promise to love you more today than yesterday. I love you, my belle. So, will you? Will you marry me?

I get down on one knee, pulling a small black box out of my pocket. I look up at you and I remember the story of us. It is a wonderful story that still has so many blank pages to fill.

You close your eyes, take in a deep breath, feeling the gravity of the situation. You pull me up from the ground, looking at me with eyes full of love, before throwing your arms around my neck. I knew that was a "Yes." All that existed was that moment: us, our love, our commitment. You didn't need to say yes, I already knew the answer to my question. You lean into my ear, saying, " So much for grand, sweeping gestures, Quinnie. I have one for you. Marry me today. Here. Right now. I don't want to spend another minute without you as my wife. Marry me, Lucy Quinn Fabray. Say you will..."

I pull you back and see you reaching in your pocket for your black ring box. You ask me again: "Marry me today, Lucy Q. I love you so fucking much. You challenge me to be better. You make me a better person. You are my sun, my moon, my shining star. If you say yes, I promise to love you with all that I am every single day. I promise to never go to bed angry. I promise to pick up my dirty socks off the bedroom floor. Most of all, I promise to treasure every moment we are together, to act as if it is the last one we've got. You taught me that we are only truly living if we live like we are dying. Babydoll, say you'll do it. You'll make me the happiest woman on the planet. Say that you will take me as your wife."

You open the box to reveal your abuela's engagement ring. The same one we used to borrow when we played dress-up. Our eyes meet and you know my answer. There is only one right answer: "Yes."

We had just passed our 2nd year anniversary and they were the best 2 years of my life. I didn't think I could ever be in love again, after Rachel. I most certainly didn't dream that I would be in love with you. I looked at you a screamed: "Yes! I will marry you today!" You got up from bended knee and shrieked, before you picked me up and spun me around, to see our friends hiding behind several trees. They all had tears in their eyes, as did I.

We did get married that day. We took the ferry from Wood's Hole to Vineyard Haven. We got married by the Justice of the Peace and took our first walk as wife and wife along the shore. It was perfect. Of course, we had our big Catholic church wedding three years later, at St. Patrick's Cathedral. This one was just for us and our closest friends. Those bastards set up the whole weekend to Boston. You, Lisa, and Jamie didn't need have interviews for your residencies. You just told me that. You all plotted the whole trip. They knew you were going to propose; they just didn't expect me to beat you to it. Well, except for Tina. She knew that I was going to ask you sometime that weekend. She really does keep secrets well.

a soft knock-knock

You say through the door, "Quinn, baby, I am sorry. I made a promise to you to never go to bed angry. I never have broken that promise to you. I am not about to start now. I will wait here all night if I have to but I am not going to bed, with you furious at me."

How can you do that? Be sweet and cute like that when I am so angry at you. I wait 5 minutes before I open the door. I can tell you want to hug me immediately, but you stop yourself. You wait for me.

"Santana, I don't understand why you did what you did. Do you?"

"Honestly, I don't know. Lately, I have been thinking of that time in our pasts, where I was with Brittany and you were with Rachel. But I have never thought about kissing her, I swear. I love you and only you. You know that," you respond.

I wait for a moment before saying, " Well, if we are being honest, I have been thinking of that part of our lives, too. Obviously, with what's been happening with Rachel, it makes sense. It's like I've been thinking that that time was less crazy and hectic, but it wasn't." I take your hand and lead you inside our bedroom.

"So, you don't want to kiss Brittany, right?"

"No! And you don't want to kiss Rachel, right?

"I think Rachel might want to kiss me, but I don't want to kiss her. I only want to kiss you, now and for the rest of my life."

"So, all is forgiven, my love?"

"Hmm, not so fast, Dr. Lopez. I am still angry with you for doing it, but you can come to bed. Frankly, I am too tired to discuss this anymore. I don't want to say something I will regret. We will talk in the morning, okay? "

You take my hand and kiss the back of it, looking at me with sorry eyes.

I turn down our bed and we slip inside.

"Good night, Santana."

"Good night, Quinn."