Chapter 7 - Gonna Get Over You

Suggested listening: Another one off of Kaleidoscope Heart, "Gonna Get Over You"

"Mama! Mama! I want boom boom!"

"Ma, have you seen my soccer cleats?"

"Hey Mama, have you seen my dance bag?"

It was a whirlwind Saturday morning in the Pierceberry household. I have been home for 3 weeks and have come to realize that these whirlwind mornings are pretty much every morning. Usually Brittany has a handle on the morning chaos and I help when I can. However, this morning, Britt woke up with a massive cold that might be the flu. I woke up to the sound of Tristan crying. He was hungry. I just got him situated in his high chair, when Barby and Noah enter the kitchen. You would think that Saturday mornings would mean sleeping in. Apparently, that only occurs on Sunday mornings and that is if we don't go to church, which we usually do. Hence, there is no sleeping in at this house. Noah was already in his soccer uniform and he always forgets where he puts his cleats. Barby, on the other hand, is very good at knowing where her things are.

"Noah, I think they are in the mud room. Why don't you check there?"

"B, I think you left your dance bag in the car."

They scurry off to the locations as I sit to feed my baby boy. I cut up the banana slices and place them on his table. It took me a while to understand him. Boom boom was banana. Yoyo was yogurt, which was his favorite. I filled his sippy cup with milk and opened the blueberry yogurt for him.

"Thanks, mama, you were right."

"Yup, in the car. Thanks mama!"

"What do you guys want for breakfast?" I can whip up something real quick," I ask my children.

"I'll take something to go, Mama. I have ballet class at Julliard, remember? Every Saturday morning at 10 am."

"Me too, Ma. Uncle Blaine is picking me up for my soccer game in 10 mins. Burt already texted me that they are almost here."

I hand them each a banana, gogurt, and a granola bar for their to-go breakfasts.

They both reply, "Thanks, Mama!"

They both kiss Tristy on the head. Noah says, "Bye, squirt! Behave for mama, okay?" He just beams up at them, showing his toothy grin.

Just like that, I am alone with Tristan. The whirlwind has died down to a babbling, happy toddler. I decide to bring Brittany some breakfast. I'm not sure what she would like to eat. I think maybe some hot tea with lemon and honey, to soothe her throat. I wanted english muffins for breakfast, so I pop some in the toaster for both of us. I get the butter and jam out from the fridge. I also get her a glass of orange juice. I look back at Tristan and realize that he will need a bath, since he managed to get the yogurt in his hair. He is adorable. I wipe as much of it as I could out of his hair and set him down.

"We need to give mommy her breakfast, okay, honey?"

He nods at me and starts walking towards our bedroom. I get the tray of food and follow him.

He enters the room and runs to your side of the bed.

"Mommy! Mommy! We bring bfast for you!" he says.

Brittany looks up and sees me behind him with the tray.

"Oh, Rachel, sweetie, you didn't have to. I was going to come down. The kids they..."

"No worries, I took care of them. Now, sit up and eat. I need to give our little man a bath."

She looks at the blue streaks in his hair and giggles.

"Yeah, I never figure out how he gets the yogurt in his hair. Thanks, babe, for this."

I set the tray in front of her, give her a kiss on her cheek, and feel her forehead.

"You feel warm, Britts. I will go get you some Tylenol."

I come out of out bathroom with the medicine, handing it to her. "If you need anything, just use the baby monitor, okay? I'm going to give Tris his bath."

"Thanks, Rach. I love you."

I couldn't quite say that yet, so I just turned and smiled at Brittany. I walk out of our bedroom with Tristan on my hip. "It's bath time, little man."

I make chicken matzoh ball soup for lunch. Whenever I am sick, my dads used to make it for me. I called my daddy for the recipe this morning. Apparently, it's was just another one of those things I had forgotten. My dads were flying in next week for Hannukah and Christmas. It was going to mine and Charlotte's first Holiday celebration. She was doing better, getting bigger and stronger. She was getting weaned off of her ventilator and was tolerating the small amount of breast milk she was given. I've been going to visit her everyday, spending a good portion of my day with her. Usually, Britt drops me off at the hospital after we drop up Noah at school. She picks me up right before we pick him up in the afternoon. The weekends are more relaxed. Today, Santana was going to pick me up, since she had to check up on some of her patients. Quinn was going to stay here with the Holden, Harper, and Tristan while we went to the hospital. I told them to come over for lunch. I had just finished the soup when they all walked in the door.

"Now, Babs, you need to go to Yale! I am telling you, you won't regret it!" I hear Quinn say to Barby.

Santana retorts, "Hold up, Q. If my goddaughter is going anywhere, it is Columbia."

"Hey, babe. You did go to Yale Medical School. You should be on my side," Quinn says.

"You two are silly. I don't even know if I will get into Columbia or Yale. Hi, mama! How's mom feeling?" Barby asks me.

"She is still in bed. I think she might have the flu. Think you can go check on her, San?"

Santana takes off her coat, puts Holden down in the spare high chair, and walks towards our bedroom. "Sure thing, Rach. I'll be right back."

Barby runs to her room to shower before lunch, leaving Quinn and I alone, with the exception of the babies. She sits down, with Harper on her lap, as I stir the soup. We haven't been left alone together since I have gotten home. It feels weird. I think that Quinn can feel my apprehension.

"Rachel, hey. You okay?"

"Yeah, Quinn, I am good. I am just going to check on Tristan. I'll be right back," I answer her.

I walk out of the kitchen and go to Tristan's nursery, finding him sound asleep. I sit down on the rocking chair. I take a couple of deep breaths to calm myself. It was still all too much. It was seeing Quinn and Santana together with their babies. It was being alone with Quinn, when I was still in love with her. I love Brittany, I do. But I wasn't in love with her, not yet. This was the most difficult thing of the past 3 weeks: dealing with my love for Quinn. Spending time with Britt and the kids, that was the best part.

I look up and see Quinn standing in the doorway. She was silently looking me over.

"Rach, I get it. I know this is really difficult for you. I just want you to know that I am here for you, in whatever way you need. If you want space, you got it. If you want to ask me anything, ask away. I can't even imagine what you are going thru right now. So, yeah, I'm here for you, okay?"

I look up as Quinn looks at me and gives me a warm smile. She is about to turn on her heels when I say:

"When I was making the soup, I remembered the last time I made it was for you. It was when you caught the flu from me and I felt so bad for making you sick. So, I called my daddy and asked for the recipe. He laughed, knowing that I had no idea how to cook chicken. I was determined and you know how I get when I set my mind to something. I figured it out, obviously. I think I even had a spoonful, just to taste. I remember the look on your face when I entered our bedroom with a tray. You said that soup healed you, that I healed you. Quinn, I didn't even have to think. When I am having such a difficult time remembering anything with Brittany, a memory of us came so easily. I just..." I say, as I feel the tears take over, strangling my words.

She comes over, bending down, to be eye level with me. She folds her arms around me, to comfort me. I can't help but breathe in the scent of her. It's just as I remembered, the fresh, floral scent that is Quinn and Quinn alone. My mind is screaming, "No! This is wrong!" while my heart is whispering, "Yes. This is where you belong." I settle in Quinn's embrace, as more hot tears flowed.

"Quinn, I can't. Being this close to you, it feels so good. That is why this is wrong. I have Brittany to think about. I love her. But this- being like this- I cannot help the feelings that come up. I'm still in love with you, Quinn. And I can't get over you if we are doing this," I tell Quinn, pushing her away. I see a look of understanding in her eyes as she backs away from me.

"Rach, I didn't mean to make things more difficult. I just wanted to comfort you. You have to keep doing this, okay? Tell me when I am overstepping. I will give you all the space you need. I'm going to go check on the babies."

I sniffle and nod politely to Quinn, saying, "Thanks, Quinnie. Quinn. I mean Quinn. I am sorry." In my mind, I am berating myself for the slip of my tongue.

"You don't need to thank me, Rach. You most certainly have nothing to be sorry about. And, it's kinda nice to hear you call me 'Quinnie' again," she says with a smile. "I'll see you in the kitchen, okay?"

She leaves the room and I exhale loudly. "It has to get easier, it just has to," I say to myself. "I love Brittany. I love Brittany." I take a few more moments to compose myself, before meeting everyone in the kitchen.

"Britt?" Santana says as she peeks her head in the bedroom.

"Huh? San?" Brittany says sleepily.

"Rachel wanted me to check-up on you. She says that you think you have the flu."

Brittany sits up in bed as Santana approaches the bed.

"I have body aches and chills, a cold, and a fever," she says.

"Yeah, Britt, that sounds like the flu."

She flops back on the bed and burrows into the sheets.

"I know this isn't the best time, B, but we need to talk about it, the kiss."

"I am sorry, San. I didn't mean it. I was so scared with Rachel and my mind was elsewhere. I was remembering the time when we where together. I got wrapped up in memories of us. I wasn't thinking and I just reacted. I am sorry."

Santana sits on the bed and responds: "I have been racking my brain, trying to come up with a reason why I kissed you back. I told Quinn that I didn't know why I did it and I was- I am being honest. I was thinking about us too, back at McKinley. I was thinking about the what-ifs, like what-if you and I stayed together, what-if Quinn and Rachel stayed together. I, too, was wrapped up in the moment and in our memories. Kissing you, it was like my lips reacted before my brain could tell them to stop. I didn't even realize what had happened, until you pushed me away and ran off the roof."

Brittany lets her words sink in. "I bet Quinn was so mad. I would be, if I found out that Quinn and Rachel kissed. Well, I think that, right now, Rachel would like that more than kissing me. I know that she is in love with Quinn. I mean, we are both trying so hard but I cannot stop holding back my love and affection towards her. I know that she loves me- I can feel that she does. She just isn't in love with me," she says dejectedly.

"Well, Britt, it will just take time. You didn't get over me that quickly. Same goes for me getting over you, Quinn getting over Rachel, and Rachel getting over Quinn. She did it once before and she will do it again. Rachel will get there, I promise. I told you to take things slow and be patient. She loves you, Brittany. She will be in love with you again."

Santana looks up into Brittany's eyes and she can see them rimming with tears. "But San, what if she never does? What if my wife never loves me that way again? I love her so much it hurts. I watch her struggle and see her get disappointed in herself for not remembering. I try to tell her that, 'It's okay, Rachel,' but that only makes her more frustrated. What if she gives up on us? What if she never wants me as her wife?" she asks, as she dissolves into tears.

All Santana can do is wrap her best friend in her arms. She doesn't know I overheard that last part, since I was coming to check on them. Brittany had been so strong these past couple of weeks. I had no idea that she was feeling this way. I didn't know what to do.

"Britt, I can't promise you that she won't. All I can tell you is to keep loving Rachel and to not give up her. Don't give up on your marriage."

After a moment, I hear Brittany's response, "I wouldn't know how even if I tried. I love Rachel. I just miss us as 'us.' We will never be that 'us' again."

Santana replies, "Yes, Britts, that is true. But we never really stay as 'us.' We are always changing and growing. Quinn and I are not the same as we were yesterday. The same holds true for you and Rachel. If Rachel is the Rachel I know, she is doing everything she can to get back to you. I am sure it has been an easier transition with kids, right?"

"Yeah. Within a week, things were great between them, which I has so happy for. I guess I just assumed that we would fall back in step with each other, too," Brittany answers.

I can hear the hurt and the hope in her voice. Santana is right; I am doing everything in my power to get back to you, Britt. I swear it. Now, I have to show you that I am.

"Thanks, San, for listening. And I am sorry about..."

"We never have to talk about it ever again. And I am here for you whenever, you know that," Santana says, as she hugs Britt one more time. "Now, lie back down and get some rest. I want you to take Tylenol to lower your fever. It should also help with your body aches. Rachel told me she gave you some about 4 hours ago. I am going to get the thermometer and the medicine."

I try to hide behind the door but Santana sees me. She just nods, knowing that I heard everything Brittany expressed. I nod back at her and give her a half-smile, before entering the room.

"How's my favorite patient? Feeling better after lunch?" I ask her.

"Thanks for making the soup. It made me feel a little better. Are you going to the hospital now to visit Charlie?"

"As soon as Santana is ready. Will you be okay if I go?"

"Of course I will! Q is going to stay and Barby is already home. I will be perfectly fine. I'll probably pass out anyway, after Santana gives me the medicine."

She walks out of our bathroom, thermometer and medicine in hand, and walks toward Brittany's side of the bed.

I love it when Dr. Lopez comes out. She is all business. "Britt, you need to take the medicine every 4-6 hours until you fever breaks. Drink plenty of fluids, and by fluids, I mean tea, broth, smoothies, even Gatorade, just not your favorite grape soda. Take a warm shower, that will help. And keep all the kids out, we don't want them getting sick."

"Aye, aye, Dr. San. No grape soda," Britt says with a pout.

"I'll check on you when we get back from the hospital. Ready, Rach?"

"I will meet you downstairs, Santana."

I go to Brittany and I give her a kiss on the forehead. She still feels warm. I tuck her in, amongst the blankets, and I put a cool washcloth on her forehead.

"Try to get some rest, babe. I will be home soon. I'll tell Charlotte that you love her."

I see you have this wide grin on your face and I wonder why.

"What is it, Britt? You are grinning like the Cheshire cat right now."

"You called me babe just now. It's the first time you did that since, you know."

I smile down at her, not even realizing I had. It slipped out so easily and I didn't have to think about it.

"Well, you are my babe, aren't you, Britt?" I say with sincerity, as I kiss her rosy red cheek.

"And you are my buttercup, Rachie. I'm sleepy."

"Sweet dreams, baby," I tell her, before I slip out of our room.

Santana and I spent the afternoon at the hospital. Charlotte is doing well. She finished her antibiotics and was off the ventilator. Lisa said as long as she continues to gain weight and get better, she should be home soon. It was the best news I heard all day and I couldn't wait to tell Brittany. Santana was talking with Lisa, getting the medical version of Charlotte's condition. I could see her smiling, so she must be happy with Lisa's assessment.

We get into Santana's car and she finally asks me, "Do you want to talk about it, Rach?" as I buckle my seatbelt.

I look at her for a moment and she continues. "I know you heard mine and Brittany's conversation. I bet you have a lot of thoughts on it."

"I had no clue Brittany was feeling that way. I feel selfish for not realizing that she was hurting and that I was the one causing her pain."

Santana responds, "I think you both need to be honest with each other. Don't be afraid to hurt each other's feelings by keeping things to yourself. Being silent won't help. Britt already knows that you are still in love with Quinn. She is so scared of losing you, Rachel."

"Well, I am afraid of losing her. I know she is being patient with me. You were right, San. I am doing everything I can to get back to her. And this is so awkward talking about this with you, but, yes, I am in love with Quinn. I love Brittany, I do. I am just not in love with her yet."

"That is a start, Rachel. Yet is the key word because it means that you know that you will fall in love with her. I get that you feel that way about Quinn. Your brain dumped you off at age 21, when you and Quinn were together. I don't expect you to get over her immediately and neither does Brittany. We all know it will take time for your feelings to pass. Quinn, Brittany, and I all have patience for you. You need to have some patience with yourself."

Santana looks at me sincerely, as she squeezes my hand over the console. "It will get better, Rachel. I promise you. Look at how far you've come in 3 weeks. The kids love you and you have adjusted to being their mama. You and B just need to adjust to each other. Spend alone time together, getting to know each other. Remember, you and Britt were friends back then. In your mind, she was in Glee club with you and she was a great supporter of Faberry. Brittany was getting to know you because of Quinn. Through her, you became friends. You need to let your feelings develop from there. You cannot expect to be in love immediately, Rach. It took a long time for you to realize your feelings for Brittany the first time around. Stop being so damn hard on yourself. After everything you have been through, you are doing great. Honestly, Rachel, I swear. You are such an overachiever. You have exceeded mine and your doctors' expectations for you at this point in your recovery."

Hearing Santana say that alleviated some of my stress and worry. "I needed to hear this, Santana, so thank you. I guess I don't really have much patience for myself. I am afraid of letting Brittany down, of disappointing her. I know that she loves me, I can feel it. I want her to feel my love for her, too. Right now, she can't feel it, because I am in love with your wife (which you are taking remarkably well, by the way). I appreciate that all of you are here for me and that you understand where I am coming from."

"You being in love with Quinn is not your fault, like I said. You were in love with her once and that is where you headspace is at. You will move pass it, just like you did before, because you fell in love with your soulmate. Brittany is your soulmate, just as Quinn is mine. I bet that it hurts like hell to see us together. We don't mean to hurt you but I think it good for you to see us as a couple. I think it will help you get over Quinn faster," she says.

I cringe and begrudgingly agree with her. "Yes, it hurts, but you and Quinn are right to do that. Me seeing you guys together, with Holden and Harper, is what I need to see in order to get over Quinn. Santana, you and Quinn have been so wonderful to me, to Britt, and my family. I don't know how to thank you," I say to her, with admiration.

Santana smiles as me as she says, "Well, you just said it! We love you guys. Now, let's get home to our wives, huh?

I smile back at Santana. "Yes, let's go home."