As Heart thought over Dr. Keller's words, the door hissed open to reveal Teyla carrying a tray laden with food. Smiling, she bowed her head in a greeting before walking towards them.
"I saw a nurse preparing your meal and offered to deliver it myself," she told Heart. "How are you feeling?" she asked with a glance at Keller, who stood.
"I feel better," Heart answered, surprised to realize that she did feel better, at least partly, after talking with Dr. Keller. The sight and smell of the food made her suddenly aware of her hunger, however, and she held out her hands to accept the tray.
"No more thoughts of hurting yourself?" Dr. Keller asked and Heart paused, reflecting on what they had discussed. She still felt weak and tired, but her self-loathing had abated somewhat given the wisdom the doctor had shared with her. The absolute certainty that she was doing the right thing when she had leapt from her window no longer seemed right. She finally shook her head and managed a small smile that felt almost genuine.
"Thank you," she murmured; it felt like she might actually have a friend in the doctor, and was grateful that the woman had taken the time to listen to her problems and try to help her sort them out.
"You're very welcome. We can talk more later, if you want. I'm glad that you feel better right now, but it will take time for you to really heal, and if you start to feel bad again, I want you to tell me. For now, though, I want you to eat all of that, and then get some more rest," Dr. Keller ordered with a smile, taking one last look at the monitors next to Heart's bed. "And I'll check on you again in the morning." With a nod at the guards still watching from the room above, she walked out. Heart gave an acknowledging nod to the doctor as she started to eat.
"May I?" Teyla asked, gesturing to the vacant chair, causing Heart to look up as her guards reentered the room and took up their positions on either side of the door again. Wary that she was going to endure another lecture or more questions, Heart slowly nodded. "I was thinking about what you told Todd before," Teyla said, moving around the bed to take the seat left by Todd and Dr. Keller.
"You claimed that you lack the strength to be a Queen-I disagree." She smiled again at Heart's disbelieving look as the young wraith laid down a half-eaten dinner roll. She opened her mouth to argue with the woman but was cut off when Teyla began talking again.
"We met another wraith like you, once. Her name was Ellia. She had been found by a human after the ship she was in crashed on his planet. All the adult wraith had died and she was very young, so he decided to raise her as his own daughter. She, too, hated the need to feed, and wanted nothing more than to be rid of it-to be like her human father. Despite this, she was unable to keep herself from feeding when her hunger became too strong. Unlike her, you were willing to give up your life to save the lives of those you would have fed upon; this is a sign of true strength-to put the needs of others above your own."
"But I couldn't stop myself when…" Heart trailed off, closing her eyes as the dead face of the man she had last fed from came to mind.
"You were near death, starving with a source of nourishment being offered to you. It would be hard for anyone to resist that. She made the choice to actively hunt for her meals when she became…hungry." Heart frowned; it was different but not. She understood that the woman was trying to make her feel better, but she didn't know what Heart had done. Some mistakes couldn't be corrected, and sometimes trying your hardest wasn't enough.
"You still doubt yourself," Teyla said knowingly, interrupting Heart's thoughts.
"You don't know what I've done," Heart muttered, her stomach twisting into knots and she pushed the tray of food away.
"What do you mean?" Teyla asked, and Heart took a slow, deep breath, Ronon's earlier accusation ringing in her ears.
"I am a killer. I wasn't even hungry and I…I…" A sudden lump in her throat made Heart swallow. She looked at the woman sitting next to her, determined to get the words out. "I killed my best friend." Face passive, Teyla remained silent, waiting for Heart to continue. The young wraith looked away, tears filling her eyes.
"Her name was Diera. She and I…we were born the same year. Her mother was a human living on our hive. I was my mother's first, and she didn't want me to be alone, especially since my father was missing, and so she let us be raised together."
"Your friend and her mother, they were…worshippers?" Teyla inquired, a slight bite behind the word. Heart nodded, knowing that worshippers were generally mistrusted and sometimes hated by other humans.
"Diera became my handmaid as we got older, but she was more than that to me. We were like sisters," Heart explained wistfully. "We cared for each other and we told each other everything. I trusted her more than anyone else."
"What happened?" Teyla asked gently, pulling Heart back from her melancholic memories. Heart took a breath; this was the first time she had recalled that day in many months as it had proven easier to bury the memory during her time on the enemy hive.
"It was right before my 16th life day. I was very excited because any day I would feel the urge to feed for the first time, and be closer to being an adult, to taking control of my first hive, of becoming a Queen." Heart's lips twisted into a sad, wry smile as she shook her head at her own naivety.
"I was impatient. I wanted to see if I could feed, even without needing to. I decided to…I talked Diera into letting me try to feed from her, instead of going to the feeding pens. I didn't want anyone else to see if I failed, so we were in our room." Heart paused, looking at Teyla as she struggled to hold in her tears-killers didn't deserve pity.
"I thought that if it worked, I could just give back what I took. I had seen it done before-I didn't even consider that I had no idea how to do it. I…" her voice cut off and she angrily wiped her face.
"You took too much of her life, and then could not give it back to her?" Teyla guessed. Why didn't she sound more accusatory? Heart's mouth curled into a sneer and she glared at the woman. The inner peace she had felt before was gone; replaced again by self-loathing.
"I took all of her life. I didn't expect…it was the most amazing feeling-it was like I could taste her life force, and it was sweeter than anything I ever tasted before. And…and then, it was done." Throat tight, Heart lifted her right hand, turning it over to glare at the feeding organ embedded in her palm. Curling her hand into a shaking fist, she sniffled.
"I tried to bring her back," Heart mumbled, her throat so tight it ached when she inhaled. "But I couldn't. I called for my mother, begging her to help, but…" she shook her head as she recalled her mother's reaction.
"What did she say?" Teyla asked, her voice still irritatingly gentle. Heart gave a small, sneering snort.
"She was proud that I had crossed the threshold from eating to feeding, but disappointed that I had wasted the life of my handmaid." Heart looked at Teyla, unable to stop the tears that finally fell from her eyes. "She refused to bring Diera back, as punishment. She only saw Diera as a…as a pet or a tool-as something that could just be replaced." Heart fell silent. She heard Teyla take a breath.
"I am sorry you experienced that; however, I fail to see how your friend's death, though it came at your hands, makes you irredeemable. You regret what you had done, do you not?"
"Does it matter?" Heart sneered. "I can't make it right! Nothing will bring her back!"
"Some mistakes cannot be undone. That does not mean that you gain nothing from the experience. She is gone, yes, but you can honor her memory by using what you have learned in the future." Heart remained quiet, considering as she wiped her face again. She had already promised to never waste life like that again, and to never feed again if she could help it. Her mother's apathy towards Diera's death had been the catalyst for Heart to go from seeing humans as simpler beings that should serve wraith to seeing them as beings as complex and deserving of life as wraith themselves.
"You have it in you to become a great leader one day," Teyla said, causing Heart to look at her doubtfully. "You have the potential to play a role in ending the war between wraith and human-not just because of your ability to eat, but also because you are destined to be a Queen, and because of your belief in humans as equals." An image appeared in Heart's mind at her words-a scene she had often conjured up throughout her youth: sitting on a throne, tall and proud as she was looked upon by the wraith of her hive.
This time, however, the image changed to show her standing face-to-face with Colonel Carter as equals, both bowing respectfully to the other as a mixture of humans and wraith watched. Could she really be the one who would forge an alliance between wraith and humans? Maybe not all wraith and humans-at least, not at first-but a partnership between her hive and the humans of Atlantis would offer opportunities to both sides. The anger in her quieted once more as Teyla's words sunk in.
"You should eat," Teyla said, pulling Heart from her imaginings. "I made sure to bring you some dessert." She pointed to a cup of a bright blue cubes that sat precariously on top of the rest of her food. "It is called jello. I think you will like it," she added with a smile as she stood.
"Thank you," Heart said, hoping Teyla knew that it was for more than just her thoughtfulness at bringing the young wraith dessert. The woman gave a bow of her head and walked out as Heart slowly began eating again. Though she was hungry, she was preoccupied with what both Teyla and Dr. Keller had told her. They didn't think she was a waste of life, even after revealing her dark secret and her lack of self-confidence. Her father was still interested in her well-being, even though they had just met and she knew she hadn't made the best first impression.
As if on cue, the isolation room door opened again, and Todd reentered. Ignoring the guards he crossed the room, stopping at Heart's bedside. They shared a telepathic greeting as Heart continued to eat. She could sense that he wanted to talk and had to suppress a sigh, knowing this conversation was likely to be as mentally draining as the last two had been.
.*Can we talk after I finish eating?* she asked, earning a surprised look from the elder wraith at having guessed his intentions. He bowed his head.
.*Of course.* Todd moved to the chair and sat as she began to eat a little faster, hoping the food would give her a boost of energy-she was already feeling tired again.
Soon, she had cleared the entire tray besides the cup of jello. Eyeing the brightly colored food dubiously, she scooped up one of the cubes with her spoon, sniffing it as it jiggled in a way she had never seen food move before.
.*What is that?* Todd asked in disgust. Heart spared him a glance before looking back at her spoon, carefully picking up the small cube with her free hand.
.*Teyla called it 'jello'. She said it is a dessert.* Her own mental tone sounded uncertain as she rolled the food between her fingers. Gingerly, she took a tiny bite. Her eyes widened and she unconsciously smiled at the burst of sweet flavor; she put the rest of the cube in her mouth and slowly chewed, savoring it. *It tastes like a fruit!* Sooner than she would have liked, the jello cup was empty. She had rarely eaten for pleasure before, as the food available on a hive was prepared to provide proper nutrition and not exceptional flavor. The rare times fresh fruit had been brought aboard as a treat for her and their human worshippers had been savored. Unconsciously smiling at the bittersweet memory, she looked up at see Todd watching her with an inscrutable expression.
.*I need to apologize for what I said earlier* Todd began, surprising Heart. *You have been through so much, but you are still very young. You have much to learn and you cannot be expected to know how to act as a queen. I fear that without your mother, you will have to grow quickly.* He leaned forward and took Heart's hand between his own, eyes locked on hers. *I would be honored to stand behind you as penance for my absence. I would act as your advisor and offer guidance until you are ready to lead on your own.*
.*But you just met me-and after what I said to you…Why would you swear yourself to me?* Heart asked, uncomfortable with the display. Todd looked at her closely and slowly sat back, releasing her hand as his head tilted forward.
.*Your words were harsh, but driven by emotion; I apologize for putting you in that position. I should have taken more care when I shared my memory with you.* The elder wraith looked back up, and his next words were quiet in Heart's mind. *I would have done anything for your mother. I served many Queens during my years, but she was the first that I truly…* he trailed off, staring past the young wraith, then slowly shook his head. *But you…when I first thought you might still be alive, I didn't know what to feel. I had to meet you, to know for sure, and when I did…* his eyes locked onto hers, and she was surprised at how intense his gaze was. *All I want to do is protect you, and teach you, as I should have done your whole life.*
.*What about the Queen on your hive?* Heart asked quietly. She felt a small shiver move up her spine at his words, but she knew he had to answer to his current Queen, and unrelated females were rarely tolerated. Todd scoffed quietly.
.*The hive follows me. Our Queen was killed in battle weeks ago, and I…stepped in to lead. Despite your age, they will be happy to have a Queen to serve again; and I will ensure their compliance as you settle into your role.* Heart wasn't sure how to feel. On the one hand, she would be expected to act as the leader of a hive full of wraith who would look to her for answers and instruction when she felt so inexperienced and unworthy; on the other, she once again had someone who wanted to take care of her-to guide her and help her learn what she needed to know. There was also the matter of her beliefs; she was almost afraid of how the other wraith would react when they found out…
.*What did you and Dr. Keller discuss?* Todd asked, disrupting her thoughts. The woman's name rang with disdain in Heart's mind. She shrugged self-consciously, putting her tray to the side.
.*She wanted to know how I feel, and make sure I wouldn't try to…hurt myself again* she admitted quietly. *She is very kind* she added, almost as an afterthought. Todd snorted.
.*A weakness of humans* he sniffed dismissively. Heart's eyes darted to his face.
.*Why does caring about how I feel make her weak?* she asked in confusion.
.*Kindness can be exploited by your enemies.* Heart shook her head, brow furrowed. Was this another aspect of human behavior she didn't understand, or just something that wraith refused to allow themselves to feel? She had treated Diera kindly-at least, she believed she had.
.*Why would they put Dr. Keller in a position of power if she has such a weakness?* Heart asked, recalling how the nurses in the infirmary followed her orders, and her influence with Colonels Carter and Sheppard.
.*Because humans are weak* Todd growled, clearly irritated with her line of questioning. Heart's eyes narrowed, getting frustrated at his stubbornness
.*But if humans are so weak, why are the Lanteans such a threat? They have destroyed whole hive ships!* Todd sighed, the noise loud enough to be audible as his nostrils flared with the action.
.*The Lanteans are using technology that is not their own. They are an adaptable people, yes, but without Atlantis, they are no stronger than any other human world in this galaxy.* Heart leaned back, unconvinced by his argument. Her next thought was soft in Todd's mind.
.*Was my mother weak for caring about me? Are you?* Todd paused, his irritation melting as he considered. Heart didn't allow him a chance to respond. *Didn't you say that you thought of us every day when you were held by those humans? Couldn't it have been your desire to see us again that gave you the strength to endure until your escape?*
.*My anger gave me strength. I refused to break so that I could one day take my revenge against the Genii for daring to hold me.* Heart was quiet for a moment, taking in his response.
.*So, you lied before?* she finally asked sadly. *When you said you thought of us and how you wanted to return? You only thought of anger and revenge against those humans? Is your desire to protect me only because you want a Queen you can control?* Heart couldn't stop the stab of hurt that ran through their mental link, and she looked away. She felt grief emanate from him, but she refused to look up as her eyes and throat burned with those damned tears.
.*I want to protect you because you're my daughter; we are blood.* Todd's tone was soft, then he sighed and added slowly. *You argue as fiercely as your mother did; she always knew how to tear apart my words.* He let out another sigh, this one quieter than before. *Rest. We can continue this tomorrow.* Heart still felt hurt, but with the weariness in her body combined with a full stomach, sleep sounded very appealing. She decided not to continue the quarrel with him and pulled her blanket up around her as she laid back, finally swallowing back the lump in her throat.
.*Have there ever been any other wraith like me?* Heart asked softly, the question coming out before she could stop it. Todd's head tilted slightly as he stood to adjust her bed so she was lying flat, not sure what she was referring to exactly. *Who believe as I do?* The elder wraith was quiet for a moment, and she wondered if he was going to refuse to answer.
.*Yes* he finally admitted. *There have been others who wanted to find a more…equal relationship with humans. They, however, did not have a choice when it came to feeding. They either came to terms with the necessity to kill humans to survive, or they died.* His tone remained neutral as he watched Heart's reaction. She remained silent, giving a slow nod as she frowned in thought.
.*Rest* Todd urged as he sat back down. Despite the callousness of his earlier words, his tone now was gentle and almost soothing, and he looked thoughtful. Hope bloomed within the young wraith that maybe he hadn't dismissed her arguments so lightly. She closed her eyes, finally giving in to drowsiness.
