My thanks to StatsGrandma57, MrsScruffyNerfherder, MultiFandomGirl1424, freshman11, Book girl fan, and EsmeAmelia for your continued support. This chapter was hard to write. I'm trying to ease this story back to canon, which is proving difficult. Let me know what you think! And, as always, thanks to my son for beta-reading.


Leia sat alone in the private conference room of the med lab, waiting for either Luke or Chewie to return and fill her in on Han's condition. Han still refused to see her. And what was worse, his psychiatrist - my psychiatrist too, the traitor, she thought angrily - had agreed that their continued separation was a good idea.

She thought back to when the Twi'lek had emerged from Han's room earlier that night, head bowed, brain-tails drooping, appearing both fatigued and relieved. "He's moved through the worst part of the memory," she had told the two worried humans and one impatient Wookiee waiting in the hall. "He needs rest now. I've requested that someone remain with him at all times for the next standard day - "

"A suicide watch?" Leia had interrupted, cold fear gripping her heart. This can't be happening, she remembered thinking, not to Han. He's too strong for that. Or is he?

Dr. Askara had given her a sad smile. "His childhood memories are returning, and with them, the feelings of helplessness and anger that he suppressed as a child. He needs the support of his friends right now." Luke and Chewie had nodded and moved toward Han's room, but Dr. Askara had blocked Leia's path. "I'm sorry, Princess. Captain Solo knows that you are here to see him and he is grateful for your support. However, he does not wish to see you."

Leia's mind had gone blank, as if someone had erased every stray thought from her head with a vicious slap. When she came back to herself, it was with a cold feeling of dread. She had a hard time remembering anything the woman had said after that.

What did I do to deserve this? she wondered now. It's not my fault that I dreamt of his dead mother! He's connected to me too, or I wouldn't have felt his pain. And yet, now that she had shared his fear and loneliness, Han had severed their connection. Shivering alone in the empty conference room, she felt the aching loss of him deeply. Before, when he was merely angry, he had simply avoided her. Now, it felt as though he had erected a wall around his heart. Or maybe, she thought sadly, a wall around mine.

In the silence of waiting, Leia fought waves of panic and tried to focus on her breathing. What's going on in there? She ached to touch him, to reassure herself that he was real, that he hadn't gone anywhere. She hadn't realized the depth of her feelings toward the space pirate until he had pushed her away.

Am I simply toxic to everything and everyone I care about? The devastating pain of losing Alderaan - her childhood friends, her father, her homeland - blended with the crushing loss of losing Han just as she was beginning to discover him. It's not fair.

And yet, Dr. Askara had sided with Han. "I agree with Captain Solo that he should limit his time with you until he feels he is ready," she had said.

What does that mean? Leia pondered. Ready for what? So Han gets to set the terms of our relationship and I get ... nothing? She paused to collect her thoughts. Wait a minute. What am I saying? Our relationship? Do we even have a relationship? Maybe I've just been deluding myself ...

The door to the conference room burst open, scattering Leia's thoughts, and Luke stumbled in, looking haggard. Leia barely managed to ask how Han was before the young blond started to cry.

"He's ..." Luke sniffed, trying unsuccessfully to compose himself. "I don't know, Leia! It's like he's lying there but he's broken into a million pieces and I can't stop feeling his pain and it hurts," Luke's voice broke. "It hurts so much!" He dropped into Leia's arms, sobbing, and she wrapped her arms around him, trying to console him as if he were a small boy.

"It's okay, Luke, it's okay," she whispered into his shaggy blond hair. "Remember to breathe. You did what you could." Thinking of Han, alone in his hospital bed, unable to express the anguish that Luke so easily shed for him, Leia pushed the young man back gently and asked, "Chewie's with him now, right?" Luke nodded. "Okay," she said. "You need to get some sleep. You have to take care of yourself to be able to help him." And Luke had looked at her, adoringly, and Leia knew that at least she had the ability to bring comfort to someone.


The next few days brought unending anguish for Leia. She had to endure base whispers about her relationship with Han at the same time that she dealt with the loss of his presence in her life. Luke was kind enough to seek her out several times a day to reassure her that Han really was doing better. After the pain of that first night, Luke arrived without tears. But receiving updates through Luke was nowhere near the same as seeing Han for herself. She wanted to sneak into the med lab and peek into his room, but she was a princess of Alderaan for gods sake, and she knew that kind of pathetic, lovelorn behavior was beneath her. If Han Solo didn't want to see her, fine, she didn't want to see him either. She tried so hard to make herself believe the lie.


"Leia?"

The princess was startled awake by a knock on the door to her quarters. Her heart spasmed wildly at the sound of his voice. "Han?" She jumped up from her afternoon nap and rushed to the door to release the lock.

He stood on the other side of the door frame, dressed in his usual spacer's attire, appearing hale and hearty, although a bit thin. He gave her a crooked smile. "They finally sprang me from jail," he joked, looking down at her.

She only stared at him, a hand to her mouth, tears leaking out of her eyes.

"Hey," he said. "It's me. I'm fine." But he didn't come forward to console her, didn't wrap his arms around her back, didn't kiss the top of her head. Leia swallowed, hard.

She swiped a sleeve across her eyes and wrapped her arms around her waist. When she spoke, the ice princess was back in control. "I'm glad you're feeling better, Captain."

"Yeah, well," he said, and it was in that hesitation that she picked up on his discomfort. "We need to talk."

"Do you wish to converse here or aboard the Falcon?" Leia was aware that her speech was overly formal, but she had no idea how else to contain her feelings. She longed to reach out and grab him and cling to him and cry out and feel ... something. Instead, she bundled herself up in her princess persona, feeling cold and dead inside.

"Here is fine, if you don't mind." He stepped just inside her quarters and leaned against the door frame, arms folded. She resealed the door and waited.

Here it comes, she thought. He's going to leave. He's done with me, the Rebel Alliance, everything.

"You and me, uh, we've been through a lot together recently, and ..." Han Solo ran a hand through his hair. He appeared flustered, and Leia knew that he was a man who rarely, if ever, showed his discomfort. Either he wasn't as recovered as he thought, or this conversation was very hard for him. She touched his arm and he pulled it back. "I want you to know that I appreciate everything you did for me when I was in the med lab. The doctors finally found a combination of medicines that work to prevent my migraines and, uh, talking to that tailhead about my mother is helping some, too." He met her eyes briefly and she read his unspoken apology.

She tried to search his eyes further, but he dropped his gaze and refused to look at her. "But?" she whispered.

"I ... I care for you a lot as a friend, Leia," he started, staring at the floor. "But I don't think we should see each other right - "

"How dare you?" she hissed, and his head snapped up in surprise. "How dare you do this to me! I opened myself up to you and this is what I get in return?"

"I opened myself up to you and I landed in the psych ward of the med lab!" he thundered in reply. "Don't you go telling me how hard this is for you, your high-and-mightiness! You have no idea what I went though or how hard it was for me to get back here."

"Only because you shut me out!" She choked over the words. "You wouldn't let me be there for you." And then she was crying, anguished tears of pain and loss. He moved awkwardly toward her, but she held up a hand. "Don't. Don't comfort me because you feel obligated." She raised tear-filled eyes to him. "I'm not your obligation any more!" She threw herself on the bed then, sobbing. In the back of her mind, she could hear her father's voice, telling her this was not how a princess should behave. It only made her cry harder.

She felt Han sit next to her on the bed. "Hey," he said, rubbing her shoulder. She could feel the tension in his touch, radiating from his fingers. He didn't want to be here, she was sure of it. He was afraid of her, afraid of what loving her might do to him.

Leia pulled herself into a ball and glared at him. "You want to know what it feels like to care about someone in pain and have them shut you out? Fine. Get out!" She pointed at the door. "I don't want you here."

"Leia," he tried.

"Get out, Han," she said, though sobs. "I meant what I said. I don't want you here." Not if you don't want to be here.

As he left her room, her cries of anguish only intensified. Gods, Han, I miss you so much.