My apologies for taking so long to update. I wanted to bring this story back around to the beginning of The Empire Strikes Back, but it has proven a challenge. I went back and listened to the audio drama about Ord Mantell for inspiration, and some of this chapter is loosely (very loosely) based on that recording.
My sincere thanks to my son and 2Old4This2 for beta-reading. I also appreciate the comments from StatsGrandma57, Freshman11, violetkitty, 2Old4This2, MultiFandomGirl1424, Book girl fan, and EsmeAmelia.
Freshman11: By mentioning canon, I meant that I am trying to put this story back in line with ESB. I let Han and Leia get very emotionally close in this story, closer even than I had realized, and it's been hard to push them back apart.
EsmeAmelia: You make some good points here. I am hoping to slip more in about Han's recovery as we go, but he's been pretty closed-mouthed at this point. Maybe I should have done a chapter from someone else's POV, but I gave myself the challenge to stick with Leia and try to tell the whole story. We shall see ... As for Leia over-reacting, I figure she's been pretty sheltered with regard to her suitors and has never really been in love before. Not that she realizes that she's in love even now ...
Leia lifted her head from the tear-soaked pillow and wiped her eyes. I've made such a fool of myself, she whispered into the darkness of her quarters.
Reluctantly, Leia admitted to herself that Dr. Askara had been right. The base psychiatrist had warned Leia that her heart was fragile right now, that it was too soon after the loss of Alderaan for her to seriously consider a relationship with anyone. Yet Han had made her feel alive again and the emotional closeness had seemed to be worth the risk. Only now, when her tears over Han had quickly morphed into sobs over the loss of her family, her friends, and her home planet, did Leia doubt her decision.
He's not worth it, she concluded. Han Solo is too shallow and vain to be worth my heart. He only thinks of himself. He flirts with everyone on this base. I was just stupid enough to fall for it.
But she couldn't stop herself from recalling the tender way that Han had held her when she cried in his arms at the med lab, the open vulnerability he had shown her aboard the Falcon, or the way he had stood up for her honor to General Rieekan. Her heart vigorously defended the smuggler: he'd been ill, he was scared, he was going through something horrible and painful with his recently recalled memories of his mother's death.
Give him some space, her heart whispered, he'll be back, you know how much he cares for you, he's just going through a lot right now.
But her head refused to listen. She set her heart aside and let her emotions harden like the ice walls of her quarters on Hoth. Han Solo had made it clear to her that he just wanted to be friends, if even that. Leia Organa wouldn't be taken for a fool. He's a coward, she told herself. When things get complicated, he runs like a child. She cast every past interaction with Han through a lens of hurt and anger; he came up short every time.
Hours later, there was a knock on her door. Her heart fluttered at the thought of Han standing on the other side before she cursed herself for her weakness. She reminded herself that Han Solo was unreliable and a scoundrel. Images of her father instructing her on the dignified way a princess should behave flooded her mind.
At the sound of another knock, she drew in a deep breath, set her face like durasteel, and reluctantly made her way over to the entry. She released the lock and the door hissed open.
"Luke!" Leia hadn't expected to see the farm boy on the other side. "What are you doing here?"
The young man shook his shaggy mane of blond hair. "I'm worried about Han."
Leia's eyes narrowed. "I'm sure that Captain Solo is just fine."
Luke looked through his bangs at her, blue eyes pleading. "He's not okay."
Frowning, she admitted Luke into her quarters. "What's wrong?"
He shrugged. "I don't know. I went to talk to him tonight and he was so distant." Luke looked at her with earnest eyes. "Look, I know that Han can be cold sometimes, but this was different." He struggled to find the right words. "It's like his spirit has been ground down."
Heart pounding, Leia asked, "Did he say anything?"
Luke shook his head. "I'm worried that he's not feeling well and he's afraid to admit it. The doctors warned him that the new meds he's taking could have side effects."
This was something Leia hadn't considered. Han had shut her out since his diagnosis of post-traumatic stress disorder. She knew little of his current medical status and she hadn't felt comfortable asking. Too many people would ask why she wanted to know.
And Han doesn't want me to know, she reminded herself, a thought that quickly devolved into Han doesn't want me.
"I thought maybe you could try talking to him," Luke said.
For Luke's sake, Leia considered this for a moment before shaking her head. The wound was fresh and far too deep. "Luke, that's ... that's not a good idea." Han rejected me! "Captain Solo and I are ... er ..."
"You had another fight, didn't you? Well, that would explain why Han was acting so strangely. He was talking about leaving again." Luke stared sadly at his boots.
Leia felt dizzy. Leaving? Gods, he really is a coward!
"But General Rieekan stopped to talk with us and he convinced Han to take on another mission before he goes."
Leia set her conflicted feelings aside. "What sort of mission?"
"Rebel intelligence located a freighter from the Leilani Shipping Company on Ord Mantell. It used to be a Rebel ship. They're hoping we can steal it back. We need the supplies."
She grasped the wall for support. No, it couldn't be ...
"Leia, are you all right?"
"That was my father's ship."
General Rieekan didn't seem all that pleased to find Leia and Luke at the door of his quarters; it was late enough that he stood before them in his pajamas. But when Leia explained her reason for coming, the man broke into a rare grin.
"I had no idea that your father had invested in a shipping company! Are you saying there may still be credits stored aboard that ship?"
Leia nodded. "My father kept a stash of emergency funds in a secret safe aboard every vessel in the fleet." She swallowed hard. "Of course, most of the vessels were docked on Alderaan."
"And you have the key to this safe?"
Leia held up her hand. "It uses palm print recognition. Only an Organa family member can open that safe. And I have the override codes needed to steal the ship. The override codes use a combination of numbers and voice recognition. You need either the override codes or the main pass key to take control of the ship. The Imperials must have the pass key."
"I appreciate this information, Princess. Please set up a briefing for tomorrow morning at 0800 standard hours for all interested parties. That would include you, Mon, Luke, Captain Solo, and myself. Your team will depart soon after."
"Of course, General."
After the door of Rieekan's quarters slid shut, Leia turned to Luke. "Please tell Mon Mothma about the meeting." She steeled her gaze. "I shall personally give the message to Captain Solo."
Luke picked up on her discomfort, which wasn't hard because it was radiating off of her in waves. He gently touched her arm. "I can take care of that, Leia."
She shook her head. "I need to do this, Luke. For the sake of the mission." She laughed, an awkward, forced sound. "Captain Solo and I need to reach an agreement."
Luke cocked his head at her, looking not unlike a lost nerf. "If you say so, Leia," he agreed uneasily. "See you in the morning."
Leia turned the opposite way and headed for the Millennium Falcon.
Princess Leia stood before Captain Solo's ship, her stomach in knots. She did not want to see this man, the one who always stirred up such a violent storm of her emotions. I have to do this, she told herself. For the sake of the Rebellion. She knocked loudly on the hull.
When the entry ramp dropped, Leia and Han locked eyes. She read pain and confusion there before he covered his vulnerabilities with a smug veneer of bravado.
"Your Highnessness," he drawled. "That didn't take long. Decided you can't live without me?"
She fought an urge to slug him as she ascended the ramp. "I am here in an official capacity only, Captain Solo." When they stood face to chest, she lifted her head and studied him through narrowed eyes. "I need to ascertain your fitness for service."
Han crossed his arms and glared down at her. "I'd have been cleared for service a hells of a lot sooner if you'd just kept your mouth shut."
She didn't rise to the bait. "You needed medical treatment, Captain. I ensured that you received it." Leia sighed and shook her head. "I didn't come here to argue with you, Han. I need to know how you're feeling. We can't work together if we aren't on speaking terms." She lowered her inner barriers just enough to give him an earnest look.
He dropped his arms but not the frown. "I'm fine, Leia."
"Luke mentioned that there might be side effects from the medication you're on."
"Luke needs to learn to keep his mouth shut." Leia waited and watched as Han shifted his weight uneasily from foot to foot. He recrossed his arms and looked out of the open ramp across the large hangar before catching her eye. "I haven't been sleeping well," he admitted. His face hardened once the words had left his mouth. "It won't affect the mission."
She took a step toward him, momentarily forgetting her own pain and her vow to keep her distance. "Your mother?" she asked gently.
He gave a curt nod. His body posture remained fiercely guarded, but Leia watched a flicker of pain cross his eyes. She knew then that no matter how cold she might act toward him on the outside, she could never banish him completely from her heart. She cared deeply for him and it was clear to her that he was hurting.
"I'm sorry," she whispered. "I know how hard it is."
Han didn't say anything. Leia waited for a long moment, but Han remained closed to her. She felt her own resolve to shut him out reassert itself. Her mind insisted that she was foolish to think he'd return to their previous level of emotional intimacy.
When it comes to matters of the heart, Han Solo is a weakling and a coward, she told herself. It was the only way she could keep from breaking down.
"Well," she said stiffly, "I trust that you'll be ready for our mission tomorrow."
His eyes widened. "You're coming?"
She frowned at his discomfort and couldn't resist a dig. "I can't live without you, remember?" she said drily. As his eyes widened further, she slugged him on the arm. "It's my family's ship, nerfherder. You need me to get aboard." At his surprised look, she added, "There's a briefing at 0800 tomorrow. Be there." And then she walked down the ramp of the Millennium Falcon, all the while wishing she could run back up and hold him.
