It was mid-afternoon when Thorin and Fili returned, Thorin leading his nephew forward with a gentle hand on his shoulder. Fili felt him give his shoulder a soft squeeze, he gave him a sideways glance, thankful for his strong presence, glad that he was not walking in alone. He was also grateful - and relieved - that no words were said about his abrupt exit, which had left him feeling rather ashamed. As the pair re-joined the company, pulling themselves onto the tall benches, it became clear to the others that Fili's hostility towards his uncle had disappeared. He sat quite close to him and Thorin's hand remained on his shoulder for some time. There was an inviting scent in the air, which obscured that of the animals which shared Beorn's home. Whilst Thorin and Fili had been outside, the Skinchanger had been quietly preparing soup, made from potatoes, carrots, turnips, and some fine smelling herbs, which now sat bubbling on the stove.
"Would you like some broth, lads?" Balin asked. "We waited for you so that we could eat together." Fili felt everyone's eyes fall upon him. He shifted uncomfortably and although he wasn't particularly hungry he nodded, smiling when the bowl was placed before him.
"Thank you, Balin." He said quietly. Balin smiled warmly. For some moments he simply stared at the soup before him, he could hear the others noisily slurping their own portions. As he breathed in the warm scent, Fili's stomach gave a quiet grumble. He hadn't noticed how hungry he had been. Well, he supposed, he'd barely eaten in the last few days, his appetite had completely left him. But sat at Beorn's table, it finally returned to him and he too began to slurp down the soup.
Thorin watched him with a satisfied grin, glad to see his nephew eating without needing to be persuaded. Fili needed something nourishing to eat, he'd gone to look very pale. Thorin could see the dark circles beneath his eyes, more obvious in the afternoon light. Perhaps he would sleep easier that night too. For a moment, Thorin felt hopeful that his words would resonate with his nephew, but he knew how it felt to lose a younger brother. And he knew that the feelings of failure and guilt didn't just go away with a few comforting words. Especially when brothers had a bond as close and as strong as Fili and Kili had. Had. Thorin sighed. Was, did, used to. Those were the words he would use from now on. Whenever he talked about Kili, those would be the words he would use. Kili was in the past now, memories were all they had. Thorin placed his spoon down in the bowl. He had an idea.
"I remember," he began, "when I lost my brother." Fili stared at him, brows creased. "I remember how it felt, but Balin suggested something that helped me feel better. Do you recall, Balin, what you suggested?" The elder dwarf thought for a moment, eyes narrowing pensively.
"Aye, lad. I do." He nodded after a little while. "I thought that telling stories about you brother may help."
"And it did." Thorin pushed his bowl of lukewarm broth away and crossed his arms on the table. He gave his Fili a kind smile. "Perhaps it will help you." But Fili shook his head.
"I…I don't really," the blonde prince sighed sadly, "I just…" He looked down at hands which were laced together in his lap, "can't."
"Then perhaps you can listen." Balin said from across the table, "we know what comes into your mind when you think of him. You think about what happened to him." A darkness fell upon Fili's face. "We will all have a story to tell, I'm sure, so perhaps maybe you will think of something else. Something … happier." Fili's eyes flicked up and he looked at each person in turn. All his friends smiled warmly at him. He nodded slowly.
"Good." Thorin smiled. "Balin?" Balin's mouth was a thin line, he brushed a hand through his white beard.
"Well." he began, a smile finding its way onto his lips, "I suppose the memory that has stayed with me the most would be the first. The day Kili was born. I remember it very well." Balin relaxed into his seat, leaning his elbows onto the table. A thoughtful look came onto his face. "It was at night and a vicious storm was raging outside, as it had been for a long time. It was the middle of one of the worst winters I can recall, Gales and blizzards had battered Ered Luin for weeks, houses had been destroyed, trees had been uprooted and many people had perished in the bitter cold. It was not the condition for a baby to be born, especially one so early. And he was worryingly early. I remember Dis had been distraught, she was so afraid that she'd loose him, we all were. And at first, we thought our fears had come true. There was no crying, no movement at all, it seemed the lad hadn't made it. But then, Fili kissed his forehead and barely a minute later he cried out "look! He has brown eyes like Papa!" And sure enough, little Kili was looking up at him. He was alive! Oh, but he was so small, you could hold him quite comfortably in the palms of your hands and we weren't sure how long he would live. We were doubtful if he'd even make it to the morning. Everyone was tense that night, watching over him vigilantly until the sun began to rise. But there was no time for relief as there were many moments over the passing days where we were almost ready to give up, he never cried, barely fed, and was battling a terrible fever. But slowly, and despite our doubts, he got stronger and stronger. At the end of the third week we knew, we knew that he'd be alright." Balin smiled widely, old eyes glistening. "He was a fighter from the start!"
"Aye, you are not wrong there brother." Dwalin laughed, shaking his head. "Nothing was going to stop that boy! Not even when he was locked in his room with a fever. I remember, he must have been twelve and I had just started teaching Fili how to use swords. Kili had been adamant that, while he was too young to learn himself, that he would come and watch his brother train. But one day Kili had a fever, and was told that he was to stay home. That was a task in itself. It had taken me and Thorin almost the entire morning to even catch the boy, he had climbed on top of the tables and clung to doorposts, he was so quick that he could dodge us every time we tried to grab him." He pointed a finger at Fili, "you weren't much help either, you just stood there laughing." Fili raised his eyebrows and shrugged. "In the end we had to trick him and say that he could come, but he had to get his warm boots from his room first. The moment he went to fetch them, we locked the door behind him. I had never, in all my days, heard a boy as little as Kili shout so loudly. You wouldn't be able to tell that he had been so ill the day before he could barely stand!" Dwalin leaned his elbows on the table and took a sip of the milk. "Nevertheless, I took Fili for training and no more than an hour later, who should show up but Kili? He told us that Thorin had got fed up of his shouting at let him out." Beside him, Thorin shook his head and chuckled.
"Not true." He said.
"Indeed. In fact, Thorin had no idea Kili had even left his bedroom, let alone left the house. The lad had climbed out of the window!"
"Always could pull the wool over our eyes, that one." Thorin's eyes sparkled warmly, a sincere and gentle spread across his face. "Forever tricking us. Although, never to be mean. In fact, he had a kind heart beneath his mischievous disguise. I remember when he was sixteen, it was my birthday and I was away at the forge. Fili was training with Dwalin and Dis had gone to the market. He had told his mother that he had a headache so that he could stay at home. This, of course, was a lie. It was just gone midday when Vorin, the baker's son, came running up to me, panting and flustered. He told me that he'd seen smoke coming from the house. Of course, I ran straight there. I found Dis was already there, with a very guilty Kili hiding behind her. He'd tried to bake me an apple pie for my birthday. By himself." Thorin laughed, the others around the table chuckled. "The pie was … not a pie. It was more like a lump of coal, completely charred and crumbling away the moment you touched it. Kili had burnt his fingers and singed the ends of his hair, his face was black with smoke and he'd burnt away half the kitchen. At first I was angry, but then he looked at me with those damn big, brown eyes and said, 'I'm sorry, uncle. I wanted to do something special for your birthday.' And I couldn't possibly be mad anymore. Even so, we didn't let him in the kitchen alone for about a year." Thorin sighed, "He had a way of getting out of trouble, by just giving you that one look."
"I remember that look." Bofur said from across the table. The hatted dwarf had his hands folded on the table. "I saw it many times myself. This one time when he was still a lad, I had been busy in the shop and Kili came in, looking rather sheepish, I might add. I remember watching him creep in, close the door quietly behind him and peer over the top of the window-sill. He almost jumped out of his skin when I came up behind him and asked who he was hiding from. He told me that he was hiding from his uncle Thorin, he said he was talking to someone about something really boring and was afraid he'd fall asleep in the middle of the market, so he'd snuck away. Of course, I was about to send him back, not supposing Thorin would be best pleased. But then he gave me that look. And I let him stay, so long as he helped me paint some of the toys me and Bifur had made. I must say, he was rather good at it, he had a very steady hand. Even if he did get a lot of the paint on himself. It must have been about an hour or two before Thorin burst through the door, I'd never seen him looking so panicked. 'Bofur! Have you seen Kili?'" Bofur laughed as he imitated Thorin as best he could. It was a rather good likeness, Fili thought. "'I've looked everywhere for him!' I almost didn't tell him, but in the end, and not wanting to be on the receiving end of his rage when he found out I'd lied, I called Kili out from the back room. His face covered in blue and red and green paint, I honestly think he'd been painting himself as much as the toys. The look on their faces when they saw each other! Kili looked so guilty and Thorin went from relief to anger in the blink of an eye. He wasn't angry for long, not after Kili gave him the look."
"To be quite honest, Bofur. I was just glad I wouldn't have to face my sister and tell her that I'd lost her son."
"Ah," Bofur nodded, "I would not have wanted to be you if that had been the case. I was thankful for Kili's help that day, however, he'd done a very good job. He had a knack for painting the figurines. I let him keep one of them, it was a knight I believe."
"A knight with a red helmet riding a grey horse." Fili added. "He still has it … had it. It's on a shelf in our room. I asked him why he still had it, told him he was too old for toys, but he said "it was a gift from a friend, you should never get rid of a gift." At this, a very wide grin spread across Bofur's face, he seemed quite touched by it. His eyes lowered, to hide the tears that were forming in the corners of his eyes.
Bilbo sat quietly, listening intently at the stories being told, with his fingers laced together on the table. Balin was right, everyone did seem to have a story to share about Kili and they shared them with sincere smiles and heartfelt words. Ori told about the time when three boys had snatched his book and were taunting him by throwing it above his head to one another, Kili had come along and threatened to hit them unless they gave it back, they'd laughed at him but soon stopped when he kicked one of them in the chins and punched another in the nose. He'd tackled the third to the ground, grabbed the book and kicked him in the gut. Oin recalled the number of times he had to set Kili's broken arm or leg, or stitch up a wound after the boy fell from a tree or tumbled down a hill. Barely a week went by without the old healer being called to the home of the Durins to see to the youngest. "I used up more of my stocks on that little rascal than on anybody else," Oin had chuckled. Gloin told the company about the time Kili rescued his son, Gimli, who had been thirteen at the time, from a river. The boys had been skimming stones when Gimli lost his balance and fell into the water. Kili, without a moment's hesitation jumped in after him and pulled him out.
Finally it was only Fili left to share a story, and at first Bilbo wondered if he'd even find the words. There was a silence in the house for many moments, Fili rubbed a hand across his face before scratching at the wooden table slightly.
"I don't think I can choose my favourite or my happiest memory of Kili." He said quietly, "because every day I was with him I made a new one. But when I think of him I think of him as my little brother, five years isn't much of a difference, but to me it was enough. I think of the little brother who hated thunderstorms and would beg me to make shadow-puppets until he forgot about it, the little brother who could never be found during a game of hide-and-seek, who never let anyone braid his hair, and who was adamant that he would learn to use a bow, no matter what people said. And he became the best archer I'd ever met." Fili paused and sighed. "I think if Kili hadn't been in my life, it would be a rather boring existence to recall. He made every single one of my days a day to remember, he made them happy and exciting. He was so enthusiastic and adventurous, he was forever dragging me explore one thing or another. The woods were his favourite place to go, he seemed to find peace there." Fili smiled. Everyone was watching him as he talked, every word full of emotion. "He wasn't just my brother, he was my best friend and I am just so grateful that he was mine. I have been lucky." He looked at everyone in turn, "Thank you all for your kind words, it is good to know that he was so loved."
"And he was," Thorin said warmly, placing a hand on his shoulder. "By all who met him." Thorin turned to the company, a thoughtful look upon his face. "My friends," he said, "from the moment we leave this house, we continue on our quest, not for wealth or glory, but for him." He reached forward and took hold of the wooden tankard in front of him, still half full from that morning's milk, and raised it into the air. "For Kili!" Not even a second past before twelve other tankards were also being held aloft.
"For Kili!" The others exclaimed in unison. Fili felt his chest tighten at the sight before him, before he too held up his own tankard.
"For Kili."
That night as Fili settled down to sleep, the hurt in his heart had been replaced with a warm feeling in his gut. That night, as he recalled the stories his friends had shared, his mind felt at peace. The company had all spoken such kind words about his brother, none of their memories had been negative. It seemed that Kili had done something to make them all smile, something he had always believed was important - he wanted everyone to be smiling. He may not have led a very long life, but the life he had led had brought happiness to others. Fili's brother had been strong and curious, he was thoughtful and kind. Fili's mother always said that everyone had one thing that made them who they were, one attribute which guided them through life. Kili's had been his cheerfulness, and this had been his gift to others. And that made Fili feel proud. Proud of the boy who believed that happiness was a choice. There hadn't been a bad bone in his body, and that reflected in the company's stories. Fili was proud to have had such a brother.
That night, as he fell asleep, head resting on Thorin's shoulder, one of his uncle's arms wrapped around him, he fell asleep not with images of the death he couldn't comfort his brother through, but with the memory of Kili's smile which everyone shared.
-AN-
It seems Fili is feeling a little better here … I wonder how long it will last.
I had originally intended to make the memories longer but oh my days it was like seven pages, so I cut them down, hopefully they're still nice to read. I know it may seem a little rushed but I've been rather busy and haven't had much time.
Unfortionatly I have some exams coming up (sad face,) and comparing second year at uni actually counts towards your degree, I figures I should start studying … especially when my first one is on the 13th. So until the 23rdI won't be able to work on the next chapter, but as soon as my exams are done I'll get right back to work JSo until then, here is another happier chapter to keep you going.
Thanks for all your reviews! They're so awesome!
I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas and New Year! Happy 2015, I hope it's awesome for you!
