XVI. Happy
-—All Gluttony needs is Lust.
Gluttony's never really understood what's going on around him.
Pride is terrifying, and Greed is long gone; Envy is cruel, and Sloth is rarely around. (And Father has been talking recently of creating his last sin—Wrath. He isn't sure what kind of brother this will be, but…)
The only person he feels comfortable around is Lust. She is kind and patient and never raises her voice toward him; if he doesn't understand something, doesn't know what Father is trying to do or what their latest mission is supposed to accomplish, she always repeats it to him in simpler terms, so he can understand.
Even if Pride rolls his eyes and grits his teeth, and Envy roars in frustration and stalks off, he doesn't care…because he doesn't like them, doesn't like what they do and how they act. All that matters to him is Lust, and as long as she is here, he doesn't care what else is happening around him.
(He's never been sent on reconnaissance missions, where he has to interact with the humans in the world above…because he doesn't even understand how he and his brothers think, so how is he supposed to act like an entirely different species? But he goes with Lust whenever she is required on a mission, hides in the shadows and eats the evidence—he's always so hungry—and he watches and tries to learn.)
Because the humans are fascinating to him. He doesn't understand what they are, really; they're not like him and Lust and Father, but they look like Homunculi, and they eat just like he does and sleep just like Sloth. But they eat, and then they are not hungry; they sleep, and then they are not tired. How is that possible? He wants so desperately to know.
But his Father has given him strict orders not to interact with the humans; he looks different, acts different, and this will surely put their plans into danger. Gluttony isn't sure why—because he's sure he's heard his brothers and his Father call the humans stupid and hardly worthy of notice—but his Father is smart and powerful and always knows best, so Gluttony does as he's told.
(But that doesn't mean he can't wonder.)
He watches from an abandoned building as many humans trail past the window in a large group. Some are small, like Pride, and some are larger, like Lust and Greed. He doesn't know the difference, wonders why there is such variation between them… But he is quickly distracted from that train of thought as one of the small ones—a female, he thinks, because she has long hair like Lust—laughs loudly and pulls a taller man's hand into hers as they continue walking.
(Why is she laughing? There is nothing being accomplished; none of her set tasks have been completed; there is no food to eat and she has not just woken up from sleep…)
(What is there to smile about?)
He knows that people smile and laugh when they have done something good, when they are pleasing others and themselves by completing a task. But this girl has done neither of these things; all she is doing is walking along with the rest of the humans. What has she accomplished that could give her a reward?
He resolves to ask Lust about it when she comes back tonight.
.
.
The sky has turned dark by the time she returns. (It turned from blue to pink to orange to black, and he always finds himself entranced by it. Even though his Father is so powerful, Gluttony's never seen him do anything like this...he never tires of watching it happen.) Lust's eyebrows are pulled down down down into an unhappy expression as she slams the door behind her and stalks into the room.
He knows this means the mission is not going well, that something has gone wrong and she needs to rectify it before they can return to their Father. They will be staying here, then, in this building where nobody lives, until the problem is resolved and they can go back. (He never minds staying where the humans are, because there's something about the way the upper world smells that is infinitely better than Father's rooms underground… He knows Lust doesn't like it, though, so he hopes she fixes her problems soon.)
He walks toward her, putting his hand in his mouth as he always does when he's confused or nervous, and looks up into her eyes, trying to find out what has happened. "Lust?"
Her gaze snaps toward him, and her eyes are dark and angry; however, they quickly soften as she looks down at him. "We're going to have to stay here tonight…the warrant officer isn't cooperating as I hoped he would."
"Okay," he says, shrugging, because he doesn't want to make her think this upsets him. Maybe, that way, she will not be so angry. "Can I eat something soon?"
Her lips curl upward into what could almost be a smile, and she pats him on the head before saying, "There's some farms on the outskirts of town…we'll go out tonight and get you a couple of cows, all right?"
He nods, making an agreeable noise, and wanders over to the nearby table. Lust sits down opposite him, still looking more upset than normal, and Gluttony can only sit there, wondering how he can make her forget about the mission, at least for a little bit.
Then his thoughts from earlier spring to mind. "Hey, Lust," he begins slowly, pulling his hand from his mouth and looking at her across the table. "Why do the humans laugh so much?"
She seems caught off guard by the question, and her eyes widen a bit as she only stares back at him. So he does his best to elaborate, thinking back to the small female he had seen on the street—"I was watching some of them, and they laugh…even when they haven't done anything good…"
He tilts his head to the side, considering the scene in his memories. The humans' smiles had not been like the smiles Pride or Envy so often wore, when things were going their way; he can't figure out why it was different, but…
Lust exhales in understanding, and puts her head in one hand as the other drums on the table. "Well, as far as I can tell…they laugh when they're feeling happy. That doesn't just happen when they've accomplished a task, though…"
He considers this word—happy. The knowledge inherent within him gives a definition of it, but he doesn't think he understands…
"They worry about what happens to the other humans," she continues slowly. "If things are going well for the others, they consider it a personal victory as well."
How bizarre this is, Gluttony thinks, because Homunculi know that there is no such thing as loyalty between brothers. If one has failed, the others give out the correct punishment; if another succeeds, there is only the knowledge that their plans have become closer to completion. Father has always told them not to care what happens to the others…
But he hasn't followed that order, he realizes suddenly. When Lust accomplishes something, he feels that he does as well; if she fails, as she has tonight…it is as though he is the one who must answer to Father's wrath.
Perhaps this is the word "happy" the humans use to describe themselves? Perhaps this is what causes laughter and smiles that have no source? Perhaps this connection he feels with Lust is one of the weaknesses humans don't realize they have…
But without this bond, what would he be? He knows he isn't as powerful as Pride or as strong as Sloth or as smart as Envy. All he can do is eat (which, admittedly, he is very good at), but nothing he does directly helps his Father's plans.
Without Lust, Gluttony realizes, he isn't much use to his Father at all.
But that isn't all; Lust always tells him he does a good job, even if he knows he has not; even when Pride and Envy and Father yell at him, punish him for ruining an assignment or failing something…afterward, Lust always smiles at him (it's never the same smile that the humans wear, but he thinks it's close enough) and tells him that she thinks he did well.
(And, he realizes, that's all he cares about, in the end. The others' harsh words fall off him like water, and all that matters is that Lust thinks he did a good job.)
He doesn't know if this is the happiness the humans experience; he doesn't know if this is a defect in his creation or simply something his siblings don't talk about…
But as he looks across the table at Lust, and tries to smile in the true, honest way the small human had, he realizes none of that matters…
Because as long as Lust is here, he thinks that will be enough for him.
