One chapter will talk about the past, one about the present until we reach the point where we began with the present. Confusing much? It keeps things interesting. ;)

Same disclaimer applies-Twilight belongs to S.M., but the idea of this story is mine.

Many thanks to my awesome betas and friends - TeamAllTwilight and m0t0b33. And to my newest help: Momma Laura.


June 2012

I'm having an out of body experience. There's no other way to describe this.

I understand now why insane people have that much strength—the power is fueled by some unknown force from deep inside.

The EMTs can't fight me off. I need to ride with them.

I sit quietly on the side of the ambulance while the two doctors, or whatever they are, check on Edward.

"Why doesn't he open his eyes?" My voice sounds hysteric. "Please, can't you do something?"

"Miss, please stay quiet. We're almost at the hospital."

I wrap my arms around myself, rocking while I keep my eyes on Edward.

Oh, God.

What if he dies?

No.

I can't think like that.

He'll make it, and he'll forever hate me.

Yes, much better.

Because I hate myself, too.

If I stayed behind like he wanted, we could have talked it out like two mature people.

But what do I do?

I panic and run away like a scared little kid.

Once at the hospital, my screams get the same answer: waiting room, and one upset intern who isn't allowed to do his job.

Walking to the waiting room and slumping on an uncomfortable plastic chair, I put my head in my hands. I can't stop thinking of all the possible scenarios.

When a doctor asks loudly if there's anyone for Mr. Cullen, I jump up on wobbly legs. He approaches me with a plastic bag that holds Edward's belongings.

Fuck. No.

No.

No.

This can't be happening.

"Miss, try to relax. Breathe," he instructs me, helping me back on the chair.

I can't breathe!

He's going to tell me that my stubborn nature killed someone—someone I love.

I break down and start sobbing, hiccupping and swallowing an unhealthy amount of snot. I don't care.

The doctor's soft voice gets me to calm minutely. His hand on my back doesn't help much, but it's a little comfort.

"Are you a relative of Mr. Cullen?"

I shake my head. "He's..." I gulp thickly. "My boyfriend."

It sounds odd coming out of my mouth.

"I'm sorry, but you will have to contact his family if there is anyone. I can't give you any details on his condition."

My eyes search his. "Is he alive?"

"Yes, but I'm sure you know the protocol with all the TV shows out there, you don't even have to be a doctor to know how this works."

I nod. "I will call his mother."

"Good. I'm Dr. Greene if you need me," he says softly. "Here. These are his things."

After putting the bag on the chair he just vacated, he leaves, stopping to talk with someone else a few feet away.

I pick the plastic bag and open it with shaky fingers.

His phone is cracked, and I bet it doesn't work. I try to turn it on a couple of times, but give up eventually. I'll just switch the SIM cards.

Before I can make the exchange, I see his watch—my gift for him. It miraculously survived.

There is his wallet, too and something else. Something...that shows he had this planned.

A small velvet box.

Edward was really going to propose.

Oh, my God.

I'm such an idiot.

I open the box, and a sob catches in my throat.

It's so beautiful. I idly wonder if anyone helped him.

That doesn't matter now.

I could lose him.

Keeping all the items in my lap, I open the back of my phone and see an empty slot, I do a small cheer. I remember how much I protested when I bought my phone. There was no need for two cards. Now I'm thankful for it.

It's a little tricky to figure out how it works, but I manage to find Esme's number. With my finger hovering over her name, I freeze.

What am I going to tell her?

Hi, Esme.

Who's that?

Oh, it's Bella, remember?

How nice to hear of you! How are you, darling? Why are you on my son's phone?

Right, about that... He's in the hospital because I'm an idiot.

That sounds fabulous in my head.

Cringing, I dial her number.

"Edward, for the love of God! I told you two hours ago to stop worrying. That woman loves you!"

Uh, wow.

He's been worried about my reaction.

"Mrs. Cullen," I choke out, feeling my stomach rolling.

"Bella? Sweetheart, what has my son done?" she asks worried.

How can I tell her?

"We... I'm... There's been an accident," I mumble. "New York Downtown Hospital...I'm so sorry."

"Oh my! I'll be right there!" she rushes out, before hanging up.

I bring my knees to my chest and let go of the tears.

A hand on my shoulder makes me jerk my head up. Esme and Carlisle.

She opens her arms and I don't wait to let my conscience remind me that I'm the reason their son is in the hospital. I simply stand, making all the things on my lap tumble to the ground before Esme wraps her arms around me.

"Shh, Bella. Calm down, sweetie." She strokes my hair.

"It's a-a-all my fault!"

"What happened?" Carlisle asks, bending to pick his son's belongings.

I move out of Esme's hug and resume my seat, with my knees drawn up. "We had a fight... We... I said some horrible things, and then..."

She sits next to me, putting an arm around my shoulders.

I sniff and lean my head on her shoulder. I don't deserve her compassion. "I left, and Edward followed me outside...then a car... I have no idea how it happened. They won't tell me anything!" I wail, looking at them, panicked. "Please, I need to know he's okay. Please."

"Carlisle, honey, go and find out. Also, buy some soda for Bella."

"Dr. Greene," I blurt out. "He's taking care of Edward."

Carlisle nods, putting the bag on Esme's lap. "Did you know?" he whispers to her, but I hear it, too.

He's pointing to the box.

She smiles softly, rubbing my back. "Yes, now go."

"I'm so sorry," I whisper. "It's my fault."

"Of course, it's not!"

"It is," I insist. "Edward told me...he..." I look at her. "He said he loved me...in front of everyone."

"And you didn't like that? Is it because of the policy?"

"He never said it before." I look down in her lap—at the ring box.

"What?" Esme gasps. "He never told you?"

I look back at her and realize that Edward's been in love with me for too long, but he was probably too scared to act on it.

I have a sudden urge to track down that bitch that hurt him all those years ago and give her a piece of my mind.

But I'm not much better than she, putting him down before he even had a chance to explain.

"Oh, sweet girl." Esme cups my cheek. "Edward was probably worried. He always said you weren't in this relationship for love."

I bite my lip. "I told him that to protect my heart. When we started...it wasn't for love." Shit, I can't believe I told her that. "But as time passed..."

"It changed." She nods. "Though, now...do you love him?"

I can see how she's changed—now she's mother hen, protecting her chicken.

"Yes, Esme. Very much so. I have no idea why I acted like a brat. If...if something happens to him..." I shake my head, allowing more tears to slide down my cheeks and nose.

Just then Carlisle returns with a stony face.

Fuck.

I hug my legs tighter, bracing myself for bad news.

Esme stands immediately and he wraps his arm around her, keeping his blue eyes on me. I can't read him.

"I talked with Mark."

I frown. Mark?

"I used to work here until last year when I retired."

Oh.

Carlisle looks down at his wife, and it's like she knows something awful happened.

"Just lie to me," she whispers on a shaky voice.

"Edward's stable," Carlisle says quietly.

"But?" I prompt him because I can feel a huge fat BUT coming.

He launches in an anatomical explanation, but I don't need to be a genius to understand. I just need elementary high school anatomy knowledge to understand what damage to L2-L3 means.

L1 to L5 are the lumbar vertebrae that help support the weight of the body and permit movement.

It feels like a punch to my chest.

There's a black hole where my heart should be.

My stomach revolts at the news of what I've done to the only person I ever truly loved. The contents reappear in front of me, on the hospital's floor.

I suddenly feel weak and very vulnerable.

Someone's taking me somewhere, but I have no idea what's going on around me.

All I know is that I destroyed Edward's life.

I come around to a dimly lit room and the strong smell of the hospital.

Fuck. It wasn't a nightmare.

It is real.

But why am I on the bed with a needle in my vein?

"Bella! Mom, she's awake!" I hear a relieved voice. It sounds vaguely familiar.

"Sweetie, how are you feeling? You gave us quite the scare." Esme's face appears in front of me. She's all blurry, and I realize I'm crying. "Shh, Bella."

"Why are you so good to me? I almost killed your son," I sob.

She brushes a hand through my hair. "Everyone acts differently to protect themselves. You just wanted to protect yourself from heartbreak, that's why you kept denying him. As for the accident, I am not blaming you. No one is," she assures me. "If anything, it proves how distracted Edward can be. He never made sure it was safe to cross the street."

"You can't blame him!" I shout. "He hasn't done anything wrong."

"Shit happens. No one is blaming anyone." I see Victoria coming closer. She's the one I heard earlier. "How are you, Bella?"

I shrug. "I feel horrible. How's Edward? Is he awake?"

Esme nods. "Yes, he woke up an hour ago. Guess who he asked to see first?"

Guilt eats at my insides.

How can he still want me?

I need to see him.

"Has the doctor told him?"

She nods, looking sad. "He wanted to be alone, but we were instructed to send you in when you came around."

"You told him I..." I, what? "What happened, anyway?" I ask, staring at the needle, unsure if it is wise to just take it out.

"You had a breakdown. Let me find a nurse to take care of that IV," Esme says softly before leaving the room.

"I'm not mad at you," Victoria whispers, taking the tips of my fingers in her hand. "Though, I'd like to know what happened."

I start explaining to her, only to start crying all over again.

"Do you have any idea why your brother wants to see me? I mean, it's obvious he wants to scream at me and tell me how much he hates me—"

"Don't be silly, Bella! Edward loves you so much he can't ever hate you. Not even if they paid him. You have no idea how many times he called in the past few months, asking about the right thing to do...he had this coming weekend all planned out. You even gave him an opportunity last weekend, but he chickened out. And, wow. Mom said he never told you that he loves you," she says shocked. I nod in confirmation. "He told us he loved you ages ago."

"Oh, I love him, too. I've been denying it for too long, hiding behind our arrangement." I slap my hand over my mouth. "Don't tell that to you mom or anyone else."

"What arrangement?" she asks suspiciously.

The door opens, and Esme returns with a nurse. Once my IV is out, I get up. Before I find my footing, I lean into Victoria. "It was more...lust than love in the beginning," I whisper in her ear.

She cups her mouth and snorts.

"Shh," I insist. "Now, what room is he in?"

The nurse leads me there, leaving me in front of his door.