Chapter 46: Cleansing
If Shepard thought she was insane before, her dreams solidified that thought to the next level. When only moments before she was standing in the midst of hundreds of dead bodies in the massive cavern where they'd found the Rachni Queen, she was now in an even larger cavern, surrounded by new born Rachni.
"Where the hell am I?" Shepard muttered to herself, thinking aloud.
"You are with us Singer-of-Endings." The voice of the Rachni Queen spoke in her head. At the far end of the cavern, the Rachni Queen appeared to her, looking just as she had back on Noveria.
"How exactly did I get here?" she asked the Queen. "And why do you keep calling me that?"
"Your mind is with us, while your body is in the care of your clutch," the Queen spoke soothingly. "And it is your name to all Rachni."
"Why do you call me Singer-of-Endings then? Sounds like a bad thing, like I'm a curse or something."
"You are one that brings about the ends of many things, both good and evil. You earned your name the day you let my fore mother free."
"Still, kind of a spooky name." Shepard grunted and jumped when a Rachni hatchling brushed against her leg.
"You brought the end to our imprisonment and torment. You have brought the end of countless lost singers and songs. You play a major role in the endings of this cycle's harvest." the Queen tried explaining, but one point caught Shepard's attention.
"Wait, how do you know about the cycles?" She asked, trying her best to not kick the hatchlings near her away.
"The Rachni have been in the galaxy far longer than most would think. We have been inhabitants of all cycles, since the very beginning." the Queen spoke with pride for her race. "The cold yellow ones have only just realized what we are, that we are more than simply a primitive life."
"What changed?" Shepard asked, hoping to find out how the Rachni had escaped countless harvests of the galaxy.
"You. You changed everything Singer-of-Endings." the Queen sang in her mind, her voice full of pride and yet also sorrow. "My fore mothers kept our race's appearance of simple creatures. When you freed us, kept us from extinction, the cold yellow ones took notice."
"Great, so in saving your race, I almost doomed it and helped the Reapers." Shepard cursed, mentally kicking herself.
"But you freed us once more, and gave yourself the chance at freeing yourself." the Rachni Queen soothed her.
Shepard's surroundings shifted and changed. The massive cavern around her changed into an all too familiar dark and shadowy forest. Next to her, a smaller version of the Rachni Queen appeared from thin air.
"This is wear all your problems lie. Here in this forest, they try and trap you, corrupt you to their will, corrupt you like so many Singers-of-Endings before you." the Queen's voice was hushed, almost as if she was whispering to her. "In this cycle, you are not alone in your plight. There is another, but we can be no help to him, his burden is for him to bear alone."
"What are you talking about? Who else is like this?" Shepard asked the Queen, hoping she didn't already know the answer to that.
As if on queue, a thundering below of rage and hate filled the air of the forest, breaking the harsh silence around the two. The roar was followed up only seconds later by the crack of a tree splintering apart and crashing to the forest floor.
"He is being consumed by his hate and rage towards this war. The cold yellow ones seek to use it to twist him to their will. He holds in his hate of war, violence, death, and slaughter. He keeps it in the dark where his demons lie in wait for him. He turns a blind eye to the corruption that slowly works its way towards his heart. Few things in this world will be able to save him, and only he can chose to embrace his fate, or be consumed by his desire to stop it."
"Why are you telling me all this?" Shepard asked, feeling her heart sink into her stomach. "How do you know all this?"
"We have seen many cycles pass. All have the same fate, yet none of them have had two Singers-of-Endings. We cannot tell what it is that will come of this cycle." the Queen's voice was filled with uncertainty and helplessness. The Rachni must have seen so many different cycles that all had the same ending, but if this cycle was different, then maybe there was still hope for them yet.
"We want you to see, that the ending of this cycle, is not your choice alone." the Queen pulled Shepard out of her thoughts of hope. "It will be one of you, that will bring about the end of this cycle, or the end of all cycles."
"How is this supposed to help me? To free me from the Reapers?" Shepard asked, feeling a bit of hopelessness seep into her body. In the distance, another roar sounded and another tree fell.
"I brought you here to free your mind. After you wake up, you will never return to this place. But you also needed to know this. One way or another, this war will claim something from everyone. The toll will be the highest on the Singer that brings an end to this cycle."
When the Rachni Queen was done speaking, she disappeared. Shepard heard another roar and crash of a tree falling. Only moments later, the image of the child that had haunted her dreams ran past her. The child seemed to completely ignore her, his face a mix of both fear and pleasure, as if whatever was happening was something that he had planned. The boy looked over his shoulder and Shepard followed his gaze.
From the trees, Rah's lumbering form charged out. Shepard froze in terror at what she saw that her friend had become. Just as usual in her dreams, he was wearing his heavy armor with his hammer in his hands. This time however, there was a heavy, inky black aura around him. The armor was mangled and twisted, almost as if acid had been poured over parts of it, and others and been on the receiving end of an enraged Krogan. Jutting out from Rah's shoulderpads, three metal spikes rose into the air on each shoulder. On each spike, the head of a different Reaper twisted race sat with their faces twisted into screams of pain. Rah's head and face was twisted as well. His skin was now onyx black and had a scaly texture to it. His eyes were deep pits of solid crimson, filled with hate and rage. Protruding from his forehead were two large bony spikes, one of which was broken off halfway up. His face was twisted from his normally hard yet kind features, into that of pure malice towards the child and everything in creation.
Shepard jumped out of Rah's way when he barreled towards her. Rah swung his hammer at the boy. This time, it connected with his back and everything around Shepard dissolved into inky blackness.
Shepard's eyes shot open to find that she was in the Normandy's medbay. She felt an air mask covering her face, forcing air into her nostrils. She looked around, wincing slightly at the stiffness in her neck. To her left, she found Samara meditating on the bed next to her. On her right, Eve, the female Krogan, sat watching over her.
"Doctors, our Commander is awake." Eve spoke out, looking over her shoulder.
From behind Eve, both Mordin and Doctor Chakwas rushed over to check on her.
"Vitals stable, brain waves normal, no physical effects." Mordin mumbled more to himself than to anyone as he read Shepard's bio-readings on his omni-tool.
"How are you feeling Katherine?" Chakwas asked her, and Mordin took the mask off.
"Like I swallowed a rat." Shepard choked out, her throat feeling drier than the deserts of Mars.
From her left, Samara handed Shepard a battle of water, as if she'd known that Shepard would complain about her throat.
"Why am I here docs?" Shepard asked after drinking down half the bottle.
"You've been in a coma for the last two weeks Katherine." Chakwas told her bluntly, her voice gentle. "We don't know why."
"That better have worked then." she grumbled, sitting up despite the urges of the others to stay laying down. "Didn't realize that I'd be out for that long though."
"What are you talking about Katherine?" The matronly doctor asked.
"She has been melding with an old friend of hers." Samara replied for her. Shepard looked to Samara in surprise, somehow the Justicar knew what had happened.
"Not exactly, but pretty much." Shepard confirmed, not taking her eyes off Samara. "How-?"
"When you've lived as long as I have, you learn how to pick up on some of these things. Coming aboard to find your mind joint with the Rachni Hivemind was, unsettling." Sarama replied in her normal emotionless tone. "Might I ask why you risked such a joining?"
"How did you get here Samara?" Shepard asked, completely ignoring the Asari's question. "I mean, I'm glad to see you again, just I wasn't expecting you to be here."
"Garrus was busy while you've been in here." Sarama replied evenly. "He rescued a group of Cerberus defectors that was being protected by Jacob, and then came to find me after I tried asking you for help."
"Help with what?"
"One of the Ardat-Yakshi monasteries was attacked. My other two daughters were in that monastery. Garrus helped me clear it of the Reapers that had attacked it, and he saved one of my daughters."
"W-what happened?" Shepard stammered, her eyes wide. Just below Samara's eyes, Shepard could see that the Asari was still in pain over the lose of another of her daughters.
"Tell me why you were joined to the Rachni, and I will tell you." Samara challenged.
"The Rachni Queen helped me to deal with a Reaper problem I was having in my brain." Shepard spoke bluntly, knowing there was no point in dancing around the bush with any of the people in the room.
"Katherine! What is it you're saying?" Chakwas gasped, taking a step back.
"Indoctrination always possible. Probable exposure to Reaper tendrils while aboard dead Reaper. Glad to see you have dealt with problem." Mordin chimed in, his gaze thoughtful. "Though, would recommend meditation to keep mind clear and focused. Possible for stress and pressure to cause Reapers to try and take hold again."
"Thank you Mordin." Shepard smiled to her friend.
"Does Garrus know?" the Salarian asked, his face twisted into a look of questioning and calculating his next move.
"He did, I'll need to tell him about this though."
"Recommend broaching subject after sexual intercourse. Turians more likely to be less agitated when their desires are sated."
"You really did just say that didn't you?" Shepard asked, not believing what she heard.
"Yes." Mordin turned away from her. "Free to go back to normal duties, suggest keeping a light workload for a week. If you feel any pain or discomfort, return and will direct accordingly. Try and keep stress levels low in any way possible."
"I don't like it, but I'm inclined to agree with Doctor Solus on this one." Chakwas grumbled. "Just promise me you'll tell Garrus sooner rather than later. A Turian is quite a pain to deal with when his mate is possibly on her deathbed or will never wake up."
"EDI, where is Garrus?" Shepard asked, standing from the bed and looking around for her clothes.
"He is currently sleeping in your cabin Kat." the AI responded, her voice light and cheery. "And It's good to see you awake again."
"Thanks EDI." Shepard chuckled when Samara handed her a pair of her N7 casuals.
Rah sat up straight in his bed, covered in a cold sweat. He fought to calm his racing heart and ragged breathing, doing his best to keep from waking Jack. When he finally brought his breathing and hate rate back under control, Rah wiped the sweat off his face and looked to Jack.
Thankfully, the woman was still sound asleep. Sometime in the night, Jack had rolled onto her side with her back to him. From the way her side rose and fell, Rah could tell that she was still deep in sleep and he didn't wake her with his nightmare.
Rah counted it as a blessing, he didn't need Jack knowing about his continued nightmares, nor what they were doing to him. She had enough to deal with as it was, no reason for him to pile his issues onto her as well.
Rah silently got off the bed and went to the bathroom of their hotel room. He hoped that the hot waters of a shower would do him some good for once, unlike the days and weeks before. While Rah stood under the hot, almost scalding, water his mind wandered to his last nightmare.
Just as they had been since the Alpha Relay, Rah's dreams took him to that hell hole that was the shadowy forest. Over the last two weeks, two weeks where he was stuck on the Citadel waiting for supplies and troops to arrive to man the MSV Infinity, his dreams had become worse and worse.
Each night, he found himself chasing that stupid kid. Each night, his rage and hatred for that child increased. In this last dream, it consumed him, turned him into the monster he knew he was but refused to fully become.
A wave of cold fear washed over Rah when he remembered how good it felt. He revailed in the feeling of his hammer finally connecting with his target and mangling the boy's body. Even just thinking about the dream sent a desire to hurt someone, to break them to his will, to feel them crumble just as that boy's body had done.
Rah felt revulsion with himself, with his desire to do the exact thing he'd spent his free life protecting others from. He couldn't believe that he'd actually want to cause someone pain. Sure, the power that he felt when he did his job as a soldier, the power of life and death being held in his hands, it felt good, but it was nothing compared to what he felt when that boy was finally killed in his dream.
Rah forced the desire to senselessly harm others into the darkest corner of his mind, the corner where he shoved all of his dark secrets, all of his dark desires and dreams.
Rah forced his mind clear, focusing solely on maintaining a state of zen in his mind. His body mindlessly set to the task of washing himself and then drying himself when he stepped out of the shower.
When he returned back to the room, Rah smiled at seeing that Jack had rolled to her other side, her hand searching for him even in her sleep. A sad smile came to Rah's face. He would have loved to return to the bed and simply lay with Jack in his arms until she woke up, but he needed to do something else this time.
Silently, Rah put on his Alliance N7 uniform and pulled the gold chain of his crucifix necklace over his head. While he would normally tuck the gold piece under his uniform, he felt it fitting to leave it out just this once.
Before leaving the room, Rah leaned over Jack and placed a light kiss to her forehead, smiling when she fidgeted in her sleep. He found a pad of paper and a pen and scribbled down a note to her, letting her know where he was going and that he'd be back later. He set the pad down next to her omni-tool and left the room.
Before long, Rah made his way to one of the station's arms, and one of the lower wards. He found himself standing outside a small chapel, the only christian chapel on the entire Citadel. He stepped inside and took a seat in the pews. Everyday since finding out that it would take a while before the Infinity could leave the Citadel, he'd come to at least one mass at this chapel. Every time he left, Rah felt calmer and more refreshed than any night's sleep had made him feel in a long time.
Even though the early morning mass didn't start until seven, a good two hours away, Rah was content to sit in the holy place. Just being in the place had seemed to put his mind to ease already.
An hour passed before Rah heard the doors of the chapel open again. He didn't turn around from his seat, and was startled when a hand came to rest lightly on his shoulder.
"Awfully early my son." The warm and rich voice of the chapel's pastor spoke to him from behind. "Something troubling you young one?"
"I was in need of clarity Father." Rah replied with respect to the priest. "I didn't mean to intrude. If I did, I am sorry."
"No need to to be sorry Robert, I keep the doors unlocked for that reason." the priest chuckled. "May I sit with you?"
"Of course." Rah replied with a smile and moved over to make room for the elderly man to sit beside him.
Rah looked to the priest, a man who was in his early hundreds, with a feeling of relief and joy. The man had been a great help to him in the last two weeks, having the advice to set Rah's mind straight every time he talked to the elder.
"One downside to the galaxy now," the priest spoke softly with a chuckle. "We live to a hundred and fifty, but being one hundred and six still feels like one hundred and six."
"I wouldn't know." Rah chuckled back. "Probably never will."
"Not with that attitude." the priest replied with a snort.
"In my line of work, everyday could be my last, it's just a matter of time before the bullet that has my name on it finds me." Rah's voice was solemn, it was one fact that he knew would be true his entire life. "I just hope to do my part of this war before I'm taken into His embrace."
"I can tell there's more to it than that."
Rah pulled up his omni-tool and pulled up one of the images he had of Jack. Since coming to the Citadel with her, He'd found the chance to get a few more picture of her, more images to remind him of what he fought for now. The one he'd opened to show was of her laying asleep in her hospital bed after the surgery to have her biotic amp replaced.
"My girlfriend. She's my everything. Whenever I'm in a combat zone, she's the one thing that keeps me on my feet through the toughest of fights. She's the reason I'm fighting this war. I want to have a future with her, give her anything and everything she has ever wanted. But I know that when the galaxy defeats the Reapers, I won't be apart of it."
"What makes you say that?"
"It's a feeling I have. Don't know why, I just feel that I won't live to see the end of the road."
"If there is anything I've learned from all my years in this world, all of my years of faith, there is nothing for certain. Only He knows what will happen to us, but He gives us the power to make our lives our own before we rejoin him. Take my advice, spend the days you to spare with her and follow your heart sooner rather than later."
Rah didn't get the chance to reply. Behind them, the doors opened again, and a flood of hushed voices entered the chapel. Rah looked at the time to see that it was quarter to the start of mass. The priest rose from his seat, leaving to go and prepare for the service.
Rah stayed where he was, letting the priest's words sink in. By the end of the service, Rah knew what he was going to do.
A/N: There we are folks! Very much enjoyed writing this chapter, and I hope you all enjoyed reading it
Thank you all for continuing to read! Please let me know what you all thought!
Until next time!
