-AN- This chapter jumps forward 2 weeks from the end of the battle -


Kili was stood on the rampart of Erebor, the hand of his good arm pressed against the cold stone. He looked out across the land, a sliver of blue light snaking it's way across the edge of the sky, signalling on-coming sunrise. He had seen almost every sunrise sinse the battle, never sleeping the whole night through, waking in a cold sweat with voices and faces in his head. He would lay, frozen and panting, in bed for a long time before getting up to walk the extensive halls of Erebor, always ending up on the rampart to watch the sunrise. He had arrived in Erebor six days after the battle, when Oin was satisfied that his wounds were starting to heal nicely (which didn't prevent the old healer from prodding and poking him every few hours just to make sure, though.) Fili had walked beside him, a hand ready to steady him if it was needed, leading him in. Immediately Kili felt like he had been swallowed up.

"Welcome to Erebor, little brother." Fili had said with a smile, letting Kili look about him. And there was much to see. The place was cavernous, huge stone pillars, carved with dwarvish runes and patterns, towering up above him, reaching up onto the darkness. He wasn't sure what he had imagined in his head when his uncle told him stories, but not even his wildest imagination could conjour up the grandeur and size of the place, the way it's exquisitely carved walls seemed to glow like emeralds. It seemed to go on in all directions, outwards and upwards, never appearing to end.

"It's big." Was all he could say, stepping further into the mountain.

And he still wasn't used to it, to the twisting dark corridors and cave-like halls. To the shadows which congregated between torch light. To the way every tiny word or movement echoed like drum beats. Nor to the lack of natural light. Perhaps that was why he always ended up on the rampart, staring at the stars and waiting for the sunrise. Erebor may have been huge, but he felt confined. Trapped. And that made it easier for the nightmares and the memories to creep up on him. It had been a nightmare which had woken him that night, as they had every night. Sometimes it was Azog, sometimes it was the Necromancer. And other times it was him, dressed in strange spiked armor, striding through a body-strewn battlefield, torn and burning banners of the fallen struggling to remain aloft. That night it had been Gurlak. Kili had still been able to hear the one-eyed orc's growling voice in his head after he had awoken.

It's not real, it was a dream, Kili had to say to himself, hands pressed against his ears, it's not real.

That had been some time ago, and now Kili had become numb to the cold. The young Durin's eyes had fallen to the expanse of empty - but now frostbitten - land before the gates of Erebor. What had, two weeks ago, been a battlefield. The bodies of the dead had long been removed, yet for many days their blood had stained the ground and it had not been until a downpour was the dirt cleansed of it. Kili could still hear the fighting sometimes, in the clanging echoes of the mountain as the Company busied themselves rebuilding the kingdom. He could hear it in the rain drops and the occasional claps of thunder. Sometime he could just hear it, everywhere, even in the silence, in the voices of his friends, at the back of his mind. A never ending fight. It would give him a headache. Kili could hear it now as he looked towards Dale, aglow with torchlight. The city was being re-built, under Bard's instruction, and slowly life was beginning to return to it. But Kili could only think of the death and the ruin that he had seen within its walls. He had not physically stepped back into Dale since entering Erebor, but he always found himself back there. The walls of Erebor's extensive hallways becoming the crumbling buildings of dale, rattling with metal-on-metal and foul Black Speech. Kili was often able to pull himself out of the waking-dream, but it was getting harder and he was starting find himself feeling crippled and helpless.

He would not confess, however, to whomever would come across him, shaking and panting, when they asked him what was wrong. They were busy rebuilding their reclaimed home, he didn't want to hinder them. But more than that, he didn't want to seem like a weak and frightened child. The dreams would stop soon. They couldn't last forever.

"Kili!" The brunette jumped and span around, heart beating like a drum in his chest. He didn't know who he expected to see, but was most relieved to see his brother staring at him, the ever-thickening sliver of sunrise reflecting in his blue eyes, brows pulled together in a concerned frown.

"Fili," Kili breathed, "I didn't hear you."

"I did announce myself." Fili rose an eyebrow at him. "What are you doing awake so early? You never used to be one for early mornings." Kili shrugged.

"Couldn't sleep." He mumbled. This, of course, came as no surprise to Fili, who could see, even in the dim light, the dark circles around Kili's eyes. They seemed to be an almost permanent feature of his younger brother's thin face now. He never seemed to be able to sleep any more. And Fili was starting to worry. It had been two weeks since the battle, yet he didn'f feel like he had his brother back, not completely. A part of Kili was missing, replaced by something else. He just needs time, Thorin had said when Fili mentioned it. He hoped his uncle was right, but there was always something pulling at him.

"Well," he said, stepping forward to lean on the wall of the rampart beside Kili, "couldn't you have 'not slept' somewhere warmer? It's freezing out here. Oin says you're still healing, it's still easy for you to catch a chill." The last thing Fili wanted was Kili getting sick again, he had not quite forgotten the images from Bard's home. He doubted he ever would. "How long have you been out here?" Kili shrugged again.

"A few hours." Though he couldn't be completely sure, he always found himself so engrossed in his thoughts and memories that he didn't keep time. "I like being out here, suppose I'm not quite used to living in a mountain."

"Nor I."

"Uncle seems glad to back, though."

"Yes, he does. And mother should be on her way soon, Thorin sent a letter to her a few days ago, should have thought she'd have received it by now."

"It'll be good to see her, I've missed her." Fili and Kili had never been away from Dis for a prolonged period of time. A few days here and there perhaps when they went hiking through the Blue Mountains with Thorin and Dwalin, but nothing quite like this.

"As have I." Fili nodded. And he had, truly. But a part of him dreaded seeing her again, dreaded having to explain all that had happened to her youngest son. Telling her that he'd broken his promise to look after him. He tried to put it to the back of his mind, it would be some weeks before she arrived at Erebor. But he knew that he'd soon need to start finding to words to explain it all, for he felt that it was only right that it should be him to do it. "Come on," he said, straightening up, and patting Kili on the shoulder "let's get you back inside."

"I'm not tired."

"I wasn't sending back to bed," Fili laughed, "let's just get back in the warm." Kili nodded, and after flashing one last glance towards the brightening sky, followed his brother back inside the mountain.


The siblings entered a small room, where a glowing fire burnt and a table filled most of the space, old and dusty items were gathered on shelves and cabinets where they had sat since Erebor previous inhabitants had fled. Fili immediately went to stand before the fireplace, holding his palms out to be warmed, firelight illuminating his face.

"Aren't you going to warm yourself?"

"I'm warm enough." Kili said, taking his place by the table, hooking his foot around a chair leg and pulling it beneath him. He winced slightly, the still healing wound across his stomach pulling awkwardly. Fili frowned at him.

"Are you alright?" He asked, sitting down opposite him, leaning forward on his elbows.

"Of course I am," Kili smiled. A fake smile. Fili knew every type of smile his little brother's lips made; true, joyous smiles, mischievous smiles, kind smiles, nervous smiles, fake smiles. And this smile was fake, forced. He knew very well that is brother was not alright. There was something bothering him, something behind those tired dark eyes. Like a shadow. Fili had noticed the little things that those who didn't know Kili as well as him, - which was everyone, even Thorin - would miss. The way his brother flinched at a loud noise, or stared warily into the shadows, watching the light-play with odd suspicion, the way he seemed to grow quiet and retreat into himself. It was that which concerned Fili the most. Kili was never quiet, he was always talking and laughing and playing and joking. And he was doing none of those things. There had been many opportunities for Kili to pull a prank over the last few days, opportunities that the old Kili would never miss. Opportunities that the now Kili didn't even seem to notice. Fili had hoped that he wouldn't need to probe, that his brother would tell him what was wrong, but a week after entering Erebor, Kili remained silent. And now Fili was growing impatient. He wanted to help.

"Tell me the truth." He said.

"What do you mean?"

"You're not yourself, little brother." Fili leaned forward slightly, his brother's eyes narrowing at him. "You don't sleep, you barely eat, you're quiet most of the time. And none of that is like you at all. I'm worried."

"You needn't be." The brunette held up a hand and shook his head, dismissing his brother' concern, as he had been for many days.

"Kili," Fili huffed, "you can brush it off as often as you like, but I know something is wrong, and you do too."

"Nothing is wrong!" Kili suddenly spat, voice rising. "I'm fine." Fili simply stared at him, studying every inch of his face, seeing the fear behind the anger. What was he afraid of?

"Why won't you speak to me?" He asked eventually, a pleading desperation to his voice.. He and his brother kept nothing from one another, it was always to each other they went when something was amiss, long before they went to their mother or uncle. Did Kili no longer trust him? Fili moved to lean across the table to take his brother's hand, to give it a reassuring squeeze, but Kili pulled his own away and spoke again in the same angry voice as before.

"Because there's nothing to speak about!" Kili rose from his chair and glared at his older brother from across the table, before leaving the room with a growl. He heard Fili's chair scrape across the stone floor.

"Kili!" But Kili neither returned nor stopped, but rather picked up speed until he was travelling through the rock halls of Erebor at a run, footsteps echoing off the walls. He could already feel his heart begin to beat like a rapid drum in his chest, and it pushed his breath from his lungs in quick, desperate pants. He didn't understand why he was running from his brother, the person he loved the most in the world, the person he felt the most safe with, but his mind was telling him to flee and hide as though he was escaping some beast. His heart screamed out for him to stop, to turn around and fall into Fili's strong arms, to be enveloped and protected. But some strange instinct was telling him to keep going. And he did, right until he reached his room. The door was still ajar from when he had left it some hours ago, but he closed it behind him with a shuddering slam. He pressed his back against it and felt his legs give way from beneath him and he slid down to the floor.

The room about him was lit with torches and candles, there were no windows in the mountain, and Kili felt threatened by the almost constant shadows, as though something was hiding within them. It was a childish fear and he scolded himself for it. He was not a child, he should not be afraid of the dark. But even so, he pulled his knees up, watching the patches of darkness between the light. Sometimes, the shadowy areas would seem to move and twist and whisper, transforming into familiar, terrifying shapes and transporting Kili back to caverns of Dol Guldur.

A knock on the heavy wooden door made Kili flinch, his breath catching in his throat and his muscles stiffening.

"Kili?" His brother's voice was low and soft, and he could tell Fili was leaning close to the door. "I'm sorry if I upset you, but I'm worried." A soft thump told Kili that he brother had leaned up against the door. There was a small sigh. "We used to be able to talk about anything, you and I, didn't we? It didn't matter what it was, we could tell each other anything. And we still can, you still can. All you have to do is open the door." But Kili didn't move, simply closed his eyes as he listened to his brother's voice, remembering nights when they would stay awake until the small hours of the morning, sometimes until the sunrise, talking about all manner of things; silly things, serious things, the things they had done that day or the things they would do in the next. Kili missed those nights, with nothing but firelight and each other. And now he felt as though there was a second battle raging, this time within him. He wanted so much to open that door, but he was rooted to the spot, as though the stone floor had grown strong hands and held him tightly where he was sat. "Don't keep shutting me out, little brother, please." Kili pulled his knees in tighter and stayed quiet. "Kili?" There was a defeated tone to Fili's voice, he knew that his brother would not open to door to him and, after some moments of silence, his footsteps echoed away down the hall until his own door groaned shut.

Kili rested his forehead against his knees and felt warm, salty tears begin to wet his cheeks. There was an emptiness inside him, something missing. Something that had been taken and replaced with something else, something new and mournful and unlike himself at all. It made him lonely.


- AN -

A very short chapter but I hope you enjoy it!

Poor Kili, something isn't right. I'm starting to get into the PTSD/depression, (thanks for the tips guys, keep them coming!) I think we all suspected our little Durin would suffer in some way. I hope I'm portraying it well so far.

And in a few chapters we will have Mama Durin! I can't wait to write her! We don't know much about her, so it should be interesting.

Thanks for the support this far guys, this fic has become so much more than I imagined! And I've loved working on it! Hopefully part 53 (what?!) will be up in a week or so.

As usual, faves, follows and (especially) reviews are welcomed and appreciated! *cyber high-five*