Disclaimer: SM owns Twilight
A/N: Maybe I was hungry?
Chapter Six: Biscuits and Gravy
"Do you think she did it?"
"Do I think who did what?"
"The girlfriend. Do you think she killed him? I mean, have you ever had a fight with a guy that made you mad enough to want to kill him?"
There was no fight... "You know me, Alice, I've never really been the fighting type."
"True. You're much too sweet."
Yeah, that's me... "Have you?"
"Well, I've thrown things. I mean, when you think about it, I suppose it's just luck that none of my flying objects has ever killed anyone."
"Luck or the fact that you couldn't hit a... "
"Be nice! I'm right next to you and I have fists of fury!"
I burst out laughing and she sticks her tongue out at me. Other than a few schoolyard incidents when we were kids, Alice isn't the fighting type either. And those were necessary lessons in manners. I can't help but smile at the memories. One especially.
"Remember when you gave Mike Newton a bloody nose?"
"Yes I do! That was a fist of fury! Nobody pulls my Bella's hair and gets away with it! I showed him!"
"Yes you did. He never pulled my hair again. Or any girl's, perhaps."
"Actually, that's not true. Don't you remember the night Jess had one too many - or ten - and ended up in Tyler Crowley's parents' bedroom with him at that party?"
"I remember that he came limping down the hall afterwards."
"Exactly. A little hair pulling can be fun, but don't try that shit if you're Mike Newton. That's just not sexy. Now, Jasper, on the other hand... "
"Is here." He walks through the open front door, Figaro in hand - or rather, biting hand - and gives her a wicked smile and a tug of her hair before leaning down to kiss my cheek. "Did she keep you up all night?"
"No, she fell asleep for a few hours. My lack of sleep is my fault and mine alone."
"She's writing again!" Alice's excitement hasn't waned one bit since she woke to printed pages.
"Is she now?"
I answer his raised-in-approval brows with an innocent shrug. "A little something."
"Well, I'm glad to hear that, darlin, though if I know you, which I do, there's nothing little about it." He gives me a genuine smile, knowing full well how big of a deal it really is that I wrote anything at all.
"Alice likes it, I think."
"Don't listen to her, Jasper, I love it!"
"Well, I look forward to snuggling up in bed and reading it to you."
She squeals with delight at this, and I laugh, fully aware of their ritual. I think it's his voice more than my stories that lulls her to sleep at night, but it's no less an honor to be a part of it.
"We have to celebrate!"
"That sounds like a great idea, when I've had some sleep. And Bella." He gives a still-biting Figaro a lion-like roar, which doesn't faze him in the least, and turns back to Alice, "You ready to go, Pixie Bell?"
"I thought we were all going to eat breakfast together? Or brunch, I guess, since it's late. We were waiting for you."
"I wish you wouldn't have waited, I'm beat. I don't think I could keep my eyes open long enough to eat."
"But... "
"It's okay, Alice. I'll wrap it up for you guys. You can warm it up for him later. Just call me when he wakes up and I'll tell you how."
"But you made his favorite!" she protests.
"And he'll eat it later. He's tired... "
He looks suddenly a lot less tired as his eyes perk up. "My favorite?"
"Yes, your favorite. You said you were hungry on the phone and Bella made biscuits and gravy special for you. You can't just leave now that... "
"If you want to go home, Alice, your car is outside. Wild horses couldn't drag me out of here... " He puts Figaro on his feet and his words fade away as he heads to the kitchen. For a brief second... "Get in here, women!"
"You heard him," she giggles, tugging on my hair, "My man is hungry!" She loops her arm with mine, and whispers in my ear as she pulls me towards the kitchen, "And your biscuits and gravy is just the aphrodisiac a tired southern boy needs to turn into a wild horse. I am so gonna owe you... "
If I wasn't already laughing at Alice's remark, I certainly would start as we enter the kitchen and find Jasper seated at the table with a napkin tucked into his shirt and a fork in his fisted and waiting hand.
"Isn't he just the cutest thing?" she asks, her face beaming with adoration.
"Definitely," I say, smiling as I put his plate in front of him and his face lights up like a child's on Christmas morning. Although not in my childhood home... "Which is why you're the perfect couple."
He wastes no time on his usual southern gentleman manners and digs right in before we've even sat down, the temptation too much to resist. His shining blue eyes close as he takes a bite and I know tired has nothing to do with it. Or the moan that follows.
Until last night, it had been a long time since I served a man something and heard any appreciation for it...
But this is different than that, of course, and his charming southern drawl brings me back to the present, "I don't know, darlin... sometimes I wonder if I married the wrong woman."
Alice tousles his wavy mane of blond hair and then sits next to him. "I'll only not kill you for saying that because you said it to Bella, and your charm doesn't work on her anymore."
"I am well aware of that," he says as he takes another bite. "And will be forever in your debt for picking up the pieces of my broken-by-Bella heart all those years ago."
I give him a playful, sorrowful pout and he winks at me. Jasper and I were high school sweethearts, and I did break his heart - and my own - and our engagement, a year and a half after graduation, but I only did it because I knew I would never look at him the way Alice did. I loved him, but the torture I began to notice in Alice's eyes when we were all together was something much greater than that. She never said anything, never acted on her feelings, and never would have, but I could see it. She loved him in a way I didn't, maybe never would, a love beyond our young years, a love beyond understanding, and I couldn't keep something that I knew was meant for her.
It took time for them to get together, time for Jasper to heal and open himself again, time for him to see...
And even more time once he did, neither of them thinking it was appropriate because of me, but I did my best to push them towards each other. Once they understood that it truly wouldn't hurt me, that it was what I wanted for both of them, they finally stopped denying themselves, and have been together ever since. It's the best thing I've ever done. For them.
I can't say I've never wondered how happy my life might have been if I hadn't made the decision I did, but seeing their happiness is worth what I robbed myself of. The one man in my life that loved me for me. That never wanted anything from me but my affection. That gave his freely. I gave it up... gave him up... so he could give it to someone that ached from not having it. Someone I loved that I thought needed it more. Someone I wanted to have the most beautiful life possible. I knew he would give it to her. A life full of love.
Maybe you only get one chance. Or maybe that's only true for me because I gave mine away.
Maybe a love-filled life just isn't meant to be for me...
I knew that already, I suppose, because apart from Jasper, and my friendship with Alice, everything that came before and after was anything but love-filled. Not that I didn't try to change that, I did everything I could to make myself lovable to someone else...
Agreeable.
Wanted.
Needed.
So much that I lost myself.
Forgot who I was.
What I wanted... needed... loved...
And it was all for nothing, because that lifeless shell wasn't loved.
Wasn't wanted or needed.
Wasn't valued.
Wasn't anything, but the lifeless, loveless shell I'd become trying to be more.
I tried too hard.
Gave up too much.
I was empty, like my house became around me.
But my house now? At this moment?
Love-filled is what it is.
Overflowing.
Not empty.
Not lifeless.
I smile as I watch them now, something I couldn't do just a short time ago. It was too hard. Reminded me too much of what I'd lost. Given away...
As much as I love them both, I was hurting too much to spend much time with them together after...
But I'm done crying over spilled milk, or dumped out in this case, and having them here together and as blissfully in love as ever is just what I need.
It's freeing.
Healing.
Filling.
It's proof that what's inside of me is valid.
The clawing.
Like another clawing long ago that I didn't ignore.
Couldn't.
That broke our hearts but filled theirs.
I was selfless.
I've always been selfless.
I had to empty my heart and replace it with hurt for theirs to be full.
I don't regret my choice.
I'm not sorry.
I'm still selfless enough to be happy for them.
But not so selfless not to want something for myself.
Something.
Comfort...
Like biscuits and gravy that I now fill Jasper's plate with for the second time.
Like love.
Love that surrounds me and fills my home.
It's not just a house anymore.
It's a home again.
Comfort.
Something...
But not enough.
I feel Figaro's tiny claws on my feet under the table.
Scratching...
Trying to get my attention.
Trying to tell me something.
I'm not empty anymore.
I know, Figaro...
I feel it too.
xx
So, yeah...
