My Bella's a little twisted up inside. Like SM's was. But different. Like this is. Welcome new readers that get a kick out of that. And Joy Masen, Bnjwl Masen, Ttharman Masen, and theonlykyla - because there can only be one - here's the ASAP you asked for. And some Fedward for blueyedcherry - 3rd in line behind Bella. And me. The rest of you will have to fight it out. Bella's fight is below.
Chapter Fourteen: Progress
I told Edward I wasn't feeling very well.
And as it turned out, pale, sweating, and shaking was more than just my panic and fear rearing their desperate heads.
I really wasn't well.
Pale became paler.
Sweating became chills.
And shaking took on many different forms...
Violent shivers.
Even more violent heaves into the toilet.
And whimpering pleas through trembling lips for Edward to leave me.
I really wanted him to now.
Then.
Begged him to as he wiped my fevered brow with a cool cloth.
Tried to push him away from me when he held my hair from my face as I bent over the cold porcelain.
I wanted him to go.
Not see me like this.
Weak.
Helpless.
And vulnerable.
But he didn't go.
Wouldn't leave me.
And still hasn't.
And won't.
Even though I look like death.
And plead weakly for it to take me.
And him to just leave me to it...
Edward just won't go.
…
…
"Jasper?"
"Hey, darlin."
"What are you doing here?"
"Working."
What? "W-working?" I croak.
"Well, not right this second, but that's only because your new I walk on water friend is in your kitchen charming the pants off of his new groupie, formerly known as MY WIFE."
"Edward?" I ask, trying to sit up in my makeshift bed on my couch.
"Right here, beautiful," he answers, suddenly appearing out of nowhere before me and pulling me up before Jasper can. "I'm glad to see your eyes open."
"She was talking to me," Jasper scowls from his intercepted almost-to-me position behind Edward.
"Saying my name," Edward returns cockily without so much as a glance back at him, "Again."
"Again?" I ask, confused, and with a still-croaky voice.
Edward holds a glass in front of me, putting the tip of the straw to my lips, and whispering "Small sips" as Alice answers my question. "You were mumbling in your fevered sleep. Nothing made any sense, but you said Edward's name a few times. That part was clear."
"I did?" I ask weakly, ignoring Jasper's rolling eyes, and wondering what else I may have said - though grateful that whatever it was didn't make sense to them. Hopefully none of them...
"Yes, you did," Edward answers with a smug smile, before smoothing my hair away from my face and putting his lips to my forehead. "Your fever seems to be down. You feel much cooler... but I'll let you tell me, and the thermometer. How do you feel?"
"A little better...I guess?"
"You're not sure?"
"No. I mean yes. I mean... You can go."
"Bella, you've been trying to kick me out for three days, with no success. You really should save your energy."
Three days?
I open my mouth to ask exactly that, and he slips the thermometer in before I can get the simple question out.
"100.4," he says after a moment. "Much better."
And now I can finally ask my question. "Three days?" And another. "And much better than what?"
"Well, today is the third, but you're still trying to get rid of me, so I counted it, even though it's only mid-afternoon. And much better than this morning, which was 102. And yesterday, when you hovered in the 103 range. And the day before, which-"
"The day before? But I just got sick yesterday... "
"No, Bella, it was the day before. You were out of it most of yesterday, so I'm not surprised that you're confused about the time."
"If I was so out of it that I don't even remember - which I don't - HOW did you take my temperature? And WHERE?"
Alice laughs at my question, Jasper crosses his arms, and Edward smirks. "Where do you think I took it?"
"There better be an ear thermometer sitting around here somewhere."
"I'd have gotten one if it had been necessary... but it wasn't. And don't worry, beautiful, the only space I entered was your mouth. I simply touched the tip to your lips and told you to open. You were very compliant."
"You're not funny."
"I'm not trying to be."
I'm pretty sure I'd remember THAT...
"So, three days... and you've been here the whole time?"
"Yes, and yes, other than the few minutes it took me to run next door for a change of clothes each morning. I took the liberty of showering here."
Edward-sex-on-a-stick-Cullen was naked in my house...
Naked and... wet.
And I was practically unconscious?
Fuck you, flu! Fuck you with Satan's staff!
Edward's deep chuckle tells me he's in my head again. And even if it hadn't, his low whisper in my ear leaves no doubt. "Don't worry... your eyes will be indulged soon enough. And anything else you think has been neglected. After you've regained your strength. You couldn't handle it now."
"The only thing I can't handle right now is your arrogance. It's exhausting. And the knowledge that I haven't showered for two days is embarrassing. And you are way too close to me. So, thank you for playing doctor, but go away."
"If you're exhausted, then you should lie back down. And no, you haven't had a shower, but you did have a bath yesterday, and I'd be happy to help you with that again today if you're feeling dirty but too exhausted to manage alone."
I look down at myself - and my clothes - and try to remember what I was wearing the last time I dressed myself...
And it wasn't what I'm wearing now.
"You undressed me and put me in the bathtub? While I was unconscious?"
"You weren't unconscious."
"And was I compliant?" I ask, fixing him with a glare.
"You were, actually. Until I put you into the cool water. You didn't like that very much. It broke my heart, to be honest, how much you didn't like it... but you were too hot. I needed to cool you down."
There's nothing cocky or playful in his expression now. Or his words.
Or what he did.
He stayed here with me when I was sick.
He took care of me.
Because I couldn't take care of myself.
And because he cares.
He cares about me.
A lot.
More than anyone has for a very long time.
I see it.
More than anyone has since...
Jasper.
Who sees it, too.
And who sighs.
At him and at me and at his wife.
Who is smiling so big...
At us.
"Thank you," I say softly.
To Edward.
For so much...
For what he did.
And what he said.
And what he didn't have to.
Because no matter what I lose...
I'll never forget what I had.
What he gave me.
Today.
…
…
Edward made me soup.
Real, homemade, from scratch, chicken soup.
It's what he was doing in my kitchen when I woke up.
No one's ever done that for me before.
Jasper was a wonderful boyfriend...
And took care of me when I ever got sick...
But his soup always came from a box.
Or a restaurant.
And Edward could have done that...
Been sweet in an easy way.
But he didn't.
And he didn't leave me.
Not even to go get what he needed.
He called Alice.
Who he knows loves me.
Told her I was sick.
Two days after I got.
And gave her his shopping list.
And then he called Jasper.
Who he was supposed to be working with today.
And told him the same.
That I was sick.
And that he couldn't.
Wouldn't leave me alone.
And they came.
And they're still out there.
With my soup.
And Edward.
While I'm in the shower.
Feeling feverish.
Again.
Or still...
But for a different reason.
Another.
Because the soap that lathers my body lathered his.
Edward's.
It was still damp from him.
In my shower.
That he was naked and wet in.
Yesterday and today.
And that I was.
Yesterday.
In his hands.
In a cool bath.
That he made for me.
Like the soup.
That both make me smile.
Like my bottle of shampoo.
With its top closed.
Closed by Edward.
After he used it.
On me.
And himself.
I know because I always leave it open.
The one thing I do.
And always curse myself for because sometimes water gets inside.
He closed it.
So none could get in.
The one bottle of shampoo in my shower.
Because one's enough.
For me.
And for him.
Who didn't bring his own.
That I know is only one, too.
Because he's different than him.
The abandoner.
In every way.
He doesn't need more than I have.
Or than I am.
He just wants more.
Of me.
Wants me to give it.
Share it.
With him.
Knows I want to, but doesn't know why I won't.
Or can't.
Or am afraid to.
Why I'm keeping him waiting.
Outside.
Like now...
When I feel a burst of cool because he opens the bathroom door.
"Bella, are you okay?"
"Yeah."
"Are you sure? You've been in here a long time."
Am I sure?
I am about him.
"Yeah... I'm sure. But thanks for checking on me."
"Thanks? And checking, not stalking? That's progress."
"I pay attention to things, too, Edward."
"Good. And you're welcome. Need any help?"
If Alice and Jasper weren't in my house, I'd say yes.
But they are.
"No, I have it under control. Besides... I think your help would exhaust me. And you told me to save my energy. I'm being compliant."
"You pick the worst moments to listen to me sometimes... "
"There are better ones to come... I hope."
"I hear you, Bella. And there are."
"I meant for you to. I even said it out loud."
"Thank you."
"You're welcome. Now, get out. I'll be out in a minute."
"Okay. I'll go... this time. But I won't be far."
"Good. I like you near."
"Stellar progress."
It's the least I could do...
After everything he did.
And everything he's still here doing...
I wait for the click of the door before I turn the water off.
Glance once more at the bar of soap.
And the bottle of shampoo.
That I remembered to close.
This time.
Because I'm learning.
Trying.
Making progress.
That I know made him smile even though I couldn't see his face.
Like the smile on mine now as I step out and see his toothbrush next to mine.
Green.
Not yellow.
Wet.
Not dry.
And here.
…
...
The U-Haul trailer isn't parked in Edward's driveway anymore.
It left.
Like my flu.
In the light of day.
Sort of.
It was almost dark.
Twilight...
But I could see it.
When it went.
That's the important thing.
And that it left empty.
And that I wasn't.
Left empty.
I wasn't left at all.
I was taken.
And held.
My hand in Edward's as I sat beside him in his Tahoe.
The trailer dragged behind us en route to its final resting place.
Final until the next person says goodbye.
To something.
Or someone.
Or somewhere.
Like Edward did...
When he left Chicago.
Said goodbye to it.
And hello to here.
And to me.
Hello and so much more...
Like "You're coming with me".
He said that before we left with it.
Because a panic came over me when it was hitched and ready to go.
A panic I tried to hide but that he saw.
Because Edward sees everything.
Almost...
But that he definitely did.
Saw and tried to ease.
"You'll never watch me leave, Bella."
He said that, too.
And I laughed.
Not the funny kind of laugh...
And he knew it wasn't.
And I knew that laugh opened another door.
Or a window.
Into me.
I didn't mean for it to.
But it did.
I did.
For him.
And I know he knew I did.
And that he couldn't wait to jump through it.
But he did...
Wait.
For a little while.
Until we'd dropped off the U-Haul.
And picked up some dinner for Figaro.
And for us.
But now that we're settled...
Sort of...
And our bellies are full...
And his boxes aren't...
Except the one that Figaro plays in...
And the one between us...
The last box...
His, not mine...
The one he pulls his coffee maker out of...
The coffee maker that brings the panic back...
The panic that he sees...
He's jumping in.
"I don't knock on your door every morning for the coffee, Bella."
"Don't you?"
"No. I knock on your door because I want in."
"For coffee... "
"For you."
"Me... "
"Yes, you. I want inside, Bella. And you can let me in, or I can force my way, but I will get there."
I grab the coffee maker from his hands and start for his kitchen. "Keep it in your pants, Mr. Arrogant, you'll get there if and when I say you will. Now... where do you want this?"
I feel him behind me...
Close...
Right on my heels...
Stalking...
Sending shivers up my spine...
But I don't stop until I reach the counter.
That he pins me against.
His chest hard against my back.
His voice low in my ear...
"I'll get everywhere, Bella. There's no if about it, and you know it. And you want it."
"Is here okay?" I ask, my voice shaky from his words. And him...
"I'll take you anywhere you want me to... but the first time won't be here. Or like this... " He grinds himself against me, his fingertips brushing my hair from my neck, his breath hot on it, " ...because the first time I take you, you're going to be looking at my face. And know who's with you. And who's making you scream."
Fuck...
Seriously...
Just... fuck.
"I w-was... I meant the coffee maker. Is it okay. Here. On the counter."
"I know what you meant, Bella. And I don't care where you put it. I won't be using it very often."
"And me?" I ask, unable not to.
He spins me around, his hands as quick as the anger I see on his face. "Use you? Is that what you think I'm doing? For what purpose would I use you, Bella? My amusement?"
"I didn't mean... "
"What? You didn't mean what?"
"I don't know."
"You know. You know exactly. You just refuse to speak what's on your mind. Refuse to let yourself."
"That's not true. I-"
"You give me snippets. You tease... but you always pull it back. Or cover it up and try to hide it. Well, let me explain something to you. That shit's not going to work with me. I don't like secrets. Secrets are like lies. Truths not told. And I won't accept that from you. My job isn't my life, Bella. At the end of the day, I want to leave it. And I expect the person I want to leave it for to let me. And be happy that I am. And trust why I am. And want to accept it. And give it freely in return, not play games."
"I'm not... You said you'd force your way in... if-"
"Yes, I did, and I will if I have to. But I don't want to have to. I won't trust you if I have to. You want me to trust you, believe me you do. You want to spend your nights with the man, not the agent. I promise you that."
I do. More than you could imagine...
"Tell me something, Bella. Give me a truth. One piece I don't have to dig to uncover."
One piece.
That's what he's asking for.
But how do I do that?
How do I give him one that connects to all?
The pieces are like a puzzle...
They all fit together.
Every one it its place next to another.
They only fit one way.
And all connect to form the whole.
A picture.
Good or bad...
A picture of me.
That's what he wants.
One piece that will lead to more.
Until it's full.
Clear.
Complete.
How do I give him that?
How do I give him anything?
Without him wanting more.
The rest.
The all.
That would lead to the end.
Of us.
And of me.
Who he's staring at waiting for the first piece.
"I... uh... "
"Is it so hard?"
I wish it wasn't.
But it is.
I wish I could just be happy...
Without being afraid.
Be compliant.
To him.
Who I know doesn't want to hurt me.
But who doesn't know that I've given him no choice.
He doesn't know.
But I do.
And that's why it's so hard.
Because the longer I keep him out.
He'll stay in.
I wish he understood that.
Somehow.
Wish he didn't misread it.
And the stupid things I say.
Like what I said.
I don't know why I did...
The thing that made him mad.
And that should have.
And that probably hurt him.
Something I never want to do.
But know I will.
Because I gave myself no choice.
Before he was even here.
Because someone left me.
Two someones.
But maybe I can give him something.
One piece.
The first one.
It might be enough.
I hope.
And I do...
"My mother left us when I was seven years old. Me and my dad. In the middle of the night. While we were sleeping. We woke up to find her gone. And she never came back. And I'm sorry, Edward. For whatever that's done to me."
And the next.
