I know what some of you want... but like Bella, you'll have to wait. But here's what you can have now... a bunch of words. Theirs and mine. And some doubt.
Chapter Seventeen: Consumed
Edward's Tahoe pulled away over an hour ago.
And I still haven't moved an inch.
From where he left me.
I'm stuck again.
Only this time...
He isn't coming to carry me away.
Isn't coming to make me move.
Make me...
Anything at all.
He already did that.
He made me.
And then he left.
He. Left.
He left me.
While I watched.
The one thing I never wanted to see...
From him.
He made me.
…
…
"Bella? Sweetheart? What are you doing?"
"I... don't... he... made me... "
"You don't what? Who made you, honey? What did they make you do?"
"Edward... "
"He made you what, Bella?"
"He made me... he... and then he left... He left... "
I can't get the words out.
Can't explain.
But I don't have to.
I see my pain reflected back at me in these deep blue eyes before me.
Pain I've seen before.
Pain I once inflicted.
In the same.
"Come on, sweetheart, let's go inside."
"I... I can't. He... I... "
"Bella, it's raining. It's pouring rain, and you're drenched. And it's cold. You're shivering, and your teeth are chattering... "
I reach up and feel my cheeks with my trembling, empty hand. My skin is wet... icy... the scorching tears gone.
But I still feel them. The way they burned. The way they...
"I... I didn't feel it... the rain... I didn't... I couldn't... He... "
"Okay. It's okay, darlin."
I turn back to the empty road...
Search it until I can't see it anymore.
Until familiar arms carry me away from it.
Arms I said goodbye to...
Arms...
That even though I did, came back.
Arms that are still here.
Or again.
Still open.
Always.
For me.
"Why are you here?" I ask as he sets me on my feet and closes the door.
"I'm working on a new case," he says, taking off his jacket and dropping it in a wet heap on the entry floor.
"Oh."
"Actually, that's not true... " His words trail off as he walks through my living room and disappears down the hall, but then he's coming back, a towel in his hand. "It's not new. It's an old one. And very important to me."
"Is it me?" I ask as he brings the towel to my hair.
"It's always been you, Bella. You know that."
"He left."
"You need to get out of those wet clothes."
"Did you know that? That he left?"
"Yes, honey."
"I watched him go."
"Bella... "
"I watched... this time. I could see... "
"It's not the same, sweetheart. This time."
"No... he didn't sneak away when my eyes were closed. They were open. I saw him. He-"
"Go put on something dry and we'll talk about it, okay?"
"It hurts, Jasper. To see... "
"I think you're confused about what you saw, honey."
The burning tears return to my cheeks.
Because I want him to be right.
And I look to the door, willing it to open...
Willing Edward to walk through it...
But it stays closed.
The one I opened for him...
Doesn't open for me.
And then, just like the empty road, I can't see it anymore.
Because I'm pulled away from it.
And down my hallway, that's just as empty.
And into my bedroom.
Where I never asked him to come.
Never gave him the invitation he was waiting for.
Edward...
Before he wasn't.
I look at the bed...
The one no man has ever slept in...
The gift to myself.
The one covered in feathers...
That I laid my head on...
And my body beneath...
As I dreamt of them fluttering around me...
And him.
The man whose need for me would have sent them flying into passionate chaos around us.
Before they settled like gentle kisses on our skin.
Skin that's getting cold now.
And exposed.
Like my heart.
Because Jasper is removing my dripping wet clothes.
While I stand frozen.
And silent.
Unable to ask him not to.
Or tell him.
But unable to do it myself.
Or let go of all that I have left...
Of him.
"Open your hand, sweetheart," he whispers softly to me. And then not so softly to someone else, "Help me, baby. She's... "
I turn my head...
Follow his plea...
Alice's eyes are wide. She's standing in the doorway. Watching...
Her husband...
The man she loves beyond reason.
Stripping the clothes from the woman he once loved the same...
And still does.
But not.
I hope.
And that she knows that.
That it's not the same.
Not quite...
And think she does when she rushes into the room.
And grasps my tightly closed fist in her hands.
The fist that keeps the last bit of wet fabric on my skin.
"What do you have, honey?"
I open it at her gentle prying.
And reveal the silver key.
The one that's made an indent in my skin.
Like he did.
When he put it there.
And before.
"Edward... "
"He's worried about you, Bella. We're going to just put it right here for just a second, okay?"
I try to close my hand around it again, but my movement is too slow. I watch helplessly as she takes the key from my palm and lays it on the bed. And then turns and runs to the dresser as Jasper pulls the sleeve over my now open hand.
That feels too empty...
But then I realize suddenly that Alice's words weren't.
"Worried? Edward? Is worried? About me?"
"Yes, honey. He called me. I didn't hear my phone... but I heard the message a few minutes ago. Saying that he had to leave... and that he was worried about you."
"He called me, too," Jasper adds, taking the sweatshirt from Alice's hands and pulling it over my head. "And you... several times, he said. He said you weren't answering your phone. And that you were upset when he left. And worried doesn't begin to describe how he sounded, sweetheart."
"It's why you came?"
"Yes," he says, grabbing my hand and guiding it into my sleeve.
"You don't even like him," I say, as he does the same with the other.
"Step in," Alice says softly, holding a pair of sweats at my feet.
Jasper grabs the key from my bed as I reach for it and puts it in my hand, then holds on to me as I do what she says.
"That's more of a professional issue," he says, tucking a strand of my wet hair behind my ear. "But I'll give credit where it's due. Where it's been earned... He's good for you. And to you. His calling me proves that. Though I already knew. I'd already seen."
"But he's gone... "
"And when he can, he'll come back."
"You think he'll come back? You didn't tell me that the last time someone left me."
"Because I didn't believe it then. And because I'd never lie to you. Because I love you. And because I do... I can see when someone else does, too."
"You think he... "
"Yes, sweetheart. I do."
I look from him to Alice...
She's not looking at me.
But then she is...
And she nods her head, taking my empty hand in one of hers, and her husband's in the other. "As much as we do, I think."
…
…
"You can go now," I whisper against Jasper's shoulder as I gaze at the steady flames before us.
Alice is on the other side of me on the couch, lazily running a brush through my long ago untangled and barely damp now hair.
"I'll go when I know he's gotten your message, and calls you back."
Alice leans her head against me - mimicking my position against him - with a sigh, "He'll call soon."
She played me the message he left her as Jasper built the fire, and my fear subsided a bit at the sound of his voice. And the true worry and concern I heard in it. And regret, I thought...
Which I knew I heard when I listened to the several he left me. While I stood staring down the empty street he left behind.
I robbed myself of something again.
Him.
While I let myself drown in the pain of watching him go.
I wanted him to take me from there...
But was oblivious to the fact that he was trying to do just that.
One of his messages proved it.
And something else I didn't need it to to know.
That he knows too much.
"I know you're still standing there. I know you're stuck again. In that place where you're afraid. And I know that you need me to help you again... but I can't if you don't let me. I can't if you don't hear me. Hear me, Bella. Hear what you need. It's there... even though I'm not."
I'm listening now, Edward...
Please...
Don't leave me with silence.
Because that...
I'm afraid of hearing.
And terrified...
Of not.
…
…
"Hi."
"Hello, beautiful."
"I'm sorry about earlier... I wasn't in hearing distance of my phone."
"I know."
"But then help came. And I let it. And then I listened. And heard. And now I'm here. Where I am. But you know that, too... I imagine."
"Yes I do. But Bella... I don't want you imagining anything. While I have a great admiration and respect for what your mind can conjure up, I'd like you to keep it clear about me. And focused on what you know, rather than imagine."
"Knowing is hard for me, Edward. Sometimes... "
"It's hard for all of us," Jasper whispers, and kisses my cheek. "But you should listen to him. What he wants you to know won't hurt you."
I smile at him as he stands up and grabs Alice's hand, pulling her up and with him as he heads for the door. "Call me if you need anything, Bella. I mean it. Anything."
"Thank you," I call to him, blowing him a kiss as he backs out the door. "And thank you," I say to Edward, "... or I might still be standing out there in the rain knowing nothing but what watching you leave felt like."
"I'm going to pretend - for just a minute - that I didn't just hear you blow him a kiss. Because what I heard after that... Bella, if that's the only thing I've done that you can remember with me out of your space, then I'm hailing a cab and heading straight back to the airport. To get back in it."
I wish you would. "Of course it's not. I remember every single thing... that you've done... or said... It's why watching you leave was so... " I look up as Alice comes back through the door. Her eyes are instantly on me, and exactly what flows from my lips... "... hard."
"Well, I want you to remember every single thing... but more than anything right now, I want you to remember one. I want you to remember me telling you that I'll come back. And to believe me. To know that you can when I tell you something."
"How's your... brother?"
"Not important right now."
"But he's why you went. Why you left... "
"Do you want to ask me something, Bella?"
"Yes."
"Okay."
"But not now."
"Why not now?"
"It's not the time."
"If you have a question... or a doubt, Bella... then it is. Because questions left unasked and unanswered become something else...
"Doubt left to breathe will grow. Until it's bigger than what you know. And consumes you. Consumes everything.
"I won't let you have doubts about me, Bella. Certainly not when I'm not there to erase them. Ask the question."
I glance to the door, where the one person I've never doubted walked through only moments ago.
The one.
And then I look to Alice...
Who isn't quite.
Because no matter what I did for her...
No matter what I gave her...
I know that there's a part of her...
A small part...
That isn't so small right now...
That doubts me.
Even though she shouldn't.
"Bella?"
"Yes, Edward. You're right... Questions shouldn't be left unasked. And doubt should never be left to sit and breathe. Grow into something bigger... "
Alice gives a small laugh at my words, and my steady gaze at her, where she sits beside me again. Because no matter what her doubts are, she's still my best friend. And won't leave me. Not after what she saw. And what else...
I grab a cigarette from the pack in front of me and hold it out to her. She takes it, and a deep breath while I grab one for myself, and then light them both before asking my question."... It's just... You said once that you were an only child. When I asked you if you were. But now you have a brother... "
"I didn't even realize that I... Bella, I'm sorry. And I wish you'd have asked me that before I left."
"Well, I didn't. But I'm asking you now."
"I remember that conversation... I believe you were pointing out certain characteristics of my 'personality'. That I was spoiled, if I remember correctly, was your point. An only child... who'd never had to share his toys... which I told you was the truth. Because it was. Is...
"I was an only child. And I never had to share my toys. The family I have now wasn't my family then. I lost my parents when I was young. And then I lived with my grandparents until they died. My brother Emmett had been my best friend since we were young boys. We were inseparable up until the time that my parents died and I went to live with my grandparents, who lived a long way from Chicago.
"And I'll explain it all to you when I come back, but the short version is... I wasn't old enough to be on my own when my grandmother died. And I had no other family. I would have went into the system...
"Emmett's parents adopted me so that wouldn't happen, something - though I was unaware of it at the time - that my grandmother had asked of them not long after she became ill. And the day she died, my childhood best friend became my brother."
"Oh. I... I'm sorry, Edward. I-"
"Don't be sorry, Bella. It looked like I lied to you."
"No... I just didn't understand."
"Of course you didn't. You couldn't. And I left you with that... thinking I'd lied to you, and then leaving for it... It's my fault. And I'm very, very sorry."
"It's okay. It makes sense now. But I'd like to point out that we don't do enough talking about you."
"A fair and valid point."
"So, your brother... you're not close anymore? You don't seem... "
"No. And that's a question I will answer in more depth later, if that's okay? Because this really isn't the time for that."
"Of course."
"Are you okay?"
"Yes. I'm okay."
"Not stuck anywhere?"
I look again at Alice, and find her eyes already on me. Her doubt...
Yes, but not with you... "No. I'm not stuck anywhere. Not anymore."
"Good. I was very worried about you."
"Is it okay that I like that?"
"More than okay."
"And that I miss you? Ridiculously? Even though you've only been gone hours?"
"You're making it really hard for me not to go hail that cab."
"I might like that, too. That it's hard for you. It makes me feel a little less-"
"There you are. Come back inside, Edw-"
The new voice in our conversation is now muffled.
Or maybe it's his...
And mine has left me.
Just like he did.
Alone...
It's how I feel.
Even though I'm not.
And what I was going to say...
"I'm sorry about that. It makes you feel a little less...?"
Before I didn't. "Nothing. It wasn't important."
Because he isn't...
What I wanted to say.
Before what I did.
Before I lied.
"Bella-"
"I'm keeping you from something... "
"I'm where I want to be."
And it's not here with me... "I need to let you go anyway."
He sighs, but doesn't fight. "I'll call you later. Be where you can hear me."
I was...
Before you left.
And left me with...
"Goodbye, Edward."
…
…
"Feeling better?"
"About Edward? Clearer, I suppose." Lies are so easy...
"I'm glad, Bella. It was hard to see you so... so... "
"It was no different than if it had been you, Alice."
"I don't know what you're talking about."
Just like that one is for her. And not at all. "Yes you do. I'm talking about what you saw. When you walked into my bedroom."
"Oh, you mean when I saw my husband undressing the woman he loves?"
"You're the woman he loves, Alice."
"Yes, but not the only."
"I was in another place. It wasn't-"
"I know that. You were in another place. But Jasper wasn't. He was right here. In your place."
"Being a friend."
"Wishing he was more."
"That's not true."
"Yes it is, Bella. He'd never do anything... because he'd never betray me like that. He's too good of a man. But it doesn't mean he doesn't think about it. About you. The woman he never would have left if you hadn't have made him."
"He loves you, Alice. You're his wife. His life. The one he wants. The one he knows is meant for him. The only."
"You mean the one you chose for him?"
"I didn't choose for him. I just showed him where to look. He chose on his own."
"You can try to spin it any way you like, but the truth will never change, Bella. Like I heard you tell Edward... that knowing was hard sometimes for you... Well, knowing will always be hard for me. Because I know I was, and will always be, Jasper's second choice."
"That's not true. You-"
"Don't want to talk about it anymore."
"Alice-"
"No more!"
"But you're wrong."
"No, Bella, I'm not. But it's okay... I've been living with it for years. And as long as you're in love with someone else, and as long as my husband knows that you are, I'll continue to live with it.
"You're not the only one here who wants Edward to come back. And you're not the only one whose heart would be shattered if he didn't. My whole life depends on it. Because you wouldn't come back from this one. Not on your own. Not to live yours...
"Not without mine."
