Chapter Twenty Two: Instincts
"Say it again," he orders, his hands making me feel every second of desperation he felt after the first time I said it.
"I need you," I declare with shameless compliance, because I'll give him anything he wants.
Anything...
Which I know at this moment is only me.
Bare, needy me.
Bare because of him, who stripped me of my clothes as fast as his fingers could move.
His fingers that now hold his key as it lays revealed against my skin. "I'm sorry I left you, Bella. And thought that leaving you with this would be enough."
"It's more than anyone else ever left me with," I tell him, not caring that I shouldn't.
"That doesn't make it okay."
"But you came back, and that does."
"Don't make it too easy for me, Bella. I'm prepared to do the work."
"So says your mouth."
"Is that a challenge, Miss Swan?"
"Did it sound like one?"
"It absolutely did."
"Well, then by all means you should trust your instincts, Agent Cullen."
"Remember those words, Bella... when you're begging me to have mercy on you."
His words give me a frightening glimpse into the future...
A different one than he meant.
The one that might be mine if he ever bares my everything...
Reveals the mercy that I didn't have...
But I push it away and focus on the here and now...
Watch him as he unbuttons his shirt, takes it off and throws it to the floor, all the while his eyes not leaving mine.
And still not as he moves to his belt...
That my eyes can't help but flash to as he unholsters his gun from it.
His gun.
His gun that they follow as he lays it on the nightstand.
My nightstand. In my house. Where I tossed my bloody gloves to burn in my fireplace.
Did they?
Did the flames rise high enough and burn strong enough and long enough to destroy them?
Or do they lie there waiting to destroy me?
Like his gun beside me if...
If...
No...
I can't think about if.
Not now.
Not after he came back to me.
And after something else left me.
I can't.
I...
"Bella?"
"No... "
"Hey... " He's hovering over me suddenly, my chin cupped in his hand, and my fear in clear view, while his gun is no longer in mine. "You're not afraid of me, are you? Or that?" he asks softly, gesturing towards the hard steel.
"No. I... I'm sorry... I don't know what's wrong with me."
He lets out a heavy breath, and anger settles over every feature of his face. "Well, I think I do. And I'm sorry. Again... Fuck! I'm such an asshole!"
He's off of the bed - and his hands off of me - so quickly that I feel like I've been slapped.
But I don't let its sting take my movement away. I fly up and crawl to the edge of the bed. "What are you doing? Please don't leave again. I can't-"
"Leave? Bella, I'm not leaving. It's the last thing in the world I'd do. And what I did is the last thing I should have. I-"
"What you did? I don't understand. Please come back. I want you... I want you so much... "
He comes back to me quickly, but with the clothes he ripped off of me just moments ago in his hands, ignoring my pathetic pleading for him, and putting them on me as frantically as he took them off.
"I'm beyond honored that you do... but I had no right to assume. After what I did... no right at all to storm in here with you in my arms and expect you to give me anything. Or want anything from me but to see me on my knees begging for your forgiveness. I had no right, Bella."
No right? How... "Well, I think you did. And I do want you, Edward. And loved that you wanted me so much that you stormed in here with me in your arms expecting me to give you something. Me, who - if I may point out - offered you absolutely no resistance when you did. And even issued you a challenge when-"
"But you said you needed me. And I even made you say it again. Heard, and saw this time, the words come uninhibited from your lips... and still-"
"Still wanted me?"
"Yes. Enough to let it blind me to what you needed."
"I need you."
"I'm here. And I won't go anywhere again. Unless you order me away."
"I'll never do that, Edward. You here is what I want. And I mean want in every way there is to mean it."
"There's time, Bella. For all of those ways that there are... and for me to earn them back from you."
"What if there's not? What if tonight is all we have?" I ask, because I can't not. Because the truth of it is too real to deny. Too damaging to try to hide.
"There is. And tonight isn't all... because tonight isn't a lifetime. And that... is how long I'll work to earn the right to share mine with you. Though I don't, and won't dare, assume that you want to. I-"
"A lifetime?" I ask, because again... but not at all... "Your lifetime? You want... to... me... you... "
"Well, there's a preposition or two missing from that, my stunningly beautiful writer-girl, but yes. I do."
"And my bullshit detector doesn't need new batteries? It's supposed to be this quiet?"
"It will never make another sound, Bella. Not as long as you can hear me."
"I like hearing you."
"That's good, because I owe you some talking."
"You do."
"And I promise you'll get it. You'll get it all... "
"Edward?"
"Yes, Bella?"
"I want it all now."
He opens his mouth, but his eyes warn me of its protest, so I put my fingers to his lips. "Please?"
His lips that pucker adorably against them, before he reaches up and pulls them away. "You never have to say that to me."
"I know I'm pathetic, I-"
"And you better never say that to me again."
"Then tell me what I can... what will make you say yes... have mercy on me... Because this is me begging you to... needing you to... "
It's his fingers at my lips now...
My protest silenced.
My pathetic pleading hushed.
And mercy promised as he rests his forehead against mine. "I missed you, Bella. And the things you say. Don't fight to hold in anymore. Let just pour out... I was lost without your crazy beautiful mouth."
I reach up for his hand this time, and he lets me pull it free. "Crazy, beautiful or crazy beautiful?" I ask him, because there's a difference, and I want to know which he meant.
"Which did you hear?" he asks, a crazy beautiful smile spreading across his face.
"I heard crazy beautiful," I answer, because I did, and desperately want it to be the way he meant it.
"Then by all means, you should trust your instincts, Bella. And your ears."
"My ears weren't just hearing what I wanted them to?"
"No. They heard truth. Because you finally learned to let them."
"Truth has a nice sound."
"I couldn't agree more."
"I want you, Edward."
"I want you, too, Bella."
"Then show me." Please show me...
There's no protest in his hands - and none comes from his lips - as he cradles my face with both. Sweetly. Gently. With want that comes purely from something more. Something deeper.
Want that strips me bare again, to give me what I need.
This man wants to share his life with me. The whole of it. I know I heard that. Trust my ears with the sound of it, that was so much more than nice...
But the gun on the table that I refuse to look at... his gun... is a cold, hard reminder that we may not have that lifetime he wants to share with me.
Because of my crazy, but not so beautiful...
And the others... the pair of reminders I tried to destroy... but never checked to see if I had... they tell me that the lifetime he wants now could be nothing more than a night. This night.
And I want all of him that I can get. For as long as he'll give it to me. Himself. His whole. That he gives me now as his tongue slips into my mouth... wanted and welcomed... like the other part of him that slips slowly and gently inside of me. And he burrows deeper into my heart. Movements gentle and fierce all at once.
The burrowing is relentless. Shows no mercy. While the rest...
Dances with me... with tenderness and love.
Somethings he's shown me but hasn't said. And I pray now... plead... beg... silently... that my ears will hear that sound before this lifetime he wants with me comes to an end.
Because I don't need to hear goodbye anymore.
From anyone.
Never want to see or hear it again from him.
Never did.
There's only one thing I need to hear now.
Words that can heal me.
Three words...
Instead of one.
…
…
"Bella!"
Jasper? What the...
"Bella, where are you?"
I jump from the bed as quickly as my body will move, which isn't quick at all, apparently, because Edward is zipping his pants before my feet even touch the floor.
"Stay here," he orders and rushes from my bedroom, slamming the door behind him.
"What the hell are you doing?"
"Where is she?"
"It's the middle of the fucking night, she's in bed. Why are you in her house?"
"Is she alright?"
"I asked you a fucking question, Whitlock."
"Your Tahoe is running outside with the door wide fucking open, and the lights on!"
"And that concerns you because?"
"Because she concerns me! And I want to see that she's alright! Bella!"
"I'm right here, Jasper," I say quietly as I walk into the hall. "And I'm fine."
Edward's hands are on me instantly, pulling me into his side. "I told you to stay in there," he says with irritation, that seems to dissolve a little as his eyes fall to his shirt, which I put on because I couldn't find where mine had been thrown.
"Well, I didn't want any blood in my hallway... "
"What happened?" Jasper asks impatiently, though I'm sure my appearance deems it unnecessary for him to.
"Nothing... " I answer, but then add to it, because it was far from. "Nothing bad, I mean. Nothing for you to worry about. Or bust in here for."
"The door wasn't locked," he says, in defense of his trespassing. "And Edward's truck outside-"
"Is none of your concern," Edward finishes for him. "Why are you here? Shouldn't you be at home in bed with your wife? Instead of here, where you're not? And put that gun away, Detective."
"I'm here because there was a murder. A double murder, actually. Which is why I'm not in bed with my wife."
Oh God...
"And that has what to do with Bella?"
Don't ask that question, Edward... You don't want to know the answer. And I don't want you to...
But the way Jasper is staring at me tells me his answer isn't the one I fear before he says a word. "The victims... were a husband and wife... one of whom has a surprising connection to Bella."
"What connection?" Edward asks, his arm tightening around me.
"Bella... " Jasper says to me, instead of Edward. "The woman was your mother."
"I don't have a mother," I say, knowing that Jasper, of all people, will accept that response and not question the coldness of it.
"I know, sweetheart... but I thought that maybe you'd want to know that you have a sister."
I do know... "A sister."
"Yes. A little sister. She's seven years old, and just had her whole world turned upside down while she slept. Something I know you can understand... "
"I can."
"I know. And I know this is a lot to throw at you, and in the middle of the night, no less, but she doesn't have anyone else, Bella. She's a little girl who's all alone in the world now, except for-"
"No she's not."
"I was going to take her home... Alice and I have done it once or twice before... just for a night. We have a close friend who works for the Department of Human Services... and she's been assigned to the case... But we know who this little girl is... and-"
"You want to bring her here."
"Yes. Well, I thought that you might... It's up to you, honey. No one's forcing you... "
"No... I just didn't think... "
"You didn't think? You didn't think what?"
"What?"
"You said you just didn't think. What didn't you think, Bella?"
Shit. "I... I... um... "
"You want to give her a few minutes to digest it all, Whitlock? Instead of-"
"It's okay, Edward... " I just really didn't think... at all... "I just meant that I didn't think... when you said I had a sister... after you said her parents were murdered... "
"Of course, honey. I'm sorry. And I meant what I said... no one's forcing you. To-"
"No. Of course you can bring her here."
"Are you sure?"
I nod and look up at Edward, whose warm smile calms me instantly. "But I could use a few minutes... to... "
"Yeah," Jasper clears his throat uncomfortably, his eyes definitely taking in my appearance this time. And Edward's. "You probably want to change, or something... "
"Yeah, I should at least give Edward his shirt back since we have a guest coming... Another one, I mean."
"Well, I understand if you don't want to be alone with her, Bella, but-"
I know he's about to suggest that Edward leave, but whether he does or he doesn't will be Edward's choice, not his, and I cut him off before he can say the words out loud. And because a perfect reason to just rubbed against my leg.
"You don't know if she's allergic to cats, do you?" I ask him, picking Figaro up. "My mother - that wasn't -" Yes, that, not who... "was allergic to cats."
"No, I don't know." He watches as Edward reaches up and scratches Figaro's head, and takes the opportunity to make his interrupted point. "But if she is, I'm sure Edward would be willing to take him home with him for a night... when he goes. Which-"
"Is his choice. If he does or not."
"I meant what I said, Bella," Edward says softly, before kissing the top of my head. "I'm not going anywhere again unless you order me away."
"I'm glad you did." And pray you don't forget... "Now, I'm going to go tidy things up, and myself, so that you can have your shirt back... because you really should be wearing one when you meet my little sister."
"Shouldn't you have said we?" Jasper asks, catching my mistake instantly.
"What?" I say, feigning confusion.
"You said when you meet my little sister. Instead of when we."
"Well, of course I'll have a shirt on, Jasper." Please let it go...
"Of course you will. And of course that's what you meant... "
Just like that. "You need some sleep," I tell him, "I make more sense to you when you're not so tired."
He smiles and I turn and rush back into the bedroom and close the door behind me, taking Figaro with me. Because a smile is what I want to remember seeing on Jasper's face. And because what put it there is something I didn't want to see on Edward's, whose shirt I take off quickly, and - after bringing it to my nose and inhaling deeply - open the door just enough to toss into the hallway to him.
Because I can still hear them in it.
A place I don't want them.
Because I want them outside.
So that I can check on something in.
Before I tidy everything up.
Something I'm reminded of as I trip on Edward's shoes on my floor.
Somethings he'll need to go where I want him to before he comes back to the place I do most.
Again.
So I open the door again and toss them outside of it with a thud.
And hear him laugh.
And then not.
"Change your mind, beautiful? Should I take these as an order?" he calls through the door.
"No to the first part, yes to the second!" I call back. "Go outside and turn off your truck! Because I want to see it sitting there because you want it to be, not because it has to because it ran out of gas or the battery went dead!"
"Whatever you say, crazy beautiful," he calls back, though I can tell that he's right outside the door this time, and doesn't have to yell it.
And then it's quiet, and I find my shirt and put it on and rush from the room and to the fireplace.
Where someone is already crouching down in front of.
"I was just coming to do that," I say, surprised that I can say anything at all.
"It's okay, darlin, I got it."
That's what I'm afraid of...
And what you'll do with it if you do...
Detective.
xx
I know this may not have gone as far as some hoped it would, but it's my story, so...
Just like another is. One I'm told really isn't. But, like that one, no one has to keep reading it if they don't like it. Or the how - or how much - of it I choose to give. But, if anyone's interested in knowing it, there's not a lot of this one left. I won't give an exact number of chapters, or time frame, but unless WYCYE or CFoW (most possibly) beat it to it, it will be the first of my WIPs to complete. That's what my instinct tells me, anyway, so...
See you next time. Or not.
