So after the cliffhangerlast chapter, it was pretty much the worst timing ever for me to then have you guys had to go through an extra long wait. But I will just remind everyone that not all hope is lost yet. There are still quite a number of chapters left in this story, so anything can still happen.
There was only one rule in the apocalypse that unified survivors. You could kill, you could steal and you could pillage, but the one thing you must never do is get bit. That's a crime you can't come back from. If someone wants you to suffer, they'll force you to wait it out. The process is agonizing, he had heard. Jace had witnessed the horror in Max and countless others. It was always with a morbid curiosity that one would lie awake at night and wonder: what if? What if I hadn't been fast enough? What if I had stopped to save them? What if they had gotten just one inch closer? What if I wasn't strong enough? What if what if what if WhaT iF? One always wondered how long they would last. The longer you live, the more afraid you are. It never gets easier, only harder.
Jace remembered a night, not long after he had first set out on his own, when all he did was wonder and ask what ifs. There was no one else there who would protect him if it came down to it. No one who had his back. And, he wondered what it would feel like? Would there be a certain calm that came with knowing your time was over and you could now depart without shame? Would the pain be too great to bear? Would the transition be slow enough that you become so blended with the demon taking over that you lose track of where you end and where the monster begins?
Maybe there had been a time when Jace thought he could accept his fate. But now, he slumped to the earth sobbing. His chest shook, his nose ran, and throughout it all, his arm throbbed. A reminder of what had happened. His screams tore through the woods, loud and guttural. And as he quaked, his fists came down upon the swelling body of the zombie that had sealed his fate.
I can't die, I can't become one of them, he cried out, as if his pleas would ring out and a god he didn't believe in would take pity upon him. I have to see Clary again. Just once, before I—
He threw up for the second time that morning.
Not now. Why now? Why? Clary needed him. He had something he needed to do. He couldn't become one of them. Not when she was out there in the hands of his worst enemy. What would happen if he were to die before he got a chance to at least say goodbye?
Jace released a shaky breath and slowly looked up. Then, he froze. In his mourning, he hadn't noticed a young couple had arrived at the scene. The two regarded him warily, partially concealed behind a grove of trees and being sure to keep a safe distance between them and him. He couldn't blame them for that. They were just doing what any survivor who had lasted this long had been taught: trust nothing and know anything is capable of being the thing that kills you. The two were close enough that Jace could catch the way their eyes flickered from his tearstained face to his bleeding arm and the zombie that lay discarded at his side. Their question was then obvious.
"Are you bitten?" It was the man who had spoken. How often had Jace asked that question himself? Now, it was his turn to slowly nod. The man looked at him with pity, though Jace noted how his body had shifted—whether intentionally or not—protectively in front of the woman with him. As Jace took the two in, he could understand why. By the subtle swelling of her stomach, he figured she was at least a few months pregnant.
"Do you want us to shoot you before it happens?" It was a gesture of common decency within the realm of the apocalypse to offer to end one's misery before they had a chance to become a monster. So many could survive the horrors of the apocalypse but would falter when it came to killing themselves after being bitten. It was the closest they had to table manners, though as humans were becoming fewer and farther between unless within a group, it wasn't as common as it once was. At least if anyone had to stumble upon him at his lowest moment, they were honorable.
At one point, Jace would have welcomed the man's offer gratefully. The worst thing that could happen to him would be to become one of them. But then, the next worse thing had happened and changed everything.
Jace shook his head. "No. I—my girlfriend was kidnapped. I have to save her first."
He felt the pity in their eyes mixed in with an uneasiness at the idea of leaving him alive where he could turn and kill more. Jace's eyes grew wet again at the thought of his body being used as a vessel to kill—not just kill, but eat—people like him. As if mirroring his thoughts, the woman's eyes shifted down to the lame brain he had killed and had killed him in return. She stiffened instantly.
"Oh my god," the woman gasped, her hands moving to cover her mouth. "William, it's…"
The man—William—turned toward her without pause, deep blue eyes fixed upon her in concern. Jace's throat felt tight at the gesture of love, reminded once more of the emptiness that ballooned in his chest at Clary's absence.
"Tess, what's wrong? Is it…" his gaze dropped pointedly to the woman's stomach. She shook her head with a squeak, though she wasn't looking at him. Her eyes were fixed upon the dead lame brain lying at his side.
"That's Jonathan. I…" she paused, looking to William as if gauging his reaction. "Well, we…I was with him before. I had always hoped he had survived."
Silent tears dribbled down her pale skin. William's eyes widened in recognition and he awkwardly moved closer to comfort her. She shrugged him off stubbornly, continuing, "for a while, I held on to hope that I would run into him and his little sister, though I never imagined it would be like this."
Jace straightened, quickly moving to his feet. Both of their gazes snapped back to him as if remembering he was still there. Jace noticed William's hand twitch closer to the gun at his side as if preparing for Jace to suddenly attack. He slowly raised his hands upwards in a sign of peace, though his gaze was on the woman. Tess, the man had called her. Like Tessa, who Clary had told him had been Jonathan's girlfriend before. Which would explain why she looked at the corpse of Jonathan the way she did. And it would mean…
"You know Clary," his voice came out rough and cracked, as though he hadn't had water in days. Tessa looked taken aback, and now her bluish grey eyes were firmly fixed upon him. Slowly, she nodded.
"Is she…" her gaze went back to look at Jonathan. Like him, he filled in. One of them.
"No, she's alive." God, he hoped she was. "But…"
Tessa's demander sobered instantly. He could tell she now understood, though beside her William looked irritably between the two.
"But what?" He grumbled, as if they were withholding a secret from him. Tessa rolled her eyes irritably.
"Leave it to you William to make this about you simply because you're too slow to understand the obvious." The dark haired man spluttered, but Tessa ignored him cooly. "His girlfriend who was kidnapped is Clary."
The words physically burned him. Was Clary technically his girlfriend? They hadn't had time to talk about what they were. But he knew it sounded so right. And hearing another repeat the reality he faced made it feel all the more inexplicably painful. He tried not to show just how much her words had affected him, but by the way William's face dropped and Tessa's lips pursed together like a worried mother hen, he had never had a chance.
At their expressions, a fresh wave of anxiety flooded over him. He was wasting time. How much farther away had Clary become while he stood there, chatting it up with strangers? Time had never been more important, as the itching red bite staring at Jace reminded him painfully.
"What if we cut off your arm?" Tessa suggested, looking at Jace. Will scoffed, cutting off any answer Jace might have had. "Tess, you know that doesn't work. Even if you've got a surgeon hacking you up, you're more likely to bleed to death or go into shock from the pain."
If Clary wasn't on the line, he would have been willing to take the risk. Anything to stop becoming one of them. He slowly shook his head.
"No, I—I'm the only one that knows where they are taking her." He remembered that camp every night. It would forever be burned into his retinas. At least, if forever meant the days he had left. That's where they would be taking her. He knew it. And he would get her back and burn that place to the ground like he should have done in the beginning.
Tessa looked at him with compassion and sorrow."Well, we want to help—"
"We do?" The pregnant woman elbowed Will in the gut with a roll of her eyes and a huff.
"We do!" William nodded enthusiastically now, a slight grimace barely visible on his handsome face. If they were in a better time, Jace thought he would have gotten along quite well with William. Tessa continued, looking back to Jace appealingly, "If there's anything we can do to help, say the word. Clary was like a little sister to me and…"
She paused, her throat tightening and her eyes watering as she looked down at the zombie. "I know if Jonathan were alive he would be doing all he could to protect her. She was always so fragile. I can't imagine how afraid she is."
Jace thought of Clary snarling and grinning while taking on a herd of lame brains; how she threw herself into a fight and saved his life more than once. And then, when his heart had felt like it was crashing out of his ribs as he witnessed her fight against Valentine and unleash the herd upon his men. Jace had been terrified and furious, but god he knew he was completely at her mercy then. It was hard to imagine the strong, reckless girl he knew as the Clary that Tessa remembered. Would his father even recognize the person he had become?
"The apocalypse changes all of us," Jace responded. "If anyone should be afraid, it's Valentine."
Jace remembered the girl in the net, all fury and curses. He could only imagine the rage she would inflict upon Valentine and whatever was left of his men.
Tessa's brow furrowed slightly, left wondering at the implication of his words. He didn't bother to clarify. Would she even want to lose the image of innocence she had held onto in her memories of before? Perhaps it was for the best that those they loved hadn't lived long enough to see what they had been forced to become. Although, he thought, maybe those they loved would've kept them grounded. Isabelle and Max had—
His mind short-circuited as he remembered Isabelle.
"Actually." Jace knew what he had to do now. "If you want to help, I know a way you could."
He was there when Isabelle began to stir. Blearily, her eyes cracked open. She hissed instantly, a hand clutching her wounded head at the brightness of the light. Jace shushed her, telling her it was alright and to take it easy. Taking care not to hurt her, he dabbed her forehead with a tattered shirt that he had wet from the nearby lake. She relaxed, visibly soothed by the cool rag against her throbbing skull.
It was a few moments of silence before she shot up once more, eyes flashing wide. A spewing of curses flew from her mouth at warp speed and, as she clutched her head, she looked at Jace with horror.
"Jace," she whispered, her voice strained and quiet with emotion.
"I know."
"They took her. I—I couldn't stop them. I tried, but we were outnumbered and—"
"I know."
She shook her head, willing for him to listen. Because he couldn't know, he couldn't understand, her eyes screamed, if he was only staring at her forlornly. Employing what she knew would wake up the man in front of her, she spoke sternly, "It was Valentine. He and a few of his men survived and they kidnapped Clary."
It just about broke her when he replied the same "I know".
"If you know," she growled, "why are you just sitting there instead of doing something! We should be hunting them down right now! Jace, what are you—"
Her words died in her throat as she watched Jace roll back his shirt sleeve and expose the same bite she recognized on her brother. She made a noise in the back of her throat—a cross between a sob and a choke. Slowly, her eyes lifted to meet his own. There were tears in her eyes, he recognized. It made his heart clench in both affection and sadness.
It was silent for a long time before Isabelle finally spoke. The words felt like being bitten all over again.
"Not you too."
"I'm sorry." Jace had always made fun of people who apologized for things they had no responsibility for. It's a way of showing empathy and compassion, Kaelie had once rolled her eyes at him with a frustrated huff. He had never seen the point. But now, there was so much he had to apologize for, though he hadn't intended to die.
I'm sorry I wasn't quick enough.
I'm sorry for leaving you alone, so soon after Max.
I'm sorry I couldn't stay to help you find your brother.
I'm sorry I failed.
Suddenly Izzy launched herself at him. He rocked backwards from her added weight, but welcomed her arms gripping him in a tight hug. Just like after his father died, Jace hadn't realized just how much he had needed a hug until she was there. She was weeping openly upon his shirt, croaking out barely audible sentiments inbetween her tears: I'll miss you. You can't go. We need you, Clary needs you.
That just about goddamn broke him. He held on, at least for the moment. He couldn't cry yet, not now. That wasn't how he wanted Isabelle to remember him. He would wait until he was alone and the sky was dark and he was cold, remembering a time when he had been warm.
He swallowed roughly, nodded a bit too forcefully, and separated himself from her. She resisted, but consented as she heard a snapping twig. It was now that she noticed two figures standing behind Jace. She immediately tensed, her eyes growing hard. Despite her injuries, she began to reach for a weapon. Jace stopped her, blocking her reaching arm. Her gaze snapped to him in betrayal.
"Jace—"
"It's okay, they aren't with Valentine. This is Will and Tessa. We can trust them."
By the continued coldness of her gaze, he knew she didn't seem so sure. Her lips were tight as she murmured, "why are they here?"
It amazed and terrified him how much she reminded him of how Clary was when they first met. Ever since the death of Max. Clary had been getting better, but would either of the two be able to recover after what was to come? It hurt him to know that he wouldn't be there to protect them. He would become yet another scar that would always remain in the past.
"I have to save Clary before…it happens. And, I can't be focused on you trying to keep you safe while you're hurt and…from me. I don't know how long I have, I can't put you in that risk. So, while I go find Clary, Tessa and Will are going to look out for you and help you keep searching for your brother."
Jace had expected Isabelle to put up a fight. This came as no surprise to him. What he hadn't foreseen was the immediate slap that knocked his head to the side in a sudden flash of heat. He cursed, but Isabelle's ragings drowned out his complaints.
"You complete, absolute dumbass! If you think you're going to pull some noble, self loathing superhero bullshit to keep me "safe" then you are sorely mistaken. Clary is my friend too, and in case you forgot, she saved me. I can't just sit around while she's in danger. Go ahead and try to keep me from helping her and you won't have to worry about the bite killing you. I'll do it myself."
Will let out a low whistle, snickering under his breath despite Tessa's valiant but futile attempts to hush him. Jace's lips pursed tightly while Isabelle stubbornly glared, daring him with her expression to even attempt keeping her from the action.
"What about Alec?" It felt like a low blow to Jace, but he had to try it anyways. Her glare faltered for just a moment before an icy mask returned once more and she cooly responded, "Now that we know Valentine is alive, he's my best lead to finding my brother. It's likely Alec is still with him."
She wagged her eyebrows at him and smirked. "Is that all you've got?"
"I could turn at any moment," he argued. "You're safer—"
"I killed my own brother. I can kill you too if I have to." Though her voice broke, she didn't relent. And it was then that Jace knew he had lost. He had never had a chance to begin with.
"Alright, you can come." Jace would never admit it, but he was grateful. He had thought she wouldn't want to be around him, knowing he was practically already gone. She didn't deserve to have to watch another killed by the apocalypse, but Jace was selfish. He didn't want to be alone when he turned. He wasn't sure he was strong enough.
Isabelle nodded, though she didn't smile. Nothing about that day warranted a smile. Jace turned back to Will and Tessa, who stood awkwardly watching the scene.
"Thank you for offering to help," he said. "But she isn't going to budge. She's stubborn like that."
Tessa's forehead creased as she frowned deeply.
"But—"
"Tess, no." William's voice flashed dangerously.
"But she's my friend, Will. I have to—"
"I know. But—" William's eyes flickered down to Tessa's swollen stomach. It was no wonder William seemed so on edge, Jace thought. Pregnancy was much more deadly than it used to be. Even if the baby lived, most of the mothers didn't. In the community, he knew many women who fell pregnant and died soon after. He suddenly felt a sort of kinship with Tessa. He was bitten and she was pregnant. They were both alive and breathing, waiting to die.
She swallowed, following William's line of sight to her stomach. Her hand moved to rest upon the curve of her belly in a subconscious act. She turned to Jace, her eyes sad and weary.
"We're going to name him Jem," she whispered. Her voice then began to shake. "I'm sorry that this has happened to you."
"I'm sorry this has happened to all of us," Jace replied. "You don't have to come with us. Just make sure that you live and you raise Jem as more than just a survivor."
Her hands went to the back of her neck, working to unclasp a gold chain and holding out a necklace with shaking hands.
"Take this," she said, pushing the necklace into his hands. As he looked at it more closely, he could see a golden angel made of clockwork. "It's carried me this far. Now it will carry you."
Jace shook his head. "I can't—"
"If I can't be there, then I'll feel better knowing that at least I can give you a guardian angel to watch over you. And, when you find Clary, give it to her. She'll know what it means."
He had spent so long on his own in the aftermath of his departure from Valentine. Always running, always hiding. Though he had tried to hope for humanity, it was difficult to remain optimistic when encompassed by a world of darkness. But meeting Tessa and William made him feel as if there was hope for humanity.
He only wished he could live to see it.
And, later that night after Jace had thanked Tessa and William and they had departed ways, Jace would stay up and look at the stars alone, remembering how just one night beforehand he had felt the warmth of Clary at his side. And he would wonder about all that he had once imagined he would no longer see. He had wanted to graduate with his friends and wave to his father at commencement. He had imagined him finally being proud of what he had accomplished. The thought of marriage and a family had never appealed to him. And then, there had been a time when he had been with Kaelie that for a brief flicker, the idea didn't seem so bad.
He hadn't been with Clary long enough. Inside he screamed for justice, because he knew he had been robbed. Because he had imagined himself with her. And seeing Tessa had made him wonder whether that could have ever been in the cards for him and Clary. Maybe one day, way down the line there could have been a cure, a new world. An after. And there, they could have made it.
There would have been so many nights they would have spent together; so many simple, quiet moments that would have made him forget to be afraid. She would have continued to challenge him and he would have done the same. They could have grown together. His mind would continue to concoct thousands of possible scenarios the two could have would have should have shared, but now all he could hope was that he would see her again before he died.
That night, as his skin began to itch and he felt a fire blazing beneath his skin, Jace knew his time was running out. The effects of the bite were starting to kick in.
And Jace began to sob once more.
In all honesty, this chapter was difficult for me because Isabelle was originally not supposed to stay with Jace in my original planning. But as I got here, I knew it wouldn't make sense to the character for her to leave Jace behind and she still has to meet with Alec. So a lot more editing was involved here and later in the story to figure out where that leads and what purpose William and Tessa would now have. But I definitely think it's for the better. Next chapter we get to see what's going on with Clary and you'll see her point of view on her night with Jace so you'll definitely want to stay tuned.
Finals are over so you guys don't have to wait forever, but you still have to review!
-Anika
