Author's Note:
Hey out there! Now I know all you team Jacob lovers are frothing at the mouth thinking, "Damnit! Where's our wolf-boy!" I know, I know. Promise, Promise it'll be all him next chapter. Again, thanks to Trini-Li for bugging the shit out of me: "When-are-you-going-to-update." Snorts As if she can't just walk over to the other side of the room and go on to my computer and read ahead. I think she just likes seeing it up on .
Chapter 3: Repentance
September 9th 2006 Alaska
Dear Jake,
I never got to properly thank you for saving my life all those times you did and I want to do it now. I don't want to live a life with any regrets.
I still have your charm bracelet you gave me for graduation. I know that you think that the wolf you carved can't live up to the diamond heart next to it, but I think it's just as great.
I never got to apologies to you about me punching you when you kissed me either. It broke my hand but somehow I think it hurt you more. I didn't get that then. I guess it was easier for me to see in black in white terms back then. I couldn't understand that I was hurting you all the times I said I loved Edward, and then tossed you aside. I didn't mean for you to take it as that. It's just complicated. I love Edward but that doesn't mean that I should have flaunted it to you knowing that you had feelings for me. It was selfish and petty and just damn awful. I know that Edward loved so and me then did you but I wonder now why?
How can you love a monster? A true monster not something that you're forced into by your genetics in your case, or by circumstances, like Edward's. Not a monster by appearance but by actual character.
Looking at the photos from my senior year I see a true monster: a bratty, self-centered, snob who only cared about getting what she wanted even if it hurt others. I ditched the people who made friends with me when I was alone in Forks and ditched them again with Edward disappeared. I barged back into my dad's life, never taking up his offers for me to visit him until it working with my plans and spent the rest of my time they're disappearing for days leaving him worrying about my death. I almost died when Edward left me, and yet I couldn't understand how it would feel for my dad when I disappeared or did reckless things like cliff diving. I repeated that same terrible diatribe my mother used instead of anything else to run away with Edward. And then I hurt you. You my best friend who always had my back even when I didn't think I was worth it. I used you to tell me about the legend when Edward came into my life, and used you again when he left it. I manipulated you into helping me rebuild those bikes and used it to see Edward even if it meant hurting myself and thus, hurting you who cared about me.
Even Edward isn't exempt from me. I couldn't decide between the two of you so I left both of you in emotional limbo. I did things that hurt you and him and made you hate each other when you should've have hated me. He wanted to wait to get married and for me to turn because he wanted me to enjoy my last few years as a human even though the smell of my blood tormented him. All I could think about was being with him forever, never growing old, having special powers. I didn't think about the reality of it and now that the reality is fast approaching me, I wish I had listened to him when he said, "Let's wait five years. Give me five years."
In reality Edward was saying give yourself five years to figure out whether or not this relationship will work, whether or not this lifestyle will work. Maybe if things didn't work out we could divorce but I could never be the same again. I tell Edward that I can tell he has a soul and I think he does. But Edward is not me. Edward wasn't raised in our time and here I was forcing my beliefs on him to get my way. You see what I mean? Selfish, selfish, selfish. I can honestly say that I didn't mean to do these things and that I was unaware.
You may ask me why I'm saying these things about myself. I guess you could say that I am doing my best to repent for the monster I was because I don't have an exscue like Edward and you. All I can hope is that you'll forgive me.
You know I can't lie to you so I'll try to tell you as honestly as I can without scaring you: the baby is killing me. Edward is beside himself with worry and he wants to abort it and I don't know what to do.
I really wish you were here to tell me what to do or at least to tell me it's going to be ok. Edward tells me that but I can tell he doesn't believe it.
Carlisle wants to take me to a hospital since that baby is growing far too quickly and way faster than a normal fetus. But we can't since there's a chance that what they are could be discovered when they are trying to help the baby and me.
I'm writing this while the Cullins are deciding what they should do. Again, because I cannot lie to you, I'll tell you I'm scared. I'm scared for my baby and me and I want my mom and I want you here.
I have to stop writing before Edward comes back but I will post this as soon as I'm better. Again, I'm sorry.
Always thinking of you,
Bella
The next letter was a sloppily written note written on the back of a "Congratulations! It's a Girl" card:
September 10th 2006
We lost the baby
Bella
December 18th 2006
I've already sent you six letters and no reply. Billy tells my dad that you're off traveling and that you haven't opened any of them but that he's saving them until you get back.
I hope you come to Alaska so I can yell at you. Why didn't you come to see me when I was sick? I know that sounds juvenile like a kid asking their parents why they didn't get a pony for Christmas but I almost died Jake and you weren't there.
I'm sorry. I didn't mean for it to come out like that even if you probably will never read this I promised myself that I wasn't going to hurt people I cared about anymore.
Edward is far from perfect. I only tell you this because you're my best friend and I don't know who else to tell. Alice and I are close but she's understandably biased towards Edward. I have friends from my classes and I'm trying to be a better friend to them then I was to the kids back in high school, but I could never tell any of them about this even if the Volturi weren't against it.
You're the only person I can tell and the only person that could possibly understand this conversation, however one-sided, without locking me up in the loony-bin.
He won't have sex with me. You can laugh. Go ahead. I'm sure a part of you delights that "Vampire-boy" as you call him won't touch me but it really hurts my feelings. I try not to push him because I know it's because of the miscarriage and how my heart stopped. I also know that he's mad that even after they turned me, the baby didn't survive. It was a baby girl.
He won't touch me because again, believe or not Jake, the first time we did do it, was on our wedding night and we used protection. I was on birth control and condoms until I realized I was pregnant. Despite the birth control, they thought the fetus was fine until it started growing so fast it was breaking my ribs.
Edward barely speaks to me and won't touch me and I just wish that the baby was alive and I could stuff all the selfish complaining back down my throat and make it disappear.
I hope that you call me when you get this letter because I don't just miss you right now I need you. I just really need a friend because somehow, losing this baby, hurts more than almost losing Edward because when that happened you were there.
Always thinking of you,
Bella
P.S. Her name was Renessee
