Disclaimer: Evangelion is the intellectual property of its owners, none of whom is me. I'm just playing with their toys.
A/N: A hearty thanks to BrokenChosenofEva for all the feedback, it means a lot! We're going to take a (hopefully) brief break from the pilots this time, for a look at Misato.
Loss
The worst thing about losing something important - really important - is that it never really stops hurting. Oh, it might become easier to compartmentalize the experience; easier to file it away where that cold emptiness doesn't eat at everything you do every hour of the day. But in the end, it's still there.
We find ways to cope. For me, at first it was closing myself off from the world. I didn't know what I could do to deal with what had happened... with losing my father like that. I hated him, but at the same time I couldn't help loving him... and I would never have the chance to reconcile those feelings. To confront him with what they meant.
When I couldn't stand that anymore, when just sitting there silent and gone would no longer protect me, I stopped. I had distance now, the loss seemed further away, and so I could go back to doing things. Living. And for a while, that was what protected me.
I went to school. I met Ritsuko. I met Kaji. I learned about the beautiful elixir of forgetfulness and freedom that others so simply call "beer." Between all of those things, I covered over that loss with a scab of friendship, pleasure, and new experience.
And then I lost Kaji.
It was my fault as much as his... maybe even more. I got scared when I realized just how much he resembled my father. It opened up that old wound, and I resented that where before Kaji had been a balm, suddenly he was a reminder of all the bad things about my father. That confusing combination of hatred and love, and the pain of that decade-old loss, came to the surface every time I looked at him. So I ran.
I joined Nerv. I traveled all over, fighting, training, babysitting (for a little while, anyway), whatever was required of me. I lost myself in my work when I could, and when there was no work to do I drank. Partied. Did what it took to distract myself.
Eventually I found myself here. Fighting the good fight, for all of mankind. Watching over these strong, fragile kids who know too much about loss already. Sending them into battle because I can't go myself.
I'll do what it takes to defeat the angels; not just for this world, for the future of humanity, but for me. To take revenge for giving me this wound that never quite heals over. And if I'm lucky...
If I'm really lucky, I won't have to lose them to do it.
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