CHAP 12:
Awkwardly I detached myself from Elijah and stood without looking at him. Not trusting myself to keep anything readable from my eyes. Elijah had this way of knowing exactly what was going on inside my head. If he thought he'd scared me, then I needed to act like that was the case. He was extremely receptive to my behaviours and facial expressions and had drawn on the littlest things in the past few weeks. Each time catching me of guard and when he felt inclined to, pointing it out. Despite the desire to run from him into the house I forced myself to walk casually back inside to organise myself some breakfast. Elijah stayed where he was and I had to make sure my curiosity didn't sway me to look back. Just walk. I guessed his mortification at my reaction to the stakes,as he saw them; had knocked him a little.
With my plate of toast with jam in one hand and a glass of juice in my other I walked back outside. Not intending to waste my bit of freedom though Elijah had remained outside. He was still sitting where I'd left him looking to be deep in thought. I dropped down onto the grass to sit cross-legged about ten metres away from him and started on my toast. Chewing over everything in my mind as I did my breakfast. This whole situation was a mess. Even more so than I'd already thought. It wasn't just about the affect being a doppleganger on my life. While I could respect Elijah's motivations, I found it difficult to just allow him to continue as he was. I felt like I should be doing something. Even if it was worthless. On the other hand at least I now knew the time frame I should expect to be with Elijah for. My whole life. If Klaus never found me as Elijah and I kept moving around, at least the change in scenery would always be very refreshing. But I didn't want to spend my life with Elijah. He was toxic. I'd been here for a few weeks and had inadvertently developed some sort of attachment to the man. Vampire. The thought of spending years with him was incredibly daunting. I didn't want to feel what I was. Who knows what might happen over months and years? I wondered about aging if I spent my life with him. At some point I would become an old woman, while he kept his good looks. Not that it mattered how a couple looked. Reminded of how Elijah gazed at me lovingly, the thought of him giving that sort of doting attention to an elderly woman was extremely odd. Hang on. A couple? Not happening! Stealing a glance behind me to Elijah, where he sat further along the side of the house I caught him looking at me and jerked my head away.
"How do you live with the decisions you make Elijah? It's not like you have to carry the guilt for a hundred years at best, then you die and the memory is no more. You have to live with your choices for eternity." I wondered aloud without looking at him. I wasn't being judgemental. I was genuinely interested as I took another bite from my toast.
"I don't. There's always reminders of what I've done or seen. Much like the suggestiveness that every time I drink blood I'm killing another in order to live. While technically I feed on blood. The reality is that I digest life. And the amount of life I take grows with every person's life I end."
"Is that why you drink from blood doner bags?"
"Yes. It's also convenient and far more peaceful than the screams." I knew he wasn't just referring to the discomfort to his ears.
"Is fresh blood better?" I offered.
"It tastes better, certainly. Bagged blood is often stagnate. Which is probably another reason I enjoy eating human food. To give me something pleasing to savour." I hesitated before my next aloud wondering at the state of his conscious.
"So do you just forget the things that guilt you?" I said almost inaudibly.
"No." I could hear the grimace in his voice before I turned and saw it on his face. He looked off into the distance instead of looking at me. It seemed so unlike him and I knew he had a hard time dealing with everything about his life. "I accept everything about my existence. From my eating habits to the decisions regarding you. I'm not ashamed of any of it." Honestly saturated his statement. "While I can't allow myself to dwell on the things I've done or am doing. I can't forget anything, nor escape it. But I wouldn't want to. If I did I would be a vampire with a similar personal character to Klaus'. The best way to deal with the things I'm not proud of is to ignore the details. Like not reviewing each incident in first person. Or perhaps not recognising the names of my victims." He said flatly. "I don't mean for that to come out insensitive and unfeeling. As if everyone is an object, with no identity. The human brain has interesting ways in which it deals with traumas. Dismissing the details works for me." We fell silent and I eventually looked away.
"Is there nothing that can be done for Jonas and Greta?" He didn't answer straight away.
"Like I said Elena. There's nothing I'm willing to do. I have gone over Jonas' situation many times, revisited possibilities that may have seemed more plausible as time went on and elements in this mess changed. It wasn't an easy decision to deceive him." Elijah's tone was so soft I was surprised I heard it with how far apart we sat.
"I know." I said immediately. I did know. Elijah wasn't the impulsive type. Not that he wasn't unpredictable. But he was sensible and thought things through. Having spent some time with him, I believed that he wasn't one to slip up.
I continued to eat in silence. The mood didn't exactly propel a flowing conversation.
"What did your text back to Jonas mean? Black Victoria."
"I let him know that we'll be moving onto another residence soon. As a precaution in case Klaus has Jonas under surveillance. The timing of some of his texts messages from Klaus have gradually become more than coincidental. The last one Jonas received while in transit to a meeting with me a few weeks ago. Today's being extremely close to our most recent meeting, I find it more than suspicious. So on the side of caution we'll be leaving soon. It could be two days from now or two weeks. By sending it now, should anyone else read the text there's less chance of them timing their surveillance of the residence correctly with when we will be there. That is if they understand it's meaning in the first instance."
"It's not a ship is it?" I asked grimly. Dry land was where I was most comfortable. But I'd heard of many ships with Victoria in their names.
"No." He chuckled.
"Your text was in code also." I concurred.
"Yes."
"Meaning?" I turned to look at him.
"It's a surprise." I looked away again and rolled my eyes.
"Surprises are overrated." I got up and headed back inside to organise myself some more toast.
When I returned to my previous spot on the grass with more food Elijah came and sat next to me. I stiffened instinctively and saw his momentary hesitance when I did so. But he followed through to mimic how I was sitting, leaving a metre between us. I was more uncomfortable near him than usual. The awkwardness seemed to settle thickly over me and I became increasingly self conscious about the noise of chewing my toast. Get a grip on yourself! I had to behave normally or he would pick up on something. He could read me incredibly well. Sometimes voicing exactly what I was feeling and in most cases, things I didn't want himto know. I hadn't yet decided wether it was worse or better when he kept his observations to himself. If I could keep it together and act as if all was well, perhaps I'd be able to ignore what I'd been confronted with earlier. It would be a start to getting this bizarreness to go away. Maybe it was slight Stockholm Syndrome. I'd been stuck with only Elijah for nearly a month. Maybe that's all it was. Not all it was of course. Stockholm Syndrome isn't something to take lightly. Ultimately I didn't care what it was. I didn't want it at all. Deep down I knew it wasn't Stockholm though. I'd been drawn to Elijah the night I met him. I just didn't expect to have any real emotional connection. Regardless of the bond between Elijah and myself, I was stubborn and nothing should be developing at all. I'd been so sure that nothing would come of this situation. Despite constantly remembering our intimacy in my room that night.
"Can I do anything to put you at ease around me?"
"Pardon?" I asked as he disturbed me from my thoughts.
"I don't want you to fear me. Your avoidance, nor your lack of eye contact with me has gone unnoticed and you're incredibly tense. Please know that I would never hurt you. My behaviour was particularly cold, but that was coming through from my own inner turmoil. My frustration was bent inwards at myself, not you. It's all relative to the position I'm in. I wouldn't never become physical towards you." I swallowed hard not looking at him. Instead looking out at the thick vegetation where some birds were alternating among the branches of a tree. "Is there anything I can do, to prove this?" He wanted to make it up to me. To get us back on par. More impertinent, he'd noticed my change in behaviour. His damn concerned tone didn't help me at all. While he wanted to absolve himself, he was more worried about me than what I thought of him. It was touching. It was unwelcome. It was infuriating. I shouldn't think it sweet at all.
"Uh. No, I don't think so." I started hesitantly.
"Do you think I would cause you harm?"
"I don't know." Making sure to add some wariness to my voice.
"Okay. Do you trust that I will not force myself onto you sexually?" The awkwardness as he said sexually crawled all over my skin. But I had come to trust his word.
"Yes." Came my blunt reply.
"Do you think that you could extend that trust-." This conversation was starting to really agitate me.
"Look. Do we have to talk about this?"
"Is it making you uncomfortable?" He asked almost surprised.
"Perhaps."
"Why?" What does he mean why. Does it matter why?
"Because it is?" My tone impatient.
"Will you please look at me? I can't tell what you're thinking when you keep ignoring me like you are."
"Good. Because what I'm thinking happens to be private." I said hotly still looking away. Elijah's hand came up under my chin and he tried to direct my head to turn towards him. "Don't. Touch me." I nearly growled inflecting how serious my request was and grasped his wrist as I pulled my head away from him. Falling back onto the grass as I over balanced gracefully. He moved with me obviously not wanting to be too forceful with my head and neck, but then swiftly manoeuvred himself to straddle my hips. Yet again I was lying stiffly on my back beneath him. Perhaps he wants to remove the robe this time? Why did he have to get so close! Knowing he'd pin me down if I struggled I gave Elijah a dark glare and turned my head to the right so I didn't have to look at him.
In my peripheral vision I could see the muddled expression on his face. Concern, interest and loss combined as he looked down at me.
"Look at me." I ignored him. "Please?" His sounded hurt at my resistance to him. The tone in his voice persuading me to look back to see that he was okay. Thankfully I rejected the notion.
"Get. Off." I said through gritted teeth. Even more angry at myself for worrying that I'd hurt his feelings.
"Once you look at me." He waited patiently. I imagined he wasn't there at all and relaxed for the long haul. I could see myself lying here for hours. I don't know how long I lay beneath him, but he obviously decided he was waiting for nothing. "Very well." His left hand slid up beneath my right cheek and I craned my neck to the left away from it. Only his right hand caught my left cheek and he stilled my head so my face was directed at his. Now I'll fight. I lashed out slapping him across his left cheek with my right palm. When I directed another toward him Elijah caught my wrist, a shocked expression on his face.
"Get off, get off, get off!" I pushed at his chest with my remaining free arm, pulled at his wrists to free myself, and tried to kick my legs about. While keeping my gaze away from Elijah's eyes, I still noticed his confusion. I took stock in the bit of freedom my head had despite not getting loose from him. "This is hardly going to entice me to trust your word!" I spat with my head turned to my right. "If anything this will make me more afraid of you!" Elijah's other hand closed around my left wrist then and both my hands were placed above my head on the grass. The position forcing Elijah to lean down on me. As his face came closer I turned my head back and forth but he angled his forearms against my collar bone so they became set each side of my head keeping it still. His breath was ghosting my neck and our chests made contact with each heavy intake of breath I took. Great. I thought resentfully. Despite the terror building within me again I glared at him furiously and clenched my jaw.
"I don't think-." He bit back at me before stopping himself and continuing with his voice lower and his tone softer. "I don't think it's me you're afraid of Elena."
"Shows what you think."
"You're not acting fearful of me. You're acting troubled and distressed. And yet, terrified as well. Why it that?"
"Stress?" I answered impatiently. "All three could stem from the stresses of fearing for your life you know!"
"No." He chuckled. "That's not what your heartbeat is telling me."
"How about you listen to what I'm saying instead? Better yet, why not listen and take my word for what it is?" I said angrily. My damn body. That damn over-observant vampire.
"I'm listening to everything my love-."
"I am not your love!"I yelled. It really wasn't true. Who was I to tell someone who they could and could not love? As soon as the words left my mouth I groaned in frustration. "Just leave me alone." I said softly.
"I'm worried about you. So until I know why you're so wound up and aggressive, I won't leave you alone." I rolled my eyes. "That kind of behaviour just proves why I should be concerned. You're not disrespectful like that. Even slapping me is out of character for you. It was like you were saying 'how dare you' when you struck me. But I didn't do anything. Apart from restrain you, which I've done before without you acting this way. You were hardly taking offence. So what did I do?" There was only silence as he expected me to answer. "There must be something. Did Jonas say something to distress you?"
"No. Jesus Elijah, just leave it! So I'm out of character. Whoopdidoo! Perhaps it's the new me?" My nose tingled and face reddened with the threat of tears at the double meaning. The new me? Someone who lets a vampire into her heart? The ache in my chest returned. Drawing my lips slightly into my mouth to bite down on them I repeated a kind of chant in my mind. Don't you dare care about him. Don't you dare acknowledge anything. He studied my eyes, my face and even my jaw for a few excruciating minutes. I saw his eyes widen in awe and I thought the game was up. He'd figured it out. He would say it out loud and it would all seem painfully real. No longer locked away in my mind. In my heart. I lost my grip on everything and Elijah broke through my eyes again. My stomach lurched as I realised he would see everything. Soul mates? More like soulreader. The slightest smile found it's way across his mouth but it didn't last as it morphed into a troubled expression.
"Elena." His voice was soft and raw as he looked down at me sympathetically. "You feel something for me. Don't you?" I remained silent and cast my eyes down to look at his jacket hanging down onto my body. "Elena?"
"Yes. I feel something. I feel betrayed. I don't feel myself. I feel pain. Because it hurts. You hurt me Elijah. Is that what you want to hear? So you can be smug and gloat about it?" I answered bluntly.
"No. Not at all. I know it hurts. That's the last thing I want to do to you Elena. But it seems this is the path our bond is taking. This is how you're going to adjust to feeling again."
"I don't want to feel! Our bond has certain aspects that seem very similar to fate. Like it can't be defied. I make my own choices in life. I don't want this one taken from me!"
"I know." Elijah said sadly. "I know. It can't be defied. But I for one am no longer resentful of that fact. I struggled as you are now. I moved through it. You will too." He released my wrists and stroked his fingers down the side of my face to my hairline. "It will get better."
"How can it possibly get better. I don't know how this came about in the first place. Sure, you're respectful, kind and considerate. Dignified, caring and handsome as well." A slight smirk played across his face as I voiced some of his qualities. "Don't smirk. It's true. I have noticed. But I've called myself off before, whenever I've found anything attractive about other males. But I didn't even get a chance to do that with you. You snuck up on me and I don't appreciate that at all." I was proud of the fact that I'd still kept my tears reined back. But it was getting increasingly hard to keep them in check.
"I know. I'm sorry. Obviously I hurt your feelings before." He leaned down and kissed my forehead before getting up off me. When I was released enough I scooted backwards on my hands and feet not caring if I flashed him and got up and ran away from him. Around the farther side of the house and didn't stop until I reached the thickly growing trees. Sitting down and facing the trees I knew he'd hear me, but I cried anyway. Simply breaking down. I felt so embarrassed and flustered. Humiliated and violated by my own emotions. As I cried distraughtly my sobbing died off as short harsh breaths that scarcely filled my lungs took over. I wasn't much of a crier anyway. My crying usually consisted of chronically leaking eyes. No wailing or body trembling. This felt so foreign. I began to hyperventilate and lay down on my side, curling up into the foetal position to try and find some form of comfort as my breathe escaped me. I'd never really panicked before. But here I was, on the verge of breaking as my warring emotions continued to leave me so unguarded and raw. I hated it. Wether I passed out from a lack of oxygen, or simply cried myself into exhaustion I eventually dosed off. Waking now and then only to take refuge in sleep again.
The sun had moved quite a way across the sky when I next woke. I was being shaken gently from a strong hand on my shoulder. Elijah. Opening my eyes I looked up over my shoulder to see Elijah kneeled behind my back. He curved his arm over my side and placed a plate of pasta with sauce on the grass in front of my body. He then retracted his arm before repeating the movement and putting a glass of water down next to the plate. Silently he repeated the last two movements to place the book I'd been reading, on the other side of the plate. Finally he reached over my side again with a fork in his hands gesturing for me to take it from him. I looked at him miserably and bit my bottom lip before taking the fork from him. Our fingers brushing at the exchange. Elijah then stood and without a word walked back toward the house and around the corner. He was well out of sight when a softly spoken thank you left my lips. I knew the fact that he didn't just leave the fork on the plate was deliberate. While he didn't push any conversation, physical contact or analysis, he did instigate interaction between us, no matter how minimal.
I spent the rest of the day outside reading the book. Only going inside to use the toilet or get myself something to eat or drink. I would pass Elijah when inside, but he didn't accost me in any way. I knew he was watching me though. That night instead of watching tv then being wrestled into the bedroom I went to my floor shortly after eating dinner and read for a while before settling down to sleep. I don't know when Elijah came to bed but my slumber was disturbed when I felt movement. Opening my eyes I found myself held against Elijah's hard chest with his strong arms across my back and beneath my knees.
"Do you have to keep doing this?" I enquired sleepily looking up at him.
"Always." He whispered and placed me in the bed before sliding in beside me. Sighing I turned into him and placed my head on his chest before drifting off.
The next three days turned out much the same. I spent my time outside as far away from Elijah as I thought he'd allow and read my book. When I finished it he helped me rummage through one of the spare rooms of storage for another, but that was the extent of our interactions. I watched tv with him on the third night and when nine thirty came I walked in and settled myself on the floor. It hadn't escaped my attention that Elijah hadn't locked the bedroom door since the day Jonas had visited. I vaguely wondered one night if this was some sort of reward. Like I was some pet receiving positive reinforcement for good behaviour.
Four days after Elijah had told Jonas where we'd be relocating to, he was to be out all day conducting business. We'd gradually got back to speaking and co-existing like we had been before my emotional let-down as I liked to refer to it. I thought it had everything to do with sleeping in the same bed as him. The physical just kept drawing on the emotional. It was frustrating, but I did prefer the lack of tension now.
"Is there anything you'd like me to pick up while I'm out?" Elijah enquired.
"Chocolate?" I volunteered. Elijah smiled.
"You're very low maintenance for a female. Some of your gender can be rather demanding. It's endearing to see your lack of interest for carnal things. It is becoming of you." He was complimenting me. But compliments have never really had much affect on me. Something he'd probably noticed in the time we'd been together. I'd always brush them off.
"Yeah. That's me. Low maintenance. I know what's really important in this world. So I don't pretend anything otherwise."
"That's a wise outlook"
"Probably similar to yours. We have certain similarities which have shaped our thinking after all." I implied our loss of family.
"Mmm." He agreed, considering me carefully because I'd just acknowledged something personal between us. I rolled my eyes and he smirked.
"Weren't you leaving?" I reminded.
"Yes, yes. Now. I need you to stay inside the house. Please do not pass over any threshold to go outside."
"Why not?"
"Because if any vampires come to collect you they cannot get inside to do so. You are safest inside the house.
"So movies and books are correct in that vampires have to be invited inside?"
"Yes. So you'll stay inside?" He was worried about leaving me home alone. I felt inclined to put him at ease so answered honestly.
"Yes Elijah. I'll stay inside. Should I, uh, do anything if anyone does turn up?"
"Stay inside."
"Yes I know that. But-."
"Stay inside." His tone more serious.
"Alright. I hear you." I raised my hands in surrender of doing anything other than staying inside.
"Good." He moved closer and thread his fingers in amongst my hair as his hand moulded against the back of my head while he kissed my forehead. I didn't tense. I'd grown more and more used to it. "See you tonight sweetheart."
"Bye." Again he walked in towards our bedroom and disappeared. I didn't bother snooping around to see how he'd left. But I did find it even more odd now that he could use the doors.
