VIII.

I wish I could forget the moment I lost you.

I truly lost myself, my light, when you left me. I still feel the pain tearing my soul apart when I think about that fatal day. Like when we lost our first child, the one before Kylo and Kira, I cursed the universe for taking another light from this world. Why were you the one who had to die? Why couldn't it have been me? I'm such a fucking mess, I can't even function. Most days, I just want to die just to be with you, so I can see your comforting smile, your expressive eyes, taste your soft skin, hear your angelic laugh, just be with you.

Fuck, life without is so gray; it's a dull vision. I miss walking in a room and it being illuminated by you. I miss you laughing with your two best friends, I miss you angry when the kids are pissing you off, I miss your warmth next to me as I'm sleeping, I just fucking miss you being here with me. I want to fucking murder the person who crashed in your car, because they were fucking texting, the person who stole you away from me forever.

Perhaps I'm being selfish, wishing I were the one who died instead of you. You'd be the one living with the pain I'm living with, and the last thing I want for you is to feel pain. But fuck it's hard. You left way too soon. Our children miss you probably as much as I do, losing their mum way too early, before they could even comprehend what death is. I'm thankful to you that you reconnected me to my parents when they were born, as Leia's been helping tremendously. If it weren't for her, I don't know what would have happened. I was in no state to be a mourning widow while raising two five year old kids who asked me when you'd be back.

I miss you. Fuck I miss you. You left me five years ago already, I still wear my ring. Your side of the bed and side of the closet remains untouched. Your perfume still lingers around, just to make it feel like you're still there. I don't think I could ever move on from you, sweetheart. You were the one, the only one I could ever think about loving. I remember us every day, I don't want to forget.

Forever and always, we said. Right?

I can't wait to see you again.

Please wait for me.

Please.

It's all that keeps me going.