WARNING: CHAPTER CONTAINS SELF HARM AND SUICIDAL THOUGHTS!
Phil's POV (The next day)
"Daaannn," I whined.
"What Phil?" he called from his bedroom.
"Come here! I wanna talk to you about something!"
"Phil I'm editing I can't!"
"You can do it later just come here!" A couple moments later, I heard his door open. He came into the living room with a small smirk on his face. I reached out my arms and he rolled his eyes. Either way, he came over to the couch and sat down next to me. I put my arms around his waist and snuggled into his chest.
"Is this all you wanted?" he sighed.
"No... I need to talk to you," I said quietly.
"Okay. I'm listening," he said. I could hear the worry in his voice.
"So I've been thinking..."
"About?"
"College," I said. I felt him tense up next to me, but he stayed silent.
"Well for now, I think I'd like to take online school with the university in California. That will be for at least a month or two, until my leg heals. I don't really know what I'm gonna do after that though." Dan pulled me into a tight hug. I was shocked at first, but I soon relaxed into his arms.
"Is-is that okay?" I said quietly. Dan nodded and continued to hold me.
After a few moments, Dan said,"How about we go on a date today?"
I pulled back. "Yeah!"
"Alright," he smiled. "Go get ready then."
"Where are we going?" I questioned.
"Movie?" he offered. I nodded my head eagerly and headed to my room to get ready. I threw on a pair of black jeans and one of Dan's red sweatshirts. I fixed my quiff as best I could, and made my way back to the living room. Dan got up off the couch and led me out the door.
Once we were downstairs, we stepped out into the cool air. We walked in a comfortable silence to the theater, just enjoying each other's company. As we were walking though, my mind wandered to dark places. I tried my very hardest to think about something else, but I couldn't seem to rip my mind from the terrifying thoughts. Even though I had everything I could ever ask for, I was just sad. Nothing felt right, and for whatever reason I just didn't want to live my life anymore. I was tired of everything and nothing at the same time. What if I did end it all? Would anyone really care? Dan snapped his fingers in front of my face.
"Hello? Anyone in there?" he said with an amused expression.
"Oh u-umm yeah. Sorry," I said blushing.
"What I said was... what movie do you wanna see?"
"Whatever you want," I said.
"Alright... but Phil? Are you okay today? You seem a bit off," he said glancing at me nervously.
No. I'm so done with everything. All I wanna do is be done with it all. Just leave everything behind. Leave this pathetic person behind, forget my pathetic excuse for a person, just forget. Forget.
"I'm fine... just tired." If only he knew. You wimp. You can't even talk to your boyfriend. My thoughts were interrupted when we reached the theater. Dan held the door open for me and I stepped inside, thankful for the blast of warm air that hit me. We made our way up to the counter, where Dan bought our tickets.
"No Dan let me pay!"
"Yeah I don't think so."
"No come on let me."
"It's not worth fighting Phil, cause you're not gonna win this one." With a sigh, I put my wallet back into my pocket. After thanking the cashier, we found our way to the correct theater and sat down in the back left corner.
"Why are we sitting back here?" I questioned Dan.
"So I can do this." He leaned in and gave me a long kiss. I grinned and rolled my eyes. He winked and slipped his arm over my shoulders. I leaned into his chest. I buried my face into him, engulfed with his warmth. Everything smelled like him... I couldn't explain it, but everything was just... Dan.
"Phil? Are you alright?" Dan said, a hint of nervousness in his voice. I didn't answer. Dan pulled back and put his hand under my chin, forcing me to look at him. I felt the tears welling up in my eyes, but I really didn't want Dan to worry about me. He had much more important things to think about than me.
"Come on Phil. You can always tell me what's going on," he said softly.
I shook my head. "I'm fine... really."
"No your not Phil! Stop saying-" he stopped himself. He sighed and looked down.
"Sorry," he said quietly. I pressed a small kiss to his temple. I could tell he knew something was up, but he didn't push it. I leaned into his side, just as the movie started.
About ten minutes into the movie, I looked up at Dan. He held my gaze for a few moments before slowly leaning in and pressing our lips together. I grinned as he shoved his tongue into my mouth. Our tongues danced together, until Dan pulled away from my mouth and started kissing my neck.
"Dan! We're in public!" I whispered.
He pulled back. "Does it look like I care?" He crashed his lips back into mine. We made out for a couple minuted before finally turning back to the movie. About every 15 minutes this happened, so by the time the lights came back on, our lips were bright pink and swollen and our hair was messy. He let out a soft giggle and tried to fix my hair. I tried to fix his too, but it was no use. We gave up and walked as quickly as possible out of the theater. We made our way home and chatted along the way, The conversation flowed, even though my mind was other places.
Once we got back home, it was only about 8, but I was exhausted. Dan could tell because he said,"How about we sleep in your room tonight? We can watch TV or something until we fall asleep."
I nodded and we headed down the hall. We quickly got into comfier clothes and plopped onto the bed. Dan turned on the TV as we layed down. Dan cuddled into me, facing away. I wrapped my arms around him and buried my face into the back of his neck. We layed together, the TV softly playing in the background until we fell into a peaceful sleep.
...
Dan's POV (The next morning)
I woke up in Phil's warm arms. He was softly breathing into the back of my neck, which sent a shiver down my spine. I had no intentions of moving. I just wanted to stay in Phil's arms all day. I little while later, I felt Phil start to stir behind me. I gently turned over, so our faces were inches apart. I could tell he was awake, but his eyes still weren't open. I pressed a soft kiss to his lips. He gave me a soft smile as I started stroking the hair out of his face.
"Good morning," I said groggily. My voice was rough and scratchy from sleeping. Phil leaned in closer to me.
"How are you feeling today?" I whispered. Phil didn't answer, which worried me, but I let it go.
Phil's POV
I pretended not to hear Dan, but trust me, I heard him loud and clear. I just hated lying to him. I wanted to tell him, but I just couldn't. Maybe I was being selfish or maybe I was helping him. I was just so confused and I didn't have the power to answer him. Today is the worst day I've had in a long time. All of the usual horrible things I've felt were there today. But instead of quietly talking to me, they were screaming. Screaming at the top of their lungs, clouding my thoughts immediately over whelming me. I would've done anything to get rid of them. They were screaming my deepest darkest thoughts. It felt as if the voices were at the top of a building, screaming my thoughts through a megaphone for everyone to hear. I buried my face in Dan's shoulder, hoping to quiet the voices, but it just made them louder.
I stood up and shakily grabbed my crutches. "Where are you going Phil?" Dan whimpered. Guilt washed over me, but I gently pressed a kiss to his temple.
"I'm just going to the bathroom," I said quietly. He frowned, but he nodded his head anyway. I quietly left the room. Once I got to the bathroom, I let the tears leak over. I grabbed a razor from the cabinet and cut deep into my wrists. The voices were too much. I was weak. I couldn't handle them. I bit my lip to hold back a sob. I couldn't let Dan hear me. After a couple more cuts, I put the razor away and made my way back to the bedroom. I layed down next to Dan and he immediately cuddled into my chest. After a couple minutes he started snoring softly. I tried to sleep, but the voices drowned everything out. I was drowning.
