A/N - I'm baaaccckkk! :-) Regular posts will come from here on out, my usual 2 or more a week. There are two flashbacks in this in italics. Enjoy!
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An hour later, Emma stalled outside of the loft front door shifting anxiously from foot to foot, a fist resting just above the aged wood. Sweat began to break out on her upper lip as she thought about what she was about to do. The door opened before she could touch it and boots stepped back startled.
"Hey Emma, come in." David greeted and pulled his daughter in for a hug.
The blonde grinned tightly returning the embrace and crossed the threshold of the apartment she used to call home. That word had a whole new meaning now. The specialness of that, she felt, by sharing such a personal journey she was still processing was about to be ruined.
They sat together at the dining room table. A warm mug of hot coco she couldn't help but compare to Regina's gave Emma's nervous hands something to do as Snow caught her up on the town gossip. Talking about nonsense made the time pass by slowly and Emma wanted nothing more than to blurt out what she had to say and bolt. When Snow paused long enough to take a breath Emma tried to turn the conversation to something deeper.
"So I need to tell you guys something kinda big and I need you to let me finish my thoughts without interrupting." She opened with the line she's practiced with the Queen, advocating for her need to be allowed to speak. "Can you let me do that before you ask questions?"
"Of course, Emma, you can tell us anything." The princess reached out a hand to take her daughter's, eager to share what she hoped was a bonding moment.
"Shoot Emma. We are all ears."
David's easy grin helped Emma relax enough to begin. "So, you know I moved in with Regina last year… There was a reason for that, well more than one. We've been working on a project that has really helped me realize some important things about myself and well, us." She made a circular gesture. "And I have done a lot of thinking about the past, our past and it was because I got a ch—"
"Is this about the tree again Emma?" Snow squeezed a pale hand. "We've been over this. We didn't have a choice."
Emma bit her cheek, slowly counting to five before responding. "No, this isn't about the tree… Well It is, but it isn't how you are thinking about it and before you say anything else you agreed to let me finish before asking questions." She fought to keep her tone civil, frustrated at being interrupted.
"She's right, Snow. Let her finish."
"Thanks, David. Like I said, we've been working on a project, a spell actually, that let me—"
"A spell? What kind of spell?"
"I'm trying to tell you." Clenched teeth ground against each other. She took a breath and forced her mouth to relax and tried a different approach. "I have always wondered what it would be like to have a do over, a second chance to have a childhood unlike the one I actually had. I became obsessed with the idea for years and finally had a chance to—"
"We told you we were sorry Emma."
A pale fist pounded a thigh under the table and Emma turned pink trying to control her temper as she had been taught. "I'm not trying to make you feel bad or trying to blame you for anything. I'm trying to tell you what I have spent the last three years of my life—"
David cut in. "Emma, your mother is just—"
"Stop interrupting me, please, both of you. I need to be able to talk to you about this and I'm trying really hard to explain." Emma dropped her head in hand and whipped it back up at Snow's next words.
"It was 38 years ago Emma and I'm so sorry you were hurt by that, I am because I love you..." The woman hesitated for a moment. "I know you don't want to hear this, but I would do it all over again if it meant saving everyone. That's what heroes do. That's what this family does and a responsibility you inherited at birth, as a Princess, for your people."
"I never asked to be a Princess or the Savior. You made that choice for me." Her eyes burned and she regretted not being able to reach for the Queen's hand, or having that quiet strength at her side.
Snow's eyes were sympathetic, but her lips were firm. "It's time you grew up Emma, and put the past behind you."
The blonde stood, nearly causing the chair she was in to fall to the floor. After a deep breath. "I'm trying to do just that and you won't let me talk. I'm done here." Old habits of running hard to break.
Snow stood up with David and rounded the table. "Emma we should talk about this. You're running again."
"So what if I am? You are not ready to listen yet, so I'm going. We can try again another time."
"No." Snow reached to grab Emma's arm. "You need to sit and have this out with us."
Jerking her arm away, but keeping tone level. "You don't get to tell me what to do." There was only one person in the world who she allowed that right and coming from anyone else it infuriated her.
"I am your Mother Emma."
Green eyes flashed. "You gave birth to me, but you did not mother me."
Snow turned red, hurt mixed with insult, and she took a step forward, as David held her back. "You are my daughter Emma Swan White and you need to start acting like it."
Emma flinched, startled at the addition to her name. It was foreign sounding and cold. She finally lost it as her last nerve ripped. "Fuck off."
The door slammed before she realized she'd stepped outside. Fighting for breath she waved her hand and teleported home in a puff of white smoke. She appeared in the study, having been specific in her mind to land near Regina.
The Queen was sitting at her desk and removed glasses as the smoke cleared revealing a clearly angry blonde. Heels moved towards the sofa and sat next to the fuming Savior.
"I wasn't expecting your call for another hour at least. How'd it go?" Regina's hand found a bouncing knee.
"It went." Emma let out a sharp breath.
"And not well I take it?"
"I told Snow to F—off. Well, I used the actual word anyway." The weight of that action felt good coming off, knowing she'd promised to keep her cool during the conversation and failed.
"You must have been very upset by something she said for you to do that." Validating Emma's efforts at keeping a promise to be civil with Snow, she nodded in understanding.
"She told me to grow up and I couldn't get a word in edge wise. I said what we practiced and got close a few times, but she kept interrupting, they both did after agreeing not to." Slouching. "I messed it all up."
"No, you were simply not allowed an opportunity to get your words heard." Redirecting that piece of misplaced ownership. "Though, your temper seemed to have gotten the best of you at one point. We will keep working on that and try again with them tomorrow."
Hopeful green eyes looked over. "You'll go with me, even after my big speech about being able to do it myself?"
"That is what being a team means. I'm sorry to hear that it did not go the way you wanted. Tomorrow will go differently." Then gently. "You also need to consider an apology for saying what you did." She'd make sure Emma would be able to have her say, even if she had to stick a sock in the Princess' mouth to achieve it, though Emma was not without some ownership to the troubled relationship. A hand stroked a braid when the blonde leaned into her shoulder.
"You are upset about the cussing then?" Emma asked, deflating. They'd worked hard on that in their other life and some part of her wanted that accountability to transfer here.
"I'm not thrilled with it, though I understand you were triggered."
"I thought about your question in the diner about..." Nails raked her jeans, leaving white streaks in blue as lips struggled to finish.
"Needing a reminder?"
Green eyes closed briefly at their code word and blushed. "I don't want one, but yes for both cussing and fibbing. And yes, I know you didn't ask if I want one."
The Queen kissed the top of a head. "But you need one."
"Yeah, I think I do." Ducking a pointed chin at how easily they slipped back into their dynamic. She recalled a moment in their other life after being grounded when the Queen had said that required dependency would help reinforce their dynamic and that Emma needed to remember that. The child she was didn't understand that statement, nor did she remember their dynamic because of the spell, but the adult now realized the comforting weight of those words.
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah, I mean yes."
"Find your corner then."
Emma slowly left the couch and faced the wood paneling across the room, turning to look at the Queen over her shoulder. "Fifteen minutes?"
"Fifteen minutes."
At that confirmation, thoughts turned to the first time she had asked that question and of the conversation had before hand.
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-Flashback three years ago… before the spell-
"Sooooo, I've been meaning to tell you something today and I don't want you to freak out on me when I do." Emma chewed the end of her ponytail.
"I will do my best not to 'freak out' on you." Quoting the blonde with a reassuring smile, the Queen finished signing the last paper of the day and closed the file on her desk, watching as Emma began pacing the study.
"I kinda messed up, a little bit, and forgot to do the budget report for the Sheriff's department this month." She closed her eyes, expecting to be told off and deservedly so, but cracked one eye open when she heard nothing.
"I imagine you've been distracted lately with the realization of the possibility of the spell we spoke of. I know I have been. How much more time do you need to complete the report?"
"More time? Like you're not angry at me?" Both green eyes found the Queen's briefly before dropping.
"Annoyed yes, but not angry."
"Oh." Emma sank into the chair opposite the desk.
Regina narrowed her eyes slightly in confusion. "You seem upset by that idea. Why?"
A shrug.
"Emma, you can tell me."
"You'll think I'm weird… well weirder than normal for me." Smiling a bit at the teasing grin coming from across the desk.
"Try me."
A deep breath. "I was kinda hoping I could see what it might be like to have you… take charge of me, like you will in our new life." Blushing furiously and biting her lip. "I guess I'm curious what this thing or relationship we will have will feel like with the role I'm asking you to take on for me." Squirming when brown eyes were full of something unreadable. "I can't stop thinking about how much I need someone to do that for me, especially when I mess up because I've never had to be accountable to anyone who cared about me before. I know it's really strange and weird and dumb."
"It is not any of those things. Your ideas or feelings never are, Emma, and I've been meaning to discuss that with you at some point and we may as will now." Regal fingers dropped the pen. "You refer to yourself as stupid or dumb when you are anything but. Do you remember the promise we made to each other about accountability?"
"Yeah, I was thinking about that when I spilled my guts a minute ago." Sarcasm rolled naturally between them.
"I am calling in that deal now and I think you need me to, am I right?"
Emma squirmed in her seat, eyes not leaving the Queen's. "You're always right. Doesn't that get tiring?" She stifled another cheeky comment.
"Only with you, my dear." A kind jab in return.
"What are you going to do about it?" Emma lifted her chin in mock challenge.
"I am not going to do anything, but you will be."
"Oh?" A blonde brow lifted.
A finger pointed across the room and Emma followed it to a bare corner then back to russet eyes. "You're serious?"
"Quite. You wanted to know what it will feel like, well be my guest. Fifteen minutes should be sufficient."
"But—I—You—Ugh! Fine." Emma threw up her hands and stalked to the corner, resting her forehead against the wall with arms crossed.
"Stand up properly please, head up and arms at your sides. This is not nap time."
A head turned to look back. "That sounds wwaaayyyyy better than this right now."
"I will be sure to remind you of that in our new life when you throw a fit at my suggestion of that very idea." Lips twitched upwards at the pouting Sheriff.
"Fifteen minutes, huh?"
"Fifteen minutes."
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The past faded as Emma's reality charged in when she heard a desk drawer open, close, and the lid of a marker snapping shut after a few minutes. Heels clicking on wood paused at the sofa.
"Come here Emma."
With a heavy sigh feet turned and shuffled over. Nerves wore at the seams of her as Emma stood next to the Queen, eyeing the stack of index cards in the brunette's hand.
"What are those?"
"Something that will help you make the connection between saying a curse word and associating something unpleasant with it. We will get to that in a moment. Tell me why you felt the need to lie to Snow today."
"I didn't want to see her yet, cause seeing her meant telling her about the spell, our spell." She wrung her hands. "That means sharing our other life and I don't want that judged."
"I see. There is something else though." Patient, as always.
"And it was easier to lie than to deal with my feelings."
"I imagine it is and now are you glad of that choice?"
"No because it means I'm in trouble with you."
"By your own choice, I might add."
"I know which sucks by the way. I give the cricket a run for his money on the whole conscience thing."
Regina chuckled softly and sat on the sofa as Emma stood in front of her. "The time out was for your not so white lie and I'm glad you realized the underlying cause of why you made that choice." She held up the cards briefly and set them next to her right hip. "Now for the cussing."
Gulping. "I think I just changed my mind, Gina."
"Unless you choose to safe word, that is not your decision at this point." The Queen called the Savior's bluff, waiting for their agreed upon word of cinnamon. In the echo of nothing that followed she gave direction. "Take down your jeans."
When denim rested at knees Emma found her place over those firm thighs and buried her head in her arms.
"Sit up on your elbows and hold these please."
White cards were placed face down in Emma's hands and she puzzled over them until she was asked to turn over the first card and read it out loud. Her tongue felt fat as she mumbled the word 'damn' and yelped in surprise as a hand snapped across her red boy shorts, with more strength than she was used to feeling in the last ten months as a kid, but right now she wasn't a kid and that thought was sobering.
"Ow! Gina! What happened to a warm up?"
"This is a reminder, not stress relief dear heart. Do you recall that difference?" Even the case, the brunette gently brushed a forearm across the red seat.
"Yeah." Agreeing and wishing she'd just asked for a stress relief session instead of getting her tail roasted to feel better.
"That is not what you need though is it?"
"No…" Emma scrunched her toes when that hand returned to rest on her bottom. Regina read her well, sometimes too well for the blonde's liking.
"You will read each card three times. Understand?
So that was the game and a clever one Emma knew she would lose, but that was the point.
"Yeesss." Stalling with a deep breath then she tried the word again and that hand fell a bit harder than last time. The third caused her to wince and kick up her feet.
"Next card."
And on they went through the slim deck. By the last card Emma's face was wet and as red as her underwear, which was pulled to her knees. Skin on skin; olive to milk came next. No layers to hide behind, no walls. It was something they'd talked about early on in their relationship. And while not all spankings ended that way, Regina seemed to always know when the blonde needed that extra layer peeled away. One Emma discovered she needed sometimes for closure, which was close now as she was asked to read the last card.
"I don't wanna say it. I get it and I won't slip again."
"Read the card Emma." A firm undertone left no room for disobeying.
Lips rolled inward as more tears fell. "Fuck—Ow!"
Her cheeks burned and did again when she repeated the word. The last utterance broke her hold on composure and cards spilled to the floor as she began sobbing in her arms. It wasn't about the pain of the spanking, though there was that. Pain was merely a tool to get her to where she needed to be, to feel, and to own; aching for accountability to someone who loved her. A hand in her hair eased the tension in shoulders and Emma gave into her tears, breathing through them as they washed her of guilt.
"Take as long as you need to baby."
Muffled cries came in answer and after a few minutes Emma moved to push herself up to stand on wobbly legs. She yanked her boy-shorts up and kicked off her jeans before curling up on the sofa to rest again the Queen.
Red lips kissed a falling tear. "Are you glad I pushed?"
"Yeah, I needed you too… The cards were a good idea."
"I thought so. Perhaps next time you feel the need to curse you'll recall the feeling associated with it." Gently tapping the blonde's hip with her hand and eyeing the cards scattered on the floor.
Emma nodded in agreement and thought back to the last time she'd been over the Queen's knee in their other life and how different that experience was, no less or more than the other, just different. The feelings of safety and love after the fact were the same in both worlds and that consistency meant everything to her.
"I missed this." Seeking fingers found the birthstone necklace at a regal throat. "The give and take we have."
"I don't think that went away entirely in our other life, just adjusted for that relationship."
"Yeah, maybe it did. Maybe this, what we are, didn't change as much as we think it did."
Swan and Queen nested comfortably in arms as they shared thoughts of things to come and of things in the past without further words being spoken. Emma combed through her memories before the spell and settled on one where through their give and take they each had discovered a need in the other they could satisfy; her own question about accountability and Regina's answer to it.
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-Flashback – 3 years ago before the spell-
Computer keys clicked slowly as the blonde squinted at the laptop screen, annoyed when the sound of a knife against a cutting board interrupted her thoughts. "Do you have to do that here? I'm trying to think."
"Cooking is what people typically do in the kitchen Miss Swan." A brow rose at the Sheriff. "You can use any room in the house for computer work, but I may only use the kitchen for cooking."
Emma wisely took the hint and saved her work. Shutting the laptop with a sigh, she lingered watching the Queen expertly cube tomatoes for a salad.
"What is on your mind, Emma?"
"Hmmmm? Oh, I was thinking that loud, huh?"
"You were. Something is bothering you, I can always tell."
"I know and that still amazes me." She stole a tomato cube from the board to snack on. "What are we?"
Not missing a beat a quick hand reached for a head of cabbage. "There are a number of ways to define that."
"I know and I'm trying to figure it out. What is this thing we are doing where I actually listen to you and do what you say and I like it and when I don't you hold me accountable and I still like it?"
There she'd finally said it. The 'it' that made her stomach flutter and blood pulse thickly at temples; that left her heart light and mind malleable as clay. This need for 'it' sat on one side of a scale begging for balance, primal even at her core. Like a lost sheep willingly exposing a throat to a known shepherd's crook who promised to only nip with a staff to guide instead of loop to choke.
And she knew Regina understood that delicate difference because the Queen was once on both sides of a crooked staff. At one point in life she knew the pleasure of guiding those lost in a storm and the desolation of being led into the eye of one. It was about the fluidity of power; their give and take, their warm dark dance on the cold white marble of the world.
Regina took her time responding, seeing that Emma was deep in thought as she organized her own over the Savior's words. When she noted green eyes seeking an answer she began.
"There are a number of different terms for what you described, but none I care for. I do not like labels, as you know." Thinking directly about the one Snow had attached to her title. "However, you seem to need one from me right now."
"Yeah, I do." Emma swallowed hard. "I like to have terms for things and I wanna make sure we are on the same page and not expecting something else from each other."
"Specifically?"
Red cheeks. "What we are doing with the accountability thing and me doing what you say. There is nothing sexual about that for me."
"Nor I." The Queen assures, eyes clear and bright. "I am a dominant woman Emma and for me, between us, that has nothing to do with sex, though many people seem to feel differently about that for themselves, or so I've read. I'm also a nurturer by nature and I get great satisfaction at guiding others growth and learning. I can't help what I am, just as you can't help what you are."
"And what am I?"
"That is for you to define."
Emma bit her lip, uncertain about that task, but game. "Will you help me?"
"Of course, though you may not always like my way of helping." Dark hair was tossed over a shoulder as a chin lifted in certainty.
"I know." Bold fingers stole another tomato cube, cheekily dodging the dish towel tossed her way. "But that's what makes this thing we do worth it."
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Please let me know your vibes for this story :-)
Next Time - A group conversation with the Charmings opens more than one set of eyes. Emma misses their spelled life and Regina gives a much needed gift.
